The OHC
by The Obsidian Angel
Summary: A darker more corrupt Ouran High. The same characters. Plus drugs, sex, alcohol, scandal, and pairings galore. Who can stay clean amongst the chaos? NEW CHAPTER: Kirimi flaunts her excellent gaydar!
1. Intro

Author's Note: Ouran always seemed a bit too **clean** to me. When I think of rich schools I think of **corruption**. Think **Gossip Girl**. Or **Cruel Intentions**. Something along those lines. So just for fun, I decided to give Ouran a little bit more of an **edgier** twist. While still attempting to keep everyone in character. We're talking **sex, drugs, alcohol, parties, homosexuality.**.. Means** yaoi**, and possibly **yuri **if anyone requests it... I'm **warning** you. This is not only **offensive** to the **characters** but to any **groups, lifestyles, adminstrations** I might have made pop culture jokes about. So if you are** offended** easily, you should turn around :D Thank you.

PS: Also, I never really watched any of the shows that I'm making fun of (Gossip Girl(I did read a few), The OC). I disliked them too much. So if you review talking about them, I really **won't know what you mean**. Sorry!

* * *

Suspicious noises were coming from the Third Music Room. Of course, that wasn't particularly unusual for this particular music room on any given week day between the hours of three to five in the evening. Even so, today they were certainly more peculiar than usual. But then, what could you expect when dealing with the most dangerously devilish duo in all of Ouran Private Academy?

"Ungh..." A brunette, one Miyaki Kanawa, daughter of an elite computer software businessman lie upon the rosy sofa, her cheeks flushed with fervor, eyes half closed. The reason for the usually primp and proper princess's fallen state was not completely clear. Of course it could have something to do with the pair of identical, auburn haired young men towering over her, one perched upon the sofa arm, nearest to her face. The other had her legs straddled, a forefinger teasingly tracing the length of her body. The girl could hardly tell which was which. Not many could. But it didn't bother the two.

_Really._

They could care_ less_.

"Come on!" she breathed suddenly, her tone agonized with longing. "Just do it already!"

The perching twin's lips curved slightly downward into a frown. "Is she rushing us, Kaoru?"

The other momentarily glanced up, expression mirroring his brother's. "I believe so, Hikaru."

"Perhaps we should have chosen a more patient guest?" they queried in unison. The question did not garner, nor require an answer. Only the expected look of horror that suddenly sprung into their customer's eyes as they turned to smirk down on her.

* * *

_Hitachiin Hikaru & Hitachiin Kaoru._

_First Year, Class A_

_Class Rank: 3__rd__ and 4__th_

_Host Rank: Little Devil Type_

_Sons of Renowned Fashion Designer _

_Famous for capturing the hearts of over 80 percent of the female student body with their symmetrical good looks._

_Notorious for breaking those hearts._

* * *

"Please!" Miyaki was begging now, her fingers hiking her hideously yellow uniform skirts up higher and higher. "I told all of my friends-"

"Is that all we are to you?"

"An edge over your friends?"

The girl's reddened face plainly stated, "Well, _duh_!" But she wasn't going to tell _them_ that. Not if it meant wrecking her chance with the Hitachiins.

* * *

_Caution: Hearts weren't all they broke._

* * *

No. The Hitachiins were quite infamous for breaking contracts, wit, bones, spirit, wind, and in this particular case (and quite a few others), promises of sexual intercourse.

"Mm... I don't know." Hikaru traced invisible circles over the girl's now exposed thigh. "What do you think, Kaoru?"

"Well-"

"Hikaru! Kaoru!" A new, slightly deeper voice entered, stage right, and a hand suddenly snatched away the beige curtain that was shielding this interesting little scenario. Kaoru groaned as he caught a familiar shade of gold. The parade was officially rained out. Scrutinizing violet eyes shot from them and melted from murderously accusing to irresistibly charming in a matter of seconds as they settled upon the disheveled girl upon the sofa.

"Excuse me, mademoiselle, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Psh! Hell _no_!" She shot up from her seated position, nearly crashing into Hikaru's chest. "I'm not leaving until I get what I came here for." With that, she grasped the twin tightly by his tie and pulled him forward, crushing their lips together in a harsh kiss.

Kaoru's left eye twitched slightly and the rain thought it was best to take it upon himself to clear this parade out.

"Club hours are over, princess." His tone more serious then before, their intruder swept closer, hands gracefully motioning toward the curtain. "Please leave."

Breaking apart from her captive, the girl rose in a huff, her dark eyes narrowing in on the intruder. "I'm not your princess" she hissed in his direction before turning on her heel and storming out from behind the curtains. Part of her skirts were tucked into her pantyhose and Hikaru found that particularly amusing. So did Kaoru.

The rainy, intruder however, was not amused.

"What the hell did I tell you about making out with customers?!" He suddenly bellowed, now looming over the chuckling duo. It was his turn to grasp both their ties. "If they expect it from you, they'll expect us all to do it!"

"Eh, stop overreacting, Tono."

"It was nothing serious."

"This time!" The newly assigned "Tono" boomed in their ears, rendering them temporarily deaf. "But last time! Last time... It could have been worse! What if... What if you..." The cat seemed to catch his tongue. After a long silence, Kaoru offered,

"Fucked?"

"Tono" emitted a small, displeased noise. Apparently, he wasn't very fond of _that_ type of language.

"What's wrong, Tono?" Hikaru leaned forward, his amber eyes teasing.

"That's what you were trying to say, right?"

"Ahem." "Tono" cleared his throat, recovering from the usage of that horrible, offending, very bad word! "The point is, if you two don't stop whoring around, every girl that steps through that threshold will be looking for some-"

* * *

_Suou Tamaki._

_Second Year, Class A_

_Class Rank: 2__nd_

_Host Rank: Princely King (Self- Proclaimed)_

_Bastard Son of One of the Seven Elite Families_

_Famous for his ability to stun over 90 percent of the student body period with his unfathomable good looks and natural prince-like charisma and charms_

_Notorious for being a complete and utter idiot. And a goody-two-shoes to boot._

* * *

"You worry too much, Tono." Kaoru fell back against the sofa, arms crossed. His nose crinkled slightly in disgust. It smelled like that girl... of whom's name he had conveniently forgotten. Not that he usually remembered anyway.

"Maybe someone _needs_ to get laid." Hikaru laughed, playfully shoving a simmering Tamaki in the side.

"He could have a point, Tono." The other joined in, jabbing and pointing at the now practically fuming king.

* * *

_Caution: Tamaki had a deep, dark, dreaded secret._

* * *

He was (a)...

Loser

Fag

Prude

Pansy

Girl

Sexually Challenged

Freak of Nature

To put it eloquently (and perhaps more precisely), Tamaki, the self proclaimed Host King, the seductive charmer...

... was a _virgin_.

That's right, kids.

A virgin.

No. Tamaki would not allow just _anyone_ to desecrate_ his_ temple of a body. Not that the world had to know that. He'd told very few, and it was only a mistake that the twins knew about it. God forbid he ever play another drunken game of I Never with them again... (Full Cup)

"Tamaki." A low, yet chiding tone invaded the air around them and the curtain was suddenly flung wide open to reveal a dark haired young man with glasses, only slightly shorter than the host king. "You didn't dismiss the guests properly."

"Kyouya!" Tamaki exclaimed, eyes growing wide before snapping around to point accusingly at the twins in his usual flamboyant fashion. "It was those despicable peons that led me astray with their licentious ways! I had but to-" The twins began to drown out the boy's rant with a taunting sing-song chant and Kyouya gave a small, irritated sigh as he turned his attentions back to the black, notebook resting in his arms.

* * *

_Ootori Kyouya._

_2nd Year, Class A_

_Class Rank: 1__st_

_Host Rank: Cool Type _

_Proper Son of One of the Seven Elite Families_

_Famous for his unbreakable composure, intelligence, and ability to know a little (or a lot) about everything and everyone._

_Notorious for manipulative qualities and being just plain __**evil**__._

* * *

But that wasn't a side that he let out very often.

Or rather, let _on_.

"Hikaru. Kaoru." He addressed the twins and they immediately stopped teasing their "king" to eye him. With this type of power, it was a wonder that he wasn't "king" himself. "Perhaps the two of you wouldn't mind disposing of _that_." He gestured toward a dark, skimpy cloth in the sofa, pen in hand.

"WHAT DEVILTRY-" Tamaki started again as the twins approached the womens' under garment and Kyouya used an index finger to push his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. Even though they were quite snug already. It was a nervous habit of course that he'd developed from one of his many _serious_ problems.

Oh, didn't I tell you?

* * *

_Caution: Kyouya has_ _Serious. Problems._

* * *

Seriously. I mean _**serious problems**_. We're talking substance problems. If you know what I mean. We're talking Character Most Likely to be Admitted to an Insane Asylum in a Trashy Fanfic problems. If you catch my drift. We're talking Kathryn Merteuil problems. If you get my obscure reference.

Without the doing his stepbrother part.

Wait, does Kyouya even _have_ a stepbrother?

Anyway...

Kyouya has serious problems.

And that's not even the half of it.

"Kyo-chaaaan!" A tiny, yet resoundingly loud voice rang through out the room. "Don't forget the strawberry cakes for tommorrow!"

Kyouya muttered something barely audible and turned away from the hobbit to scribble in his notebook.

"YAAAY!" The hobbit let out a joyful little cry and danced about the room with an unending energy, his copper bangs bouncing all the while. Cake was apparently, very important to this particular height-deficient teenager.

* * *

_Haninozuka Mitsukuni._

_AKA Hunny_

_3__rd__ Year, Class A_

_Class Rank: 1__st_

_Host Rank: Pedo Type_

_Son of Reknowned Dojo Master_

_Famous for his cute, adorable appearance and mannerisms_

_Notorious for his cold and calculating dual personality and nuclear fighting skills_

* * *

"I want a chocolate cake! And an oreo cake! And a kiwi cake! And a lemon cake! And a banana cake!"

_Caution: _

Yes. I know what you're thinking. Hunny is strung out on cake. Or perhaps you are thinking Hunny is a weapon of mass destruction? Well, don't run off to the Bush Administration just yet. While these facts _may_ be true, they are not the real problem at hand.

* * *

_Caution: Hunny is addicted to liposuction._

* * *

What?

Don't look at me like that. How do you think he stays so thin? It certainly isn't all of that dojo martial arts. That has been outlawed. It couldn't be his time spent with the host club. All he does is eat cake there too! It can't be those warm nights with Mori. But that's a story for the next paragraph.

The bottom line is Haninozuka Mitsukuni is addicted to liposuction.

And that, my friends, is a serious issue.

"Takashiiii!" Hunny squealed as he raced across the music room toward the tallest member of the host club. With one, last joyful squee, he leapt into his arms, wrapping his own around the boy's neck. The two of them made an interesting pair. So interesting it seemed almost... illegal. The rest of the club thought so. But they never said anything about it, too scared to face the wrath of an angry hobbit. And his wasn't the only wrath they had to worry about...

"Mitsukuni." The tall brunette spoke, a slow smile curving over his lips.

* * *

_Morinozuka Takashi_

_AKA Mori_

_3rd Year, Class A_

_Class Rank: 2nd_

_Host Rank: Wild Type(?)_

_Cousin of Son of Reknowned Dojo Master_

_Famous for sitting around and doing absolutely nothing._

_Notorious for sitting around and doing absolutely nothing._

* * *

Mori leaned down to plant a chaste kiss on his cousin's lips. They were in public after all. No need to get too rowdy (Fortunately for the other club members). Besides, Mori had some business to take care of.

Caution:

Yes, yes. I know what you're thinking. Mori is an incestuous, pedophile.

Well, that _maybe_ could _possibly_ be true...

But that's **not** the matter at hand here.

* * *

_Caution: Mori is a Furry._

* * *

No, no. Not like what _you're_ thinking. After you go retrieve your mind from the gutter, do a proper Wikipedia search.

Mori just loves animals. He's like one of those crazy animal rights activists who trapped a popular American R&B singer at a dinner years ago for wearing a fur coat. Mori is all about peace and love and existentialism. And all of the recreational drugs that come with it.

"Takashi!" Hunny beamed at his stoic lover. "Let's go eat cake!"

Rather than challenging the absurd Deja Vu inducing request, Mori agreed with a simple "Ah."

However, somewhere across the large music room, someone _was_ challenging that request. In fact, they were challenging everything they'd seen and heard that day. And that brings us to the last member of this rich and beautiful set of men:

* * *

_Fujioka Haruhi._

_1st Year, Class A_

_Class Rank: 1st_

_Host Rank: Natural Type_

_Commoner_

_Famous for being the modest, sweet commoner_

_Notorious for being mind numbingly lethargic and boring_

* * *

Haruhi blinked, dumbstruck. Even a week after knocking over and destroying that bong. After a week of endless torture and threats to his financial situation, he was still awed by the enigma that was the Ouran High School Host Club. But then, was he really the one to complain? After all, Fujioka Haruhi was hiding the _biggest secret _of all! Bigger than breaking things, or being a virgin, or having _**serious problems**_, or an addiction to liposuction, or being a hippy furry! Even though, Haruhi is a few of those things as well...

Haruhi's problem was dire and VERY essential to the (plot?) Host Club's future!

* * *

_Caution: Fujioka Haruhi __**IS ACTUALLY A GIRL!**_

* * *

Oh, not surprised are you?

Well, get this...

...

Okay, I got nothin.

Fujioka Haruhi is about as boring as they come. But _somehow_, everyone will come to love her...

... Right?

Will the twins ever stop toying with their customers hearts?

Will Tamaki ever lose his virginity?

Will any of Kyouya's hundred serious problems be revealed in the near future?

Will Hunny cure his addiction?

Will Mori attend the next PETA rally?

Find out the answer to ... at least one of these questions!

In the next chapter of _**The OHC**_!

* * *

Okay. That was so comedic, and I swear I didn't mean for it to be. I just start writing and it comes out as a parody. I mean for this story to be dramatic as well and there will definitely be some dramatic tones in it along with the comedy. It's supposed to be a **dark comedy**.

This was only the introduction. From now on, the chapters should be a lot more personal.

This is meant to be like a typical rich teenager show (The O.C, Gossip Girl) and a little Jerry Springer XD so expect craziness in the future. Feel free to make requests, but I already sort of know where I am going. With **Kyouya** in particular. His character is definitely going to be hit the hardest... Sorry, all you Kyouya fans.

**READ & REVIEW!**

**What did you like? Or dislike? Be honest!**


	2. Of Hookers, Debt, and Commoner's Weed

It was a filthy city, polluted with every type of scum. A peculiar looking man approached the fuming hooker. She screamed something in his face. Bitch. A gun suddenly appeared in his hand, and she immediately sprinted away, running impeccably fast for the hot pink ankle breakers strapped around her ugly feet. But that was no problem for the now armed and dangerous man. He simply darted in front of a nearby taxi. When it stopped, as expected, he walked around to force the driver out of his seat in order to take control of the vehicle himself. Despite the protesting customers in the back of the car, he made a sloppy U-turn, knocking over a blue mailbox in the process. Soon, he was upon the scampering hooker, the headlights flashing upon her cheap, leather mini; the car bumper inches from those six inch spikes before-

Tamaki emitted a low grumble of distaste as the woman went flying ten feet into the air. The twins cheered victoriously, Haruhi stared blankly from her place on the music room floor, and Kyouya went on typing on his laptop as he had all along.

Another evening. Another game of Grand Theft Auto.

"Did you see that, Kaoru?!" Hikaru slapped his knee, his shoulders trembling from laughter. "The way she flew?!"

"I know!" Kaoru was doubled over, his arms clutching his stomach, feet kicking. "It was hilarious! And the way her legs twisted- OW!"

The boy was silenced when something hard hit him in the arm. It rolled down his school uniform and shattered into a hundred pieces upon the marble floor.

Haruhi crawled closer from her place beside the game console to examine the mess. "Eh?" she uttered, retrieving a small, glass handle. "A tea cup?"

"Tamaki." Kyouya spoke from a nearby table, his eyes never leaving the bright, white screen. He'd removed his powder blue blazer and tie, placing them on the back of his chair. "If it isn't too much to ask, could you not destroy club property? That tableware adds up, you know."

Yes, Kyouya took care of all the clubs spending and negotiations. It was enough to drive a man insane. And perhaps, in this case, it had.

"Yeah!" Hikaru massaged at his brother's arm. "What the hell, Tono?"

Tamaki glared back in response. "You two idiots are wasting valuable time! We're - Haruhi, stop picking at those pieces before you hurt yourself! - we're here to plan this weekend's Winter Ball! Not to play vile, disgusting, distasteful games like this!"

"She wouldn't be picking it up if you hadn't thrown it in the first place." Kaoru rolled his eyes.

"And besides, Kyouya is handling everything." Hikaru smirked. "You're just mad because we beat you at racing ten times in a row."

"You were such a noob, you didn't know how to use any of the short cuts. Even when we spelt them out for you-"

"And gave you a special map."

"It was pretty pathetic." They finished in unison.

"No!" Tamaki sprang from his place on a rosy lounge chair. "I just wasn't paying any attention! Unlike you assholes, I have better things to do than perfect my score on some low quality ga-"

"Tono sucked." Hikaru gave a wide, cheesy grin as he stretched an arm around the female on the floor. "Right Haruhi?"

"Hm?" Haruhi glanced up from the glass she'd been sweeping into a trash pan. She figured she would be left to clean up at least one of the elaborate host king's messes before the day was over. "Well, even I beat you guys a few times. So if I had to decide: Yes."

And Tamaki was back on the longe chair, stretched out in such a brooding, dramatic pose, it could rival a model from the pages of a Banana Republic magazine. Or the occupants of hell.

But it was true. Suou Tamaki, The Virgin if you will, was never very good at video games. Partially because he never played them. But mostly because he lacked the proper hand eye coordination. He let out a tortured sigh. It wasn't his fault. Perhaps it was the price he paid for otherwise being so utterly perfect?

... so his logic went.

"Hahahaha!" The twins cackled together, glad to have Haruhi on their side. She wasn't like most girls. They didn't feel a sudden urge to flip off/insult/strangle her. And that made her _somewhat_ cool in their books.

Haruhi, however, didn't feel very cool at the moment. Frigid maybe. She didn't completely understand why, at five o' clock, they had insisted she stay here. She didn't understand why- instead of going over ball plans as they had insisted - they had called for a wide screen High Definition television, complete with four gaming systems and surround sound speakers, and commenced to play. And frankly, she didn't understand why she was still here. The heat was up so high ("It's soooooo cold in here!" Tamaki had whined.) that the other host members had abandoned their blazers. She was on the verge of doing so as well. The sound system was loud. She wasn't exactly sure why, but she'd bet it was an attempt to block out any unwanted noise Hunny and Mori might be making in the other room. The twins were obviously getting bored. They had started off racing. Then that got boring so they decided to see how many people they could shoot down on one street. Then they started stealing cars. Lately, they'd taken to running people over with said cars. She wondered what they would do next...

"This is getting annoying." Hikaru gave a bored sigh, as if on cue.

"Right." Kaoru leaned back against the couch, his eyes on his brother. "Let's do something fun."

"Kyouya-senpai!" Together this time. "Can we see your laptop?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Are you looking at porn again?"

Haruhi raised a questioning eyebrow at Kyouya. She knew the majority of guys looked at porn. But she had to admit, it was pretty difficult to imagine the calm and diligent "Cool Type" gawking at "boobies".

There was a slight downward tug at the side of Kyouya's mouth before he answered, "That was a pop up."

The publically proclaimed Shadow King had many, _many_ problems. But porn wasn't one of them.

"If it's internet access you want, you can use the X-Box. It's wireless equipped."

The twins gave a loud cheer before rushing to switch game consoles.

_Fuck it_, Haruhi thought before unbuttoning the blazer and letting the soft material fall off of her shoulders. She didn't notice what a sensuous image it made when it slipped down her slight form, crumpling at the waist. A certain virgin did. But he thought best not to say anything about it.

Now in only a white collared shirt and tie, the girl stood to her feet and made her way to the table where Kyouya was sitting. She didn't want to be swept up into whatever plan the twins were scheming. And who knows what awaited her on the rosy lounge chair. Arms folded behind her back, she leaned down to stare into the computer screen, only to find that she couldn't make much sense of all the numbers and unknown names. She scanned the bottom of the screen to see a minimized AIM window. She wondered whom he might be talking to.

"You don't like playing games, Kyouya-senpai?"

The boy blinked before hesitantly gazing up to see her there. Something suspect flickered through his eyes and within seconds it was gone. Or rather glazed over by the sunlight now hitting his glasses. She wondered if he actually calculated the angles in which he positioned himself to best shield his eyes. It was scary. Someone who would do such a thing, surely must have some sort of personal issue.

She had _no _idea.

"Games are useless." he stated, flatly, his eyes glued to the screen again, fingers typing in more confusing names and numbers. "If I'm going to be successful in life, I can't afford to waste my time with games."

"Eh..."

"I would think you of all people understood that, Haruhi." He smiled, eyes still hidden underneath the glass. "By the way, your blazer is on the floor. You'll want to make sure nothing happens to it." His smiled widened. "It wasn't yours in the first place and if we have to buy you another one, it will only add to your debt."

Haruhi gulped as she backed away to (escape?) retrieve her blazer from the marble and safely placed it on a sofa. She decided it would be best from now on, not to disturb Kyouya while he was working. She'd rather risk the twins shenanigans than a rise in her already astoundingly high debt. Irritation began to rise in her chest. Like these rich bastards couldn't afford another bong. Perhaps they'd just wanted to torture her.

Sighing, her eyes centered in on a closed door toward the back of the room. Did it really take _that_ long? When her dad brought guys home it never seemed to take that long... Hm? Her nose wrinkled as something foreign and sour yet sweet filled her nostrils. Well, she might have smelled it before. But where?

"Tono." Hikaru called from behind a white game console.

"We thought you quit smoking." Kaoru finished.

"This is commoner's weed." Tamaki explained from his brooding spot on the lounge chair, his voice uncharacteristically low and gloomy. "I bought it from a commoner. In a commoner's alley."

Haruhi's grimaced. A commoner's alley? Should she be offended?

Kyouya sighed. "Does that somehow provide an explanation as to why you're smoking it?"

"I don't want to hear that from _you_." The blonde stared pointedly at Kyouya from over his shoulder before turning back to face the others. "Look! I just wanted to try it okay? The cheap taste is satisfying and besides it's... it's _blueberry_ flavored!" he revealed, unable to keep the smile from spreading across his face.

Hikaru and Kaoru's pupils slid simultaneously over to glance at each other before eying their king again.

"Smoking is _bad_ for yoooou." Kaoru mimicked.

"It will have _all_ sorts of adverse affects on my _beautiful_ body!" Hikaru continued.

"So from this day on!_ I,_ Suou Tamaki, refrain from all forms of-"

"Shut up!" Tamaki roared from the lounge chair, suddenly animated again. "Marijuana isn't bad for you! I went to one of Mori-senpai's rallies and they enlightened me!"

Kaoru snickered. "The word gullible isn't in the dictionary. You should go look it up, Tono."

"Yeah right!" Tamaki scoffed. "I looked it up! You won't fool me with that again!" He lifted the joint to his lips and started to inhale again. Instead, he exploded into a coughing attack, hand covering his mouth.

The twins howled with laughter.

"If you can't do it right, you shouldn't do it at all."

"You'd think after two years..."

"Whatever." Tamaki barely managed to sputter, his slender fingers clutching at his tie to loosen it and give himself more air. "And anyway, it's way better than those squares you guys smoke."

"Then why are squares legal?"

"Because," Tamaki started in a know-it-all voice. "The companies are making too much money off of them to stop selling." He leaned forward, joint in hand. "That's what Mori-senpai said."

"Oooh, Bravo, Tono."

"But didn't you know marijuana kills memory cells?"

"No way!"

"Yes way."

"I told you that a few days ago, Tamaki." Kyouya put in.

"Our point exactly."

"Well cigarettes cause lung cancer!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, marijuana makes your balls fall off."

Tamaki froze for a second before blinking twice, joint nearly falling onto the marble floor. That's when he attacked.

"You idiots!" He bashed a spanking brand new Playstation 3 against both twins heads. "How _dare_ you say such things in front of my daughter?!"

Haruhi groaned. He'd been calling her that all week and she just didn't understand it at all. She had broken it down to him being a perv. But even so, most pervs expressed their perversion with derogatory come ons and ass pats. Not by assigning themselves paternal roles. Maybe he was just strange. Exceedingly strange.

"HAHA- OUCH! EHEHE!" The twins ducked away from the exceedingly strange pervert and backed toward the couch.

"Us?!" Hikaru managed to choke out through laughter. "You're the one smoking weed in front of her!"

"Haruhi!" Tamaki suddenly spun around to face the girl and she swallowed hard. "You know that daddy is only experimenting! You know this isn't a long term-"

"Ahem." Kyouya cleared his throat. "The chair is on fire."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The paranoia began.

"Put it out! Put it out! Put it out!" Tamaki was squealing at the fire he'd started, both hands clutching his cheeks.

Haruhi glanced around the room quickly. Finally, she spotted something red attached to a nearby wall. "There!" she pointed. Funny. She'd never encountered a fire extinguisher in here before...

Regardless of the fire extinguisher's prior existence, Hikaru and Kaoru unhooked it from the wall and proceeded to spray mercilessly at the building flames. It was fun. So they thought they just might spray at something else.

"Why aren't you stopping?! WHY AREN'T YOU STOPPING?!"

"Boys." Kyouya spoke and they finally released the trigger.

"Sorry, Tono."

"We were trying to put out the fire."

"You shouldn't have been standing in the way like that."

"I-If you were trying to put out the fire," The ashen, six-foot tall, foamy blob started, an angry tremor in its tone. "Then why is the area between me and the chair completely untouched?!"

"Good observation, Tono."

"It is a mystery to us."

Haruhi shook her head, face in palm. If she had wanted to go home earlier, she was desperate to go now. "Are we going to go over the Winter Ball plans or not?"

"Haaaaaru-chan!" The girl barely had time to turn around before the little, blonde hobbit caught her by the arm and spun around. She wondered if he washed his hands...

"Mori-senpai!" The blob called, his ring and index finger held out in a peace sign. "I've been spreading the good word!"

Mori gave the blob a blank stare before forcing a smile and returning the sign.

"Haru-chaan!" Hunny started again and Haruhi tried her best not to stare at the hands that were clutching her own. "You're escorting Kanako this weekend, right?!"

The blob froze. The twins snorted. And Haruhi sighed.

_Kazuka Kanako._

_Current school whore._

She'd worked her way from the Student Council to the Football Team to the Drama Association and now the Host Club. Kanako had made out with just about every club member now. Some by force (To the virgin's dismay) and now it was Haruhi's turn.

Tamaki was brooding on his - now slightly burnt- lounge chair again.

"Hey, stop smoking all that commoner's weed, Tono!"

"What's the matter anyway?"

"Mayb-" he started to choke again. "Maybe if you acted like a girl, none of this would be happening, Haruhi."

Haruhi frowned. "No, I'm cool." She shrugged and leaned back against a wall. "Girls are kind of cute anyway. I could be a little into that."

"WHAT?!" Tamaki bellowed, suddenly on his feet. However, the foam hadn't yet dried and he was forced into a ten second dance in which he battled to keep his balance. He lost the battle.

"Haruhi." he squeaked from the floor. "Are you gay? Is that why you have that short style?"

"Huh?" Haruhi reached up to run a few fingers through her dark, chocolate colored tresses. "No. A kid put gum in my hair. So I cut it all off."

"What a silly reason." he spoke wistfully, assuming another depressed pose: Floor Version. The foam made it less Banana Republic and more hentai manga. "I much preferred your hair like this." He removed a small black wallet from his pocket and let the picture compartment fall open. From behind one patch of plastic smiled a younger, lengthier haired Haruhi.

Haruhi was afraid. She was very afraid.

"Where the hell did you get that?!" Would it be too much trouble to file a restraint order?

"Hm?" He seemed surprised at her sudden outburst. Was it really so strange to carry his daughter's picture around in his wallet? Tamaki didn't think so.

"Hey Tono!" Hikaru and Kaoru were in front of the television screen again. "You've got to come watch this!"

Pulling himself from the ground, Tamaki made his way over to their sofa. "More trash?" He frowned, leaning against the sofa head. "I think I rather not."

"Come on, Tono!" Kaoru begged, not bothering to hide his mischievous grin. "It's the most talked about video on the internet!"

Tamaki eyed them both suspiciously, his pupils gliding back and forth between the two before finally asking, "What is it?"

"2 Girls 1 Cup."

"Takashi and I are going home!" Hunny suddenly announced, his eyes more frantic than usual.

Mori promptly agreed and they headed for the door. Haruhi wondered what the big rush was... but if they were leaving...

"I'm going home t-"

"Wait, Haruhi!" Hikaru called, mirroring his brother's mischievous grin. "You have to see it too! You like girls right?"

Tamaki winced.

Heaving a sigh, Haruhi started toward the couch. "Fine." She leaned on the head beside Tamaki. "Is it long?"

"Sixty seconds."

She could deal with that. "Okay. But only until it's over."

"Awesome!" The twins rang together and Kaoru reached down to press 'A' on the game controller.

* * *

Eighty Seconds later...

* * *

"It's okay, Tamaki-senpai." Haruhi patted the boy's back as he kneeled over the toilet. It was a good thing she wasn't squeamish about this sort of thing.

"Oh God..." His body convulsed again and she looked away trying to ignore the plopping sounds. It was hard to believe that less than five minutes ago, she was considering filing a restraining order against _this_.

"I'm going to kill... can't believe... what kind of... how could-" More convulsing.

Haruhi leaned back against the stall walls. If it could be called a stall. More like a bathroom within itself. Did they really need this? Couldn't some of this money go to charity or something?

"So... disgusting..." She noticed tiny beads of tears forming at the corners of his eyes as he convulsed again.

Had it really been _that_ bad? I mean, **_yes_ **it was bad, even by her standards. And she was pretty pissed off at the twins for showing them and then leaving her here with a puking Tamaki. But, good god, did this guy take things too seriously.

"Haruhi..." he moaned, now covering his lips with a handful of specially threaded tissue. "Haruhi. How could they do something like that?"

"Why didn't you just look away? Kyouya-senpai didn't even glance-"

"I couldn't!" he sobbed. "It was too... Why would they _do_ that?!"

Haruhi scowled as she took his free hand and guided him to the sink of the overly decorated bathroom stall. Daughter? Heh. She felt like a mother. "I don't know, senpai." She tried to think of something that would calm him down.

Ah. She had it.

"It was probably chocolate ice cream!" She grinned at him through the mirror.

He blinked at her, his cheeks puffy with mouthwash.

She stared back, smile firm. _Please buy it._

He spit the blue liquid into the sink and stared up at her again, violet eyes swimming. "You really think so, Haruhi?"

"Of course!" She put a comforting hand to his arm. "Someone couldn't do something like that for real, right?"

He nodded slowly. "Right..." Laughter. "You're right!" Still chuckling in relief, he put his hand behind his head. Was he blushing?

"We should get home." He smiled down warmly on her, completely recovered now. And somehow, she was able to genuinely smile back- no force required.

With that, they made their way out of the elaborate stall. And then out of the bathroom. He prattled on excitedly about what the ball would be like. And she listened, nodded her head, and pretended to care. She could only hope that it wouldn't be anywhere near as disastrous as this simple five o' clock club meeting had been.

* * *

Okay, that was** fun** to write. Was it fun for you? **Be honest**. I need to know these things XD

Any requests? Problems? **TELL ME IN YOUR REVIEW!**

There is one line in here taken directly from the first chapter of the manga. And it's unexpected too. Do you know which one?

I decided to somewhat follow the storyline of the anime. VERY loosely. Let me stress that **VERY VERY VEEEEEEEERY LOOSELY**.

Well, I think that is all I have to say.

**REVIEW!**


	3. It's Tamaki's Party

An elegantly constructed palace on Ouran's northern campus shined brighter than it ever had tonight, the lights gleaming and glistening from large Victorian styled windows. Faint laughter carried on the breeze from the magnificent building and adults passing by would smile, lift their heads to the moonlit sky in wishful nostalgia, and say, "Those Host Club boys have done it again." Well, the Host Club had indeed done _something_. But it wasn't anywhere near, let alone _along_ the lines of what these unsuspecting adults were thinking. In fact, it was on an entirely different page, in an entirely different novel.

Let's zoom in, shall we?

"_WHO DARES TO TURN OFF THE LIGHTS?!_" One Suou Tamaki barked, more to himself than anyone else. But that didn't stop the surrounding customers and their dates from backing away and staring at him in mild curiosity. The Host King was having another one of his 'moments' again. Of course, this particular time, he had a logical reason. The Golden Room, the largest of the twenty extravagant ballrooms in the palace, had just- like the Silver, Diamond, and Sapphire rooms- gone pitch black. The guests were elated by this. They loved the darkness. It was perfect for inappropriate dancing, spiking the freshly squeezed fruit juice, and performing all sorts of lewd, unseemly acts- all of which Tamaki abhorred. The music blasting from the gratuitously placed speakers fell harshly upon his delicate, pink ears and trembled violently through out his body. Some sort of rap he hadn't heard before. Probably American. Tamaki wished that the artist would stop cursing every other word. And while it was good that the man had money and cars, he didn't have to repeat it ten times a chorus- automobile brands and presidents included. And despite the fact that the boy believed in monogamy, he was glad for the artist and all of his women. He did, however, prefer he didn't call them bitches. Though the "bitches" at the ball apparently didn't care as they were waving their hands high and singing along.

The host king only sighed and leaned back against a wall, nearly bumping into a clumsy, interlocked couple. It wasn't so much that he completely disapproved of these types of parties. People were having fun and that's all that truly mattered. It's just that... _the ball wasn't supposed to be like this! _He'd wanted to do something proper and elegant! For once.

"Tama-chan?" The blonde peered down through the darkness to see something tiny and short grasping his hand. "You're not having fun?"

Tamaki forced a smile. "Of course I am, Hunny senpai!" he lied through gritted teeth. "But have you seen the twins? They weren't at the opening ceremonies earlier." His fingers clenched into fists. Those slackers...

"Mm..." Hunny bit at his little thumb. "I think they're in the broom closet at the end of this hall."

Tamaki blinked dumbly. The broom closet? "What would they be doing in there?"

"You know..." Hunny blinked back, wondering if realization would dawn before he had to explain.

"Eh?"

He gave it a few more seconds.

Tamaki rubbed at the back of his golden head, his eyebrows arching higher by the second.

Nothing.

"Eh... Tama-chan-?" he started to begin his 'When two twins love each other very much...' schtick before suddenly reeling over in pain, arms grasping at his stomach. Tamaki's eyes widened in alarm.

"Hunny-senpai!" He kneeled down, nearly slipping on an abandoned wonder bra. "Did you have too much cake?!"

"N-No, Tama-chan!" Hunny gave a weak laugh, before slowly standing upright again. Mori was suddenly there beside him. He'd been monitoring the situation from his watch post in the dark. "I just hurt myself from sparring with Chika yesterday."

"Oh." Tamaki nodded. That made perfect sense!

Actually, no. It did not make any sense whatsoever. Because young Chika was currently on a vacation in Italy with his Junior High class. Perhaps, if Tamaki had a little brother or sister he would know that. Or perhaps if he had any memory cells left considering that his father had been going on to him for weeks about how an important business partner was sponsoring the trip. Must have been the commoner's weed.

"Well, be careful! Okay Hunny-senpai?" Tamaki massaged at the hobbit's copper bangs before rising from his place on the ground. "I'm going to go see what those two assholes are up to."

"Um..." Hunny lifted a hand in protest as the younger boy started toward the large, gold encrusted double doors. "Tama-chan! Remember what happened before?"

"Before?" Still walking, Tamaki glanced over his shoulder. "I don't know what you mean, Hunny-senpai."

Hunny frowned. He couldn't have been that stupid, could he?

"Tamaki." The furry spoke. "Last year."

"Ah, yes." Tamaki smiled to himself. That was the first year of the Host Club's Winter Ball! Tonight was the one year anniversary! Al though he had hoped that it would be different this year... "Thank you for reminding me, Mori-senpai!" With that, they watched him disappear behind one of the large doors.

"Well..." Hunny sighed, retrieving a tray of colorful, scrumptious looking cakes from a nearby table. "We did try."

"Ah."

"... wanna go upstairs?"

"_Ah_."

* * *

Meanwhile, Tamaki was making his way down the long, wide hallway. It was candle lit and lined with portraits of important figures in the school, including his father. And his grandfather. And _his _grandfather before that. Tamaki wondered if he'd be placed here one day. The lighting was horrible, but his looks alone would make up for it.

"Tamaki-sama!" He gave a seductive smile as girls waved shyly- some not so shyly- from the corridor walls. Regardless of his less than admirable qualities, the girls couldn't deny that he looked absolutely stunning in his creamy, white suit, a soft pink button up peeking out at the collar. They would have to say that Tamaki's attributes were most perfectly defined in the color white. They wondered why. It couldn't have anything to do with sexual purity, right? Tamaki had been charming women into the bedroom (cradle?) since he was in diapers, right? He was a sex **GOD**, right? _Right_?!

"Oh my!"

He could hear more feminine giggles as he approached the end of the hall. Sure enough, he noticed a small group of girls huddling around a freshly polished wooden door, all giggling mercilessly at whatever was coming from inside.

"Oh! Tamaki-sama!" A brunette in a sparkling, lavender halter gown had spotted him.

"Good evening, princess." He bowed slightly, before gently taking her chin and planting a chaste kiss upon her cheek. Her breath caught in her throat and the other girls eyed them enviously. "Are you enjoying the ball?"

"Wow, yeah!" she exclaimed, her fingers pressed against her cheek. "I am now!"

He chuckled softly before averting his eyes to the door again. "What's going on in there?"

"Oh." The girl was smirking deviously. "Are you going to join them, Tamaki-sama?"

"Join them?" He raised an eyebrow. "In a game?"

"Ooooooh!" The girls all erupted in a fit of giggles. "He calls it a game!"

"Tamaki-sama is so bad!"

"He just pretends to be a prince! I told you!"

"Eh?" Tamaki, who was indeed not faking the goofy grin that had just slipped across his lips, stepped around the girl and headed towards the door. "Is this a broom closet? I'm looking for the twins."

"EEEEEEEE!" A heavy set strawberry blonde squealed from beside him, her two piece, black dress revealing more than anyone really cared to see. "THEY'RE INSIDE! ARE YOU JOINING THEM?!"

"Ah, yes!" Tamaki declared, dramatically. "Of course I am!"

The girls nearly shit themselves.

"Thank you for your help." He ran his fingers lightly against the strawberry blonde's cheek. "You look beautiful tonight."

If she hadn't have been so hopelessly lost in those deep, amethyst eyes, she might have noticed the muffled snickers coming from her "friends" just a few feet away.

"Yeah, whatever."

Tamaki suddenly felt a swarm of hands digging into his back and forcing him toward the broom closet. The sparkling, lavender gown whipped in front of him like a whirlwind and a hand reached up to open the door.

"Uh..." He laughed nervously. Just what exactly was going on here? "You don't have to-"

"Shhh!" Strawberry Blonde had jammed her pudgy fingers against his back. "Open it now!"

"Wai-"

But it was too late. Sparkling Lavender had thrown the door open and no sooner than the hinges began to sway, he was being forced inside.

"Don't shut up on our account!" A girl in turquoise barked after him.

"That's right!" Strawberry Blonde squealed, a manic gleam in her eyes."Feel free to make all kinds of noise!" And with that the door slammed shut and there was a small clicking sound. The sound of a lock being engaged.

"Er..." Tamaki sat confused- and a bit disoriented- upon the cushioned floor of the dimly lit space. Like all broom closets, it was complete with plush carpeting, several bookcases, a kitchen area, and a coat closet for the janitors. And towards the back of the room, of course, there was: a sofa, a lamp, Hikaru, a dresser, Kaoru, empty wrappers of some sort, the captain of the girls' tennis team, a kazoo-

"WHAT?!"

Tamaki's eyes froze on them for a few seconds while he took in the complete picture. The abandoned dress clothes. The sweat. The naked flesh. The disarrayed hair. The heat. The peculiar smell...

"GYAH!" Arms shielding his eyes, he whirled around, his feet carrying him as far away from the offending scene as possible. "JUST WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"

After a short bout of silence, someone finally spoke.

"Well," Kaoru started, his breathing labored. "We thought it was pretty obvious."

"You forget who we're dealing with, Kaoru."

"Shut up!" Tamaki cried, now facing the wall, arms shaking in rage and slight embarassment. "Is this where you were?! When we were supposed to be having opening ceremonies?! And with the captain of the tennis team no less! What kind of hosts are you-?!"

Frustrated groaning. "This happened last year, Tono."

"Why are you surprised?"

"I think that says more about you than it does us."

"This is..." Tamaki trembled with anger, clutching a nearby bookcase so that he wouldn't fall over. "This is unacceptable! You missed everything! And sex shouldn't be- there's no love here! And for a young lady to- the club's image... You guys... You guys... YOU GUYS ARE _BAD_!" And with that said, the host king sank to the ground, conjuring a handkerchief from seemingly no where and sobbing into it. "I try so hard... I try so hard to raise you like good-"

"Oh my gooooood, you guys!" A voice from the other side of the door. "Tamaki-sama is _crying_!"

"I didn't know he was submissive!" came Sparkling Lavender.

"No way!"

"Submissive?" Tamaki blinked, thought over the term a bit more, and somehow it finally clicked. "NO! I, SUOU TAMAKI, AM NOT SUBMISSIVE!"

"EEEEEEEEEEE!"

He could hear the twins chuckling their evil chuckle behind him.

"They could be recording you!" he seethed at the two, still refusing to look at them.

"So what?" Hikaru asked nonchalantly. "There were already three tapes going around."

Tamaki gasped.

"But Kyouya-senpai does such a good job at covering up..."

"... that we didn't think it mattered much." They finished together.

"But- but-" How could Kyouya hide this from him?!

"Video can be annoying though."

"So we asked that no one come in."

"However..."

"... we're willing to make an exception for _you_, Tono."

Tamaki's eyebrows furrowed as he gazed into the blank wall. What was that supposed to mean?

"Yeah!" A girl's voice suddenly blurted out, but this time it came from the inside of the room. Ami Kaedo, tennis captain, had remained quiet in her confusion for most of the time. Since when had the host king been such a prude? Surely, he was just putting on a show. Even now he was pretending. Silly boy. He didn't have to pretend for her. And now she had an opportunity for a foursome- host king included? She realized that no other girl (or guy) had adequately claimed any type of sexual contact (though there had beenan_ interesting_ rumor of an inner- Host Club affair) with Suou. The rest of the team would just _die_.

"You should join in!" she coerced, a bit desperately. Tamaki was grateful that she couldn't see the pity-ridden frown that had formed on his lips.

"Er... I couldn't!"

"Please?"

"..."

"I would be..." Eh... How did he like to phrase things again? "... honored."

"Princess Ami," He started to glance over his shoulder but stopped cold at the first sight of pink skin. He had to maintain his role as the only gentleman in this situation! "You should forget these fools and get back to the party. Everyone is enjoying it and we're about to announce-"

"No, god dammit!" she cried in a sudden fit of impatience. "Fuck the stupid party! I want you now!"

_Gulp._

"You heard the girl, Tono."

Footsteps.

_Shit,_ Tamaki cursed to himself as the floor's soft creaking grew louder. He wrapped his fingers around the doorknob and pulled mercilessly, but to no avail.

"Tamaki-sama." Two lengthy arms snaked their way around his chest.

"Let me out!" He pulled harder only to achieve a loud burst of giggles from the other side.

"He _is_ submissive!"

"I can't believe it!"

"Be careful, Tono." Hikaru sang.

"If you break it, you'll be trapped in here forever."

"With us."

"Please! Open! This! Door!" Tamaki sobbed as something fluttered against his ear.

"It's okay." Ami whispered. "I won't tell anyone."

"OPEN IT! OPEN IT! OPEN IT!"

The liar leaned into him on her tip toes, lips still brushing against his ear. "Look at me."

"Heh... I'm sure that you're very beautiful, princess," Tamaki explained, gracefully. "but you're not wearing any clothes." He nearly sent a death glare in the twins' direction when they reminded him that "that" was "kind of the point". He couldn't respectfully look at her like this, let alone touch her. But then how was he supposed to get her off of him?

"Here." She started to reach around his waist before he could stop her. "Just let me-"

"Well!" Hikaru rang loudly, accompanied by the sound of springs moving. "This is getting pretty boring, isn't it, Kaoru?"

"I agree, Hikaru." His brother responded, dryly. "We should go."

"Wh-what?" The girl's arms fell and Tamaki gave a long withheld sigh of relief. "B-but I thought we were going to-"

Hikaru scoffed. "Well, you seem more interested in Tono than us."

"N-no! I was just-"

"Here... Put this on."

"You can look now, Tono."

Tamaki spun around to find his predator clutching a sheet to her body, her hazel eyes wide with fear. "No! Wait! I'll pay attention to you-"

"Too late." They both shrugged, now buttoning their matching royal blue blazer fronts.

"What the hell do you mean 'too late'?!"

"Ah, Hikaru!" Kaoru moaned. "One of my buttons fell off!"

"Are you listening to me?!"

"It's okay, Kaoru." The other twin swept an arm around his brother's shoulder as they made their way toward the door. "The designer is cheap anyway. We'll ask mom to fire him."

"Hey!" Hikaru ripped the corresponding button from his own blazer. "Whoever opens the door first can have a piece of our outfits!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The door swung open and a parade of girls fought to appear as if they'd initially been holding the doorknob. Strawberry Blonde ended up squirming on the floor and together, the twins ended up throwing both buttons into the air, causing a bloody frenzy.

"You're free, Tono." They spoke in unison before starting down the hall, off to cause more mayhem no doubt. Tamaki just stared after them in a faraway gaze, his eyes troubled. He had it in his mind that he'd bettered them somehow, but had he really bettered them at all?

"You fucking assholes!" The scream jolted him out of his thoughts and he turned to see Ami, sinking to her knees, tears spilling out of her eyes. "What the hell am I going to tell the team now?"

Sighing, he knelt down beside her, conjuring yet another handkerchief. Just like in the old days. He thought he had bettered them. Yet here he was again, cleaning up another one of their messes. "If you knew their reputation, why did you do it in the first place?" He patted gingerly at her tear stained cheeks. "Why did you assume they'd treat you any differently?"

"I don't know." she breathed softly, sweeping a few brown strands from her eyes. "I just thought... and I told the girls-"

"They'll get over it." Smiling warmly, he cradled her face in his hand, thumb gently massaging at the tear stains. "You didn't gain their respect or become captain based on how many hosts you've slept with."

She lifted her downcast eyes to shoot him a smirk. "You sound like my dad."

"Eh?" He stared blankly as she stood to her feet. On one hand, he'd been insulted. But on the other, he had bettered his father-daughter skills!

"I'm gonna go." She was pulling a small, rose colored dress over her head. It was wrinkled in places and slightly torn at the zipper. People would talk.

"Perhaps you'd like me to order something else for you to w-"

He was interrupted by a sharp giggle, and before he could react, she'd leaned forward to kiss his cheek.

"You're a funny guy, Suou." And still giggling, she walked out of the room, down the candle lit hallway, and vanished into the crowd, leaving a rather dumbfounded Tamaki and a messy broom closet to boot. He let out a deep breath that he had hardly been aware of holding in. Well, at least the night couldn't get any worse. His thoughts wandered to their latest host, Haruhi the Shemale. How had "he" been faring tonight?


	4. And He'll Cry If he Wants To

Author's Note: Wow. Okay so this is definitely my** longest chapter **so far. It's like... **twice the size** of my other chapters XD Well, a lot goes on in this chapter. It was fun to write so i hope it is as fun to read. I'm about to see that for myself as I have not read over this yet. Hope I don't totally have to revamp it. As things get crazier it only gets **harder to keep the** **characters **right so** let me know** if I messed up. But also understand that everyone is supposed to be just a bit **harsher or dirtier** than normal. Even Tamaki. Well, okay. Here goes.

Oh and **_YEAH OBAMA!_** Okay...

* * *

"Mmm." Haruhi let out a low moan. This was ecstasy. It was so perfect, she wanted to scream. Not that she could. Her lips were very much occupied with something else at the moment. The sensation was soft and gentle against her tongue. The taste, different from anything she could have ever imagined. Her growing hunger was insatiable. She wanted more.

"Haruhi?" a trembling female voice whispered into her ear.

"Mmm?" she murmured, drunken eyes half closed.

"Y- you'll get sick..." the girl stammered. "... if you keep eating so much ootoro..."

"No, it's alright." Haruhi grudgingly lowered the fatty tuna from her lips so that she could face the worried brunette in pastel. "I eat like this all the time!"

"Really?"

"Yeah..." Haruhi's eyes slid toward her abandoned dish. Too long they had parted. "Don't worry. I'll be fine!"

"Well..." The girl started to turn away, her eyes skeptical. "If you say so..."

And with that taken care of, Haruhi was engrossed in the refreshment area once again. If there was one thing that she _didn't _find irritating or overall useless about Ouran Academy, it was the assess to high class foods. Expensive breads. Nectars. Fruits. Ootoro!

But could she really eat it all here? Surely her stomach would eventually fill. She wasn't bulemic - believe it or not. And she wasn't like Hunny-senpai. She didn't have lipo-suction specialists standing by. Perhaps she should have bought a man bag or something to store these precious things away for the winter. Oh well. She had to get as much as possible down now.

So, Haruhi went on guzzling. She didn't notice when the occasional customer gave her 'the eye'. She didn't notice when a second year lifted her shirt to flash the entire room in the middle of the dance floor. She didn't even notice when the lights suspiciously flickered out. She could still see the food. And that was all that _really_ mattered. However, there was something- or rather someone- that was particularly difficult to miss, raging appetite or otherwise.

"Haruhi." She nearly jumped three feet in the air when a familiar voice called from behind.

"Kyouya-senpai?" She spun around to meet face to face with the club's vice president.

"We have a problem." he pressed on, not bothering with formalities. One more problem, after all, was a significant matter for one who already had so many _very__** serious**_ problems.

"Eh?" It was important to keep it short and simple when dealing with the demon lord.

"The refreshment tables in the Emerald and Diamond rooms have both been cleared out, leaving only the desserts with the exception of strawberry based dishes." He smiled a terrifying smile. "Did you have anything to do with that?"

"Um..." Haruhi swallowed hard. She had two simple choices. She could:

**A.** Lie

**B.** Be indebted to the Shadow King for the rest of her life

The best choice would seem obvious, but being the kind, honest, (stupid?) commoner that she was, Haruhi opted to make a death wish.

"Er... I might have had... a bite or two..."

The problematic Shadow King adjusted his glasses with a finger and they glazed over, catching an unseen light. The room was completely dark! Where was it coming from?! "You take an awfully large bite, Haruhi."

"Eh..."

"I'm afraid I'll have no choice but to-"

"Kyouya-samaaaa!"

"Hm?" He turned to find a small, slender hand clutching at his shoulder. How annoying. Didn't she realize that he was busy? He started to slap on a false grin and excuse himself when he noticed a blur of navy blue coattails darting to the left. Apparently, Haruhi had gone with the final option:

**C. **Run as fast as your legs can carry you in the opposite direction.

_Dammit_, he cursed to himself as she vanished into the darkness. She would pay for that. Literally.

"Kyouya-sama!" The wretched, high-pitched voice was louder this time, obviously upset at being ignored. She was tipsy. He could tell without even looking at her. It must have been the spiked punch in the Silver Room. Putting on a friendly mask, he reluctantly turned to greet her.

"Miss Anaya!" He took her hand and leaned down to kiss it. She smelled of vodka. "Are you enjoying yourself?"

"Yea-ah!" she blurted with an unnecessary energy and leaned in to wrap her disgusting arms around him. She was probably having trouble keeping her own balance. Her raven hair, originally clamped into a classy up-do, had fallen into disarray. Her hot pink mini dress, messy and wrinkled. "Do you wanna get something to drink with me?!"

_Now? You're kidding_. Like he could afford to get wasted here.

"I better not." He smiled his fake smile. "I am in charge here, after all."

"I think that's so awesome!" she gushed, pulling him toward the dance floor, a wild and tumultuous place. Now that the lights were gone, he could only imagine what all was going on inside of the throbbing crowd of kids. "Dance with me?"

_Whatever_.

"Sure." He supposed that he'd better. He hadn't danced at all tonight and if he held out any longer, he'd risk appearing standoffish. Besides, it wasn't as if he had to do much. Dancing meant for him to stand there and look as if he were actually aroused while she moved closely against him. Too closely. It really was a shame that grinding A.K.A 'Having Sex with Your Clothes On' was so popular among his classmates. Especially if it meant that he had to subject himself to_ this_. If he wanted to fuck, he could always just fuck. Not that he was interested in the drunken mess before him. This was absolutely useless.

And apparently someone else in the crowd felt the same way. But Kyouya knew it was for much different reasons.

Suou Tamaki actually had a little something called 'morals'.

The blonde was courting Kurokano, a plain, but decent first year student from a prominent family. They too were dancing, but it was the type of dance you'd find on the modern Disney Channel or a light hearted teen sitcom. Mildly sultry, but very family friendly. He'd give it a PG rating. Kyouya almost smirked at the memory of his friend's expression when he attended his first party here. He had been horrified by the dancing and actually spent a good amount of time sulking on the terrace. Honestly, had his mother kept him in a closet back in France? How could he have been so utterly naive? But even so... He watched as the two laughed and whispered sweet nothings into each other's ears... There was always something oddly sensual about Tamaki.

Despite being a total prude.

"Kyouya!" Kyouya blinked. Had the Shadow King been daydreaming? It was a scary thought. He gulped as something tall, fair, and blonde stampeded toward him. Dammit. He had black hair and grey eyes. How had Tamaki spotted him so easily in the dark?

"Tamaki."

"Why were you staring at us?" The blonde stopped just short of him, nearly speeding into a wide eyed Anaya. Kyouya frowned and crossed his arms nonchalantly.

"I was staring at you?"

"Forget it." Tamaki dropped the subject and attributed it to one of his best friend's many problems. He knew the one. But there were more important matters at hand here! "Why are the lights going out?!"

"I don't know, Tamaki." He sighed, tired of having to raise his voice over the loud pop rhythms. He didn't even care for this type of music. "But our customers don't see it as a problem so I thought nothing of it."

"W-Well," the boy sputtered. "Why didn't you tell me about the twins' sex tapes?!"

"THE TWINS HAVE SEX TAPES?!" a chorus of girls boomed. "KYAAAAA!"

"YOU DIDN'T KNOW?!"

"I HAVE ONE ON MY LAPTOP!"

Tamaki nearly fainted. "Kyouya _why_?!"

_Because I knew you'd react like this._

"Because I didn't want to bother you with it."

"Then why aren't you wearing your blazer?!"

_Because it's fucking hot in here._

"The less clothing we wear, the happier our customers are..." He turned to smile at a crowd of girls beside them. "Right girls?"

"RIGHT!"

"You know that, Tamaki."

"Well..." The blonde blubbered. "I guess you're right..." Tears began to form at the corners of his eyes. "But... but..."

_Not here, you idiot. Don't. Don't even think about crying._

"TAMAKI-SAMAAA!" Anaya had unattached herself from Kyouya to wrap her arms around Tamaki's neck.

"Princess Anaya." He smiled down on her, all traces of tears disappeared. Kyouya honestly didn't see how he could be so close to her without gagging. But that was Tamaki for you. At least he'd stopped whining.

"Are you having fun?" Tamaki was still beaming at the girl.

"Yea-ah!" she roared in that over-excited manner that Kyouya abhorred. "Hey!" Her eyes suddenly fluttered back and forth between the two hosts. "I'm about to go to the Onyx room! Did you guys wanna come?!"

Kyouya started to politely decline the invitation and relish in his newfound freedom, when suddenly she added:

"My friend texted me saying they're RAVING in there!"

"REALLY?!" Tamaki boomed.

Oh no. "Tamaki-"

"With glow sticks?!"

"YEA-AH!" Anaya screeched.

"Tamaki-"

"LIKE ON COMMONER TV?!"

"YEA-AAAAAH!"

"Tamaki, you wouldn't last two seconds-"

"OH MY GOD! LET'S GO!"

"HELL YEA-AH!"

"NO-"

"COME ON, KYOUYA!"

And before he could utter another word of protest, he was tugged off into the darkness.

* * *

Later the night...

Haruhi panted harshly as she stumbled down an empty, dark, upstairs corridor. Between running away from the Shadow King and avoiding that whore, Kanako, she was exhausted. It wasn't as if she ever exercised, played sports, or participated in any type of physical activity without being forced so that she could build endurance for this type of shit. Haruhi was shaping up to be a real fat ass. And to think she had to run on a full stomach too. Bile rose in her throat and she swallowed to keep it down. She should have known that it was too good to be true. That these rich bastards would ruin her meal.

Suddenly a strange scent filled her nostrils. Someone closeby was smoking something. Something strong. She sighed. And here, she had thought her classmates back in junior high were bad ass. She had no idea that the wealthy could be so-

"Haru-chan!" She turned to see that a door in the center of the hall had swung open and there in its place stood a slightly ruffled Mori and Hunny... in a dog suit.

"Hunny-senpai?" Her eyebrows creased. "Why are you wearing that?"

"Um..." Hunny blinked, glancing up at his cousin/lover and back at Haruhi. "We were roleplaying."

"Roleplaying?"

"Yeah." His eyes lowered to the ground.

"...... Oh."

"So," Hunny attempted to change the subject. "What are you doing up here all alone, Haru-chan?!"

"Ah." Mori made his existence known.

Haruhi scratched at her brown bangs. She probably shouldn't tell them about the food episode just yet...

"You shouldn't be up here alone!" Hunny hugged her around the waist with his furry, brown dog arms. "You could get hurt!"

Haruhi thought that she might take her chances with whatever perverts awaited her up here rather than deal with a money hungry Kyouya or a sex starved Kanako.

"Well, we're going back downstairs to get some cake, kay?!" He took Mori by the arm and led him toward a marble staircase. "You should come too!"

"I will in a minute." She smiled as they made their way down the stairs before falling back against a corridor wall and sighing. She didn't know how much more of this she could take. Hopefully, she wouldn't be expected to attend these parties often. Rich people were so strange. Especially her fellow club members. You'd think that with all the money, they could afford some sort of mental help. Every experience with them tonight had been just plain weird. From the mysterious light source of Kyouya's glasses to the twins trying to convince her to join them and three other girls in a hot tub to just now with Hunny and Mori. And to think she had yet to come across the most eccentric of them all.

"WAH!" A familiar cry.

She thought too soon.

"Tamaki-senpai?" Snapping her head around, she leaned toward the direction of the voice. He seemed upset. Maybe it would be a good idea to check on him. Or not. If the Host King was nearby that meant trouble followed closely behind. And she didn't want trouble.

More moaning.

Haruhi joined in. She didn't wanna! But once again, her kind, honest, (stupid?) commoner heart prevailed.

"Tamaki-senpai?" She continued to follow the cries, down the dark hallway, around a corner, down another corridor, and finally to the large, glass double doors leading to a terrace. They were at least one hundred times her size. How did one open such doors? Lucky for her, someone had already managed to figure that out. Slipping through the narrow opening, she stepped out into a starry night, creamy white curtains billowing in the breeze. Deep green vines crawled over the Roman styled balcony and cherry blossoms swayed close by, occasionally brushing against the structure. Even the moon was in full view tonight. It might have been breathtaking... had it not been for the tattered blonde sulking in the corner.

"Tamaki-senpai?" She was afraid of whatever would follow the question she was about to ask. "What happened?"

"Hm?" he sniffed, slowly turning around, his violet eyes brimming with tears. "Oh, Haruhi!" His expression suddenly lit up. "Are you having fun?!"

"Not re-"

"I hope you're having fun!" He smiled widely. "I know how completely ignorant you are so I was worried for a moment."

Okay. Haruhi twitched. She was just going to pretend he never said that.

"Daddy was concerned that just the sight of all this would put your commoner heart in the hospi-"

"Senpai!" she barked, silencing him. One more insulting commoner remark and she might just walk away. Did he honestly not understand how offending he was?! "What happened to you? Where's your blazer? Why are the buttons missing from your shirt? And why are your pants ripped?" Not to mention the lack of shoes and unruly hair... "Did you get into a fight, senpai?"

"Huh?" He blinked, eyes wide. "No, I would never-"

"Yeah, you're right. I don't know what I was thinking."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Well," He began as she sat Indian-style beside him at the edge of the balcony. She had a feeling they would be here for a while.

"Me and Kyouya were raving in the Onyx Room."

... of course...

"It was a lot of fun at first. Everyone was dancing and waving glow sticks and eating these little white peppermints-"

"Go on."

"So suddenly..."

Here it comes...

"I thought it would be really fun..." He bit his lip. "... to climb up on the stair banister and jump off."

Haruhi blinked. "Why did you think that would be fun, senpai?"

"So the crowd could carry me!" he explained as if it were common knowledge. "Like on commoner TV."

Haruhi blinked again. "But that's just stupid."

"Shut up!" he whined, a steady flow of tears building. "It was cool at first..."

"Right."

"But then... then they started pulling at my clothes!" he sobbed. "And trying to take my blazer! So I gave it to them! B-But..."

Haruhi's eye twitched. "But what, senpai?"

"But they wanted more!" he cried over dramatically. "They kept tearing off pieces of my outfit and trying to stuff glow sticks in strange places!" He covered his face. "They were like vultures, Haruhi! And I couldn't go anywhere but up!"

More twitching. "Why didn't Kyouya-senpai help you?"

Tamaki let out a low growl. "That bastard pretended not to see." He bit angrily at his thumb. "And after I took him to the rave!"

"Maybe he didn't want to go, senpa-"

"He totally wanted to go!" Tamaki's fist shot up passionately. "I could see it in his eyes!"

"That was probably murderous intent, senpa-"

"Why do you call me that after every sentence?"

"Hm?" She surveyed the poor boy. He was starting to tear up again. Sighing, she put a hand to his shoulder and smiled. It probably wasn't Tamaki's fault that he was such an idiot. He must not have gotten enough oxygen when he was born. Those looks that he was always bragging on were most likely compensating for something after all. "It'll be okay, senpai. Let's get you some new clothes-"

"No need." he interrupted, now tracing an invisible circle on the balcony with his index finger. "When I finally got away and everyone saw me like this, they thought I was just starting a new trend or something." He let out a deep sigh. "So now all the guys are walking around barefoot with their shirts undone and holes in their pants..."

"Wow." Haruhi leaned against her palm, propping her elbow against her knee. "You sure have a lot of influence, senpai."

"Well, why wouldn't I?" It was his turn to blink at her. "I _am_ pretty damn awesome."

"Eh..." She wouldn't go _that_ far.

"You know," His eyes grew thoughtful as he stared down at the now deeply bolded invisible circle. "I'm glad everyone had so much fun..." His finger whirred to a stop. "But I really wish we could have the types of parties I had back home." And suddenly he was animated again. "They were HUGE! With crystal chandeliers and flowing gowns and beautiful music! Like a medieval FAIRY TALE!" Haruhi nearly jumped. He had to stop doing that.

"But we're not kids anymore." She sighed. "You have to grow up sometime, senpai."

She expected him to argue back and give her some dramatic speech on... ballroom dancing. Or some other all around useless subject. But he didn't. He just wrapped his arms around his knees and stared at nothing in particular. "I know."

Haruhi frowned at the crestfallen prince. She supposed it wasn't so bad to have such dreams. Even she had before... a good ten years ago. But still...

"I'm sorry your over extravagant, childish dreams didn't go as planned." He flinched and she smiled innocently, unaware of the sting in her words. "But it's still a really beautiful night." She turned to stare up at the full moon. "Isn't it?"

His averted his stare to gaze at her. "Yeah." He let out a small laugh as he hoisted himself up to lean over the balcony. "Yeah, you're right, Haruhi."

"Hm?" She gazed back. He was quick at recovering. Planting her palms against the smooth white marble, she raised to stand beside him. "Are you ready to go back now?"

This seemed to catch him off guard. He had been so caught up in this father-daughter time, he'd forgotten that there was anything to go back to at all! "Haru-"

"HARUHI!" They both spun around to see a shadowy figure looming behind the billowy curtains. Haruhi gasped as the figure swept the material away and stepped forward into the moonlight.

"GYAH!" Tamaki was facing in the opposite direction now, scarlet red creeping into his cheeks.

"Kanako." Haruhi had also averted her attention to a small, irrelevant vine that was scaling the upper right wall. "I'm pretty sure senpai only meant for guys to wear that style." She raised an eyebrow. "And where did you get the men's dress shirt?"

"Where the hell have you been?!" the taller girl bellowed. "You're supposed to be escorting me! I've been looking for you all night!"

"Er..." Haruhi started to back away. Perhaps she would have stuck around had the girl not tried to get her in every broom closet/kitchen/unoccupied area they passed.

"I had to hold myself off on Nekozawa! NEKOZAWA!" She shook in rage.

"Er... Princess Kanako-"

"Can it, bleach head, before I tell the entire school what a huge prude you are!"

"THIS IS ONE HUNDRED PERCENT NATURAL!"

"Senpai, please."

"IT'S NOT FAKE!" he pressed on. "DON'T YOU LISTEN FOR A SECOND, HARUHI-"

"I believe you."

Then before he could show her his golden roots, Kanako had taken Haruhi by the arm to drag her off toward the nearest closed area.

"NO!" Tamaki reached out as they disappeared behind the double doors. "Haruhi!" He poked his head into the dark corridor. He could hear the sound of dying footsteps, but he couldn't tell in which direction they had gone. His hand balled into a fist. What did she plan to do to his poor, defenseless daughter?!

"That's so like her."

"EEEYAAAAAAAAAH!" Tamaki nearly leapt backwards off of the balcony. "GHOST!"

"Relax, Suou." A rather plain, brown haired boy moved toward him, his expression mildly amused. "I'm not a ghost."

Tamaki let out a low sigh of relief.

"So you're a prude, huh?"

"Wha?"

"I always wondered why girls never bragged about making it with you."

"..."

"To be honest, I always thought you were gay-"

"So..." Tamaki laughed, attempting to change the subject. They had no right to judge him! "You take tea sets from your dad's business to give to the club, right?"

"That's me!" The boy cheesed. "Tohru Suzushima. I stole another ten sets today so I should have them in by next week."

"Ah..." Tamaki blinked. "You steal them?"

"Well, yeah."

"From your dad?"

"Duh." Tohru blinked. "I told you guys that."

Tamaki fumed. You guys meaning Kyouya. He would have to sit down with "mommy" and have a long talk... "So how do you know Kanako?"

"Oh, her?" He leaned back against the wall, arms cradeling his head. "She's my er... fiancee."

Tamaki's eyes widened slightly. "Fiancee?"

* * *

Haruhi legs were burning. She didn't know how much longer she could run. She had made it downstairs, but no one seemed to be around to save her. The whore was hot on her trail and she didn't know what to do. Dipping around a corner, she crashed into something tall and firm. She gasped as the impact pushed her back towards the ground when two hands suddenly reached out to steady her.

"Haruhi." Two pairs of sourceless light gleamed.

"Eh..." She sped around the Shadow King. "I have to go!"

"HARUHI!" The mad woman cried from behind. She had to get away. There was a door up ahead! She didn't know what it led to but, she had to chance it. Taking the wooden handle, she swung it open.

"Haruhi!" The two, foamy, identical boys called simultaneously from the hot tub. "Are you going to join us?!"they asked in a low, seductive tone.

"NO!" She slammed the door and sped on down the hallway. That made three people trying to have sex with her, one trying to suck her financially dry, and one that needed... incredibly high maintenance... and living brain cells.

"HAAAARU-CHAN!" A dog's head poked out from behind the corner. "Want some cake?!"

"NO!"

"Ah?" A deeper voice.

"NO!"

"Haruhi! In here!" A long, slender arm suddenly lunged at her and before she could protest, she was being pulled into a laundry chute.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH..." Her screams blended with her captor's as they both tumbled down the chute, heads ocassionally bumping against the hard, metal walls. "... AHHHHH!" they finished, finally sprawling out into a pile of white cloth.

"Ow..." she mumbled, rubbing at her throbbing head. "Wh- why-" She was suddenly yanked away from the chute exit and the sound of screaming started up again.

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The hobbit squeed as he dived out of the chute on a silent Mori's back and into a bundle of sheets. A moment later the twins both tumbled out, eyes wild with excitement, yelling about how they wanted to "go again".

A blonde head suddenly popped out from under a table cloth, expression bright as usual. "All present?"

"Yes sir!" The twins saluted in unison.

"Ah."

"Present!" Hunny giggled.

"Here." Haruhi turned to see Kyouya leaning against the chute, flashlight in hand. Unlike the rest of the guys (and Kanako), he seemed to pass on Tamaki's latest "trend".

"Kyouya-senpai?" She stared up at him from her sprawled out position on a stained window curtain. "How did you get down here?"

"I have my ways." The boy shined the light down on her and she cringed. "You didn't expect me to use this chute did you? But if we're going to ask questions..." He smiled. "About those refreshment tables-"

"Silence!" Tamaki put in. He was standing upright now, eyes determined. "This is important!"

"Senpai!" She glared, brushing herself off as she stood. "Why did you pull me down a laundry chute?!"

"Huh?" He asked innocently. "To protect you from Kanako, of course."

"Weren't there better places?!" she growled. "And why were you even hiding in there?!"

"Listen Haruhi!" He changed the subject. "I just found out that Kanako has a fiancee who'll be going to college abroad next year!" His eyes were sparkling. "She's angry at him for leaving her alone and that's why she's been so-"

"You only just now discovered that, Tamaki?" Kyouya asked and Tamaki began to simmer.

"Shut up, Kyouya! You're such a know-it-all!"The blonde roared. "Oh, look at me! I'm Kyouya! And I'm so evil with my little book and I know everything about everyone and I won't even let my best friend share my kotatsu in the spring and..."

Haruhi heard Kyouya muttering something about immaturity and idiots under his breath.

"Senpai!" she interrupted his zany speech. "What were you saying?"

"... push up my glasses because I think it makes me look co-"

"Senpai!"

"Oh. Sorry, Haruhi." He grinned sheepishly. "Anyway, I've devised a plan!"

"A plan?"

"Yes!" he cried, an index finger shooting up to the basement ceiling. "You will dress up like a girl and seduce Kanako's fiancee!"

She blinked. That made no sense whatsoever. "That makes no sense whatsoever."

"It'll work!"

"No, it won't."

"It'll be fun then!" the twins sang mischievously.

"No, it won't."

"I'll forget about those refreshment tables."

...

Dammit.

* * *

It had been easy to find the amber colored halter dress what with all of the abandoned gowns lying around the palace. Honestly, Haruhi wondered why they hadn't just came naked. The twins had done her make up and put her in a heavy dark wig and impossibly high heels. She had to scale the wall just to make it to the broom closet where Tohru awaited her. She doubted this would work, but at least she was safe from Kanako in the meantime. Her fingers curled around the broom closet door knob and she stepped inside. For a moment, she thought that she had entered the wrong room, what with the fancy carpeting, bookcases, and kazoo, but there sitting on a sofa was the kind faced brunette that Tamaki had described. Taking notice of her presence, he turned around to greet her.

"Oh hey!" he grinned from ear to ear. "I heard you were looking for me."

"Er..." She glanced around nervously. Haruhi wasn't really used to this sort of thing. "Yeah, I was."

"I'm glad." He leaned forward on the sofa. "You're pretty hot."

She politely waited for him to turn her down for his fiancee.

"So..."

She blinked.

"...are we gonna do it or not?"

Haruhi gulped. Uh oh. She should have known. Tohru was a guy of course and as of now, all she had done was add to the growing list of people who wanted to have sex with her before the night was over. Thanks to the idiot king... "Eh..."

"Do you give head?"

Haruhi was slightly taken back by this. She knew the meaning, but no one had ever asked her so brazenly. "Uh... isn't Kanako your fiancee?"

He frowned, expression slightly irritated. "Yeah, so?"

"So..." She walked across the room and boldy sat across from him on the sofa, her hands folded. "I heard she was upset about you going off to college."

"Oh." He sighed and turned away. "Yeah. That's why she's been acting like a straight up whore... can we fuck now?"

"Uh... " She leaned back against the sofa arm. "I guess she thinks you're going to sleep with the girls in college."

"Hell yeah I am!" He slapped his knee and laughed brashly. "That is some_ fine_ American ass in Cali!"

Haruhi stared at him.

"What?"

"Nothing..." She stood up. "Forget it. I'm just gonna g-"

The door suddenly swung open to reveal a- surprisingly- clothed Kanako and a smug Tamaki. Kanako's eyes flitted back and forth between Haruhi and her fiancee. She drew in a deep breath before finally screaming, "What the fuck?!" With that, she darted away and sprinted down the hall.

"Wait!" Tohru was on his feet, legs carrying him as fast as they could out of the room. "Come back! I was drunk! I don't love that ugly bitch!"

"Hey!" Tamaki and Haruhi both cried in unison.

"She doesn't mean anything to me!" He was growing smaller and smaller. "I swear! I don't know what I was thinking talking to her short ass!" He finally vanished in a tiny blur. And then there was a silence. Haruhi eventually chose to break it.

"You're an idiot, senpai."

"He ran after her."

"... what does that even mean?"

"It's gonna work out!" he cried, leading his "daughter" up a flight of stairs and onto a crowded balcony. "Watch this! You'll see!"

_SLAP!_

Haruhi glanced down into the courtyard to see Tohru holding his cheek as an angry Kanako loomed over him. A flurry of cherry blossom petals seemed to get in his eyes and he was hissing in pain. "Ooooooh"s and "Damn!"s filled the atmosphere. The whole party was suddenly here watching them. What luck.

"Well, senpai?" Haruhi sighed. She could hear the twins laughing nearby. Kyouya let out a sigh that mirrored her own and Hunny was on the verge of tears. Mori was well... Mori.

"Eh... um... well..." Tamaki stuttered. She almost felt bad for him. It was a big almost.

"Kanako!" They all turned back to the courtyard at the sound of Tohru's voice. "What the hell did you do that for?!"

"You have to ask?!" Kanako bellowed in his face. "You're such an asshole! Ever since we were kids-"

"At least I'm not a dirty ho!"

"Shit head!"

"Whore!"

"Jackass!"

"Slut!"

And before their audience knew it, they had attacked each other... with their lips. Haruhi watched in shock, as they commenced to start an angry make out session in the courtyard. She couldn't believe it. Didn't these things only happen in movies?

"Ahhh!" Tamaki beamed. "So it did work out!"

"If you call that 'working out'" she groaned.

"Hey Tono!" Hikaru wrapped an arm around his king's left shoulder, Kaoru following suit on the right. "Is that really okay?" He pointed to the embraced couple. "Doesn't that completely go against what you told us earlier?"

"Well, yeah." He shrugged. "It's okay."

"Why?" they asked together.

"Because they're in love."

"If you call that 'love'" Haruhi muttered.

"And!" Tamaki suddenly threw his arms out dramatically, his voice ringing loudly. "This brings us to the end of our festivities! As you know," He turned to wink at a group of girls who then promptly fainted. ", last year we chose a special princess to receive a kiss from the host king himself!" With a dramatic spin, he gestured toward the courtyard. "This year, the lucky girl will be: Princess Kanako!"

"EEEEEEEE!" A chorus of girls cried.

"She's SO LUCKY!"

Haruhi shook her head. The reason why Kanako had suddenly become so lucky was lost on her. She watched as the girl seperated herself from her fiancee and made her way up the courtyard steps.

"Princess Kanako!" The Host King greeted her. "I-"

"Hell no!" Tohru was suddenly there, forming a barrier between his fiancee and the blonde. "I'm not letting her kiss _you!_"

The twins eyed each other mischievously. "Then maybe Haruhi-"

"No!" Tohru and Tamaki both snapped together.

"Look. Suou." Tohru lowered his voice. "I know you're a prude, but you're a cool guy so I'm gonna help you out."

Tamaki winced.

"There's this pretty cute chick I was gonna bang in the broom closet a little while ago." Haruhi suddenly felt a strong arm dragging her across the balcony floor. "But since me and Kanako got back together," He wrapped his free arm around Tamaki's shoulder. "I left her kind of horny." And with that, he pushed the two together by their necks. Which was pretty uncomfortable to say the least.

"Mmph!" Haruhi tried to cry out as her lips pressed against Tamaki's in an awkward, painful motion that was more of a bump than a kiss. The audience gasped and several customers began to murmur and gossip about this girl unknown. Recovering from brief shock, the two finally parted, clasping their palms against their lips. Haruhi thought she might need an ice pack, but she was otherwise okay. Tamaki, however, froze up and seemed to fall into a comatose state.

"Way to go, Tono!" The twins cheered, though it was more taunting than anything.

Kyouya merely turned a page in his black notebook and started to scribble something anew.

"Hm..." Hunny frowned. "I wonder if that was Haru-chan's first kiss..."

"WHAT?!" Tamaki suddenly sprang to life, the sound almost deafening her. He kneeled down at her side, eyes watery. Why was he the one crying?!

"Does it hurt, Haruhi?"

She glared at him.

"I'm sorry." he sobbed. "I didn't mean to take your first kiss."

She scoffed. "Who said that was my first kiss?"

"I-" he stammered. "It wasn't?"

"No." She frowned. "I had my first kiss in kindergarten."

He blinked.

"With another girl."

Double blink.

"It was in the coat closet." She explained casually. "We just thought, you know, why not?"

"Why... not?"

"Yeah, I mean... it's just a kiss, you know?"

Fortunately for Haruhi, Tamaki remained in a comatose state for the rest of the event. The twins continued to annoy her with invitations to the hot tub and Hunny offered her a plethora of cakes- all of which she had no interest in. But her debt remained untouched and Kanako stayed up on the roof with Tohru for the remainder of the party. So all in all, if she had to say: It was a good night.

* * *

NEXT CHAPTER: THE SECRET OF HARUHI'S VIRGINITY!

MAKE SURE TO READ! THERE WILL BE CAKE! IT IS **_NOT_ **A LIE!

* * *

End Note: Okay, so i read it and I didn't like it as much as when i wrote it... I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS! But whatever. Tell me how you like it. And remember to give **criticism** if you have it! Don't be afraid! **Or lazy** XD **REVIEW! **I dont say read and review here anymore because if you got this far, you obviously read it... **Silly** me... So yeah! Tell me what you liked! What you disliked! Please? Yeah! :D


	5. The Secret of Haruhi's Virginity GAAAME!

Drunken laughter filled the barren school corridors, bouncing off of the walls and echoing through empty classrooms. Of course, the remaining teachers thought nothing of it. These kids were dollars away from world domination. Who cared what these filthy rich bastards did in their spare time as long as they upheld the school's reputation?

And that mentality is the sole reason why no one had dared to poke their head into the Third Music Room that evening to see exactly what was going on. To the wild and cool types' dismay.

The two had to sit there and watch while their fellow club members made complete and utter fools of themselves. Not that they didn't do so on a daily basis. But this was a bit more than they were willing to handle.

"Kaoru!" Hikaru snorted, barely able to speak through his laughter, loud and high pitched like a hyena's. "Kaoru get the camera!"

"I don't-" Kaoru stopped to let out an equally aggravating cackle as he leaned into his brother. "I don't have a camera, Hikaru!"

"You guys are dumb asses!" the hobbit roared, something dark lurking behind his normally bright, innocent eyes. "Why am I surrounded by idiots?!"

"Here it is!" Kaoru held up a silver object, obviously pleased with himself.

"I'm surrounded by idiots." The hobbit repeated itself in a very Lion King/Scar-esque manner.

"That's a fucking tea pot, Kaoru!" Hikaru doubled over in laughter, his entire body trembling as Kaoru struggled to stay balanced against him. "You're just as drunk as Tono is!"

Giggling. "You guys are AWESOME!" A crimson red Tamaki gushed on his knees, his arms snaking around Mori's waist. "I love you guys SOOO much!"

"Ah?" Mori asked, blinking down at the intoxicated blonde. He was grinning like the idiot he was. Did Mori really have the heart to pry him away? He'd been hugging everyone in the past ten minutes. Including the twins, Mitsukuni, and random table legs.

Not far from the two, Haruhi was spacing out from her place on a sofa. She was incredibly drowsy. People on television acted like this was supposed to be so much fun. But all it had done was keep her bladder on full and make her increasingly sleepy. And she wasn't so sure if she trusted falling asleep here...

"HARUHIIIII!" Something suddenly flew into her, knocking her from the sofa. She tried to keep stable, but her balance was not what it was one hour ago and she toppled to the ground. Moaning, she realized that her back was still firmly pressed to the hard, cold floor. Why did_ he_ have to land on_ her_?!

"Senpai!" she begged, trying to squeeze out from under the blonde. Wait! Why was she smiling?! "Get up!"

"I LOVE MY DAUGHTER SO MUCH!"

"I have to go to the bathroom!" She giggled for no apparent reason.

"Get up, Tono!" Hikaru snickered from behind the sofa. "Before we have you arrested on molestation charges."

Haruhi sighed. She had to pee and she was going to die via bear hug. The aching feeling below her waist became more intense as Tamaki playfully nuzzled his head against her stomach. She squeezed her legs together, her more sober side attempting to suppress another nonsensical giggle.

"You smell like strawberries." Tamaki breathed softly.

She groaned in return.

How had she gotten into this mess in the first place?

Well, if you're curious...

* * *

Four hours ago...

* * *

School was over and the clock tower's chimes indicated that club activities were soon to begin.

"Let's go with Plan F today, Kaoru!" Hikaru was sitting down next to his younger twin at one of the many round, wooden tables inside of the Third Music Room.

"The one where you pour chocolate sauce all over my naked body and lick it off?" Kaoru's mischievous eyes darted to a rosy sofa nearby where the latest addition to the club sat skimming over a textbook. "That's just what I was thinking."

"Maybe we should ask Haruhi to join us." They both stared at her. She simply turned another page in her book. The girl wasn't biting. Leaning back in their chairs, they yawned, boredom slackening their features. What was the deal with her anyway? Why wasn't she a hormonal freak like the rest of the school's female population? It was like she didn't get excited over _anything_. But whatever. They supposed that was somewhat interesting in itself.

"Hika-chan! Kao-chan!" They turned to greet Hunny as he skipped in with his pink, stuffed rabbit, Mori following closely behind. Kyouya, of course, had been there before any of them had arrived, typing away about god-knows-what on his laptop in a corner of the room. Tamaki... Well, Tamaki was being himself. Which generally meant that he could be doing a number of insane, oddball things at the moment for equally insane, oddball reasons. Today, he was brooding upon a windowsill, the glass slightly cracked open. He lifted a smoking joint to his lips, inhaled, and gave quite possibly the most dramatic puff any of them had ever witnessed. It almost made marijuana seem magical. Almost.

"Is now really the time, Tamaki?" Kyouya's eyes never left the screen. "Do you want your customers seeing you like this?"

In response, Tamaki turned to stare forlornly out of the window. "It's going to rain soon."

The twins looked at each other.

"Tono is particularly emo today."

"He's being quiet."

"And making cryptic remarks."

"Let's explore this."

"Let's."

"Hey Tonooo" They were suddenly upon the Host King, devilish little smiles playing on their lips. "How's that non-smoking thing coming along?"

"For your information, assholes," Tono began. "This is just an experiment." He waved the joint in front of them and their noses wrinkled at the spicy odor. "This is yet another amazing commoner creation. Strawberry flavored."

"Right." They both rolled their eyes as he tried to contain his excitement behind thick, golden bangs.

"How come you've been so standoffish all day, Tono?" Kaoru asked.

"You haven't spazzed out or acted like a total queer once."

"And to be honest," they started in unison. "It's pretty scary."

Indeed it was a horrific day when their king did not behave like a complete idiot or a stereotypical, effeminate, flamboyantly homosexual male.

"Well, isn't it obvious?" Tamaki let out a deep, tortured sigh.

The twins stared at him blankly. "Not really."

"It's..." He trailed off. "It's about Haruhi."

"Oh." Their eyes widened slightly. "So you're finally admitting it then?"

"Good luck." Hikaru shrugged. "We've been trying to get at her for weeks."

"She's a total frigid-"

"What are you two devils going on about?" Tamaki was facing them directly now, the spark returning to his eyes. "This is an important matter!"

"What-"

"Haruhi had her first kiss already!" he whispered gruffly, leaning away from the window and forming a small huddle between the three of them. "And with a girl no less."

"So?"

"So the question remains." The blonde flicked a pointed index finger upwards. "Is she still a virgin?"

"But it was just a kiss, Tama-chan." The hobbit had squirmed his way into their tight circle. "That doesn't mean anything."

"And so what if it does?" Kaoru smirked tauntingly. "Not everyone can be a prude like you, Tono."

"I'm not a prude!" Tamaki whined, wetness forming at the base of his eyes. "I just have boundaries! Something you two obviously-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Hikaru teased. "You play like an afternoon special."

"SHUT-"

"I don't think you can judge Haru-chan based off of something she did in kindergarten, Tama-chan."

"That's right, Tono."

"Do you have any other proof?"

"Well," Tamaki cleared his throat and stared at them all, eyes solemn. "There_ is_ one thing."

"Yeah?" They all leaned in closer, ears perked up. Mori had poked his head in too. Perhaps out of concern for his cousin or maybe just because he was bored with life. Who knows?

"The other day..." Tamaki's eyes darted about suspiciously. "I saw Haruhi enter the girl's bathroom with..." He poked his head out of the huddle to make sure that Haruhi was still nose deep in her textbook. She was. "The other day, I saw Haruhi enter the girl's bathroom with... a _tampon_!"

The twins gasped in faux surprise. "Kaoru, a tampon!"

"No!" his brother gasped before falling into a fit of laughter. "What does that even mean, Tono?!"

"A tampon?" Hunny blinked. When it came to the female anatomy, he was pretty much at a loss.

"Tampons." An unfamiliar deep voice began. "Are painful."

Their pupils all slid to the right where Mori was huddled. He had spoken. Was applause in order?

Tamaki chose not to applaud. "Mori- senpai is right!" His eyes were aflame with an amethyst fire. "If Haruhi is using tampons instead of pads that must mean she's relatively comfortable with them! You twins sure are ignorant for two man-whores."

The twins gave him an irritated scowl. "Well, how do _you_ know, Tono?"

"I paid attention in Sex-Ed, you idiots!"

"Of course."

"Listen!" Tamaki growled. "If Haruhi is using tampons that could mean she's not a virgin!" He clamped a fist down on his palm. "It's up to us to uncover the truth!"

"I think Tono's been watching too much Scooby Doo again."

"But it should be pretty entertaining."

"Let's call it..."

"The WHOEVER-FIGURES-OUT-THE-SECRET-OF-HARUHI'S-VIRGINITY-BEFORE-THE-DAY-IS-OVER-WINS-GAAAAAME!" They finished simultaneously.

Tamaki grimaced. "Why does it have to be a competition? And what's with the long name?"

"Afraid you can't beat us, Tono?"

"I could beat you with my hands tied behind my back!"

"... are you willing to give us your word on that?"

"I never lie!"He slammed a palm down in the center of the group, nearly whacking the hobbit upside the head. "I'm in!"

"Alright!" The twins cheered victoriously, placing their palms on top of Tamaki's hand.

"Takashi and I are in too!" A determined Hunny joined in and Mori immediately followed suit.

Meanwhile, over on the rosy sofa, Haruhi was developing this sneaking suspicion that this was going to be a very _long_ day.

* * *

**The WHOEVER-FIGURES-OUT-THE-SECRET-OF-HARUHI'S-VIRGINITY-BEFORE-THE-DAY-IS-OVER-WINS-GAAAAAME! a.k.a WFOSHVBDOWG! Attempt #1

* * *

**

"So..." Haruhi sat upon yet another rosy sofa, this time behind the twins' notorious curtained area toward the back of the music room. She understood that this is where they usually took their customers. What she didn't understand is what exactly she was doing here. Especially when she was supposed to be attending to her guests. Kyouya would not be pleased. "Why did you guys bring me here?"

"Shhh." Hikaru had placed a finger over her lips. "Don't speak." He leaned over to fall closely beside her, the outline of his body pressing closely against hers.

She raised an eyebrow. And why the hell not?

Kaoru took the spot on her other side. "Don't be upset, Haru." he leaned down to whisper in her ear.

"We just want to play with you." Haruhi felt fingers toying with the buttons of her sky blue blazer.

"Hey, what are you guys doing?" she asked curiously, though not nearly as shocked as they would have expected.

"What does it look like?" Kaoru asked, breath warm against her ear.

"What does it feel like?"

Haruhi felt someone's hand sliding from her knee and massaging upwards toward her thigh.

"It feels kind of weird." She frowned, eying both of them. "Can I go back now?"

"Are you scared?" Kaoru asked, cradling her face in one hand, his thumb massaging gently at her cheek.

"This isn't your first time doing something like this, is it?" Hikaru was pulling her back against his torso.

"Huh?" Haruhi reached up to touch Kaoru's hand on her face. "Doing something like what? What exactly are you guys trying to do?"

Their scheme was weakening. Was she pulling a Tono on them?!

"Isn't it obvious?" Hikaru rested his chin on her shoulder from behind and whispered into her ear. "We're trying to have sex with you." he smirked, before running his tongue lightly over her ear with one slick swipe.

"Oh." Her eyes widened slightly. Very slightly. "In that case, I'm going back out."

"Huh?" It was the twins' turn to ask in unison as Haruhi suddenly stood to her feet, her fingers redoing the few buttons that they had managed to get loose. "But why?"

"Because I have customers." she explained as if it were plain to see why she was giving up on two of the most sought after guys in the entire school so that she could entertain her own sex.

"Haruhi," Hikaru stared thoughtfully up at the girl. "You really are a lesbo, aren't you?"

She scowled down at him. "Whoever said that? Just because I don't wanna screw you guys?"

"If you did..." Kaoru began.

"... you could tell the difference between us." Hikaru finished, an enticing gleam in his eyes. Haruhi just laughed in response, a loose fist covering her lips.

"We don't need to have sex for me to tell the difference between you guys."

And with that, she strolled out from behind the beige curtains and back towards her guests, leaving the two brothers in a thick silence.

"Hikaru?" Kaoru finally spoke up, his voice hopeful.

"No." His older brother uttered in a harsh, resolute tone. She hadn't meant it that way. She had only meant that she_ wouldn't_ have sex with them in order to tell the difference between them. Not that she actually _could_.

Right?

* * *

**The WHOEVER-FIGURES-OUT-THE-SECRET-OF-HARUHI'S-VIRGINITY-BEFORE-THE-DAY-IS-OVER-WINS-GAAAAAME! a.k.a The WFOSHVBDOWG! Attempt #2**

* * *

"Haruhi!" Haruhi inwardly groaned and prayed for an invisibility cloak as the Host King sauntered her way. God was not biting.

"Hey, senpai." She turned around in her small, wooden chair to greet him. This was the second time any of the hosts had interfered with her responsibilities today. What in the hell was going on? "Is it important? Another customer is coming in a few minutes."

"This will only take a few seconds, Haruhi!" Walking to the other side of the dark, mahogany table, he plopped down across from her. She noticed that his hands were suspiciously resting behind his back.

"Senpai-"

"Here!" He suddenly used his mouth to pluck a pink, folded sheet of paper from his blazer pocket. "This is a survey for my er... Culture class. It won't take long!" He spoke through clenched teeth, beaming brightly all the while.

Haruhi bit at her bottom lip. He smiled wider. She swallowed hard. His eyes grew one size larger. If she didn't take the survey, she supposed that he would keep that up until she caved in. Damn him. Taking a deep breath, she reached across the table to grab the paper. Pulling it closely to her face (She was still getting used to the contacts they'd given her on her first day), she pulled a pen from her own pocket and began to read.

**COMMONER SURVEY: FOR COMMONERS**

1. Are you a commoner/ poor/ destitute?

She suppressed the building anger in her chest, swallowed her pride for the sake of getting this over with and circled YES.

2. Do you live in a straw hut?

Haruhi blinked. She decided to go over the rest of the survey before she circled anything else.

3. Stick? Brick?

4. What foods do you prefer to pick out of dumpsters?

5. Have you had sex in the past five years?

Her eyebrows creased. Where did that come from?

6. Have you ever used a porto-potty? Was it super gross, Haruhi? Ew.

...

7. Can you grow your hair back? (Please?)

8. How many sexual partners have you had? Period? You can tell Daddy.

9. Can you possibly untie my hands afterwards? Rawr! Evil Twinz! D: (It is very hard to type like this.)

10. Virgin say WHAT?

11. Did your parents enjoy working in the homes of people more wealthy than they could ever dream of being? It must be very sad :(

12. How much firewood do you need to cook?

13. Do you have any sexually transmitted diseases? Crabs do apply.

14. Does my hair look good today? I mean better than usual.

15. When your mother was bathing you in an old, wooden bucket as a child, did she ever stop to tell you about the birds and the bees?

16. What is your current boyfriend's/girlfriend's name?

17. Does abstinence mean _anything _to you?

18. Where is the strangest place you've had sex?

19. Can you be nicer to Daddy? He thinks you have been a little cruel lately and it makes him sad. :( (Please?)

20. Sex?

The last part of the survey looked as if it had been hastily scribbled in barely legible writing rather than typed like the rest.

Bonus Question: What were you doing behind the curtain with those twinz?!

Haruhi peered up at her senior from behind the so called survey, hardly able to contain her temper. "Senpai?"

"Yes?" He was still beaming proudly, eyes twinkling like some sort of strange violet colored stars.

"This is stupid." she stated flatly before dropping the pink sheet onto the table.

"WHAT?!" Tamaki boomed, standing straight up from his chair. His arms trembled and fought against whatever was holding his wrists together. "THAT'S NOT FAIR HARUHI! I WORKED REALLY HARD ON THAT!"

She gazed up at him with blank, cold eyes. "If you worked so hard on _that_, maybe you need tutoring."

"But Haruhi!" He sniffed, tears gathering. "What about question 19?! Daddy-"

"You're not my father!" Haruhi scolded decisively. She stood from the table and started across the room "I'll take my next guests over here. Stay away from me, senpai."

She barely listened as began whimpering and retreated to a lonely corner of the room to smoke more commoners weed. Only then did he remember that his hands were tied and that he could not reach his dime bag. Hopeless and without marijuana, he fell into a loud crybaby state in which fangirls rushed over from every side to tend to him. Haruhi shook her head and turned to see Hunny skipping in her direction. She scowled. What were these lunatics up to today?

* * *

**The WHOEVER-FIGURES-OUT-THE-SECRET-OF-HARUHI'S-VIRGINITY-BEFORE-THE-DAY-IS-OVER-WINS-GAAAAAME! a.k.a The WFOSHVBDOWG! Attempt #3**

* * *

"Um..." Haruhi began as she clutched the soft material of the light pink bunny rabbit themed sleeping bag to her chest. "What am I doing here again?" It was not just her sleeping bag that was pink. Mori had a pink bunny rabbit themed sleeping bag as well. His was slightly too small for his tall build so he had to crunch his knees up toward his chest. He wore a matching pink bunny hat with white ears springing up from the top. It would have been somewhat cute if it hadn't been for his lackluster expression. The glistening curtained canopy bed that Hunny sat upon was also pink. The covers, the sheets, the pillows, the comforter. Even the wood had been spray painted pink. Hell, the entire room was pink! Haruhi thought her eyes might start bleeding.

"Welcome to my Usa-Chan SLUMBER PARTY!" Hunny announced, waving the stuffed bunny over his head. "YAAAY!"

"Slumber party?" Haruhi frowned up at him from her place on the predictably pink floor beside Mori. "Isn't it a little too early?"

"It's never too early for a slumber party, Haru-chan!"

"Well, why are we the only ones here?"

"It's a_ special _party!"

"Then how did this room get here?"

"EHEH!" Hunny squeed joyously and Mori smiled. "Let's have girl time, Haru-chan!"

"Girl time?" She sighed as Hunny slid down to the foot of the bed, closest to them.

"Let's tell each other secrets!" the hobbit bobbed up and down excitedly. "And make each other up!" He pulled a make up kit from under the canopy bed.

"Eh..."

"Was it tested on animals..." Mori stared at the kit. "... Mitsukuni?"

"Of course not, Takashi. I made sure just for you!"

"Mitsukuni." Mori smiled again.

"Takashi." Hunny beamed.

"..." Haruhi blinked.

"HARU-CHAN!" She nearly screamed when Hunny suddenly hopped onto her lap. "I'm gonna ask a question and you have to answer it completely honest, okay?!"

"Hunny-sen-"

"First question!" The senior smiled innocently up at her. "What's the naughtiest thing you've ever done?!"

"Naughtiest?" Haruhi lifted a finger to her bottom lip in thought, her gaze rolling upward at nothing in particular. "Well..."

"Mmmhmmm?!" Hunny stared, his eyes wide with anticipation.

Mori cocked his head to listen closely, bunny hat sliding to the left.

"Probably..." She slammed a fist down into her palm. "Probably when I stole that tuna fish from the market."

Something inside of Hunny deflated. "Huh?"

"I was only three." She let out that small, cute laughter reserved for the rare moments when she wasn't completely annoyed with her schoolmates. "I didn't know any better. Mom had been saying she wanted some. So I thought I could just take it."

Hunny and Mori stared blankly at her.

"What?" She frowned. "She made me put it back."

"Er..."

"I was a little upset. I really wanted to taste it."

"Haru-chan?"

"It was a really big one too." She unconsciously licked her lips. "But mom made a really great dinner that night anyway."

"Is that_ really _the naughtiest thing you've ever done?"

"Hm?" Her eyes darted from one cousin to the other. "Did you mean it in a different way?"

"Haruhi." The door opened and she turned to see the Shadow King standing there, notebook in hand. Was he writing a novel? Practicing for next month's big art competition? Or did he scribble in it just to look cool?

"Kyouya-senpai!" Haruhi tossed the bunny sprinkled covers to the side and stood up to step out from the sleeping bag. She sincerely hoped that she had done nothing to raise her debt.

"You haven't done anything to raise your debt." He used his middle finger to position his glasses. A nervous habit? A subtle way to flip people off? Yet another world wonder. "But you have another guest. You shouldn't make her wait any longer."

Haruhi gasped. How had he done that?

Yes, Ootori Kyouya has the uncanny ability to read minds. Occasionally. But cut him some slack. God didn't have the heart to _completely_ fuck him over.

"Right." Haruhi started toward the exit, thankful to leave the pink dimension behind. "Sorry, Hunny-senpai!" she called back, her voice apologetic, before disappearing behind Kyouya.

Hunny's bottom lip quivered. "We lost the game, Takashi!" he whined. "Why did Haru-chan have to have customers?!"

"Shhh. Mitsukuni." Mori pulled his cousin close. "_We_ don't have customers."

A slow smile curved around Hunny's lips.

* * *

One hour later...

* * *

It was nearing the end of the club's activities and they still hadn't managed to get anything but attitude and bad interpretations from their (arguably) most feminine member.

"Argh!" Tamaki gritted his teeth together, fingers grasping fistfuls of golden tresses at a time. "This isn't working!" He turned to the rest of the game's participants, leaving Kyouya and Haruhi to escort the remaining customers from the music room. "She keeps avoiding me!"

"She misunderstands everything I say!" A teary eyed Hunny whined as he nibbled on a silver, chocolate covered fork. "And Takashi is getting a headache!"

"Ow." Mori uttered as the hobbit climbed up on a table top to pat its cousin's head.

"You're just doing it wrong." The twins smirked together, their amber eyes dancing with mischief.

"Huh?" Tamaki turned to scowl at them. "You mean she told _you_?!"

"Not yet." Kaoru sighed, throwing his hands up in despair.

"But this next plan is foolproof."

"What kind of plan?"

"Hey Haruhi!" Ignoring the blonde, Hikaru rushed toward the girl. "Stay after for a bit!"

They could hear her groaning from across the room. "Why?"

"It's a surprise." Kaoru lightly shoved Tamaki in the side. "Right , Tono?"

"Eh..." The Host King eyed the two suspiciously before reluctantly agreeing. "Right."

"Right!" Hunny added with a giggle.

"Ah."

Kyouya's pen made barely noticeable scratching noises against the notebook paper.

Haruhi's palm made a soft, clapping sound as it smacked against her forehead. "Fine."

* * *

**The WHOEVER-FIGURES-OUT-THE-SECRET-OF-HARUHI'S-VIRGINITY-BEFORE-THE-DAY-IS-OVER-WINS-GAAAAAME! a.k.a The WFOSHVBDOWG: GROUP ATTEMPT**

* * *

"Beer?" She raised an eyebrow. "You asked me to stay behind so I could drink with you?"

The twins and Hunny nodded rapidly. Tamaki was fuming. Mori was.

Haruhi made a face. "Why would I want to do that?"

"YEAH!" Tamaki barged into the conversation, fire in his eyes. "WHY WOULD SHE?!"

"Isn't five in the evening too early for that?"

"YEAH!" he raged on.

"And I don't drink anyway."

"I'M SO PROUD, HARUHI!"

"Don't touch me, senpai." She rolled her eyes as he rushed to his brooding corner to be emo. "You guys have been up to something all day. I should have known-"

"Come on! It'll be fun!" Hikaru coaxed, his arm resting on Haruhi's shoulder. "Don't be a such a lame."

Her fists clenched tightly at her sides. She didn't need peer pressure from these two of all people. "I'm not-"

"Just one can, Haru-chan?" Hunny batted a pair of big, brown eyes up at her. "You can wash it down with this cake!"

"And ootoro." Mori let up off the mute button, producing a tray of fatty tuna from seemingly nowhere.

"Ootoro?" Haruhi blinked. "Well," She started to reach for the tray. "Maybe I'll just have the ootoro without-"

"Ah, ah, ah." Hikaru wagged a finger in front of her face. "You have to drink with us first."

"Enough!" Suddenly Tamaki had broken between them, his hands clutching both twins by the collar. "I refuse to get my daughter drunk all for the purpose of some silly game!" he whispered harshly.

"But Tono." Kaoru grinned up at the boy.

"Don't you want to know if Haruhi's a virgin or not?"

"Well..." The flames in his eyes dampened a bit. "Yeah, but-"

"This is the only way."

"And besides."

They both motioned toward a yellowish brown plastic bag on the ground. "We had this delivered just for you."

"Hm?" Loosening his grip, he bent down to survey the package, slender fingers pulling back the plastic. It reminded him of the bags Haruhi brought commoner coffee in with. But this time, whatever was inside was large and heavy. His eyes widened upon contact with the white and blue boxes, his hands shaking. "B- B-"

The twins shot each other smug looks. Target captured.

"BUD LIGHT?!"

"Yeah!" The twins cheered in unison.

"THIS IS COMMONER BEER!"

"YEAH!"

"Kyouya, this is COMMONER BEER!"

"Yeah..." Kyouya continued writing whatever he wrote in that notebook.

"Oh, Haruhi!" Tamaki's eyes shot upwards and Haruhi knew she was in trouble. "We have to try this!"

She glared at her self proclaimed "father". What happened to his _pride_?

"She will if she wants these." Hikaru motioned toward the ootoro.

"And the cake." Hunny put in.

"Ah."

"You never got to try this type of ootoro." Tamaki joined them now, expression uncharacteristically dark. It was kind of creepy. "Did you, Haruhi?"

Haruhi averted her gaze to Kyouya for help. He just kept writing. The bastard.

"I hate you all."

"That's great." Kaoru was already digging into a twelve pack. "Now try this." He shoved a blue can into her hands.

"Er..." Leaning back onto one of the many music room sofas, she reached up to flick the cap back. Everything would be fine. She would just have this one before going home. Just this one. That's what she told herself. Taking a deep breath, she snapped it open, took a small sip... and immediately gagged.

"UGH!" She coughed, hand flying to her lips. It felt like poison going down, strong and bitter. "This is nasty!"

"Well, duh, Haruhi." Kaoru fell down beside her with his own can, eyes taunting. "No one said it was gonna taste like strawberries."

"We don't drink it for the taste."

"Want me to hold your nose, Haru-chan?!"

"No!" She batted the hobbits hand away. "I can't-"

"Here." Mori settled down upon the sofa arm beside her. "Eat this."

Still grimacing, she took a piece of pinkish fish from the tray and nibbled on it. Her eyes suddenly darkened with pleasure. It was _so_ gooood.

"Haruhi!" Tamaki was seated before her now, legs folded under him. "I don't know what you're talking about! This commoner beer is refreshingly disgusting and surprisingly hard to get down!"

Haruhi frowned from somewhere inside of her ootoro induced haze. He was ruining her high with his stupidity again.

"Drink more, Haruhi!" The twins prompted and she took another sip just to shut them up.

"Ew..." She stuck her tongue out. This was gross! Why was her father always guzzling it?

"Stop being such a baby, Haruhi." Hikaru took the can and forced it against her lips. "Drink it!"

"Hika- mmmpph!"

"Just do it!"

"MMMMPH!" Her stomach lurched as the liquid filled her mouth.

"RELEASE MY DAUGHTER!" Hikaru was suddenly being dragged away by the neck.

"You idiots!"

She forcibly gulped the offending liquid down before sighing in relief. For once, the eccentric king had done something smart. "Thanks, senp-"

"You're not doing it right!" He snatched the can away from Hikaru.

"Huh? Mmmmph!" She struggled once again.

"Stop-" Tamaki dodged a kick. "-fighting daddy, Haruhi!"

She kept her lips tightly pursed as the brownish substance seeped into the corners of her mouth.

"After a while, you won't be able to-" He ducked when she swatted at his head. "-taste anymore-" Dodge. "- anyway!" Duck. "If you would just-" Duck. Dodge. Duck. "- stop stru- OUCH!"

She finally caught him upside the temple and he backed away, cradling his head.

"I'll drink it!" she growled at them all before Hunny could lunge forward. "I'll fucking drink it!"

"Haruhi!" Tamaki looked up to gasp at the offending word.

"Ah..." Hikaru was balancing her can in his hand. "You're almost done, Haru!"

Thank God. She chomped down on another piece of ootoro. Dammit. Tamaki had been right. She _was_ starting to lose her sense of taste. Wasn't this dangerous?

"Hey Haru!" The twins called together. "Let's play a game!"

"Hm?" She blinked. "A game?"

"Yeah!" They grinned widely. "It's called I Never!"

"I Never?" _I should probably go home. I can't taste anything anyway. And these guys are already weird enough. I don't want to imagine what alcohol does to them. Yeah. I should go home._ At least that's what her rational side was thinking. But there was this new side that was slowly growing in her head. She didn't know when it had gotten there or why exactly but it was saying: _This chair. Sofa. Lol. Is really pretty. I should probably stay here with this sofa. Why did I not notice how pretty it was before? It's all red and comfortable. And stuff. Can I take it home? Probably not. I should stay here I guess. _

"We each have to say something that we've never done before." Kaoru began.

"And if you_ have _done it, you have to drink."

"Get it?" They asked together.

_That's stupid_, said her rational side. "Whatever." she shrugged nonchalantly. She guessed it wouldn't hurt to play. And besides killing her taste buds, the beer didn't really seem to be doing anything to her. Though she was feeling slightly happier than usual... She took another sip, finally finishing her first can.

"Great!" They announced. "Whose game?!"

"I'm game!" Hunny squealed before reaching into the box and handing her another beer. How sweet and considerate of him. It was obvious that his intentions were completely pure and true...

"I'll watch." Mori hadn't bothered to take a can for himself.

"Kyouya-senpai?"

"You expect me to drink that?" Kyouya was sitting at a small table close by, his eyes focused on his laptop screen.

"You can still play."

"With water!"

"I rather not."

"Party pooper."

Typing.

"Tono!"

"We kind of need you if this is going to work in our favor." Hikaru explained.

"You're the only one who can say anything useful."

"I know you're kind of wary because of last time but-"

"What are you guys talking about?" Tamaki laughed from his place on the ground, two cans in hand. "I LOVE THIS GAME!"

"Eh..." They stared down at him. "You do?"

"YEAH!" he gushed, his cheeks growing pinker by the second.

"Ah..." They'd forgotten just how quickly their president's bloodstream seemed to absorb alcohol. It might have been pathetic... But it made for excellent entertainment. And manipulation.

"Let's start then!" Everyone was sitting in a tiny circle now save for Mori and Kyouya. Hikaru, Kaoru, and Haruhi on the sofa, while Hunny and Tamaki had pulled two chairs forward.

"I'll go first!" Hunny declared, tone bubbly as ever. They all beamed in anticipation, awaiting his trick question. Well, it wasn't exactly clear what Tamaki was beaming about or whether he actually remembered the _original _game at all. Right now, he just liked to beam.

"I never..."

The twins leaned in, curiosity gleaming in their eyes.

"I never went a day without cake."

They groaned. "Hunny-senpai!"

"Not even when I was a baby!" Hunny boasted with pride. "Right, Takashi?!"

"Ah."

"That's really silly." Haruhi drank and let out a little 'teehee'.

The twins drank, shooting disdainful looks at Hunny all the while.

"OH MY GOD!" Tamaki affectionately patted his senior on the head. "THAT'S SO COOL, HUNNY-SENPAI!"

"Tono!"

"Huh?"He turned dreamy violet eyes on them.

"Drink."

"Kay..." Tamaki leaned in to whisper to the hobbit. "They're just jealous."

"I know, Tama-chan."

"My turn!" Hikaru grinned deviously. "I've never fucked a guy!"

Tamaki drank and they all turned to stare at him.

"You've been doing guys, Tono?"

Mori had always thought so.

Kyouya's eyes slid sideways at his best friend before flitting back to his laptop.

"Huh?" Tamaki's eyes widened. "No!"

"Then why did you drink?"

The Host King looked down at the can and back up. "I don't know."

They face palmed.

Hunny drank.

Then all eyes were on Haruhi.

"You guys?" she asked.

"Yeah?"

"I really..."

"Yeah?!"

"Have to go to the bathroom."

"Ah..." They watched as she sauntered off toward the back of the room.

Two minutes later...

"I never... I never..." Kaoru frowned. "Crap. What haven't I done?"

Hikaru was in agreement with his brother. He couldn't think of anything either. "Skip you." He turned to the idiot smiling across from them. "Tono."

"I never-"

"Make it good, Tono."

"Shut up!" The blonde whined, tears brimming at the corners of his eyes. "It's _my_ turn!"

"Ju-"

"Shhhhh!"

"Make sure-"

"SHHHHH!"

They sighed. "You're drunk." Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

"Am not!" he argued, leaning over on Hunny's shoulder. "I am _so_ cool."

"Just go."

"Kay." He rocked back and forth, arms folded over his knees. "I... I never had a bad hair day in my life."

The twins glowered at him. Dumbass.

Hunny drank.

"Haruhi." Tamaki had bridged the space between his chair and the couch. "You're not drinking."

She scowled in his smiling face. Tipsy or not, he was still an offensive, bothersome asshole. Sighing, she took another drink from the can. What had began as small sips were getting bigger and bigger...

"Yay! My turn again!" Hunny wiggled in his seat. Haruhi didn't really seem to care that she'd just been skipped as she examined the sofa closely. "I never..."

The twins begged him with their eyes.

"I never had sex with a girl."

"YES!" They high-fived each other.

"Mmm..." Haruhi moved about uncomfortably.

"What's wrong, Haru?" Hikaru leaned into her.

"You aren't hiding anything, are you?" Kaoru's eyes glinted maliciously.

"No, it's just..." She wriggled some more. "I have to go back to the bathroom."

"..."

Thirty minutes later...

Times were becoming hard. And that was why the Hitachiin twins had, in a desperate attempt, resorted to lying.

"I never had sex." The words rolled easily from Hikaru's lips. Tamaki scoffed.

"You're a damn lie." The blonde challenged.

"Shhhh!"

"You're lying!"

"Shut up, Tono!" Kaoru hissed.

"Don't drink!" Tamaki warned his fellow members. "He's obviously-" Before he could finish, Hikaru had given him a well placed kick in the shins.

"SHIT!" Tamaki doubled over, hands clutching the wounded area. "What the _hell _did you do that for?!"

"AWWW! TAMA-CHAN!" Hunny tried to massage at the leg as Tamaki rolled on the music room floor, howling in pain.

Haruhi rolled her eyes. This was_ really _mature.

"We wouldn't have to do things like that, if you played right, Tono!"

"Wh-what do you mean?" he looked up at them, eyes glazed over with tears.

"You know." Kaoru leaned down to whisper in his ear. "The game."

"The game?" His brow wrinkled.

"The virginity game?" Hikaru slipped into the huddle. "About Haruhi?"

"The Haruhi Virginity game?" they whispered together.

"Oh..." His eyes widened. "THE WHOEVER-FIGURES-OUT-THE-SECRET-OF-HARUHI'S-VIRGINITY-BEFORE-THE-DAY-IS-OVER-WINS-GAAAAAME!"

Their jaws dropped to the ground. Had he just screamed that to the entire room?

"Haruhi!" Kaoru spun around. "It's not-"

Her seat was empty.

"Bathroom." Mori explained.

"Right..."

Two minutes later...

"I never..." Tamaki paused, a finger twirling about his golden strands. "I never-"

"Tono never had sex." The twins finished for him.

"Hey!"

Haruhi calmly waited for him to deny this outrageous claim. Surely, the host king had countless notches under his belt. The girls were always going on about how gently yet sensually he handled them. How softly he whispered in their ears. He was probably a slut just like the twins. He just kept it under better wraps. Her features creased when he didn't do anything but whine and grumble inaudibly at the music room floor.

"Senpai?"

He slowly lifted his gaze to look at her, head resting on his knees. "Hm?"

"You're a _virgin_?" she asked, her eyes wide with disbelief. The twins chortled.

"Y-yeah" he stammered, the crimson color in his cheeks darkening considerably. Was his daughter going to judge him too? Suddenly, he was very much aware of his surroundings again. Even if only for the moment. "What of it?"

"Well," she started, eyes still wide. "I think that's really..."

He braced himself for the string of 'prude's and other insulting words. Was it really so bad that he had mora-

"I think that's really admirable." A soft smile spread over her lips.

"_What_?" The twins snapped.

Tamaki's head popped back up from the sanctuary he'd taken behind his knees. "You... You do?"

"Yeah." She kept smiling. He looked so... stupid. Her rational side was fighting to remind her of why this was a bad thing. Her not so rational side was continuously singing 'London Bridges' in the back of her head.

Tamaki had deepened to a stark shade of tomato. No one had ever responded like that before. He let his hair fall over his eyes, burying the rest of his reddish face behind his knees again.

The twins groaned in irritation. "Haruhi, are you gonna drink or no-"

"Bathroom!" They watched as she sped off in the opposite direction.

"Dammit!" Kaoru cursed, huddling in with the other three. "It's unclear whether the subject is actually a virgin or not!"

Hikaru nodded, eyes determined. "Judging from her response to Tono's prudish ways (Tamaki flinched.) she thinks it's okay to be a virgin at her age..."

"But," Hunny put in, his expression scarily shrewd and calculating. "Did she react that way because she herself is a virgin or because she wishes she had kept her virginity? Takashi?"

"Ah."

"Kyouya-senpai?"

"You guys need a hobby."

"Tono?"

Tamaki was still hiding behind his knees, arms hugging them tightly. "Haruhi..." He lifted a hand to bite lightly at his thumb. "Haruhi thinks I'm admirable."

Hikaru swatted the blonde upside the head and made a buzzing sound. "Try again!"

"Don't be such an idiot, Tama-chan!"

"HUH?!" They all turned to stare at Hunny. That's right. They'd forgotten what alcohol did to the hobbit. And he had such a small frame too. Of course it was going to spread quickly...

"You guys..." They turned to see that Haruhi had entered the room again, her steps less graceful than usual. Not that they were all that graceful in the first place.

"Haruhi?"

"Haru-chan!"

"Are you ready to start playing again?"

"Hm..." She crossed her arms, head tilted to the side. "No. This game is kind of stupid."

They all groaned in defeat with the exception of Tamaki who had been twirling absentmindedly at one of the blonde locks covering his eyes.

"But have you guys ever thought about it?" Haruhi was surveying the furniture in the room.

"Huh?"

"If we stacked all of these on top of each other..."

Their eyes twitched.

"... we could make a pretty big tower." She giggled. "Don't you think?"

"I think so, Haruhi." Tamaki raised a shy hand before being pulled back into the huddle.

"Haruhi is totally gone." Hikaru's eyes were completely serious.

"She has a small frame too." Kaoru cut in.

"We should have gotten it out of her earlier!" Hunny glared at them all.

"Well, we could have," Hikaru gritted his teeth. "If Tono hadn't have been acting so stupid."

"Tono, what do you have to say for yourself?"

Tamaki's eyes were fixed on his daughter as she ran her hands over several pieces of furniture. "Huh?" He spun around. "Were you guys saying something?"

"..."

"Can I go now?" He pointed toward the girl. "I want to build towers with Haruhi!"

"Hey!" Hikaru pulled back and suddenly bellowed to the entire room, the glint in his eyes maniacal. "Let's finish the game!"

"Let's!" Kaoru mirrored his brothers'demonic expression.

Haruhi frowned. "But I don't-"

"You don't have to play, Haruhi."

"Mitsukuni." Mori warned as his cousin's eyes caught a similar glint. "Revenge is not a top priority of the Haninozuka family."

Hunny turned innocent eyes on him. "What are you talking about, Takashi?!" Revenge was sweet. Like cake!

"Tono, you just have to drink, okay?"

Tamaki's eyes darted from one twin to the other. "Kay." he finally said, all caution resting at the bottom of the school pond by now.

Hikaru smirked. "I never lived in France."

Tamaki drank.

"I never was the principal's son." Kaoru added.

Tamaki drank again.

"I never smoked commoner's weed." Hunny offered.

Tamaki drank for a third time. And the list went on.

"I never was a blonde."

"I never had purple eyes."

"I never fathered a child."

"I never never had sex."

"I never had a female dog."

"I never believed that ninjas were out to get me."

"I never used a kotatsu."

"I never act like drag queen... Drink, Tono."

"I never spy on commoners."

"I never thought Haruhi was a boy for more than thirty minutes."

Kyouya sighed. He would have to break this up eventually.

Mori shook his head. His lover was cruel one.

Haruhi casually watched them from the rosy sofa, sipping at a new can and munching on the ootoro that she couldn't taste anymore.

* * *

And that's how it happened. It took fifteen pages to recount the tale, but that's how most of the Host Club ended up piss drunk that Monday evening. Now on with the story...

* * *

"Senpai!" Haruhi succumbed to a fit of giggles, hands prodding at the blonde head resting upon her stomach. "I'll pee on you if you don't move!"

Hikaru and Kaoru took turns kicking at Tamaki. Kaoru often missed. "Get up, Tono!"

"Tamaki." Mori intervened. "Let her go to the bathroom."

For whatever reason, his words reached the Host King and he reluctantly scooted away leaving Haruhi to make a mad dash to the rest room. She tripped twice on her way there and almost collided with a pillar.

"I'm okay!" she called back, her voice light and on the verge of laughter.

"I looooove yoooou!" Tamaki waved, although he couldn't see her when she was spinning like that. It was like the floor was moving underneath her. "How is she doing that?" he asked the twins. "So cool!"

Hikaru snickered.

"Did I tell you guys," Tamaki reached out to take both twins' hands. "how much I love you?"

Kaoru let out another hyena worthy cackle and fell over on Hikaru.

"Yeah, Tono." Hikaru steadied his brother. "Ten times."

"Oh." The blonde sounded disappointed as he crawled over to where Hunny was glooming. "Hunny-senpai!" He moved in for the glompage. "Did I-"

"Drop dead." Hunny growled in his direction and he scampered away.

"WAAAAH!" He pouted and stomped his foot. "SENPAI IS MEAN!"

Hunny just bared his teeth.

"KYOUYA!" Kyouya stiffened as two arms cuddled his waist from behind. Dammit. And he had done such a good job being invisible up until now...

"Tamaki-" He groaned as the blonde rested his chin on his shoulder and began to snuggle against the other boy's cheek.

"Mo-om?"

"What?" Kyouya grumbled, quickly pressing a few keys on his laptop. Why did he insist on calling him that? It was extremely irritating for a variety of different reasons.

"Why did you take the commoner beer away?" Tamaki whined.

"Because you're drunk, Tamaki." The darker haired boy explained. "You didn't need anymore."

"I am_ not_ drunk!" He turned to see Haruhi entering the room again. "Haruhi, am I drunk?!"

Haruhi giggled. "What?"

"SEE?!"

"That wasn't a 'yes'." Kyouya frowned. "And she's pretty gone herself."

"Kyouya, did I tell you how much I love you?"

"... no."

"Kyouya..."

Kyouya waited for his best friend to keep babbling on meaninglessly, but nothing came. "Tamaki?"

"Kyouya... what are you..." The blonde trailed off. Kyouya glanced back to see him staring intently at something on the computer screen and his eyes widened slightly.

_CLICK._

He slammed the Pineapple shut before turning back to survey the boy. Something strange flickered through Tamaki's eyes and he reached up to scratch at his bangs.

"What is it?" Kyouya asked, his tone challenging.

Tamaki just stared blankly at the floor, unsure of how to feel. He was supposed to be upset. Sad. Maybe angry. There was something very wrong. But whatever it was, his brain was swimming too deep in alcohol to register it.

"Tono?" Hikaru was asking from across the room. "Are you okay?"

"Hm?" Haruhi glanced up from her sofa. She had been making a pillow fort. "Senpai?" He seemed troubled.

"Tama-chan?" Hunny had started toward the boy, the twins and Mori at his sides. "What's wrong? Spit it out already!"

"I don't know." Tamaki sat down in the chair across from Kyouya, arms cradling his stomach. "But I... I feel _really_ sick."

Hikaru frowned. "Uh oh..." Maybe they_ had_ gone too far.

Tamaki moaned, tears flooding into the corners of his eyes. Haruhi felt a twinge beneath her waist. "I have to go to the bathroom..." they breathed in unison.

* * *

_Plop!_

Haruhi grimaced. She was getting deja vu. The twins had no right to force her into monitoring him. Just because they'd had to use the bathroom at the same time!

"I'm gonna_ die_!" More crying.

"You aren't gonna die, senpai." Haruhi massaged at the sweaty, blonde head as it hovered over the toilet bowl. He was so pale. And he'd been vomiting for a while now. She frowned worriedly. "He's not really going to die, Hikaru?"

"Nah." Hikaru called from the sink where he was gathering several white cloths. "Kaoru was like that the first time too. He just feels like his insides are tearing apart."

"A-" Haruhi swallowed hard. "Am I-"

"Nah." Hikaru chuckled. "You actually take it pretty well, Haru."

The girl sighed in relief. There was nothing much to giggle about anymore. Although, she still felt strange. As if she were walking on air in an echo filled vacuum. As if everything she touched was faraway and surreal.

"Ugh..." Tamaki moaned through convulsions. She randomly wondered why there was no smell. "Tell everyone I'm _really _sorry."

"Hey!" Hikaru slapped him over the head with one of the cloths before using it to clean the sweat from his brow. "Shut up. It's not that serious!"

More moaning.

Haruhi sighed. "I'm going to go get some water. I'll be right back-"

"No!" She felt a hand grip her by the wrist. "Don't go, Haruhi."

"Eh... Senpai..."

"Haruhi..." he breathed into the toilet. "I'm sorry."

She stared down at him blankly. "You're not gonna die, senp-"

"No.." Convulsing. "No. I'm sorry about the game."

Hikaru froze up. "Tono-"

"It was really stupid."

"The game?" Haruhi blinked. "You mean I Never? That was the twins-"

"No..." He whined. "I mean the other one."

"Eheheheh!" Hikaru was suddenly laughing. Taking Haruhi by the shoulders, he gave her a sharp push toward the stall door. "I'll take care of him. Just go get your water, Haru-"

"Don't leave me!"

Haruhi winced. His grip was unrelenting. She looked up at Hikaru, her eyebrows wrinkling. "What game is he talking about?"

"Ah..."

"It was about you." Tamaki explained, his breathing heavy. "That's why we were drinking."

Her eye twitched. "About me?"

"I'm so sorry, Haruhiii" he cried. "I never should have listened to those evil twins and endangered you like that. I'm a terrible father!"

As he fell into a fit of sobs, she slowly averted her gaze to stare accusingly at Hikaru. "I _knew_ you were up to something." Her eyes settled on the back, right corner. "You too, Kaoru."

"Eheheh..." The other twin stumbled out from his hiding spot behind a changing curtain.

"WAAAAH!" The hobbit suddenly burst into the room followed by Mori. "I WAS IN ON IT TOO, HARU-CHAN!"

Haruhi sighed. Cradling the wailing senior in her arms, she looked up to stare blankly at the rest of them. "What exactly were you guys trying to do?"

Hikaru scratched at the back of his head. Leave it up to Tono to ruin the game completely. If he was careful about his wording, they wouldn't have to explain and they could keep playing. "Well-"

"Haruhi." Kyouya had stepped into the stall, a finger reaching toward his glasses. "Are you a virgin?"

"Huh?" Her delicate features twisted in surprise. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"It's an easy question." He frowned, eyes unseeable beneath the glass. "And we aren't going to tell anyone."

"Well, yeah I am." she admitted, a barely noticeable blush on her cheeks. "But why did you ask? Do I have to take a health exam to be in the club or something?"

"Well, boys." A rare, but half smile graced the Shadow King's lips. "Looks like I won."

"NO WAY!" The twins yelled. "That isn't fair, Kyouya-senpai!"

"You can't just _ask_!" Hunny whined loudly.

"Kyouya..." Tamaki muttered something from the toilet that sounded a lot like "You bastard."

"It doesn't count anyway!" Hikaru argued. "He wasn't even playing!"

"Settle down." Kyouya's face was set in its usual expressionless stone, the smile long gone. Perhaps it would peek out again in another four hundred years. "What matters is that this silly game is over."

Haruhi was fuming from her spot beside Tamaki. "Th-that was it? That was the game?"

"Ha-" Tamaki blubbered. "Haruhi-"

"Shut up, senpai."

A silence swept through the room and the guys all took turns shooting nervous glances at the now considerably darkened Haruhi.

She finally let out a deep sigh. "Just... you guys get out."

"Haru-cha-"

"Go."

"Geez..." Hikaru rolled his eyes as he left, hands clasped at the back of his head.

"Someone can't take a joke."

"Remember to flush when you're done, Tamaki."

"Haru-chan is mad at us, Usa-chan!"

"Ah."

Haruhi watched in disbelief as they filed out in a straight line. The nerve of these guys! And to think she played right into it! She reached up to massage at her temple. She was getting a massive headache and she wasn't sure if it was due to their zany antics or the effects of the alcohol wearing off. Maybe both. Kneeling down beside the stool, she let out a deep breath.

"Haruhi?" Tamaki suddenly asked. "I tried but I... can't stand up... so... do I have to-"

"No, senpai." She leaned back against the wall- knees up, legs open in a very unladylike manner- to stare at the mess before her. "Why do you do things like this?"

It took a moment for him to respond. "What?"

"Why do you drink? And smoke?" Unlike the rest of the members, these things always seemed to end up causing him more trouble than they were worth. Whether it be situations like this or coughing attacks.

"I don't usually." He convulsed again, but nothing seemed to come up anymore. "Just... commoner's stuff..."

"Right. But like..." She massaged deeper at her head. "Why did you start smoking in the first place?"

"Hm?" There was a small silence. "I didn't do it a lot... I just..."

She leaned in closer, balancing her arms on her spread knees.

"It just... made me feel better."

She bit her bottom lip. "Made you feel better about what?"

More silence. "Haruhi?"

"Yeah?"

"... are you really a virgin?"

Her temple throbbed. That again? "Yeah."

Low, muffled laughter. "Well..." He raised his head up slightly from under his arms so that she could see his eyes. They weren't at their best. But as teary and bloodshot as they might have been, there was still an undeniable mirth dancing there. "I think that's really admiralable too."

"Admirable, senpai."

"Yeah." His smile reached his eyes and she found herself smiling as well. Ouch. It hurt to smile. Reaching over to pull back a rogue strand of blonde from the bowl, she let out her last drunken giggle for the evening.

* * *

Up Next: What you've all been waiting for... or not... _KYOUYA'S SERIOUS PROBLEMS: PART ONE!_

* * *

DAYUM! That was **looooooooooooong**! Lol! But I had a lot of fun writing it. I also had a lot of **HARDSHIP**! I try not to make chapters that long for several reasons. 1. It takes me days to finish it. In this case 4 days. **2.** I start getting repetitive. I use the same words and phrases. **Obsidian needs a larger vocabulary**. **3. **When people review, they will not remember to critic me on the earlier parts of the chapter.

So you know the drill. Tell me what you liked. What you did not like. Was everyone in character? Blahblahlblah. I hope the drinking part was** realistic**. It should have been since I based it heavily off of my own experiences. Was the ending too cheesy? **Be honest **nao.

The next chapter...** HOHOHO**... With the next chapter this story will officially be _**!MATURE!**_ so look for it in the _**MATURE SECTION! **_I'm scared to start on the next chapter. It's very scary. And serious. And the two characters that are going to make it mature are very dear to my heart. And it will hurt to corrupt them. XD **_CAN YOU GUESS THE PAIRING?!_** I've been subtly hinting at it, but all that may have been lost on you. No, it's not Tama/Haru. That is a given. **T****ry to guess**. That will pleeease me.

Anyway, **be patient **with me for the next chapter because believe you me, it is going to be HARD to write. I am going to take a LOT of time out in my next author's note just to tell you how **HARD **it's going to be.

S**O REVIEW!  
**


	6. Kyouya Has Serious Problems: Part I

Moonlight poured into the dimly lit bedroom through broad, towering windows. The shrill sounds of guitars and high-pitched screaming roared from somewhere inside. A dark haired boy lay upon the midnight blue comforter, grey eyes searching the ceiling for nothing in particular. A blank, expressionless stare molded his usually... blank, expressionless features. Ootori Kyouya was feeling high as a kite.

**SERIOUS PROBLEM #1**: _Kyouya is Below the Influence_.

If you know what I mean. In other words, Kyouya just says "YES!" Kyouya doesn't _have_ an anti-drug. _Crack _is _not _wack as far as Kyouya is concerned.

"DIE MOTHAFUCKER DIE! MOTHAFUCKER DIE!"

The music a.k.a screaming with (lack of) rhythm flowed through Kyouya. It soothed him. Perhaps because the artists sounded as if they were going through even more serious problems than he himself had to endure. Schadenfreude and all that... A ghost of a smile slipped across his lips and he leaned back deeper into the comforter, eyes closed. That's when he heard a soft scratching noise.

"Huh?" His eyes shot open. What was that? He searched the depressing cell of a bedroom in attempt to find a culprit, but there was nothing there. Just ugly, hard and colorless modern furniture. Save for the view of the common room windows (Yes, Kyouya's bedroom has a common room) stretched out over the balcony, his bedroom was completely windowless. You would think it was suffocating. Tamaki had tried to liven it up a bit with reds and yellows and all other sorts of warm colors that Kyouya abhorred. They all, however, ended up in the trash can with the exception of a disgusting Sponge Bob plushie the boy had bought him for Christmas. It sat upon his writing desk, just as hideous as always.

Shaking his head, he settled back down onto the bed again. He was just being paranoid of course. The drugs were getting to him. This was an unfortunate side effect of using the only thing that kept him sane. Well, one of them. But, somehow, his second sane-keeper also managed to keep him equally insane, so it wasn't really a fair deal. He glared at the Sponge Bob toy.

"DIE! GO TO HELL! GO TO HELL!" The speakers thundered. "GET OUT YOU FUCKING WHORE!"

Perhaps it had simply been the music. It was at an unreasonably high volume, after all. And that storm was still raging outside. Probably just the rain splattering against his windows.

Because that's the sound rain makes.

Yep.

Sighing, he removed the glasses from his eyes and sat them at his side. He lifted a hand to his nose to scratch and pinch at his itching nostrils. It had been so long since he last snorted anything. He'd forgotten how it felt for a while.

Thanks to _him_.

A sudden wave of depression crashed over the boy. This was so stupid. He was Kyouya fucking Ootori. How could he fall victim to this for a _second_ time? He took the next few minutes to angst. Then his thoughts traveled to the conversation he'd had with that bastard of a father before the man had left on an important business meeting.

**SERIOUS PROBLEM # 2**: _Kyouya's Father is a Jerk_.

What did he _mean_ he wasn't working hard enough? He worked harder than his other two brothers combined! If that bastard only knew everything he was working on! But he hadn't said that to his dearest father's face of course. He'd smiled, nodded and waited until he had reached the safe confines of this room before flipping a shit on a poor, sunny colored throw pillow. His eyes traveled to the pile of cloth and cotton in the corner. The ill-fated thing had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time and that was all there was to it... Wait. Sunny colored? Kyouya didn't approve of sunny colored objects. Had Tamaki bought that? Goddammit. He would never hear the end of_ that _inevitable bitch fit. Best to remove it as soon as possible.

Using his arms to hoist himself from the covers, he stood to his feet and frowned. Why was it suddenly so hot in here? Tugging at the material around his waist, he pulled the purplish sweater he'd been wearing from over his head so that he was only in a short sleeved black tee and dark, ripped jeans. And it _still_ felt like hell. Bending down, he gathered the ravaged throw pillow into his arms. He would burn it in the common room fireplace and then he would go for another line. His high was so _obviously_ wearing off.

Scratching.

"SOMEBODY KILL ME PLEASE!" the speakers screeched. There were no scratching noises in this song. It was one of Kyouya's favorites. He would know. Using a silvery remote to lower the speaker volume, his eyes scanned the room warily from the wrinkled comforter to the white ceiling to Sponge Bob's manic grin to the rain splattered window panes out across the balcony. He groaned and fell back against the bed, careful to avoid crushing his glasses. His fingers massaged a bit too harshly at his forehead. Maybe he should leave the drugs alone for tonight. If they were making him like this now, who knows how he would feel in another-

The door suddenly crashed open and a tall, dripping figure loomed in the entranceway. The thing pointed an accusing finger at him. "AHA!"

"AHHH!" Kyouya let out an involuntary yell.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The figure darted back.

"WHAT THE HELL?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Kyouya reached back to grasp a cream colored pillow from his bed and tossed it straight at the figure. It hit its target and the intruder stumbled back onto the stair banister.

Flinging himself from the bed, he moved to steady the man before he could tumble down to the common room.

The figure let out a relieved sigh. "Kyouya, you saved me!"

"Why were _you _screaming?"

"You scared me! Why were _you_ screaming?"

"Because you fucking _burst_ into my room!"

"... sorry."

"What are you doing here, Tamaki?" Kyouya responded scathingly, fingers digging into the slightly taller boy's damp shoulders.

"Investigating." The blonde shrugged away and walked around him and into the bedroom before he could protest.

Kyouya didn't want to, but he opened his mouth anyway. "Investigating what?" He stared as his best friend rummaged through the pockets of a group of jackets hanging on a coat rack. Tamaki pulled a magnifying glass from his own tan trenchcoat pocket and trailed it down a brownish colored jacket, his eye following closely. "And..." Kyouya noticed his glove bound hands. "Why are you wearing that Inspector Gadget cosplay?"

Tamaki chuckled softly from his crouched position on the ground. "Don't be ridiculous, Kyouya."

Kyouya's eye twitched. He wasn't the one wearing the silly outfit.

"Tonight, I am channeling the great Sherlock Holmes!" Tamaki announced, now suddenly on his feet in one of those overly flamboyant poses usually found in the limits of a San Francisco men's salon. "Commoner Investigator and Detective Extraordinaire!" He placed a palm over his chest, his expression at its vainest. "Indeed we have much in common."

A half smile tugged at the corner of Kyouya's lips. He'd read a few of those time-wasting classics simply for the status in saying that he had and the two hardly had anything in common. Still, he had to admit, Tamaki did look great in that outfit. As ridiculous as it was.

"If you could drop your delusions of grandeur just for a moment perhaps you would kindly get the fuck out of my room?"

"That wasn't very nice." Tamaki pouted, his eyes evaluating his best friend. "... you're cursing a lot."

Kyouya's eyes widened slightly. Although at times it was extremely easy to forget, Tamaki wasn't a _complete_ idiot. He could catch on to clues surprisingly quick and at the worst moments. Unfortunately for Kyouya. He watched as the blonde scaled his bookcases, pulling each book out of its place at a time.

"Any secret book activated chambers at work here?"

... This was one of those aforementioned times. And maybe the twins were right. Maybe he_ had_ been watching too much Scooby Doo.

"I turned on the heat, Kyouya." Tamaki told him as he dropped down to examine the carpet. "I hope you don't mind."

"I do." Kyouya growled. "And drug addicts are supposed to crack under low temperatures. Not high, Tamaki."

The blonde froze and let out a low, "Shit."

"I heard that."

"Kyouya!" Tamaki suddenly gasped in surprise and Kyouya sensed a subject change.

"What?" He watched as the other boy scrambled towards the bed, nearly tripping over his long, brown trench coat in the process. He was desperately collecting something upon the covers.

Oh. "Tamaki-"

"You_ killed _it!" A teary eyed Tamaki slowly turned to face him, the remains of the bright yellow pillow in his arms. He winced as a ball of cotton drifted to the ground.

"You can't kill a pillow."

"It was so cute!" Tamaki whined on as he examined the shred marks in the cloth. Kyouya didn't remember how he'd made those. His teeth, perhaps?

"Tama-"

"I even bought one for me!" The blonde whined on. "So we could match! They were BEST FRIEND pillows!"

Kyouya chortled at the absurd notion. "Dude..." He trailed off, realizing his mistake.

Tamaki's eyes narrowed. "Kyouya?"

"What?" he sighed, falling back onto the bed.

"You just said 'dude'."

"So?" he snarled.

"You never say 'dude'." Tamaki loomed over him. "And you laughed too." He leaned in closer, arms crossed. "You've smiled twice now. In the last _five_ minutes."

"... is that so strange?"

Tamaki blinked at him. Apparently, it was.

"Get out, Tamaki." he moaned, swinging an arm over closed eyes. His glasses cut into the skin.

"Why?" He heard the boy ask softly. Oh, he was using that tone now, was he? That rare tone reserved for moments when he wasn't being a complete and utter idiot. Well, it wouldn't do him any good.

"I never invited you," he explained in truth, arm still resting over the glass. "And you're dripping all over my room."

He could hear scraping sounds from the floor and suddenly there was something putting upward pressure on the mattress underneath him.

"Tamaki."

No answer.

"Get out from under my bed."

More scraping sounds.

"Ow!"

The clown had bumped his head. Whimpering.

Scraping sounds grew louder and Kyouya guessed that Tamaki had emerged from under the bed. The side of the mattress closest to his head then sank lower followed by a low crunching noise. Kyouya muttered a string of curses.

"I was serious, you know." He tilted his arm just enough so that he could make out what Tamaki was doing. "Get out."

The blonde was feeling around the mattress, shaking the pillows out, and examining the structure with his magnifying glass. Did he really think that thing would help him at all? This idiot was all about appearances. Kyouya stifled a laugh. Dammit. If he kept that up, Tamaki would become suspicious and besides, a giggling Ootori was just... wrong. He had to get the poison out of his system and fast. Or at least suppress it.

Tamaki was bending over the other end now, hands roving over the headboard. Kyouya waited for him to get a splinter, as he was prone to do, and smiled when he heard the tiny cry. His eyes darted in its direction and widened a bit. What kind of underwear was that peeking out from his jeans? With crowns and little Kuma-chans. Did he order custom made underwear now? Why? Who was going to see it? Why was he even staring at Tamaki's underwear? Kyouya closed his eyes and covered them again, his mind even more jumbled than before. "Get out!" he half groaned. "How did you get in anyway?" He had told the staff not to let anyone in without his permission with the exception of his best friend- whom they were to automatically send away.

"The vents." Tamaki explained as he rose from the bed and crossed to the walk in closet. Kyouya waited for him to laugh in jest and go off on some conceited tale in which he charmed one of the maids into letting him in.

"It wasn't as easy as they make it look in those commoner spy movies, you know." Tamaki sighed as he rummaged through box after box, article after article. "Next time, I'll just charm one of the maids into letting me in."

Kyouya gave him a look. "You're an idiot."

Tamaki just shot a quick smile over his shoulder and continued to "investigate". It wasn't quite the reaction Kyouya had expected, but he supposed Tamaki knew by now that it was pointless to argue the fact.

"Will you get out?"

No response.

"I'm sure you wouldn't want my guards to_ escort _you."

Tamaki peered over his shoulder. "You wouldn't."

Kyouya blinked. "That, by far, is the stupidest thing to come out of your mouth all night."

Tamaki stiffened.

"You really think I wouldn't?"

The blonde finally spun around, eyes glistening. "But it's raining out."

"You shouldn't have come in the first place."

"I'm cold!"

Kyouya groaned. Not the waterworks...

Tamaki blubbered.

"Stop crying!" Kyouya scowled. "And I'm sending you my heat bill."

"Kyo-"

"Ah."

"Bu-"

"Shh!"

"Wh-"

"Get out."

Tamaki silenced a bit before waltzing away from the closet and toward the writing desk. He started to pull restlessly at the buttons of his trench coat. "It's hot in here!"

_No shit, Sherlock. Didn't you consider that you might burn up too? _"Don't get too comfortable."

"Ooooooh!" He turned to see that the boy was beaming over the desk, eyes shimmering. "You kept it."

Kyouya grimaced when he picked up the grotesque, yellow sponge. "For too long actually." He stretched a hand out from the bed. "Let me dispose of it now."

Tamaki laughed playfully and darted in the opposite direction despite the fact that Kyouya's fingertips could hardly reach him. The dripping trench and hat lay abandoned at the foot of the bed. He was wearing jeans and one of those loose fitting shirts he adored so much. The material was white and silk thin. French style, Kyouya supposed.

"Do you know what it does?"

He reluctantly answered, "No" and Tamaki gave the plushie a little squeeze.

"PATRICK!" The thing squealed, eyes popping out.

Tamaki squeezed it again and it let out a manic giggle.

Another squeeze.

"Who lives in a pinapple under the sea?"

"Okay, enough!" Kyouya grasped two fistfuls of dark hair. "Get out, Tamaki!"

Tamaki just turned his back to him, fingers absentmindedly pulling at Sponge Bob's square pants.

"Tamaki..."

Oh no. He was doing _that thing_. That thing in which his bangs fell over his eyes so that no one could see. He had officially sank into emo mode.

"GET-"

"Kyouya, this is _serious!_" The blonde suddenly thundered in a striking mood shift, bluntly but sharp enough to garner a reaction from his best friend. Kyouya's grey eyes narrowed into that fiery purplish blu... whatever they were. He had trouble deciphering... An electric buzz seemed to hum through the atmosphere as their adrenaline rapidly climbed. The room temperature was of no aid.

"If you think I'm hiding drugs, just say so." Kyouya finally spoke, his tone even.

"I'm not just saying it!" Tamaki returned, shakily. "I have good reason."

"And what wou-" Before he could finish, the blonde was upon him, hands patting all over his clothing.

"What the hell?" Kyouya pried at his arms. "Get off. Get off! GET OFF!" He took a handful of the light, flannel material and shoved the boy onto the other side of the bed, breath ragged. They both lay there for a while, panting into the sapphire covers, eying each other warily.

"You..." Kyouya forced out between pants. "... really are... an idiot."

"Kyouya..." Tamaki breathed, golden strands falling back over his eyes. "You really... you really don't-"

"I'm not hiding any drugs in here!" he snapped. Well, it _was_ true. Emphasis on the "in here".

"But you were on AIM!" Tamaki shot back accusingly. "Did you think I was too drunk to remember?"

He had hoped.

"You were talking to someone! You only ever used to get on AIM when..." He trailed off, his expression unreadable, hidden beneath mounds of hair.

"AIM's uses aren't limited to drug dealing, you know."

Tamaki raised his head a bit, the slightest hint of violet peeking out from behind the disarray.

"I wasn't going to tell you what I was doing." Kyouya's gears worked quickly, fabricating as he went along. Maybe_ it _was finally wearing off.

Tamaki expression was completely visible now, eyes wide and hopeful. "Why?"

A sigh. "Do you really have to know?"

"TELL M-"

"Fine." He propped an elbow up on the bed, his cheek resting against his palm. "I was making arrangements with an American company for that Medieval themed cosplay you kept raving about."

Tamaki leaned in to stare him closely in the face and he felt a bit uncomfortable under his scrutiny. What was going through that stupid head of his?

"R..."

Kyouya raised an eyebrow.

"Really?" Tamaki's eyes sparkled.

"Really, Tamaki." Guilt pricked irritatingly at his gut, but all the same, he was relieved to have his idiot back to normal. As normal as he got anyway.

"With swords? And shields? And horses? And armor?"

"No horses." Kyouya felt an invasion of privacy coming on.

"KYOUYA!"

"Tamaki," he warned.

"MY FRIEND!"

"Don't touch m-" Here it came.

Kyouya wished desperately for a crowbar as lengthy pale arms closed around his neck and a glossy yellow head nuzzled against his cheek. It brought back (not so) fond memories of their first meeting. What had his problem been anyway? There were students around! People had thought they were gay for at_ least _a month after that! And for him to do this _now_! Especially after...

"I'm really sorry." Tamaki rested his forehead on Kyouya's shoulder. "I was so worried. I'm so glad it's not true."

More prickling. Dammit. Kyouya hated him for this. For making him feel even the slightest bit of guilt. He was probably the only one who could. Taking a deep breath, he let his head fall forward, his nostrils picking up on a familiar scent. Oranges. But Kyouya's room didn't smell of oranges. God forbid _that_. This was Tamaki's scent. Had he been eating them, Kyouya wondered. Was it a commoner's lotion? Perhaps a shampoo recipe that involved the fruit? He wouldn't put it past his best friend, forever vain, always searching for new, clever ways to perfect his _beauty_.

Kyouya shifted his weight, suddenly very aware of the overly hyper blonde wrapped around him. Aware of the way his still damp hair fell at the nape of his neck. The flimsy, white material clinging to his lithe form. The- Shit! Kyouya closed his eyes tightly. Fucking hormones...

**SERIOUS PROBLEM # 3**: _Kyouya is sexually confused_.

Whether it be the influence of the high, teenage hormones, birth under Scorpio, or the author, there was **no** doubt that Kyouya's sexual orientation was all over the place. And then some.

"Get out, Tamaki." He grumbled, trying his best to focus on Sponge Bob, the least sexiest thing in the room among other places. "I feel sick." Well, it was half true.

"Sick?" Tamaki eased back, idiot eyes concerned. "Is that why you were laying down when I got here?"

"Yeah." That worked.

"Not to worry, Kyouya!" Tamaki's index finger shot up and Kyouya scowled. "I'll stay with you!"

"No, you don't have t-"

"Shhhh!" Tamaki pushed him back against the pillow and winked. "You know you want me to."

"No, I really don-"

"Just relax, okay, _mom_?"

"Why do you keep calling me th-"

"Hands up!" Tamaki tugged at the comforter to stretch it over his best friend's form.

Kyouya reluctantly lifted his hands up. "Alright, but afterwards you can lea-"

"Let's put on some music!"

Kyouya's fingernails dug into the comforter. When people were sick you did _not _"put on some music". He watched as the boy fumbled around the sound system against the back wall.

"Don't touch tha-"

"DIE YOU FAGGOT DIE! KILL ALL THE FAGGOTS! DIE FAGGOT DIE!"

Tamaki turned around slowly, a frightened expression widening his features. It was almost enough to make Kyouya smile. Almost.

"Turn it off, Tamaki."

"Oh my God, Kyouya." The horrified expression stayed intact. "What _is _this?"

_None of your fucking business._ "What did I just say?"

"Let's listen to the commoner opera station."

"The commoner opera?"

"Miyani!" An elderly female voice rasped. "You are a disgrace! You try to poison me! And screw the milkman! I never should have let you marry my son!"

Tamaki gasped, the whites of his eyes showing.

"Liar!" A young woman started. "Used up floozy! Your son..."

"No..." Tamaki squeaked. "Don't tell her..."

"You're son hates you!"

"No!" Tamaki cried.

"He is the one that poisoned you!"

"Miyani-san!" His fingers gripped the speakers tightly. "You mustn't disrespect your mother-in-law in such a way!"

"Tamaki!"

"Okay, how about this?" He spun around, smiling anew. "This is a great favorite of young American commoners of the past! Mori-senpai gave it to me!"

Before Kyouya could protest (as if it would do any good), he popped a compact disc that he'd pulled from only God knows where into the player.

Kyouya groaned. "Will you just leave?"

"Listen!"

"... Tamaki."

"_What_?"

"... how is this any better than what I was listening to?"

"What do you mean?" Tamaki spun around, eyes wild. "It's WAY better!"

"Do you even know what Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds stands for?"

Tamaki blinked. "Does it have something to do with Peanuts?"

Kyouya pulled the covers over his head. "Just go..."

"Oh, I almost forgot!" Tamaki suddenly stood to his feet and crossed back over to the bed where his friend was simmering. "Do you want something to drink?" He sat at the foot of the bed. "I'll have the maids send up some tea or something."

Kyouya remained silent.

"What kind do you want?"

No answer.

"I'll choose for you!" he volunteered, beaming all the while. "I found this excellent commoner's recipe..."

Kyouya glowered through the covers as Tamaki began to rise from the mattress to go downstairs. He would lock his room door and then... But wait. Go downstairs?

"Tamaki!" He jumped up, hand reaching for the blonde's. "Wai-"

The door suddenly swung open.

"Heeeeeeeey, Kyouuuyaaaaa!" A tall, dark haired man stood in the doorway. He beared a striking resemblance to the Shadow King. Only older and bulkier. "Thanks man!"

Kyouya swallowed hard. "Akito, go ba-"

"Duuuuude!" Akito brayed like a donkey, although it wasn't clear if it was the affects of the drug or his God cursed laugh. "This is some good shiiiiiit!" He held up a clear bag where a white powdery substance was lumped inside.

"Hey, Akito-san!" Tamaki grinned brightly as he bounced off the heels of his feet. "I haven't seen you in a while!"

"Heeeeeeey!" Akito's heavy hand came down playfully on the younger man's head, even though they were relatively close in height. "It's the blonde dude!"

"Tamaki." Kyouya corrected coldly as he waited for the lightening to strike. It was a bit late, but these delays were to be expected from his best friend, slow as he was.

"Oh yeah!" Akito let out another god awful laugh before jiggling the bag before Tamaki's eyes. "You want me to draw you a line?"

Kyouya slapped a hand to his forehead. "_Suou_ Tamaki."

Akito blinked at Kyouya. Then he gaped at Tamaki. Then he felt stupid.

"Uh..." He shot his younger brother a scared look. Kyouya considered letting him suffer.

"He won't tell anyone." He finally decided to relieve him after a few moments of tortured silence.

Tamaki frowned. "Won't tell anyone what?" His eyes settled on the bag. "Is that sugar? Are you baking something?"

Kyouya twitched. Akito brayed.

"HAWHAW!" He ruffled his golden bangs again. "You're funny, Suou."

Tamaki pouted as if it were the second time someone had told him that this week. "What is it? Is it Coconut flavored Kool-aid?"

Akito was Rolling On The Floor Laughing his Ass Off.

"What?" Tamaki demanded, face reddening, eyes watering. "What is it?"

"HAW!" Akito rubbed at his own eyes and pulled himself from the floor. "Sorry, Suou." He snorted, a poor attempt at containing his laughter. "You can't buy this at the grocery store, if you know what I mean."

Tamaki arched an eyebrow, the mechanics in his mind desperately clicking. Kyouya gave him until the count of three.

1...

...2...

...3

He overestimated him. It was four, actually.

Tamaki stiffened for a second as if temporarily unable to move his limbs. Then oxygen seemed to seep out of him like a deflating balloon. He slumped over into emo mode again, eyes shaded.

"Er..." Akito reached his hand out in a half motion. "Suou-kun..."

"Akito." Kyouya called from his place on the bed, tone even. "Why did you come up here?"

"Huh?" His brother blinked. "I told you I'd give it back to y-"

"I said I'd come down and get it." Kyouya turned to gaze directly at him, the slightest hint of anger in his features. "Why did you choose to come _now_?"

"Uh..." Akito quivered a bit, despite the heat. It was suddenly very chilly in here... "Well, now that I think about it, Yuuichi said I should."

"When did he say that?"

"Uh..." Akito hugged himself, fingers squeezing at his arms. So cold. "A little bit after we saw Suou trying to get into the vents."

...

"He thought it would be fun to watch him."

"So after Tamaki got here?"

"I guess so." Akito shrugged. "He said if I came up here, I might see something really interesting." Akito looked around. "But it's just you." He side glanced at Emo!Tamaki. "And Suou is being weird."

"It is like him." Kyouya explained, but his thoughts were elsewhere, teeth gritted, eyes storming with rage.

**SERIOUS PROBLEM # 4:** _Kyouya's eldest brother is a total asshole_.

And the other, a complete moron. That's right. Not only were his arch rivals in life his own_ brothers,_ but they were the most unsuitable people imaginable to succeed the Ootori "throne". His family's legacy was doomed to fall with these two at the head. Yes. It was best to leave it all to Kyouya. Drug snorting, diary keeping, sexually confused Kyouya.

"I'll leave this here." A shivering Akito sat the bag down on the writing desk. "It's suddenly freezing in here." He shot Tamaki a puzzled look before stumbling toward the door, desperate to leave the chill that his brother was currently emanating. "Take it easy, Suou."

With that, he left the two in a smothering silence. They waited for the footsteps to die down. Then for the common room door to slam shut. Finally, Kyouya spoke.

"Save it, Tamaki." He feigned a bored sigh, despite how harshly his heart thudded at his chest. "I'm not-"

Before he could even think to move away, Tamaki attacked him, this time clutching the collar of his tank tightly enough to rip the material.

"Tamaki!"

"Shut up!" The blonde bellowed, eyes fierce yet wounded like a betrayed puppy's. "I can't believe you! You lied to me!"

"Not neccessa-"

"Shut up, Kyouya!" He forced him against the headboard. "Don't try to mind fuck me now, alright?" Tamaki liked to chastise the rest of them for their less than civil language, but when his own anger got the best of him, he seemed to have trouble following suit.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he went on. "Didn't you learn anything from before?"

Kyouya avoided his maddened gaze. He would have to calm him down at some point, but what was important at the moment was right now. And right now, he didn't like the feel of the splintery, wooden headboard digging through his shirt and into the flesh of his back.

"Tamaki." He breathed, reluctantly lifting his gaze. "_Let. Go."_

Tamaki just stared at him. Which was quite a feat considering that he was giving one of the most terrifying Shadow King glares of the year, guaranteed to send the Host King into a stupor on any given day. But this wasn't just _any _day.

"How long?" Tamaki demanded. "When did you start back?"

"Let _go_." Kyouya reached out for the other boy's collar. They were at each other's throats now, but Tamaki didn't seem to care.

"When did you start back?"

Kyouya growled. "Why does it matter?"

"Why does it matter?" Tamaki retorted, the most heart-breakingly hurt look in his eyes. "You're my best friend, Kyouya!" The tears started to well up, causing an involuntary jolt somewhere in Kyouya's stomach. "You don't have to lie or hide things from me!"

The something in his gut writhed and twisted until he could barely stand it anymore. Why _did_ he have to care? There were thousands of other useless things that he could prattling on about at the moment. Tamaki liked useless. Soap Operas. Commoner Eateries. The condition and moisture of his skin.

_Her_.

"How could you do something so stupid?" The blonde raged on. "You were doing so much bett-"

"Why do you even c-"

"Why _don't _you care?" The grip on his collar tightened. "Your father? The family business? You can't knock one little habit for the sake of your dreams?"

One little habit? Kyouya's grip followed suit. He made it sound so easy. "It's not-"

"I guess I overestimated you." Tamaki quieted a bit, eyes finding the pinched, blue sheets in the narrow space between the two. "I thought you were stronger than that."

Not that again. That disgraced tone. The shadowed expression. And sure enough, Kyouya felt his pride breaking. How was it, that a simple idiot could do this to him? It didn't make any sense. It didn't make any sense at all.

His grasp on the flimsy, white cloth had unconsciously loosened, as had Tamaki's own grasp on him. The atmosphere of the room was slowly seeping away from the emotion fueled whirlwind he'd been trapped in for the past few moments and back into focus. The rain was still splattering, just as heavily as it had before. The twisting thing in his gut had expanded further up his insides. The bag still sat on his writing desk. He felt like shit.

"Kyouya." Tamaki breathed, snapping him out of his daze. The boy leaned over to rest his forehead on his friend's shoulder, burying his chin in a mess of golden curls. The spicy citrus smell filled Kyouya's nose once again.

"Maybe you've been working too hard."

"Hm." He tilted his neck forward, submerging deeper into the tangled tresses. Where _was_ that scent coming from?

"You should go on vacation."

That sounds promising, Kyouya thought as he absentmindedly stroked at a lock of blonde hair.

"I'll come too of course!"

The promise was promptly fading. He leaned in further, strands tickling at his cheek. As soft as he remembered.

"We can go to a commoner's spot!" Tamaki's mood seemed to be rising a bit too quickly now. "I'll have our daughter inform us!"

Kyouya grimaced. Everything had been peaceful for a second. Until he started acting like a fool again. These split personalities of his were difficult to keep up with.

"We'll have so much fun!"

_Oh, Tamaki._

"Well, on second thought..."

_Shut up._

"The twins will probably ravage her while we're gone!" The imbecile concluded. "So let's invite everyone!" His head suddenly popped up, smile glowing. "Okay?"

Their eyes met for a second in which Tamaki caught something dreadfully familiar in his best friend's expression. However, by the time he could even think to pull away, it was too late.

Kyouya, on the other hand, had finally figured out exactly where that tantalizing odor was coming from. Tamaki had, in fact, eaten an orange that day. This was certain. The mystery was in how the juice had actually made it to his hair. Perhaps he wouldn't stop playing with it.

Kyouya couldn't say he blamed him.

**SERIOUS PROBLEM #5:** _Kyouya is in lust with his best friend_.

Yes, yes. I know what you're thinking. We learned this with **SERIOUS PROBLEM # 3**!

Well, **SERIOUS PROBLEM # 3** states that _Kyouya is sexually confused_. Which he_ is!_ What it did_ not_ state is whom he is sexually confused about...

Usually.

Does that complete your thought process?

Or perhaps you were thinking, "OMG!111! Kyouya would _never_ do that!"

Well, tough cookies.

On with the tale...

Tamaki, after the few seconds it took him to regain control of his body, stumbled backwards off of the bed, nearly crashing into the writing desk. Scratch that. He did.

"PATRICK!" Sponge Bob squealed after falling between the desk and the wall and being squished. Surprisingly, Tamaki was not amused. He reached up to scrub the back of his hand against his lips, eyes wide as saucers.

How insulting. Kyouya frowned. Was _that_ supposed to cover up for all of his prior less than disgusted reactions?

"So..." He stood as well, the simple movement unnerving his friend, and pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. "Still celibate?"

"Abstinent." Tamaki corrected, suddenly very interested in gathering his belongings together.

"_You_ can't _be _abstinent, Tamaki." he explained, calmly, despite the storm whipping inside of him, fierce as the one outside the window. "Did you get your definitions confused again?"

"Don't do this." Tamaki scowled back, hands ringing around his detective's hat. "You promised. You said you under-"

"Do what?" Kyouya smiled, glasses glazing over.

"Well, if you're going to be a condescending bastard about it, I'm leaving."

Leaving? Kyouya wasn't quite so sure if he wanted him to _leave _anymore. "I thought you were staying."

"I..." Tamaki paused at the doorway. "I don't think that's such a good idea." he spoke over his shoulder.

Kyouya's eyes darkened considerably. He couldn't even look at him now?

"Oh, I almost forgot!" Tamaki made his way to the writing desk, careful to keep a three foot distance between he and his best friend. Sweeping up the offending bag, he made his way back to the door, holding it away from him as if it were a emitting a deadly gas.

A new something lurched inside of Kyouya. "Give it back."

Tamaki's fingers found the doorknob.

"Give it _back_, Tamaki."

There was a silence, compiled of many dots, until finally, the blonde opened the bag and nonchalantly emptied the contents into a small flower pot to his right.

Kyouya stared aghast. If it were not for his Ootori willpower, his jaw would have been approaching the carpet right now.

"There!" Tamaki slapped his palms together, his feet stomping at the dirt and powder inside of the pot. "Now you won't be touching _that_ again, will you?"

He smiled and Kyouya twitched at the black mixing with white. That $5000 white...

"Kyouya?" Tamaki asked when he didn't hear a response. "Kyo..." He turned around to meet his friend's eyes. That's when he realized how big a mistake he had just made.

"Um..." He scratched at the back of his neck, shrill laughter escaping his lips. "Kyouya..."

Kyouya glared daggers at him. This was all too much. First the heart attack inducing entrance. Then the stupid outfit. Then the search. The heat. Sponge Bob. The making him feel guilty. The tears. The inadvertent teasing. The cold shoulder. And now this? He wanted to hurt him. _Badly. _

"Erm..." Tamaki inched toward the door, wearing that same stupid smile. "Igottago!Bye!"

He was quick, as he swung open the door and started to sprint toward the stairs. But Kyouya, with the help of his multiplied anger, was quicker.

"Not so fast." He grabbed a handful of blonde and wrenched him back into the room, slamming the door behind him.

"OW!" Tamaki whined as he hit the floor, hands massaging at his head. "You didn't have to..." He gazed upwards, his eyes catching the evil glower of the demon king. It's hand traveled up to click the lock on the door and a shiver ran down his spine.

"Uh... Kyouya," he started, clumsily rising to his feet, eyes plastered on his best friend. "This is obviously just the effect of the pot-"

"No, you fucking idiot." Kyouya's tone had dropped below zero. "_You're_ the pothead."

Tamaki swallowed hard. "Meth-"

"Coke." Kyouya hissed. "And you don't know the first thing about it."

"I know it's dangerous!" Tamaki tried his luck at hissing back, as there wasn't much more he could use at the moment. "I know you shouldn't use it to make yourself feel better!"

Kyouya chuckled lowly. It was a terrifying sound, usually a prelude to a private police threat or a frightening increase in debt. The devil only knew what it held for Tamaki.

"You want to talk about using drugs to make yourself feel better?" Kyouya leaned in to whisper in his ear and the breath caught in his throat. "Let's talk about why you started smoking in the first place."

Suddenly, Tamaki was pinned back against the sapphire sheets, wrists clamped above his head.

"Get off!" he grunted, legs kicking at the brunette straddling them. He squirmed about and pulled vehemently at his wrists, but Kyouya was stronger than he looked. What with his ability to put dents in cars and all. He finally gave an exasperated sigh. "Why are you doing this?"

"Shut up, Tamaki."

"I thought we-"

"You really don't want me to?"

"_No!_"

"Then why are you still violating my personal space?" Kyouya made a face. "And why are you calling me _mommy_?"

"You know I can't help it!" he cried, skin red from shouting. "That's just how I am! And I didn't mean it that way!"

Kyouya's glare deepened. The worst thing was that, he was actually right. That's just how Tamaki was and he probably_ didn't _mean it that way.

His foolish naivety never ceased to amaze him.

Kyouya kneeled forward and the blonde sank deeper into the sheets, eyes squeezed shut. He traced his lips tauntingly over his cheek and Tamaki twisted his neck in the opposite direction, back pressing further into the comforter. The gesture made Kyouya smirk, but nevertheless, it was becoming tiring.

"Why are you being so stubborn?" he breathed against the thin flesh of his collarbone. Tamaki wrenched away. He was currently trying to snake his way under the covers, but Kyouya simply kicked them off of the bed, putting an end to whatever the hell _that_ was supposed to accomplish.

"...Kyouya..." Tamaki whispered into the sheets, eyes open and pleading. "Don't make me hurt you."

Well, that was a laugh. One that he'd heard too many times before. When it came down to it, Tamaki was quite competent when defending others and perfectly incapable of defending himself. Especially against a close friend. He would shove and push and squirm and pull. But he would never actually _hurt _him. He bit lightly at the boy's collarbone, the salty taste of sweat bursting on the tip of his tongue. Tamaki didn't seem to like that, as he winced and burrowed his face deeper into the sheets.

Kyouya uttered a string of curses. Fine. But he had one last trick up his sleeve.

"Shit!" Tamaki momentarily emerged from the mattress at the felt presence of fingers working at the cloth just below his waist. Kyouya paid no attention, frustration mounting. Patience was a virtue, but it wasn't always his forte. What the hell did jeans need so many buttons for anyway? It was so like Tamaki to choose such a painfully intricate design.

"Stop!"

"What's the matter..." He decided to add just for the irony of it, "_Daddy?_"

"That's not funny!" Tamaki cried out, violet eyes begging him as he slipped a hand inside, fingers searching. The blonde was summing up to be a pretty pathetic "daddy" indeed. "Stop it!"

"Why should I?" He finally found what he was looking for and Tamaki let out a small, high-pitched whimper before jerking his face back down toward the mattress. Kyouya smirked. "You never complained before."

* * *

A/N: It's really... not as **bad** as you think. Heheheh...

This was another **ridiculously long **chapter. I just can't seem to help it anymore. I actually **rewrote** this chapter **TWICE**. The first draft was absolutely **horrid**. I had to redo it. It was actually a hard chapter to write. Probably because I was destroying my second favorite character. And doing quite a bit of damage to my favorite character toward the end XD But the next chapter will be even more difficult. But a lot more fun. If anyone has lemon writing tips by the way, send them my way O_o Because I have never written one before... It's really _not_ what you think though...

I just had to do **Kyo/Tama** for my token unrequited **yaoi** pairing because _**it's smexy.**_ And it's not that hard to slash them, you guys. **They're very slashable** actually.

No one guessed that this was the pairing so I guess I **fail ultimately** at hinting -.- Sorreh.

_**REVIEW!**_


	7. Kyouya Has Serious Problems: Part II

I figured for you **anime only!** people, I should let you know a few **manga** things before you think I am crazy:

**1. Tamaki is ninja crazed.**

**2. Tamaki's mother, Anne Sophie, and her mad piano skillz exist. I didn't make that up. And also, his other grandmother exists too.**

**3. Fuyumi really is a commoner freak.**

* * *

_Two Years Ago..._

The stampede of foreign scourges kept fast on his heels. They cackled and howled after him. The hospital-white hallways of the Ootori estate stretched on forever, no end in sight. And that meant that there was only one place left for him to hide:

The closet, a pale blue door to his right. He would take refuge there.

"Look!" He spun around suddenly, his arm jerking out to point in the opposite direction. "It's a ninja!"

The demon horde screamed, their humongous purple eyes following his index finger, yellow locks contorting like sun-kissed serpents. "NINJAAA!"

Kyouya took that as his cue to escape, and quickly dodged inside of the closet, slamming the door behind him.

"Whew..."

Less than a minute later, he heard a loud noise, like thousands of rocks pummeling against the metal.

"Come out!" the demons roared. "Come out of the closet, Kyouya! Come out and play!"

"NO!" he yelled back, palms squeezed against his ears. Turning his back to the door, he leaned against it and slid down onto the hardwood floors. He would stay in here forever if he had to. Buddha himself couldn't move him from this closet. Let alone that herd of idiots.

"KYOUYAAAAAA!" They all whined in unison. "Take me back to Kyoto!"

"Take me to Harajuku!"

"Take me to Disney Land!"

"Namihage! Namihage! Namihage!"

"Noooooooo!" Kyouya moaned, burying his head into his knees. And he already had so very many problems! But he wouldn't cry. He had his dignity. "GO AWAY!"

"KYOOOUYAAAA!"

"KyoooooouuYaaaaaa!"

"Kyouya." He nearly jumped as an unfamiliar voice spoke from just beside him. Glancing up, he found an older man kneeling in a navy blue uniform. He had a cap pulled over his eyes so that Kyouya could barely make out anything.

"Welcome to the closet, son." he continued in a gruff, but friendly tone.

"Ah..." Kyouya raised an eyebrow. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Silence.

"... so what are you doing in my house?"

"Oh!" The man said with just a hint of laughter. "I've been in this here closet for years now."

Years? His father was surely a bastard, but to keep a man locked in a closet for years... And where had he found one with an American Southern accent? Was he dreaming? "Why... How-"

"Oh, no, son!" The man reared back and let out a great chuckle. "No one forced me! I like it here!"

"... You do?"

"Course I do!" More laughter. "It's best to keep everything in the closet" He leaned in close. "If you know what I mean."

Kyouya inched backwards and swallowed hard. "No, I'm afraid I-"

"No laughing friends. Disappointed family members..."

Kyouya narrowed his eyes. Just what was this man trying to get at?

"No one has to know."

Kyouya's eyes widened slightly. "Oh." He didn't know that this old pervert had meant 'closet' in_ that_ way. Anger swelled in his chest. Couldn't a guy hide in a closet anymore without people making overused innuendos? God! This was definitely a dream. Scratch that. A nightmare.

"I don't know what you're talking about." He scooted a few spaces away from the closet host and further into an endless darkness. "I'm not g-"

"Shhhhhh!" The man loomed over him, forefinger pressed lightly against the boy's lips. His voice seemed younger now. Smoother. "No one has to know." he repeated, lifting his head slightly so that Kyouya was able to make out a pair of familiar eyes. His own widened in terror. "_Right_, _mon ami_?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Fifteen-year-old Kyouya snapped up at a right angle from the guest bed, the scream still ringing in his ears. His breathing heavy, he surveyed the darkened room through eyes that were just beginning to focus. Nothing unusual so far. The same modern, lifeless furniture. The wide screen television. Dressers and drawers. Spotless floors and crack free ceilings. It was to be expected of an Ootori Mansion guest room, he supposed. He let out a long sigh of relief. No eternal hallways. No closets to hide in. And more importantly, no Tamaki! No stampede of Tamakis. No Tamaki in pervy janitor guise. No Tamaki period.. He used a handkerchief from the round, black bedside table to wipe the sweat from his brow. What an odd dream. And that last part... What... the... FUCK? Seriously? That was just sick! Was God angry with him? Was he toying with him? Planning to give him more serious problems? Well, Kyouya would just see about that! He gritted his teeth, unleashing the bulk of his anger on the innocent handkerchief that had provided him dryness in his time of need. Yes, at age fifteen, Kyouya was the same evil, heartless shadow king that he would always be. No surprises here, folks.

Dropping the severed handkerchief onto the carpet, he lay back down, eyes closed, brow furrowed. Tamaki. He'd been invading his dreams all week due to his constant presence and heckling. The idiot had been staying with them after all, forcing him to play babysitter. At first, Kyouya was lenient, letting him off on the old "He can't possible control what's going on inside of my head" excuse. But this... this was unforgivable! What kind of... It was something out of the brain of a crack head and, like the ceiling, Kyouya had been crack free for months now... His tightened fists loosened, his breathing shallowing... Thanks to _him_. A slight smile pulled at the corners of his lips.

Thanks to _him_, Kyouya had made a lot of progress getting rid of that particular serious problem. Boy, his serious problems sure were dwindling now! He'd bet that within two years time or so, they would be completely taken care of! He hardly ever thought about cocaine anymore, which was saying a lot. However...

The short-lived smile faltered. It was also thanks to Tamaki that he had just suffered through that god awful nightmare. It was thanks to Tamaki that he was hiding out in his own estate's guest bedroom. And kudos to Tamaki for causing him so much stress that at times he wanted to seize his laptop and download AIM again. He felt the need growing stronger in his gut and forced it back down. He had to distract himself. From cocaine and that odd dream... Why a gay dream? He had never had a gay dream before! Not one that he hadn't properly suppressed. And it's not like he _was _gay! He was totally, unbelievably, super straight! For real! There was no doubt about how straight he was. He loved... boobs.

I like boobs, he told himself.

Ah, this was ridiculous. He didn't have to _prove_ to himself that he was straight. That nightmare was just the obvious effect of Tamaki's insanity on his brain. Just like the time he dreamed of waking up on a bench at that commoner's expo and going to WacDonald's with that strange girl. Like he, Kyouya Ootori, would ever be caught dead at a commoner's expo or a WacDonald's. His dreams didn't mean anything at all. He was completely and utterly convinced of his heterosexuality.

But just incase...

He pulled the covers up around his neck and relaxed his body. There was a surefire way of converting his lust for cocaine and proving his masculinity at the same time. Dipping both hands under the cool, creamy white sheets, he unbuttoned his tan, long-sleeved pajama top and tossed it onto the ground. It was hot in here anyway, especially when he'd already woken in a sweat. Settling back into place, he moved his hands down toward the waistline of his boxers. It wasn't something that he did often. He didn't want it to control him- like it did Akito- but he was also a fifteen year old male with too tight a schedule to squeeze in a date every night. And the maids were far too trashy to be 'clean'. Trails of unchained images flowed before his mind's eye. Wednesday's Advanced Trig class. Tamaki spilling Capri-Sun all over the third kitchen floor. Akana's beach party. Tamaki bringing that monkey home from the zoo. The Ootori Resort Party. Tamaki pouring Skittles down the- Wait. The party. He had met a girl there. Brunette. Long, flowing hair. Curvy. A few years older. A sleek, crimson colored dress complimenting her in all the right places. She was perfect. And she wasn't one of those ditzy morons that liked to follow him up and down school corridors either. They had shared quite a bit of nerdy, technology geek banter together over champagne. Shame her father was a mere millionaire or he might have actually considered getting to know her better. Oh well. He supposed that she would do. Never mind the dirty magazines that Akito kept hidden under his bed. The women were all air brushed, pinched, and pulled beyond recognition. And the Lolita style his eldest asshole of a brother enjoyed- A.K.A five year olds with freakishly large boobs- left him pretty disturbed to say the least. If he was going to do this, he preferred it to be as realistic as possible. And if his calculations proved to be true, he would never see this girl or her impoverished, millionaire family again.

He slipped his hands into his boxers and massaged gently at first, his imagination expanding. Usa... Usu... Whatever her name was had just joined him in a pool filled... with money. Like Scrooge McDuck. Wait. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Scrooge McDuck wasn't sexy. Kyouya omitted Scrooge McDuck from his fantasy.

Alright. Usu- he would call her Usu- lay spread out beside him in beautiful bikini of U.S currency green. She slipped her fingers into the bottom half and suddenly... her father was there. He wanted to discuss- Nonononono! Her father couldn't be there! He growled to himself. This was all his bastard father's fault! Forcing him to be business minded all the ti- Ugh! Must not think of father while masturbating. Must not think of father while masturbating...

"I want you." She was such a naughty girl, whispering in his ear. Well, she would have to pay a price of course.

"A few business deals." he told her. "And perhaps a meeting or two."

"Done." she breathed, her slender fingers rapidly moving south, sultry amber eyes begging for-

"KYOUYA!"

"Shit!" he cursed, hands flying out from under the covers. His head snapped around toward the room entrance. A large, shadowy figure stood in the dimly lit hallway. It stepped inside and slammed the door.

"YOU!"

Kyouya grumbled and rolled over onto a fluffy white pillow to face quadruple paned windows.

"Don't you turn away from me!"

Kyouya stared out of the thick glass at a few billowing palms, the scantily clad Usu still fresh in his memory.

"I _demand_ you look at me!"

He let out an audible growl.

"Please?" the other boy squeaked.

Maybe if he looked at him, there was a possibility that he might babble gibberish quickly and leave even quicker. Kyouya slowly turned onto his other elbow, already regretting the move.

"What is it, Tamaki?" he droned. "Did you finish your game?"

"Sooner than expected." The fifteen-year-old blonde trembled in anger as he walked across the room and smacked both palms face down at the foot of the bed. "Thanks to you!"

"Oh," Kyouya frowned in badly feigned innocence. "Did I ruin it?"

"Oh, did I ruin- you know you ruined it, you jerk!" the two-years-more-excusable version of the virgin scolded him. "I just spent three hours searching for you, asshole! I thought you had been captured by ninjas! Bastard! Asshole! Jerk!"

"... Anymore derogatory names you want to call me before I kick you out?" Kyouya yawned and crossed his arms. "Or were you done?"

"Of course I'm not done!" Tamaki boomed, unable to keep the tears from rising in the pits of his eyes. "I was so worried! I'm never playing games with you ever again!"

"Thank God."

"What?"

"Forget it."

"You were supposed to be IT!" Tamaki paced back and forth frantically, hand gestures and movements wild. "That means, while the staff and I ran and hid, you were supposed to count to ten- at a slow, even pace- before coming looking for us! You weren't supposed to go hide in the off limits area!"

"Ah..." Kyouya nodded, pretending as if he'd actually been listening. "This area was off limits?"

"You were the one who said it was!"

"I was 'It'?"

"I told you you were it!" the boy whined. "Several times!"

"You know I don't listen to a word you say, Tamaki."

"Bu- I..." Blubbering.

A sigh. "I was kidding." Not.

The blubbering stopped and the blonde sat Indian style at the edge of the bed facing his best friend, all of his former frustrations vanished. "Hey Kyouya?"

Kyouya grunted in acknowledgment.

"What were you doing when I came in?"

He drew a sharp intake of breath and quickly composed himself before the surprise could reach his features. "Sleeping. What did it look like?"

Tamaki propped his elbow on his knee and cradled his chin against his palm. "Your hand was moving."

Kyouya gulped as those inquiring amethyst eyes bored into him.

"Under the covers."

He cleared his throat, annoyance creeping onto his features. "I was scratching my leg. Haven't you ever scratched anything in your sleep before?"

"Oh, I see." Tamaki gazed down thoughtfully. Kyouya frowned. What the hell was he thinking? "And no. I don't scratch my beautiful skin if I can help it." the boy went on to explain. "Not that it itches much in the first place." He eyed his friend sternly. "You shouldn't scratch your skin, Kyouya. You should rub softly. And there are creams you can buy for that itch. Should I tell your par-"

"No!"

"Eh?" Tamaki jumped.

"No, Tamaki." He took in a deep breath to calm his rumpled nerves. What did he care if Tamaki knew he masturbated? He probably did the same thing. No one was an angel, after all. But after that nightmare... it was the last thing he wanted to discuss. "Just get out."

"Huh?" Tamaki pouted. "But I just got here!"

"Not tonight." He fell back and closed his eyes. "I'm sleepy."

"But last night, you didn't go to bed until five!" the blonde argued. "You_ can't_ be sleepy!"

Kyouya opened his eyes just enough to form two angry, narrow slits. "But you woke me up at nine, Tamaki. Did you forget?" He wouldn't be surprised if he had. He'd hit him hard enough.

"Mon ami!"

"Oh, please, don't call me that."

"But what will I do?"

"The staff?"

"They didn't believe my theory that ninjas had kidnaped you so they went to bed."

Smart. "Fuyumi? You two seem to get along well." Disgustingly well.

"She's out with friends."

"My brothers?"

"Er..." Tamaki scratched at the back of his golden head. "I think they're really drunk."

Of course.

"Oh pleeeeeaaaase, Kyouya can I stay with you?"

"No."

"I'll be quiet!"

"No."

"Please?" Something strange was happening to Tamaki's eyes.

Kyouya squinted in curiosity. They were contorting. They were reforming now. They were... ah, dammit. Fucking... puppy dog eyes. He covered his own with the back of his arm. He would never fall for that again...

"Hey, that's cheating!" Tamaki pried at his arm and he smacked him away.

"You can't stay in here, dumbass!" he snarled. "Now get out before I get angry."

Tamaki swallowed. If _this_ wasn't anger, he wasn't quite sure if he wanted to see what angry was. "Okay." He stood from the bed and began to slump away in a rather slow fashion. Every once in a while, he would glance back with puppy dog eyes just in case his best friend was looking.

Finally, he stopped just short of the door. "Kyouya?"

Grunt.

"I hope I wasn't too much trouble over the last six days."

No comment.

...

Grunt.

"And I don't mean to be a bother." He reached back, fingers nervously treading through his silk, blonde locks. "I just didn't... I really don't..."

Kyouya's eyes shot open. The fractured sentence hung thickly in the air, but he already knew the missing piece. He didn't have to finish. It was always obvious.

Tamaki didn't want to be alone. He never did. That was the reason for his being here after all. The second Suou Mansion was undergoing interior construction to fit its young master's tastes and the Ootori family had took pity on the boy, asking him to be their guest for the week. Or rather his father knew it would prove favorable in their relations with the Suous and Kyouya was grudgingly pulled along for the ride. So for the last week, he had played Tamaki's keeper. Or at least that's what it felt like. And now, here the boy was moping before him like a lost puppy about to be put out in the rain. He wondered how Tamaki behaved when he was alone. Was he angry at his family situation? Did he ever doubt his optimistic outlook? View the world through cynical eyes? Would he cry? Would he _truly_ cry? Kyouya grimaced. His icy barrier was rapidly melting into but a puddle beneath him.

"Fine." he breathed reluctantly. "You can stay."

"AHH!" Tamaki gushed, smile growing by the milli-second. "KYOUYA!"

"Wait!" Kyouya held a hand up and he froze in mid-bear hug. "Don't make a sound."

"OKAY!" Tamaki blared and he flinched.

"That was a sound," he hissed, but Tamaki wasn't listening. He watched as the blonde twirled out of the room whispering an excited "Be right back!" With that, he disappeared down the hallway, humming a jovial 'Alouette' all the while.

Kyouya frowned. How stereotypically French... Yawning, he sank into the fluffy pillow, eyelids closing over. If he was lucky, Tamaki would be distracted by something big and shiny ten doors down and entertain himself alone for the rest of the night. Oh, if only he could be so lucky. But as expected, the idiot returned thirty minutes later with silky, blue pajamas in place of his jeans and demonic teddy bear in tow.

"Kyouya?" Poke. "Are you asleep?"

He considered pretending. "I would be if it wasn't for all the noise you were making down the hall." he answered honestly, eyes still closed. "And don't touch me."

"You heard me singing?"

Unfortunately.

"I used to sing for my mother all the time." he went on. "She loved it of course."

He sincerely doubted that.

"Ah, Kyouya!" The bed dipped and cranked. "This is going to be so much fun! Like a commoner's sleepover! We'll play games and-"

"Tamaki?"

"Yeah?" he answered excitedly.

"Remember that part about not making a sound?"

"Yeah."

"You can start now."

"Kay."

Kyouya sighed and continued on his course to a dreamland that was hopefully cocaine and Tamaki free. Well... maybe a little cocaine.

A low, joyful tune started up on the other side of the bed.

"No humming."

Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak.

"No bouncing."

Whiiiiiiiirrrrr.

"No vibrating commoner toothbrushes."

Silence fell over the room once more. Kyouya burrowed his head deeper into the fluffy pillow. And to think he had actually taken that nightmare so seriously. As if he could ever truly harbor any feelings- sexual or otherwise- for such a fool. Exhaustion had made him delusional and that was all there was to it. A small involuntary chuckle escaped his lips.

"Kyouya?" an irritating voice invaded the sweet silence. "What's so funny?"

He started to roll over and tell him to shut the hell up, but something stopped him abruptly in mid-turn. Tamaki washed over his senses like an unexpected tidal wave. Everything was _too close_ from the creamy, pale skin, tiny water crystals still clinging to his collarbone to the foolish, yet dangerously hypnotic eyes. He could even pick up the soapy yet cheap scent of his body wash (probably a commoner product) and to make matters worse, that bear was glowering at him from just below. In all honestly, it made Kyouya just a bit uncomfortable.

"This is a double King-sized bed."

"Yeah." Tamaki frowned and pulled the demon bear closer. "So?"

"So why are you suffocating me?" he growled, yanking a sheet out from under the blonde so that he was forced onto_ his _side of the bed. "I never said you could share this bed anyway. Why didn't you have another brought in?"

The blonde laughed impishly. "What's the matter?" he smirked, eyes taunting. "Afraid you won't be able to restrain yourself in the presence of this beautiful body?"

"... Excuse me?" Kyouya blinked. If his memory served him well, by Law of the Straight Man, that was totally _uncool_. Straight guys did not say things like that to other straight guys, teasing or not. It was an unwritten rule since kindergarten. You just. Didn't. Do it. "What...?"

"I couldn't blame you." the daringly bold virgin went on, hands cradling his cheeks. "I wouldn't be able to resist myself either!"

A fuming Kyouya turned on his side again. It was a well known fact that Suou Tamaki was a narcissist and a flirt. He often flirted with teenagers, young women, middle-aged women, old women, a pre-schooler or two, animals, random mirrors, guys when they were interested, anyone who would listen really... But when it extended to himself, he had a bit of a problem with it. Especially now, when it made him feel so strange and uncomfortable... Was Tamaki even really straight? When he thought about it, he had never actually asked him. He had always accredited his flamboyance and spontaneous invasions of privacy to his foreign background. But what if he was actually bisexual? Kyouya fidgeted a bit with the pillow ends, anxiety rising in the pit of his stomach. Suddenly it was very difficult to get to sleep.

"Kyouya?" He nearly jumped at his own name. "Are you okay?"

After your shameless flirting? "I'm fine." he grumbled.

"Wanna play a game?"

Before slamming the idea, he weighed his options. He could either go with choice** A. **_Play Tamaki's Stupid Gam__e_ or **B. **_Stay up Wondering about the Sexual Orientation of the Guy Sleeping Next to Him_.

He supposed that the former would do, considering that he was becoming less and less fond of being left to his own thoughts and devices.

"Okay."Sigh. "I'll play." He hoisted himself up against the headboard and retrieved his glasses from the bedside table. "What are we playing?"

Tamaki's eyes lit up. "Let's pillow fight! Like commoners do!"

"No."

"Let's race!"

"No."

"Let's have a dance off!"

What the hell? "No."

"You keep shooting down all of my ideas!"

_That's because they're all stupid_. He crossed his arms. "Something that doesn't require me to move please."

"Ah... okay." Tamaki smiled a genuine smile and he felt himself mirroring it. In the end, of course, his signature scowl won over.

"Let's play the question game!"

"The question game?"

Tamaki nodded. "I'll ask you a question that you have to answer. Then you ask me a question!" He propped himself against the headboard next to his best friend and lifted his forefinger in certainty. "It's a great way to build on our growing friendship!"

Kyouya grimaced. He wasn't sure if he wanted to build on any ship where Tamaki was concerned. But then, he supposed he wouldn't have to worry about blackmail. Tamaki would never do that. And he could gain some interesting information about the boy to put away for future reference. He reached across the bed to pull his notebook from a black briefcase lying at the side. This-at the least- would get his mind off of the nightmare and the flirting. And perhaps help to ease that bothered feeling in his gut.

"Eh?" Tamaki stared at the notebook. "What's that for?"

"Nothing." he answered nonchalantly. "Pretend it isn't here."

Tamaki gave him a questioning look, but decided to proceed with the game anyway. "Okay, I'll go first!" Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. He bounced. "Have you ever been attacked by a ninja? I mean a real ninja?"

Kyouya face palmed. Well, this was a once track mind if he'd ever seen one. "What is it with you and ninjas?" he glared. "I told you, your father was just teasing you. The only ninjas you'll find here are on movie sets."

"That liar..." Tamaki trembled in rage. It couldn't be true. There had to be ninjas. There had to be!

"Is it my turn?" Kyouya sighed.

"Oh yeah." Tamaki's forlorn expression suddenly vanished, his undivided attention focused on Kyouya.

"Has your dad mentioned any business deals or meetings over the past-"

"No, Kyouya!" Tamaki cut in, eyes flooding with emotion. "You can't use this game for that!"

"For what?" Kyouya shrugged. "You said no matter what the question, you have to answer it. So answer it."

"But that's not fair!" The levies broke. It was a wonder he didn't dehydrate himself daily. "This is about strengthening our ties and getting to know each other better!"

"I am-"

"Not getting to know my father's company better!"

"Fine."

"If you're not going to play right-!"

"Are you gay?"

"- then you can just...what?" Tamaki blinked.

"Or bisexual?" Kyouya tried to suppress the blatant impatience in his tone.

Tamaki cocked his head, expression unreadable. "Isn't it obvious?"

"No, not really."

He pouted. "I like girls, Kyouya!"

"Girls on-"

"Girls only!"

Kyouya felt a sense of relief rising in his chest. So he wouldn't have to worry about Tamaki accosting him in his sleep after all. He smirked. It had been a ridiculous concern in the first place, but there was something else. Slight vexation maybe? No. That was completely irrational. For what reason did he have to be vexed? He was probably just tired. But then there was still that inexplicable pinching in his gut.

"Do I really come off that way?" He was still pouting.

"It's your foreign charm, Tamaki." A play to his ego would hopefully get him to shut up. "Your turn."

It worked. "So," Tamaki slid down from the headboard and lay on his stomach, arms cradling his chin. "How did you get into drugs?"

Kyouya, who'd been half expecting some harebrained inquiry about geishas or nonexistent Japanese folklore, was caught a bit off guard to say the least. He leaned back, arms still folded, eyes staring out at something Tamaki couldn't see.

"I guess my brothers got me into it." Sometimes he wondered if Yuuichi had done it on purpose. "It was about three or four years ago. That's when my father started cracking down on me harder than usual." He adjusted his glasses upon the bridge of his nose, a nervous coke- related habit that he'd found impossible to kick. "I knew it was bad, but it's easy to give in when you feel like you've been pushed into a corner. It made me feel more... confident. And alive."

Tamaki gazed up at him with pensive eyes. "You didn't need it."

Kyouya scoffed. Well, he knew that _now_.

"You used to work too much." the blonde beamed. "You just needed an anti-drug." His eyes sparkled. "Like this new club! It's going to be-"

"Forget the club." He gave a wry grin. "I think I've found an anti-drug of my own."

Tamaki laughed and smiled knowingly. "And how's that going?"

"It's proving to be difficult." he sighed and closed his eyes momentarily. "But I think I'll come out on top." This newfound freedom and purpose had given him a peace of mind that he hadn't known before. It was like breaking free of chains or cages. Picture frames. Or closets.

"Well, when you do," the blonde teased, legs swinging in the air. "We can have a kotatsu party to celebrate!"

"Tamaki?" He averted grey eyes to gaze thoughtfully down on his new friend.

"Hm?"

_Thank you._

Whack. "Don't push it."

"Ow." Tamaki rubbed at the spot where he'd just been hit with an especially fluffy pillow. "You didn't have to-"

"It's my turn." he cut in. "When your father traveled to the U.S this past-?"

"Kyouya!"

"Fine." He cleared his throat, eyes mellowing a bit. "What was your mother like?"

"Hm?" It was Tamaki's turn to be caught off guard. "My mother?"

Kyouya nodded hesitantly. He didn't think that he'd said anything wrong. Tamaki often babbled on about what his mother would or could do if she were here. What harm could there be in asking about the woman?

"Ah," The blonde's smile widened as he turned to gaze out of the guest room windows. "She's amazing you know. She's kind and talented. And gorgeous of course- like me."

Kyouya rolled his eyes at the last part.

"I'll have to show you a picture tomorrow before I leave."

That was a shame because Kyouya already planned on staying as far away from Tamaki as possible the next day. But he was certain that he resembled his mother. After all, he hadn't gotten that hair and those eyes from his father. But wait, weren't those recessive traits? He groaned inwardly. Tamaki already defied several laws including that of the straight man and occasionally, gravity. Now he was defying everything he'd learned in Biology I? Kyouya glanced over to study the abomination against genetics suspiciously. It's features shone flawless beneath the moonlight, a far off look in its eyes. He couldn't help but wonder if his mother really was _that_ pretty. But wait. He frowned. By wondering that, wasn't he calling Tamaki pretty? Handsome would be the correct term, right? But then, all of the jealous jocks liked to call him a "pretty boy". And there was nothing rugged or abrasive about him, especially at this age- Shit! What did he care if Tamaki was pretty? So what? So he was pretty! Tamaki could be as pretty as he wanted to be!

"Kyouya, are you-"

"Shut up!" he growled and Tamaki shrank away. He was becoming progressively tired which led to pondering stupid things. Yes. That was it. "Your turn."

"Kay." The blonde patted lightly at his lips with the tip of his index finger and Kyouya avoided musing over how full they appeared under the pale light.

"Have you ever kissed a girl?"

Kyouya raised an eyebrow at him. "You're kidding, right?" What fifteen year old boy _hadn't_ kissed a girl?

"No." Tamaki seemed a bit put off. "Why would I be?"

He scowled. Was he trying to imply that he was too much of technology geek, diary keeping nerd, who spent too much of his time crunching numbers and building connections to do anything fun? Well, that might have been _somewhat_ true. But not in this case.

"No, never." He responded, testing the blonde's reaction. No laughter. The idiot believed him. "Of course, I've kissed a girl, you dumbass."

Tamaki ignored the insult. "Really?" Hugging his pillow and Kuma-chan against his chest, he stared curiously at the darker haired boy, eyes wide. "What was she like?"

Er... "Which one?"

"Which one?" Tamaki's eyes narrowed. "How many have there been, Kyouya?"

Kyouya's brow wrinkled in thought. "I'm not sure."

"Have _you _fallen in love so many times? I would have never guessed-"

"I've never been in love."

Gasp. "Then..."

"I was just having fun really."

Tamaki looked as if he'd had a run in with a rather large stick of chalk.

"Or rather what the morons I go to school with see as fun." he explained. "When I feel like it, it's fine of course but other times, it's just annoying."

Tamaki made a low deflating sound.

"But it's important to cover every base. If I was going to establish myself as knowledgeable about such things, I had to put myself out there. Just enough to fit in and perhaps be admired, but not to cross the line. Like those Hitachiin twins you keep raving on about."

"Kyouya..." Tamaki started in a shaky tone. "It sounds like you've done way more than just kiss."

Well, duh. "That's the point of kissing, right?"

"Huh?"

"To get to second base?"

"No way!" Tamaki's head shot up, face flushing with color again. "A kiss means so much more than that! Something so passionate-"

"Save it for your fan club." Kyouya yawned. "Not that any of them actually believe the chivalrous crap you spew out daily." He sent him a sideways glance. "Do _you_ even believe it?"

"Of course I do!" Tamaki gushed in frustration. "My turn again!" And before Kyouya could even argue that the question had not been part of the game, he went on. "Have you actually ever... like... you know..."

"_What_?"

"Done it?"

"Had sex?"

"Yeah." Tamaki pressed his palms over the demon bear's ears. "That."

"Yes, Tamaki." Kyouya said sternly. "Several times. Can we move on?"

"Oh." The blonde stared into space for a while before blinking at him. "When did you lose it?"

Kyouya grimaced. What was this? A new strange hobby of his? Invading his sex life? He decided to humor the boy, just because he had nothing better to do. Definitely **not** because he had deep rooted, serious problems concerning his sexual past and longed to share them. _Definitely_ not.

"Almost two years ago."

"How?"

He leaned back, eyes searching the crack free ceiling for nothing in particular. "I was in Italy that summer. I had just met with the daughter of an important business associate. Her mother owned a hotel nearby."

"Ah..." Tamaki interjected, eyes large as saucers. "You didn't love her?"

"Of course not." He scowled. "We'd just met."

"Did you_ like_ her?"

"Not really." He frowned. "She was damn irritating. Expecting me to pay for lunch, dinner. That diamond necklace..." Just the memory of it disgusted him. "She was captain of her gymnastics however." He smirked to himself. "Very flexible."

Tamaki mouth hung open and Kyouya cocked an eyebrow. This was the part where he was supposed to praise him and match it with a conquest of his own. Right? Isn't that what it was like to have a close guy friend? He'd never experienced it, but that's what he'd gathered from observing his peers. Wasn't that normal? Why couldn't Tamaki be normal? He was sure that the blonde had hundreds of escapades that he would be more than willing to share.

"I-" Tamaki seemed to have found his voice. "Is that why you gave your virginity to her?"

Kyouya snorted. "Gave it to her? I didn't give her anything." He sighed. "Virginity and virtue. It's all overrated. Sex comes from nothing but primal instincts and it should be treated as so."

"Th-That's not-"

"But no." Kyouya ignored the interruption. "That wasn't the only reason." He adjusted his glasses again and the mysterious, unseen light caught both lenses. "Her mother was considering investment in many of our overseas facilities and she very much valued the opinion of her daughter."

Tamaki swallowed audibly. "Y-You did it for business?"

"Mostly."

"D-Did your father know?"

"Know?" Kyouya turned to look at him as if he'd asked an incredibly stupid question. "Of course, he knew. He _encouraged_ it. We reaped some very satisfactory benefits from that dealing."

Tamaki just continued to gape at his best friend.

**SERIOUS PROBLEM #6: **_Kyouya whores for the money. Among other things._

No, Yoshio Ootori didn't care about _how_ he managed his business. Only that he did so effectively, whether that meant slaughtering the competition or pimping out his thirteen year old son. You wouldn't find the youngest heir to the Ootori throne working any street corners. He doesn't sell himself short, but he does sell himself. And often.

"What?" Kyouya glared down at Tamaki, as he could barely stand the look he was giving him anymore. Was that _sympathy_? Why should anyone feel sympathy for _him_? Just because he'd prostituted himself a little. It wasn't as if he hadn't enjoyed himself while doing it! And surely Tamaki wasn't _that_ surprised. These stories were familiar among people of their status- adults and teenagers alike. The blonde probably had a few skeletons in his closet as well.

"Kyouya..." Tamaki breathed, his compassion becoming more and more unbearable. "I'm sorry."

_Sorry? _"What are you apologizing for?" he snapped, eyes fiery behind the glass. "Stop playing innocent. Like you're a virgin or something."

"Er..." Tamaki suddenly dropped the sympathetic expression to regain his usual idiot face. "Well, I..." He scratched nervously at his bangs.

"_What?_" Was his sex life so embarrassingly disturbing that he'd suppressed it from memory?

"... the thing is..."

Or...

"... I kind of-"

"Oh my God..." Kyouya's eyes grew slightly larger than usual as he reached up to position his glasses. "You _are_, aren't you?"

"... yeah." Tamaki was, all of a sudden, very interested in the dark, wooden headboard's mundane design. "Is that..." He sent a nervous sideways glance at Kyouya. "Is that weird?"

"Well," Kyouya blinked, still fazed. "Yes."

A metaphorical arrow shot through the blonde.

"For you anyway." he went on, forefinger curled underneath his chin. "You're better with girls than I am." It was unfair, really... "So when you're doing all that flirting, those come ons about making love, you actually have no idea what you're talking about?"

"Shut up!" Tamaki bellowed, cheeks scarlet red. "I have an idea! I've seen movies and stuff!"

"The car scene in Titanic doesn't count, Tamaki."

Tamaki winced.

"You know the girls at school would be crushed if they found out, right?"

His eyes flooded with fear. "You're not going to_ tell_ them, are you?"

"Of course not." Where would that leave the profit he planned on making from the Host Club? "But _why_?"

"Well," Tamaki squeezed Kuma-chan tightly, arms still wrapped over his head so that it "couldn't hear." "You should only have sex with a woman when you truly love her. Anything else would be an insult to her as a lady. That's what my mother told me."

"That's an outdated approach." Kyouya gave him a look. "What if she doesn't care if you love her or not? What if she's interested no matter what?"

"Well, I mean..." Tamaki placed one hand to his chest in a dramatic motion. "_Look_ at me, Kyouya. Who _wouldn't _be? It's up to _me_ to think reasonably for them."

He should have known there would be some moronic explanation.

"And with all of this beauty is it really fair to give it to just one person? Of course, I couldn't possibly give it to everyone even if I tried so isn't it best to just-"

"Okay, okay." He cut off the teenage Narcissus. "I get it."

"But Kyouya?"

"Hm?"

"Uh..." He seemed uneasy, as if he feared God would come down and smite him for whatever was about to leave his mouth. "What does it... feel like?"

Kyouya's brow furrowed as he gazed downward in thought. He'd never had to answer that question before. He had wondered about it, of course, before he'd lost his virginity, but once the task was done... "It feels... good."

"Well, I _know_ that!" Tamaki groaned. "Can't you be more specific?"

Kyouya sighed tiredly, his mind searching for words to explain. It was difficult really. Sex was like nothing he'd ever felt before. There was nothing to pair it up to, but the act itself. He thought about his first time. The second, the third. The heat, the sweat. Wild, uninhibited body movements. A building crescendo and deep satisfaction. For him anyway. He felt a sudden pang beneath his waist. Dammit.

"Is it really that hard to explain?" Tamaki was whining again.

Kyouya looked up at him, only to notice that he had moved far too close again. Or at least it felt that way. He could practically feel the warmth radiating off of his body and it didn't help matters that his scent was trapped within the sheets. Crap. Why did he even bother trying to explain to this idiot? Now, he had to rid his mind of anything sexually related.

"This is stupid." he scoffed. "You'll find out one day." _When and if you choose to let go of your foolish ideals._

"Why can't you tell me now?" More whining.

Kyouya started to slap him with a pillow again, but he didn't really care to close the space between them. He might start wondering what if felt like to slip his fingers through those golden tresses or what was hidden underneath that silky, loose pajama shirt. He adjusted his glasses roughly enough to lay pinkish dents on either side of his nose. _What's the hell is the matter with you?_ He asked himself. _Tamaki already said he wasn't gay. You have nothing to worry about._ But deep down, he knew that it wasn't Tamaki's sexual orientation, but rather his own that troubled him at the moment.

"Kyouya?"

The pangs expanded. He decided to avert his attention to Kuma-chan, whom gladly scowled evilly back at him.

"Are you feeling-"

"I'm going to bed." He abruptly rolled over as far as he could comfortably position himself in the opposite direction. Placing his glasses on the side table, he reached to pull the sheets up around his shoulders. "You can leave if you want," he put in, hopefully.

"No, I'll stay."

Oh, goody.

He heard cranking and squeaking on the other side of the bed, each movement causing a few more twinges below his abdomen, until they finally settled down. The two boys lay in a thick silence with the exception of a gentle breeze billowing outside of the windows. Minutes passed and the digital clock at the bedside eventually read 1:00 AM. Tamaki breathed in soft, rhythmic patterns. He was probably sleeping. Kyouya, however, feared that he might never get to sleep. Let alone find the energy to wake up that morning. The pangs in his loins had grown to an excruciatingly swelling point. He would have to do something about them. As discreetly as he could manage, he cranked his neck to make sure that Tamaki was sleeping. The blonde lay stretched out on his back, expression uncharacteristically serene yet... stupid. Well, at least he was asleep. Turning back onto his side of the bed, he quietly slipped a hand through the covers and into his boxers. Normally, he would attempt to sneak away to a bathroom, but Tamaki seemed to have a built in radar for that sort of thing and a GPS locator to boot. Perhaps a marauders map of sorts. Kyouya often wondered if he'd bugged him with a tracking device. But whatever Tamaki used to keep tabs on him didn't matter at the moment. He would solve this problem, go to sleep, wake up and spend the entire day eradicating the last three hours from memory. Letting out a deep sigh, he closed his eyes and once again, Usu appeared. No father. No Scrooge McDuck. No words this time. Just actions. She explored him with curious hands, soft, savory lips, exquisite violet eyes. Wait. Usu didn't have violet eyes. Shit! He kicked Tamaki out of his fantasy land and proceeded on. Usu tried hard. She tried exceptionally hard. But something was still missing. Something, or rather the absence of something, was keeping him three strokes short of a climax and, to his misery, he knew exactly what it was. He'd been suppressing it for minutes now and he had absolutely no intention of letting it back inside of the gate. It could whine however much it wanted. It could stomp and cry and make those pitiful puppy eyes. He would never give in. Still, he wondered what it would feel like to have it sprawled beneath him, writhing and whimpering in ecstasy, its perfect features flushing with the sweetest crimson red. Kyouya let out a low groan of pleasure and he hated himself for it.

"Kyouya?"

His eyes shot open in alarm.

"What are you doing?" a sleepy voice yawned. "Are you scratching yourself again?"

And before he could even think to reply, he had been attacked by an overzealous blonde.

"Tamaki!"

"You can't keep that up." Tamaki straddled him. "Show me where it itches!"

"No!"

"The doctor said drug withdrawal symptoms sometimes masquerade as itchy patches." He took the darker haired boy by the arms to calm him. "And you were moaning like you were in pain."

Pain couldn't have been farther from the truth. "Get out!"

"Shhh. Does it hurt that bad?" Tamaki leaned forward. "Maybe we should call-" That's when he bumped into something he shouldn't have. "What's this?" Poke. Poke.

Kyouya swallowed hard. Tamaki's breath caught in his throat. They stared at each other for a few awkward moments.

"Oh." Tamaki fell back and scrambled onto his side of the bed, eyes still questioning.

Kyouya glowered at him. Because that's how he handled extreme embarrassment. By glowering.

Nervous laughter. "Um..." Tamaki gathered Kuma-chan in his arms, still eying his best friend strangely. "Maybe I actually _should_ just g-"

"Wait!" Kyouya seized him by the wrist. What gave this commoner obsessed, ninja believing, pea sized brained_ idiot_ the right to look at him as if _he _were the weird one? His anger sizzled when he saw Tamaki staring at his hand as if it were diseased. "Like you've never done it before!"

"Well..." Kyouya's eyes widened at what he guessed the boy was about to say. He had to be kidding him.

"My grandmother said, every time you masturbate, a fairy dies."

Well, he hadn't guessed that exactly. "Your _grandmother_?"

"On my mother's side."

"And you believed her?"

"Well no..." Tamaki bit at his thumb in thought. "And yes."

So he believed it in the same way some adults still believed in Santa Claus or vampires. Typical Tamaki. Holding on to childish ideals. But there was bound to be _some _darkness under that milky white surface.

"So you've never jerked off?"

"No..."

"Or had sex?"

"_What of it?_"

"Calm down." He peered at him through the dim light, thankful to the darkness for concealing any hidden desires in his eyes. "Not even oral?"

"No."

"Handjobs?"

"_No_."

"Fingering?"

"No!" Tamaki snapped, eyes wild. "Why does it even matter, Kyouya?"

He only sighed. How strange. Maybe his mother really had kept him in a box. With surveillance. "Well, the girls won't like it."

"So they don't have to know!" Tamaki heaved. "We talked about this earlier. And I don't see what the big deal is anyway. Just because I'm far too noble to whore myself out like..." he trailed off.

Kyouya's temple bulged. "Like who, Tamaki?"

"Nevermind..."

"Like _me_?"

"Well..." Tamaki's eyes softened again. "No! I didn't mean to call you that. Even though, you did act like one and I personally would never subject myself to..." Blah blah blah. He went on and on and Kyouya grew angrier and angrier. Tamaki's narcissism was nothing new, but this time, he was doing a number on his pride. And it wasn't as if Tamaki was a saint. Somewhere underneath that halo was something just as corrupt and human as you'd find in any living being. There was a fine line between harsh reality and the delusional world Tamaki lived in. He wondered just how far the blonde needed to be pushed before he crossed boundaries.

"... and they ask for more. Do they think it's easy being this beautiful? I mean of course most of it is natural good looks, but the other ten percent-"

"Have you ever been kissed?" Kyouya asked, eyes fixated on the blonde's full lips.

"Huh?" Tamaki seemed dazed, as if coming out of some egomania induced trance. "Yeah."

"Your mother doesn't count."

"_Actually_, it wasn't my mother." he muttered stiffly. "I had my first kiss three years ago."

Now that was an ironic surprise. "What kind of kiss?"

"What do you mean what kind of kiss?" Tamaki leaned one shoulder against the headboard, Kuma-chan clutched tightly to his chest. "It was a kiss."

"Did you use tongue?"

"_No_," Tamaki scowled. "It was a normal kiss." He beamed with nostalgia. "She was a beautiful girl. My mother taught her piano. One spring day, we took a stroll in my favorite rose garden. We stopped among the swings, lightly swaying in the breeze-"

Kyouya checked to make sure he wasn't reading from a Teleprompter before sighing in boredom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He hadn't asked for the sickeningly sweet fairy tale excerpt.

"So you've never French kissed?"

"_You_ asked if I'd ever kissed-"

"_So_ you've never _French_ kissed?"

"... no."

He sneered, frustration getting the best of him. "You're from _France _and you've never-"

"Shut up!" Tamaki cried, eyes dampening. "You just wouldn't understand because_ you're_-"

Another crack tore across Kyouya's pride. He turned on him with venomous eyes. "What if someone finds out that you don't know how?"

"Then I just won't kiss anyone!"

"Good luck with that."

For the first time, Tamaki seemed a bit unsure. "Well, it can't be that hard, could it?" Poor Kuma-chan was being suffocated now. "I could do it."

"You've never even _tried_." Kyouya challenged as he leaned in closer, his former fears forgotten in his own spite.

"That doesn't mean anything!"

"It means everything."

"I could french kiss someone right now and it would be the best she's ever had!"

"Now you're just being ridiculous."

"I_ know_ what I'm doing!"

"_Prove it._"

And that's when Tamaki did something unexpected. He lunged forward, squeezed both eyes shut and pressed his lips against Kyouya's. Kyouya's body froze at first before melting in a slow tremor. He responded to Tamaki's tongue against his, slowly in the beginning. Then greedily. Hungrily. His fingers traveled upward, snaking their way through those golden strands, soft and silky beneath his touch.

"There." Tamaki suddenly pulled away, flushed and breathless. "Is that proof enough?"

"No." Kyouya uttered quickly before capturing his lips again. Somewhere inside of his head, common sense was begging him to reconsider. But that was nothing compared to the burning, aching desire flaring over every inch of his body. So savage. So _human_.

"Kyou-mmmph!"

Tamaki tasted like... toothpaste. Kid's Colgate to be exact. A commoner favorite. Kyouya only knew because he'd tried it once on a fifth grade dare. He wondered if Tamaki had any notion of the damage it could cause to his "perfect" teeth.

"Mmmph!"

_Idiot. You shouldn't have done something so stupid in the first place. Maybe this will teach you not to be so impulsive._

"Kyouya!" Tamaki finally wrenched away, his breathing heavy. "What are you doing?"

"_You_ kissed _me_." he growled in impatience.

"You said prove it!"

"So?" Kyouya asked, toying with the buttons on his silk blue pajama top. "You going to do _everything_ I tell you?"

"But-" A button came loose.

"Would you jump off of a bridge if I told you to?" Kyouya asked before moving in again.

"No!"

_Pity_.

"Wait. Wait! WAIT!" Tamaki took him harshly by the shoulders. "Don't you have enough proof?"

"Practice makes perfect." he breathed, catching him by the lips again. Tamaki fell into a confused silence, body tense, eyes bewildered. He flinched as something hot and wet trailed over his neck. His grip loosened and Kyouya took it as cue to press further.

"Whoa!" Tamaki suddenly gasped at the feel of fingers playing where they didn't belong. "What are you doing?"

Kyouya didn't answer, his hand sinking beneath the silky, blue waistline. He grasped something warm and not entirely soft before giving it a firm, yet agonizingly slow under stroke.

Tamaki let out a cry of surprise and jerked in the opposite direction, his back slamming up against the wooden headboard. Kyouya's fingers repeated the movement and a small, choked noise escaped his throat. "We..." he started, features twisted in distress and perhaps something else. "We can't... Why-"

"Because you wanted to know how it felt." Kyouya explained, dryly. He almost wished it were true. That sorry excuse. If only he could honestly reason that he was doing this for educational purposes. Not because he actually _wanted_ to ravish his best friend. Kiss him. Touch him. Make him squirm.

And squirming he was. "B- But the fairies-" Tamaki half-moaned, half-whined.

"Fairies aren't real, Tamaki."

This awe inspiring breakthrough, apparently, had never occurred to him, as he fell silent. Though he couldn't ponder much on the subject with Kyouya touching him like that. He looked as if he might follow up with something equally retarded, but he closed his mouth again, teeth biting at his lower lip, skin flushed. Kyouya was almost convinced that he'd permanently shut up, when suddenly, Tamaki reached out and took him firmly by the wrist.

"Kyouya..." he started, his voice trembling with something he couldn't repress or contain. His eyelids fell heavier than usual over clouded amethyst eyes, the former brightness only a fading glint in the abyss. "This is _wrong_..."

_But you like it,_ Kyouya thought, darkly. He smirked. So Tamaki was human after all. There really was a fine line... "_And?_"

Tamaki just stared at him, lips slightly parted, expression unreadable.

Wasn't he going to shove him away? Tell him "no"? Go off on one of his self-important lectures about good and evil? Right and wrong?

Tamaki said nothing.

Shouldn't he have been preaching by now? About purity and virtue? Correcting his promiscuous ways? Isn't that what Jesus would do? What any good little prince would do?

Still nothing.

Kyouya supposed he would give him one last chance to redeem himself. His fingers moved along his length massaging harder. Faster. Tamaki moaned, his grip weakening already.

"Do you want me to stop?"

Tamaki looked as if he'd just been asked to recite the entire Periodic Table in Arabic rather than a yes or no question. "I..." he started, conflicting emotions battling for command over his face. "I'm not gay..." he finally got the words out, no 'yes' or 'no' to be found.

"Neither am I." Kyouya breathed against his ear, lips trailing down his neck. What a pathetic picture this must have made. He could only imagine how ridiculously contradictory they looked. "Do you want me to stop or not?"

Tamaki turned his face away, cheek pressed against the headboard, his breathing coming out in short, labored pants.

"Tamaki?"

His head moved in a slight side to side motion. Just enough to affirm what could be taken as a 'no', which was enough for Kyouya. After all, he sure as hell wasn't screaming 'yes'. He continued in quick, forceful strokes and Tamaki continued to writhe under his touch. He pressed himself into it, wanting it. Needing it. But Kyouya wouldn't let him have all the fun. He took one of the blonde's hands, clenched tightly around a clump of sheets, and pressed it against his own member. Tamaki's eyes grew wide as he let out a low groan, a wave of constrained pressure releasing, relieving him.

Tamaki's hand fell limp and Kyouya scowled. Did he think he'd been doing this all for _him_? He took his hand again and cupped it underneath his length guiding it back and forth. Within moments, it seemed that (although shakily) Tamaki had gotten the hang of it when-

"Shit!" Kyouya doubled over in pain.

"Huh?" Tamaki looked as if he'd just been shocked out of a stupor.

"Not that hard!" he glared, eyes dark with a mixture of anger and lust.

"Sorry." Tamaki murmured, his expression betraying impatience at the sudden pause. He tried again, gentler this time, and Kyouya returned the favor, but not without vengeance. Leaning forward, he bit into the boy's collarbone, earning him a small cry that echoed shivers throughout his body. Their classmates would probably see it and assume he'd been messing around with one of _them_, putting off any dreadful virgin rumors waiting to be started. So this irritating habit of mixing business with pleasure had come in handy after all.

He pulled back a bit between groans, to study Tamaki, his back arched, golden tresses wild. A few strands clung to his sweat tinged skin, the rest spilling over his eyes. His beautiful features twisted, slackened and twisted again as Kyouya ripped moan after moan from those succulent lips. It was just as he'd envisioned. His unwanted fantasy come true. Only... the animalistic noises he was making were enough to draw anyone's attention and they were growing progressively louder.

"Kyouya-" he suddenly forced.

"Shut up!" he half-grunted. "_You're being too loud._"

He did. Which was a miracle in itself. If he'd known that this was all it took to tame the Suou's rambunctious heir, he would have tried it sooner. Or not.

Tamaki let out a strangled cry and he glared daggers at him.

"Stop making weird noises!"

He didn't. Well, it was fun while it lasted.

"Tamaki." he warned and the blonde clasped a hand over his mouth, producing an even stranger, muffled sound.

Kyouya groaned in a blend of pleasure and frustration. He refused to break the moment and duct tape his mouth shut. Tamaki wouldn't comply as well if he stopped jerking him off. And to top it off, some bizarre, twisted side of him actually_ liked _hearing him make those sounds. How was he supposed to play the responsible one when he was so completely turned on?

"I-" Tamaki trailed off, his voice dipping and Kyouya could only moan in response. That's when something warm and fluid splattered over his arm. Dammit. He hadn't expected Tamaki to come first. The blonde's hands selfishly fell back down to the covers and Kyouya wouldn't have normally let that go, but there were more pressing matters at hand. The cry that said idiot had delivered upon reaching climax was enough to wake up everyone in their branch of the estate. Which explained the rapidly approaching footsteps.

"You dumb ass!" Kyouya hissed scathingly. Tamaki seemed to have trouble gathering his basic verbal skills so Kyouya shoved him to get the gears running. "Someone's coming!"

"That's wha-" Tamaki started, breathing still labored. "That's what I was trying to tell you!"

"Get out!"

"Where-"

"I don't care! Just go!" He seized him by the wrist and dragged them both out of bed. Tamaki's knees hit the carpet. Apparently, his motor functions had failed him as well.

"What the hell is wrong with..." he quieted as the footsteps neared. A shadow passed over the small strip of light emanating from the hallway and stopped shortly at the door. They turned to gape at each other in unison. Kyouya was the first to find his voice.

"Hide!" he growled silently.

Tamaki's eyes darted about the room, wide and fearful. "Where?"

"Under the bed!"

"I can't squeeze under there!"

"... the window ledge-"

"No!" Tamaki snapped back. "A closet-"

"There is no closet!" He started to force Tamaki underneath the bed when his eye caught something sitting in the center of the room. Something large and hollow. Tamaki followed his gaze.

"... No."

"Yes." He pulled the him along the floor.

"I don't wanna!"

The doorknob started to turn.

"You're going in the wardrobe!"

"It's too small!"

"Tough!"

So Tamaki went, kicking and screaming, into the wooden box.

"Kyouya?" A soft, female voice called and he had just enough time to fling Kuma-chan into the wardrobe after him before flicking on the television and draping the covers around his shoulders. The door swung open and a pretty young woman stepped through, gentle eyes inquiring. Long, dark hair flowed down her back, the shade similar to his own. She wore an emerald green halter top with black, low-riding skinny jeans, the most intricately designed tramp stamp peeking out from the waistline.

"Fuyumi."

"I thought I heard you." She frowned, sweeping a rogue lock of hair from her face. "What are you doing in here?"

"Nothing." he responded evenly from his place at the foot of the bed, eyes glued to the wide screen. "Just watching TV." He flicked through channel after channel. "Nothing's on."

"You're watching TV?" she giggled. "That's not like you."

He grumbled to himself. Was it really so strange? "Dad's planning to make business deals with several of these networks. Did you forget?"

"Ah, right." She sighed, plopping down next to him. Dammit. "And you're sweating." Her eyebrows crinkled in concern. "Are you alright?"

"I was just doing a little exercise."

"And it smells kind of funny-"

"Fuyumi," he cut in, plastering on his best innocent-little-brother mask. "Did you go out clubbing tonight?"

"Huh?" She seemed taken a bit off guard. "Well, yeah."

"Dad won't like it." he replied, truthfully. "You should probably go change before he catches you dressed like that."

"Yeah, I know." She nodded, eyes downcast. The sorrow showed through and he felt a bit sorry for her. She would be engaged in less than a month to a man she hardly knew nor cared for. The union, however, would prove extremely beneficial where business was concerned and that was all Yoshio Ootori cared about. Fuyumi liked to cloak her unhappiness with the situation by mansion shopping and learning house wife chores, but when her shield was down, it wasn't terribly difficult to make out.

"Oh, look, Kyouya!" She suddenly perked up. "That commoner's food special is on!"

Deja Vu washed over him.

"I've been wanting to see this all week!"

He started to ask her to turn it off when a small creak came from the wardrobe.

"Hm?" She glanced about the room. "What was that?"

"Probably just the bed."

"Ah..." She seemed to accept this and they continued to watch the commoner's food special in silence.

"I should probably take notes." she whispered, more to herself than him and began to rummage through a small, black purse.

"Can't you watch this somewhere el-"

_Thunk_.

He slapped a hand to his forehead, fingers pressing into the skin.

"Er..." She turned to him with puzzled eyes. "I don't think that's the bed, Kyou-"

_Bump_.

"_Snap._" She jumped up from the covers. "What was that?"

Kyouya tried to appear less murderous. "I don't-"

"You don't think someone let a squirrel in?" Fuyumi stepped carefully around the room, peeking around dressers and then under the bed. Thank God he hadn't hidden him there.

"Let's go inform a guard." he volunteered, rising from the bed. "They'll take care of it."

"Are you su-"

"Of course." He quickened his pace toward the doorway. "I'm sure whatever it is will be _gone when we get back_."

"O... Okay." An uncertain Fuyumi fell into step beside him. "Let's hurry so we can catch the rest of that special."

Hurrying worked just fine for him.

"... Why are you wrapped in that cover?" she raised an eyebrow. "You cold or something?"

"A little."

You know, it's the funniest thing," she laughed. "I thought I heard your friend in here earlier. I could have sworn it was him."

"Really?"

"Where is he anyway?"

"I don't know, Fuyumi." He pulled the door open for her with a heavy sigh, expression blank. "Do you expect me to keep tabs on him at all ti-"

_Bam! _The wardrobe suddenly fell on its side, a pained shriek ringing from within.

"Oh, my God!" Fuyumi screeched, rushing forward.

"Wait, don't-" But it was too late. She'd already flung the wooden doors open.

"S- Suou?" She squinted in disbelief.

"Ouch." the blonde squeaked, violet eyes teary.

"Awwww." Kyouya groaned as her eyes flooded with compassion. "You poor baby! Come here." She helped the sniffling 5'10 foot boy out of the wardrobe and let him lean against her shoulder, despite the fact that he was inches taller. "Did big, bad Kyouya lock you in there?"

Kyouya simmered.

"Was he being mean to you?"

"Uh huh."

He glared into those accusing eyes. "He's not five, Fuyumi!"

"Leave him alone, Kyouya!"

Sigh.

"You've been mean to him the entire time he's been here, but this is going too far!"

"I-"

"You have no right to trap him in wardrobes and pretend he's not there!"

"B-"

"Just because he wants to be your friend." She turned back to Tamaki and her features flickered back to normal, all smiles. "You wanna come watch the commoner special with me?"

"Okay." He nodded, flashed those baby blues and she was sold. Kyouya watched in irritation as they strolled out of the room, in a very Mother-Son esque fashion. The demon bear lugged after them, it's evil black marbles burning into Kyouya as if to say '_I __**know**__ what you did thirty minutes ago_.' How very horror flick. Tamaki glanced over his shoulder and their eyes met for a split second, relieved at Fuyumi's ignorance, but still perplexed. And painfully awkward. Kyouya watched as the two disappeared down the hallway before falling back onto the bed, his mind running over the night's events.

That...

Was not supposed to happen.

He grasped fistfuls of dark hair and rolled over onto his side. Shit. The scent was still there. Heaving a heavy sigh, he followed the exotic palms as they swayed outside of the window. Perhaps if he never spoke of it again, he could pretend as if it never happened. And perhaps if he pretended long enough, he would actually be convinced.

* * *

"Tamaki?" He heard her call over the low drawling of the television, something about popular commoner nectars and fruits. Things he would usually be interested in.

"Hm?" His head snapped up, expression alert as he could manage, despite how faraway everything seemed.

"Are you okay?" The girl frowned from her place on the rosy, pink sofa. Her bedroom parlor was like a colorful painting with its daring shades and lamps- all actual antiques from commoner parades. So unlike the rest of the mansion. She held a cigarette between two fingers, the butt smoking with a spicy yet enticing scent. It was the first cigarette Tamaki could remember that didn't cause him to crinkle his nose in disgust.

"I'm fine, Fuyumi. Don't worry." He forced a shaky smile before returning his gaze to the same spot on a clear, glass table that he seemed to be so interested in.

"Sorry." She frowned. "I just thought you'd really like this part."

"I do," he murmured, obviously lying.

"You're not acting like yourself." She laughed nervously before taking another drag. "Did my brother _rape_ you or something?"

"Huh?" He whirled around, eyes wide.

"Eh," She gulped at his reaction. "I was just kidding."

"Oh..."

"You need to calm down." She massaged at his shoulders. "You're shaking."

"I'm okay."

"Here." She was rolling something small and white in her lap, the cigarette pursed between her lips. "Do you smoke?"

"No." He shook his head. "Cigarettes would hurt my skin."

"These aren't cigarettes." She made a face. "_Ew_."

Oh. "Well, I don't do drugs."

"Marijuana isn't really a drug, Tamaki." Fuyumi ruffled his golden bangs playfully. "It's not like what my brothers do. It's actually really good for you!" She lifted the joint she'd been rolling. "Here. Try it."

"Er... Really?"

"Yeah!" said the responsible adult in the situation. "My friend's doctor recommended it to her once!"

He blinked, questioningly at the stick.

"It'll help you relax." Her brow creased with worry. "You seem so tense."

He stared at it for a while longer before finally nodding. Once Pandora's box was open... "Alright." He took the joint, she lighted it, and thus began his very first coughing attack.

"Suou," she chided, half giggling. "You're not supposed to take it in like that. Just go slow at first, okay?"

"Kay." he muttered, falling back into his daze. The weed did help, but it didn't stop the hurricane of tumultuous emotions from roiling through chest. Loss. Confusion. _Anger_. _Why would Kyouya do something like that?_ It was all _wrong _and it didn't make any sense for him to... And Kuma-chan had seen everything! He couldn't even look at his beloved bear now! But then, he could have stopped it. Why didn't he stop it?

_Why didn't you stop it? _He inquired of himself. No answer. Groaning, he fell over onto the side of the sofa, his legs curled up.

"Tamaki?"

"Goodnight, Fuyumi."

"You're going to sleep?" she blinked. "Here?"

"Night."

She might have went on, but he couldn't hear her anymore. He didn't know _why_ one hour ago had happened or how he'd let bodily urges get the best of him. However, one thing was certain. It was _never_ happening again.

But it did happen again. Every once in a while. Through drunken moments at chaotic parties. In darkened hallways and lonely showers. With eager reluctance and other living, breathing oxymorons, it happened. But whether it be mutual masturbation, as Kyouya liked to call it, or a rather addictive mistake (his personal favorite), it had to stop eventually.

Unfortunately, old habits died hard.

* * *

"Get off!" The seventeen year old, not-so-virginal virgin's scream fell on deaf ears. "I'm serious!"

Kyouya didn't comply.

"I'm warning you!"

That, at least, earned him a snicker.

"I don't want to-" He suppressed an involuntary moan. "... have to..."

Lips pressed against his neck and he abandoned the more subtle approach, rearing back and sending an open handed slap against his best friend's mouth. Kyouya pulled back, aghast. He lifted a finger to his lips and they came back smeared with deep red. Tamaki ran his hands through his hair, roughly enough to pull it out, his eyes pained.

"I'm sorry."

"No." Kyouya spoke, still blinking at his fingers. "I'm sorry." He fell onto the writing desk chair, dazed. "I don't know what I was thinking."

"It was the drugs." Tamaki explained, although frankly, he wasn't entirely sure of that himself. Hoisting up from the bed, he started to dress again, gathering his things from the floor. Kyouya remained silent.

"Hey." Tamaki called. "I'm leaving."

Kyouya just nodded. Tamaki bit at his upper lip, guilt seeping into his eyes. "Do you want me to get a wet tow-"

"No."

"Alright." he replied before taking off again. Stopping just short of the door, he gave a hesitant look over his shoulder.

"Kyouya?"

"Hm?"

"I was serious." he spoke too somberly. It didn't become him. "About stopping, you know."

"I know that, Tamaki."

"... Take care of yourself, okay?"

"Yeah."

And with that, he walked out and shut the door behind him. Kyouya listened to the footsteps descending the stairs and, finally the sound of a second door closing shut. He sighed and pulled his black diary from the writing desk drawer. It always helped to calm his nerves. He ran his hands lightly across the leather binding.

Months had passed now since Tamaki first denied him, among other things, such as marijuana. He seemed to be having more trouble with the latter, however.

Kyouya's fingers roved through the various pages.

Months had passed and no one really knew the cause of this sudden burst of willpower.

He stopped at his Student Log.

_But Kyouya knew._

He scanned through the alphabetically arranged tabs and found the character he was looking for. He leafed through student after boring student, some familiar, others not important enough to garner a thought until his finger finally rested on the name. The reason for Tamaki's sudden change of heart.

_**SERIOUS PROBLEM #7:** Haruhi Fujioka_.

* * *

There used to be a lot more complaints from me on this chapter, but I took them all out. I went through and edited it a bit, but just a bit. Just so you know though, it was very hard to write and my first mature story ever, let alone **yaoi**. Hope you enjoyed (You should _**REVIEW**_ telling me your thoughts, yes? **:D**)

**

* * *

**The Next Chap: RENGE, obsessed anime/yaoi fan and lover of slutty cosplay, enters. And the rest of the Host Club returns (They were sorely missed.)**  
**


	8. Of Leather, Socks, and Pole Dancing

A/N: _**Sorry, it took so very long to update**_. School comes first and I went back in late January. I'm on Spring Break now so I've finally got time. However, the next chapter _**should not take this long**_ at all. Really sorry for the wait. I hope I didn't lose _everyone_ X.X

I _**edited last chapter**_ a little bit so if you want to go back and look at that you can. It's not really necessary though. By the way, a lot of my older reviewers didn't respond last chapter. Is that because I took so long to update or because you didn't like it? If you didn't like it, I would actually appreciate hearing your criticisms on it.

Anyway, there's not much to this chapter. It's starting the Renge arc. I would have added more to it, but it's already 4558 words and writing extremely long chapters (like the last) takes its toll on me_ and_ you. _Never again_.

* * *

It wasn't like they didn't enjoy showing off their goods. That's what a man whore was for, after all. But when it came to pussy cat tails and speedos so tight that an erection might cause penile dysfunction, it became a little, well... embarrassing.

"Hikaru." A short brunette in a glittery silver mini leaned against him, amber eyes sultry. A crowd of curious girls watched from behind, jealously crackling through the humid air like static electricity. "Are you going to pole dance again?" She pressed a yen note into his palm, her gaze traveling over every exposed inch of his body. Which was pretty much all of it. The envious crowd cheered in complete agreement. "Pole Dance" chants started up all around the area that was their assigned dancing stage. A thoroughly irritated Kaoru turned to his brother and he scowled in response. Okay. So introducing 'Coyote Ugly' to Tamaki hadn't been the _brightest _idea. But B movies were meant to be laughed at and ridiculed. How were they to know that the Host King would take it to heart and build an entire club event around it? Complete with leather. Was this payback for following '2 Girls 1 Cup' up with '4 Girls Fingerpaint' and 'Man Screws Horse'? It was all in good fun! They'd get him for this...

"Are you gonna pole dance or not?" Some annoying bitch called from the crowd, therefore ruining any future chance she may have had with them.

They, personally, didn't like pole dancing. Kaoru had already fallen on his head twice now trying to recreate one of those spiffy tricks that Tamaki had shown them in Male Stripping 101. Just exactly how the blonde had learned those tricks was a mystery to them, and one they weren't too keen on figuring out.

"Shit." Kaoru cursed, pulling at the thousandth leather wedgie that afternoon. "I can't take much more of this."

Hikaru knew the feeling. The pole wasn't as kind to the male anatomy as to its female counterpart. That had been his argument against Tamaki's "sacrifices must be made for the satisfaction of our customers" and the latter- as usual- won out in the end. Their dear vice president, whom they could usually count on for common sense, had been of no use at all save for being a total _asshole_ all day. Even more than usual. Fucking pricks. Honestly, what was this club coming to?

Kaoru hissed from beside him, his fingers massaging at reddish orange locks where a small lump was growing. Hikaru's former glare melted in sympathy and he placed a hand to his younger brother's chest, pushing him back against the dreaded pole.

"Hikaru? Wha-"

"Shh." He leaned in to whisper in his ear, softly, but audibly enough for their audience to make out. "You don't have to do anything, Kaoru." He hoisted himself up, straddling both the poll and his twin.

"Hikaru." Kaoru moaned, steadily falling into the routine.

"Don't worry." Hikaru smirked against his brother's lips. "This one's just for you."

And the crowd went wild.

* * *

Somewhere else, in a galaxy far, far away- or so it seemed that way to the bedazzled twincest fangirls- a very different set of fangirls gathered to watch the fuming Mori. That's right. Mori was _mad_. No. It wasn't because of a fallout with his lover and cousin, Haninozuka. The two had actually shared a beautiful night together, just hours ago. It wasn't because he was surrounded by a mass of hormonal, gaudily dressed whores who had nothing better to do with their afternoons than spend it gawking at a group of pretty boys who would in any other universe all end up being gay anyway. And It wasn't because Kyouya had been a total _asshole_ all day. Even more than usual. No, Mori was upset because someplace. Somewhere. Innocent cows had been murdered. An innocent cow was lying skinless upon the ground. And why? To provide lustful, horny teenagers with scantily, leather clad men to go home and masturbate to! Mori hung his head in disgrace at his fellow club members. For shame. He sighed and gave a weak smile down at his own outfit. It was pleather of course. Mori would never be caught _dead_ in cow hide.

"Whoooo! Mori!" A red head lacking in home training waved her yen notes high. "You look so damn hot!"

"Take it off, Mori-senpai!" The girls had long ago given up trying to convince the (Not so) Wild Type to pole dance. Now they just wanted to see him naked.

"YEAH!"

"Ah." Mori gave his usual half-assed response and folded his arms over his pleather tank, nearly cutting himself on one of the metal spikes that belted his matching pleather pants. He didn't know why they had insisted he wear so many sharp spikes. A spiked collar. A belt. A spike for an earring. Was this murder conspiracy?

"Mori-senpai!" A disappointed girl in a sparkling emerald mini dress frowned his way. "Where's Hunny-senpai? I haven't seen him."

Oh, right. Mori had been so caught up in his mourning for the thoughtless blood shed of innocent cows that he'd forgotten their stage's main attraction. Because it sure as hell wasn't him.

"Ahem." He took a group of notecards from his pocket, nearly snapping the pleather, and crawled onto the platform where a large, veiled object sat center stage.

"Prepare to amazed." Mori read in a very, uninspired, lackluster tone. "As Haninozuka Mitsukuni eats his way out of an entire lemon cake."

The crowd applauded excitedly.

"But first," Mori flipped to the next card. "A few words on animal cruelty."

Confusion slowly took its sway over excitement.

"Animals are people too." Mori said seriously. "They should be treated as so. Animals cry as we cry. Animals feel as we feel. Animals die and we die."

He flipped to another card.

"Animals are not ours to eat. Animals are not ours to _wear._**" **He took a second to glance coldly at the rest of the club. "Animals are not ours to experiment on. Animals are not ours to use for _entertainment purposes_. Animals are not ours to abuse in any way."

He flipped to the last card.

"P.E.T.A: People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Help us seal slaughter today." He stopped and gazed up at the bewildered crowd. Most gave him strange looks. Within a few seconds, a few girls were attempting to build a slow clap. It never really followed through though.

"And now," Mori cleared his throat. "Without further ado." He pulled the dark veil from over the object and the audience was presented with a large, beautifully decorated lemon cake. The stage area erupted with "Oooohs" and "Ahhhhs" at the fifteen pound cake, but it wasn't long before it had vanished before their eyes. In its place stood a deeply satisfied hobbit and a completely clear golden platter.

"Hunny-senpai!" An explosion of future pedophiles rushed forward.

"That was too cute, Hunny-senpai!"

"You were amazing!"

"Let me lick it off!"

"Usa-chan helped!" Hunny giggled, holding his pink, stuffed rabbit close. It matched his Playgirl Bunny speedos, which were thankfully not made from leather. Mori smiled. He could always depend on his cousin. Hunny smiled back... but inwardly... inwardly, he was experiencing quite a different roil of emotions. This one time wouldn't just suffice. The girls would want him to eat his way out of another cake... and then another cake... and then another... which he normally wouldn't have a problem with. But they were all lemon! Where was the strawberry? The chocolate? The coconut? Did they really expect him to eat lemon cake for the next hour and a half? And more importantly... why hadn't he been told of this the day before? If he'd known that he'd be eating double the amount of cake that he usually ate, he would have hired the proper lipo specialists! His standby lipo team was useless to him now! Useless! Growling, he turned his murderous glare on the perpetrator. The one responsible for it all.

Said perpetrator stood perched against the back wall in the shadows of the music room turned Strip Club. He had taken no part in the "festivities" today. Partially because he was too busy diary writing, but mainly because he was far too frustrated at the moment to deal with a group of slobbering sluts who, for reasons unbeknownst to him, deemed themselves intelligent and worthy enough to mingle in his presence. It was bad enough that he'd had to walk around in leather all day. The capris were probably the most annoying part of getup. They were too tight and he could hardly breathe in them. Thank goodness for the fact that none of these blubbering, idiotic customers could possibly turn him on, or he just might have ended up rendering himself infertile. The matching vest was much easier. He'd left it open and bare chested so that, if nothing else, he could at least breathe. His hair was messier than normal today to fit the look, which pretty much infuriated his nerdy obsession with everything being just so. And for someone with so many (constantly building) serious problems, he wasn't sure if he could make it to the day's end without spontaneously combusting. Unfortunately, this was a mystery to the hobbit.

"Kyou-chan!" It approached the taller boy, arms crossed.

Fucking _hell_. "Yeah?" he responded, his glasses catching the strobe light and completely glossing over.

"Don't we have any more types of cakes?"

_Fuck cake_. "Lemon isn't enough for you, Hunny- senpai?" The ball of his pen scratched harshly against the pages of his diary, his writing more hurried than before.

_What a retarded question._ Of course it wasn't! "Lemon isn't even my favorite!"

_Well, excuse me if I can't bend to your every whim._ "Hm."

"I..." Hunny scratched erratically at his left arm. He hadn't had a strawberry cake since _breakfast_. "I have needs, Kyou-chan!"

"I know the feeling." Kyouya lifted a finger to rub at his sore nose.

"No, you don't!" The hobbit raised his voice, expression wild. "If you 'knew the feeling' you would have ordered more cakes!" Selfish asshole!

"I'm sorry, Hunny-senpai." Kyouya placed his pen down upon the paper to keep from breaking it. "But you'll have to eat what's available. If you haven't already noticed," He looked down at his senior, eyes completely unguarded. "I'm _extremely_ busy."

The hobbit froze up, expression stricken with fear. The last thing he expected was for anyone to actually _challenge_ his dual personality! "WAAAAAAAH!" He ran off in the opposite direction into the waiting arms of his fangirls. Kyouya just shrugged, disregarded the hostile look that Mori was shooting him from over Hunny's head. He didn't have time for this bullshit today. There were much more important things to attend to. Like diary writing. Who cared about cake anyway? He hated cake. Cake was so sickeningly sweet, delicate and cute that it made him want to gag. People were always decorating cake and trying to dress it adorably. Everyone always made a big deal over cake and if you weren't careful, it could potentially steal your best friend and ruin your sex life.

"Kyouya-senpai?" A familiar androgynous voice called from his side.

"Haruhi." He acknowledged the freshmen in drag. "I was just thinking about you."

"Really?" Haruhi frowned. That couldn't mean anything good. Kyouya's thoughts usually pertained to money which probably meant that he was thinking of raising her debt or sucking her financially dry in some other shape or form. It definitely had nothing to do with his personal feelings for her. Probably.

Kyouya just nodded, eyes still focused on his diary. "What's wrong?" Was there a good reason for the fact that she had momentarily stopped making his money? "Do you need more socks?"

"No." Haruhi scowled before reaching down to position something between her thighs. No, Haruhi has not receive a sex change (yet). But the club couldn't have any nasty eunuch rumors starting up, now could they? That's why, that afternoon when she stepped out of the changing room in her ridiculously tight, black leather jumpsuit- with an overly large hood and so many zippers that she didn't know what to do with- they'd forced an entire pack of tube socks down her pants and they wouldn't just stop at passable for a guy. No, she had to be "big".

"Then what is it?"

"You're upset, Kyouya-senpai."

No shit. Kyouya lifted his gaze from the diary to peer down into those large, chocolate brown eyes. He supposed they were just a _bit_ alluring. "What makes you say that?"

"Because you've been a total_ asshole_ all day." she stated, without so much as a stutter. "Even more than usual."

Tactful as always.

"And you've raised my debt three times in the past half hour."

He smirked. That had been fun.

"Plus you and senpai haven't been talking."

The pen stiffened in his grasp, grey eyes sinking back into their former obscurity. Haruhi cocked one carefully waxed eyebrow. Had she struck a nerve?

"You're right, Haruhi." He suddenly beamed down on her, the forced smile even more terrifying than his usual demonic glare. "I _am _upset."

"You... You are?" she gulped.

He nodded. "I'm upset because you have several customers, yet, you are currently talking to _me_." He flipped several pages back in his diary. "Should I raise your debt for a third time?"

"N-No." She held her hands up in protest. "Please don-"

"Then I suggest you start dancing." He cut in before giving her a slight shove toward her designated stage and, fearing for her already jeopardized financial situation, she obeyed, her feet dragging reluctantly along the ground. Evil, rich bastard. Tamaki had probably done something to drive him up the wall again, but he had no right to take it out on _her_. It's not like _she_ had _anything at all_ to do with any _serious_, deep-rooted issues _they _might be having!

"HARUHIIII!" The cries started up as she approached the mass of closet lesbians surrounding her stage area. The club had given her the highest one so that they could "see her at all times". Which pretty much weirded her out so she'd refrained from using it the entire evening.

"Haruhi!" Kurokano, leader of the pack and biggest Haru fan EVAR, approached her in a teal tank and low riding denim jeans. "You going to pole dance?"

"Eh..." Haruhi scratched at her dark brown tresses. Today's cosplay had been a mistake. For one she hated putting leather anywhere, but on her feet. And two, she was completely hopeless when it came to dancing of any sort, let alone exotic. Being the food loving, inactive, out of shape nerd that she was, she hadn't lasted five minutes through Male Stripping 101 before losing her breath and retiring to the sofa. There, she'd found a pack of Cheetos and the rest was history.

"Pole dance?" The girls crowded around her like Mine!Seagulls. "Pole dance?"

"Pole dance?"

"Pole dance?"

"I'm sorry." Haruhi finally found words, a sincere smile slipping onto her lips. "I'm just... not that good at pole dancing."

They all stared at her, eyes wide. She gave a nervous chuckle.

"Oh my God..."

"Haruhi..." Kurokano squeaked. "That's so... that's so..."

"CUUUUUUTE!" The crowd exploded, causing her some minor ear damage as she was bombarded by the flood of screaming fangirls.

"So humble!" cried the one clutching her leg.

"Do a strip tease for me, Haruhi!" said the one draped around her waist.

"No, for me!" countered one of the several gropers.

"Wait!" Haruhi protested, a slight blush on her cheeks, as her nose was being pressed against a random boob. "I can't breat- Don't touch me there!"

The girls, instead, heard "squeeze me harder" and did just that.

"Help!" Haruhi's arm flailed over the throbbing mass of fangirls.

"Eeeeeek!" One of them suddenly cried. "Haruhi's dick fell off!"

"Huh?" Haruhi's head snapped up to see that a certain piece of her new anatomy had snaked its way up toward the right side of her waist.

"Don't move, Haruhi!"

"We have to call an ambulance!"

"You broke it, Nina!" accused a feverish girl with gray-black hair. "It's all _your_ fault!"

"I'm sorry!" The other girl sobbed into her hands. "I'm so sorry, Haruhi! Please forgive me!"

But Haruhi was too busy dodge rolling in the opposite direction. When she'd made it to a decidedly safe distance, she reached down to position the socks again- which proved to be pretty difficult. It's not as if she knew where any of this stuff was supposed to go anyway...

"Oh my God!"

"Haruhi is touching himself!"

"He's so dirty!"

"I love it!"

She moaned in frustration. Fucking Host Club! At least it couldn't-

"Haruhi!" A deeper voice called from across the room. "Come dance on this piano with daddy!"

Of course, it could. Clawing her way out of the remaining future lesbian mass, she poked her head up to see him standing atop a grand piano- hand outstretched, expression exasperatingly vain as usual.

Shit. He wasn't kidding.

Tamaki, as he reminded them every five minutes, was the Host King, and because he was King, he couldn't be made to simply wear leather (or pleather) like the rest of the club. He had to be different. He had to wear silk _and_ leather. Silk for the billowy, open chested man blouse and leather for the suffocatingly tight pants and thigh high boots. Needless to say, he looked as if he'd stepped out of a tent at Cirque Du Soleil. Or the set of a bad, but high fashion budget vampire porn. Haruhi wasn't sure which was the most puzzling: How he could move around or how he'd managed to fit into the ensemble in the first place.

"No thanks, senpai."

"You know you want to." He beckoned her with his fingers.

"... no, I really don't."

He gave her that come hither look.

She started towards the nearest hiding spot.

"But this is the perfect opportunity to spend father-daughter time together!" She felt two smooth, satiny arms closing in from behind. Damn him and his unnatural ability to teleport across the room.

"That's stupid, senpai." She turned around to stare him coldly in the eye. "And fathers and daughters don't dance on piano tops together in these types of clubs. You sound like an incestuous pedophile."

Mori glanced up from his latest edition of P.E.T.A Today and peered at them. They both swallowed hard.

"Not that there's... anything wrong with that." Haruhi gave him a weak smile.

"Yeah." Tamaki agreed nervously. "Nothing... wrong with that."

Mori went back to his magazine.

"So?" Tamaki slipped a hand through his golden bangs, the other trailing sensuously down his bare chest. "Does this turn you on?" He winked playfully at her. "Are you straight yet?"

She glowered at him. Ever since she'd revealed that her first kiss had been with a girl, he'd confirmed his suspicions of her supposed homosexuality. Perhaps because he actually believed it. Or perhaps because he couldn't deal with the fact that not every heterosexual member of the female population was enamored with him. Well, whatever helped him sleep at night.

"Stay away from me, senpai." she scolded, hands dropping to her thighs again. "You're distracting me. I have to fix this or-"

"Oh!" His gaze dropped and he leaned down to whisper into her ear. "Do you need more socks?"

"_No_." she growled, hands working clumsily at the lumps in her pants. "They're all over the place and I don't know how to-"

"OH MY GOD!"

"Haruhi is touching himself again!"

"And Tamaki-sama is watching!"

"EEEEEE!"

"Is it supposed to be like this?" Haruhi asked, turning her back to the girls.

Tamaki gulped. If he ever looked in the mirror and saw his genitals spread out like that, he would scream. "Well... no..."

Haruhi started at it again and groaned when the girls cheered her on. She would be known as The Masturbator or something equally perverted by tomorrow. "How about this?"

"Haruhi, that looks mutated!" He slapped a hand to his forehead. "Haven't you ever at least _seen_ one before?"

"No," she scowled. "Have you ever seen a vagina?"

"No." he squeaked at her blunt usage of the word.

"Then we're even." She crossed her arms and sighed. "You do it."

"Wh- what?"

"I don't mind." She shrugged. "I just want to get back to my customers before Kyouya-senpai raises my debt again. What's his problem anyway?"

"But I can't-"

"You just have to move them around a little."

"B-"

Impatience flashed across her features. "_Get on your knees and stop being such a baby, senpai._"

"But the customers!" A teary eyed Tamaki pointed out at the gathering sea of fangirls.

"They'll like it." Haruhi groaned. "Just do it already."

Tamaki sank to his knees, cheeks reddening by the second. For a moment, Haruhi thought his head might explode.

"What's Tamaki-sama doing?" The whispers began.

"It looks like Haruhi is pressuring Tamaki-sama into something!"

"Haruhi, I can't!" Tamaki finally whined, trembling fingers hovering over her thighs.

"What do you mean, you can't?" She frowned. "I'll ask the twins then."

"EEEEE!" The crowd erupted in homoerotic joy.

"NO!" Tamaki cried.

"What? They did it earlier."

"WHAT?"

A few fangirls fainted.

"If you won't do it, I'll find someone who will."

"I'll do it, Haruhi!" called a random fangirl.

Tamaki took her arm before she could go off looking for another host. "I'll direct you!"

"I'm tired of trying it myself!"

More fangirls fainted and Haruhi cursed. It would be difficult getting through the crowd undiscovered now with so many of them watching. They had to fix this now.

"Here." She grasped both his hands tightly and pressed them against her thighs. "Just do it."

"EEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Haruhi."

She turned to see two identical heads poking out from around a pole. Tamaki had, like most of their customers, reverted into a comatose state, blood oozing out of his left nostril.

"I expected this from Tono." Kaoru started.

"But you?" Hikaru smirked.

Haruhi rolled her eyes and dropped Tamaki's hands as he was now pretty much useless. "I just needed someone to fix these socks." She turned to them. "Will you help, Kaoru?"

"Sure thing." Kaoru dropped to his knees and used his fingers to move the socks into place.

"SO HOT!" The girls squealed from afar.

"This is the best club day EVER!"

Kaoru beamed slyly. Hikaru on the other hand was a bit miffed.

"Haruhi," He turned on his irresistible, I'm-immature-yet-somehow-appealing bad boy charm. "Why did you ask Kaoru? Why didn't you just ask both of us?"

"Because-" She started, smiling down at her perfectly placed genitals, but before she could finish, something cut her off. Something high and squeaky.

"That was amazing!" A girl was approaching fast, eyes glistening, hands clasped together. Unlike the other girls, who had abandoned their hideous school uniforms for slutty halter tops and handkerchief sized micro minis, she wore the most peculiar thing. Peculiar, but slutty nonetheless. A white, red bowed leotard with a blue fuku. Her light brown hair was done up in oddly shaped pigtails and red knee high boots crawled up her legs, little crescent moons attached at the end. "Amazing! Can you do it again while I'm filming please?"

"Er..." Haruhi blinked, still occupied with her strange, but oddly familiar cosplay.

"Who the hell are you?" Both twins asked in unison, the strenuous pole dancing having killed off any shred of courtesy they'd had to begin with.

"Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon!" She cried, obviously offended that this wasn't already common knowledge to them. "DUH!"

"Isn't that the anime all those pedos used to watch?" Kaoru have her a bored look.

"Excuse me, miss." Haruhi cut in, before things could escalate. She knew the twins well enough now to know when they were trying to pick a fight. "What's your _rea__l_ name?"

"Oh." She frowned and tapped at her bottom lip as if trying to remember. "It's... Renge. Renge Houshakuji" Her bright eyes burned with a certain... dementia. If Haruhi didn't know any better, she'd say the girl was insane. "I'm here for my bishie. Have you seen him?"

They all blinked at her.

"Your _what_?"

* * *

So the next chapter should be out very soon. I'm sorry if this chapter is so fillierish. Please give me your thoughts anyway :D


	9. Enter Renge! Otaku Extraordinaire!

Okay, I know I took longer than I said I would with this update and **I'm very sorry**. But between school and and writer's block, it's well... hard. Anyway, because I conformed Renge to a** crazy anime geek persona**, there are **things that you** newbs **should know**. And also some things that you people who aren't familiar with fanfiction stereotypes, etc should know...

**1. Bishie - Bishonen - Beautiful/Pretty boy**

**2. A Mary Sue is just as Renge describes. She is a much hated thing in fandom. The male version is a Gary Stu BUT the Stu is usually a dark, emo, hot guy rather than the male equivalent of the female Sue.**

**3. That's his real name. I don't make this stuff up! (You'll see what I mean.)**

**4. Incase some people don't know: Yaoi - Homoerotic anime/manga between two (or more) men. Seme- The dominant figure in homoerotic manga. Uke- The submissive figure in homoerotic manga.**

**5. Vic Mignogna is a well known ENGLISH anime voice actor and practically an idol among hardcore fangirls. He's most famous for voicing Edward Elric from Full Metal Alchemist. His more recent work includes Fai from Tsubasa Chronicles and- Hey, what do you know?- Tamaki Suou from Ouran High School Host Club.**

**

* * *

**

"Who is she?" Gossip One leaned in toward the peculiarly dressed girl.

"And what is she wearing?" added Gossip Two.

"Looks like a size 4."

"She's a _fat ass_."

"Bishie?" Haruhi spoke over the group of chattering anorexics, slender arms crossed over her leather jumpsuit. She'd never heard of such a word before.

"Bishie." Renge repeated with slight irritation. "Beautiful boy?"

"Never heard of it." Both twins droned with a bored look.

"This is what he looks like!" The girl reached into one of her crimson boots and pulled a Panda Express napkin from the inside. Unfolding it, she pointed to a cluster of small gray marks.

"Eh..." The twins leaned over the drawing.

"... It looks like a stick figure." Hikaru commented.

"And what's that on its face?"

Haruhi pushed in between the two brothers and peered at the napkin. "Looks like two strawberries..."

"No way!" Kaoru scoffed at the crossdresser. "Don't you ever think of anything besides foo-"

"You jerks!" Renge snatched the napkin away, her face flushed with anger. "Those are glasses!"

"Glasses?" Haruhi blinked at the crinkled napkin beneath the girl's fingertips. Those sure didn't look like any glasses _she'd _ever seen. Maybe disproportionate grapes. Or a very distinctly wrapped type of sushi... Her stomach grumbled.

"Those are retarded glasses." Hikaru stated blankly.

"Yeah," Kaoru agreed just as blankly. "I'd hate to have to wear them."

Renge was making small, whimpering noises. "You guys..." Her fingers tore into the napkin, reducing it to a shredded mess. "You guys are assholes!"

"But of course they are, my princess," Tamaki suddenly joined in, scaring anyone within three feet of the area, as he had been lying in a comatose heap only seconds ago. Sauntering toward the new girl, he flashed his devil-may-care smile and tossed those perfect bangs. She was guaranteed to be floored. His technique never failed! But... what on Earth was she wearing? Just another one of those fads that the girls adored so much, he supposed.

"And how may I entertain you this evening?" He leaned into her, cusping her chin ever so gently between his fingers. She gave a sharp intake of breath as he moved in closer, his breath warm against her ear. "Shall I dance for you?"

"M-" Her lips trembled and he writhed inside at the pure agony of his... well... delusions of grandeur. It was a _curse_- or so he called it- to have an affect such as this on such a sweet, innocent girl!

"Ma-" repeated the innocent.

"Ma-?" he put gingerly, still disregarding any human need for personal space.

"MARY SUE!" she exploded before launching at him with a lengthy, pink foreign object.

"Gyah!" he dodged away, nearly slipping on a napkin shred and falling on his face. "What the-"

"You're a SUE!"

"A what?" Half the room inquired.

"A Sue!" Renge growled, her eyes still dead set on the blonde. "The most deadly device in fanfiction!"

"In what?"

"Don't you people know anything?" she bellowed, fingers massaging rigidly at what now appeared to be a wand of some sort, prissily pink with a diamond encrusted at the head. One hand jolted out to point, forming a ruler straight alignment with Tamaki. "A Mary Sue is a perfect character. Known for their unusual, but beautiful features, foreign backgrounds and abnormally long names, they can singlehandedly destroy a fandom!"

"Eh..." came Haruhi's witty response.

"Mary Sues, regardless of their tragic, sob story pasts, still manage to be irritatingly bubbly and always do the right thing! They don't have any faults and when they do, they're usually viewed as cute or endearing! Every character in the story is deeply influenced by the Sue! The Sue gets more page time than any other character! Even the canon heroine!"

The entire room stared at her.

"... Okay..." Hikaru started.

"What the _fuck_?" Kaoru finished.

"What the hell is she talking about?" a slut whispered.

But Renge paid no mind. "The author thought she was being clever by switching the Sue to a Stu, but I saw right through it!"

Tamaki raised an eyebrow from his spot on the floor. Surely, this girl was insane. He, Rene Tamaki Richard Grantaine Suou was certainly **NOT** a Sue, Stu or a Mary of any sort! And he started to tell her so, when hard pink wand came down in his direction.

"AGGGGH! MY LEG!" He screeched and rolled the other way as she came at him again.

Haruhi frowned as she watched the scenario with wide eyes. Not a thing the girl just said had made much sense. And trying to stop this fiasco would be much too bothersome for a lazy ass like her. Best to watch and look innocent. His fangirls would probably come to his aid anyhow.

"Ooooooh!" A brunette in a hot pink micro mini squealed. "She's beating his ass!"

"STOP HER!" Tamaki had wrapped himself around a pole as if it would somehow change his situation.

"It looks really painful." A bleached blonde added, completely engrossed in the scene.

"SAVE ME!"

"I'm oddly turned on." They all pulled out their IPhones and set them to record.

"I will right wrongs!" Renge started on his torso. "And triumph over evil!"

"Hey Tonoooo!" The twins rolled a dolly along with a large, black device strapped to the platform. "Say cheese!"

"OUCH!" Tamaki yelped before turning on them with a red glare in his eyes. "Put that_ fucking_ movie camera away right NOW!"

"The cameras were your idea, Tono."

"Just like the pole dancing was your idea?" They smirked down on him. Ah. Revenge was sweet.

"HARUHI!" Tamaki grasped for his daughter's ankles.

Haruhi winced before turning to the eldest members of the club. "Aren't you two going to do something?"

Hunny just clutched to his cousin/lover's torso, eyes wide with fear. "She scares me!"

"Ah." Mori grunted in consensus.

"NOT MY FACE!"

Kyouya sighed. This was, unfortunately, where he would have to step in. As entertaining as it was to see a girl in Sailor Moon cosplay beat the blonde with a Toys R Us wand, he couldn't have his best friend and occasional fuck buddy's face being destroyed. How could he? When it made him so much money? And then where would that leave his savings for that shiny new diary? Not to mention all of those Columbian "goods". The last thing he needed was a beef with drug lords.

"Alright." He finally spoke into a microphone, two fingers reaching up to position his glasses, which had already formed two perfectly oval dents at the bridge of his nose. "Club hours are over. I'm going to have to ask everyone to leave."

"Awwwww!" came the moans.

"It's too early!"

"I didn't get my lap dance yet!"

Haha. Kyouya veiled the fact that he was practically getting off on their obvious displeasure with a somewhat sincere smile. "Forgive me." He motioned toward the twins. "But the first twenty guests to leave will receive special one on one time with the Hitachiins."

"EEEEEEE!" The whores started in a mad rush toward the door, using purses, belts and whatever weapons lie at their disposal to crush their competitors. A few tossed lip gloss, condoms, and other random objects on the ground for the others to slip on. Some attempted to scale the walls with hideous results. Kyouya hoped that the club wouldn't be held responsible for this. It was their fault if they wanted to kill themselves for a threesome, right? He sighed. Dumb bitches.

Obscene strangling noises came from nearby and he turned to see that Renge had captured Tamaki's neck in a chokehold between a metallic pole and her moon wand. He turned cold eyes on her.

"You're not an exception. When I asked everyone to leave, I meant you too."

"Who cares?" She growled, demonic eyes never leaving the Sue.

"You aren't interested in the twins?"

"The twins?" Expression softening, her grip on the blonde loosened and he scrambled away to hide behind the nearest host. Which happened to be Hunny.

"I'm pretty sure she can see you there, Tama-chan." The hobbit patted his junior's head.

"The twins." Renge said again, this time giggling, her hands clasped to each side of her blushing cheeks. "No way! There's only one man for me!" Eyelids parting, she averted her gaze to turn to the boy at the microphone. She gasped.

"Oh God..." A choked whisper. "It's you!"

"Hm?" The hosts all blinked.

"Huh?" Hikaru started, laughter building in his chest. "You mean that stick figure was Kyouya?"

"SHUT UP!" Renge exploded before Kaoru could add a funny one liner. "It looks just like him!" She held up the shredded bits of napkin to Kyouya's face.

"He's perfect!"

"Yeah, maybe for a bathroom sign."

"You don't know anything!" she barked at Kaoru before falling back into blushing princess mode. "He looks just like my OC!"

"OC?"

"Original character?" She glared at them all. Didn't these idiots have the internet and access to a sufficient amount of RP and fansites? "He looks just like him! Damien Foxworth Gilberto Yuki Vanderfield the 3rd! With onyx hair like the night and beautiful grey eyes!"

More blinking.

"Hey Kaoru?" Hikaru broke the silence. "I don't know about you but doesn't Damien Wolfworthy whats-his-face..."

"... sound a lot like..."

"a Marsha Sue?" They finished in unison.

"NO WAY!" she breathed fire. "DAMIEN FOXWORTH COULD NEVER BE A MARY SUE!"

"Sounds like a Marsha Sue to me."

"DUMBASSES!" Renge clutched onto Dami- er, Kyouya, burying her pigtailed head into his chest. "You're way too kind and sweet and perfect to be a Mary Sue!"

He tried to see her as more person and less insect. "Wha-?"

"I knew it! I knew from the moment my father showed me the picture that it was you come to life!"

"Picture?" Through her vice like grip, he somehow found the room to open his diary with one hand and sift through the pages. His eyes widened slightly. "Houshakuji?"

"Renge Houshakuji." She batted her eyelashes up at him.

"Your father owns a chain of powerful printing companies."

She frowned, a bit confused at the seemingly random subject change. "Well... yeah."

_Oh, damn it all to hell._

"Kyouya." She leaned in closer, standing on the tips of her boots so that she could reach his ear, her fingers massaging at his shoulders. "That is your name, right?"

"Right." He watched her warily.

"I want you to make love to me." She breathed into his ear.

He traced the end of his pen lightly down her cheek and she trembled at the contact. _That could be arranged..._

"Then we'll be married." she gushed into his vest.

He froze. Bitch say what?

"Miss-"

"What was that?" Kaoru poked his head onto the scene.

"Did we hear that you guys are getting married?"

"Of course we are!" Renge announced before he could get a word out. "We're going to marry here in Japan! In Vampire Knight cosplay!"

Hikaru raised an eyebrow. "What are you?

"Some type of freaky, otaku weeaboo?"

Her demon eyes flared up once again and she commenced to chase the two all around the room, moon wand raised high.

"What was that?" Haruhi neared her senior, eyebrow raised. "Are you and Renge getting married?"

"Is Kyou-chan getting married?" The hobbit asked with wide eyes.

"_Ah_?"

"_KYOUYA_!" A teary eyed Tamaki suddenly clutched at his shoulders. "I understand now!"

"Understand what?" Kyouya muttered, trying his damnedest not to glance at the open chested, leather clad Tamaki. It made him uncomfortable. His desire had only intensified since their altercation last weekend and he couldn't afford to get an erection in this outfit.

"I understand why you've been acting so screwed up lately!" The blonde's expression flooded with pity. Kyouya's temple bulged.

"Tamaki-"

"Is your father making you do it?"

"Listen."

"How much longer do you have?"

"I'm not getting married."

"If you'd just told me instead of going all crazy ra- wha?"

He sighed again. "I'm not marrying her."

"You're not?" Tamaki, Haruhi, and the hobbit all asked in unison. Mori missed the cue.

"Of course not." He crossed his arms, secretly glad that Tamaki's hold on him had loosened.

"What's that?" Hikaru and Kaoru sped past on one of their laps around the room, Renge fast on their pussy cat tails. "You're not getting married, Kyouya-senpai?"

"No."

"Oh, I'm so excited!" Renge halted in mid-run, hugging her moon wand close.

"You're not getting married." The twins told her.

"It's going to be the most fabulous wedding!"

"There won't be a wedding."

"I think we should all get together and celebrate in my private, unsupervised condo!"

"You have your own condo?" Haruhi's eyes widened. Rich bastards...

"Sounds like fun!" The twins eyed each other mischievously. Private? Unsupervised? Seemed like their kind of party.

"Do you think there will be cake, Takashi?" The hobbit raced to get his standby lipo team on the phone.

"Kyouyaa..." Tamaki whined.

"I know her father."

"_So?_"

"So he could buy our fathers' companies three times over."

"... crap." The blonde sighed in defeat, before turning to the rest of the club. "Well, first things first." He ran a hand over the dark material of his pants. It was becoming almost impossible to breath in them. "Let's change out of these outfits.."

* * *

Later that day...

"Leather," Hikaru started in an agonizingly mocking tone. " will be perfect for the occasion!"

"The girls will love it!" Kaoru put in, just as cruel, just as mocking.

"Who cares if it's painful to wear?"

"Who cares if it never comes off?"

"Shut up!" Tamaki growled as he wrestled with his boots for what seemed like the thousandth time. Once again, he reaped little result. Which was about the same as he could say for his daughter, Kyouya, and the twins in their speedos. Hunny, who had changed into a powder blue hoodie and jeans, gave them a sympathetic look from a bright green sofa across the room. Mori just chuckled silently to himself. Somewhere... that cow was chuckling too. 'What goes around comes around', he always said... sometimes.

"I'm burning up." Haruhi groaned, her fingers pulling relentlessly at the leather material. No matter how much she pulled, it clung to the skin. "And I have to use the bathroom." She had at least managed to squeeze the socks out... "This was a stupid idea, senpai."

"It's not my fault!" he cried. "You should have worn that Playboy Bunny getup like I offered at first!"

"_Pervert._" she muttered in his direction.

"_Lesbo!_"

Kyouya watched the scenario from Renge's large, pink, sprawling, heart shaped bed, where she'd placed a blown up portrait of him and dozens of stick figure-esque drawings around the head. Renge herself had latched on to his arm and hadn't let go since the limo.

"Your room is very..." Kyouya searched for a less offending word. "Uniquely decorated, Renge." Yes, that fit. If one considered 'unique' to be a chaotic mess of clashing, bright colors and random junk. Orange carpet and Fairy Tale pinks walls. Various anime posters, mountains of Pocky, and a disco mini bar... She even had life sized models of famous J-Pop bands placed through out the room. How did she sleep at night? He supposed the curtains around her bed had something to do with it... He adjusted his position- as one is prone to do in sweaty leather capris- and the bed made small waves underneath him. But wait. Beds didn't make waves.

"A water bed?" He frowned, bouncing a bit to confirm his speculation. "Is this comfortable to sleep on?"

"No." She let out a small laugh and pressed herself against him, amber eyes alluring. "But who said it was for sleeping?"

He felt an indisputable twinge in his loins and thought best to get out of the situation as soon as possible if he wanted to remain fertile. Either that or find some scissors. He would regret cutting the perfectly valuable leather capris to shreds, but with Renge and Tamaki combined, his chances of being rushed to the hospital were looking more than slim tonight.

"Hey, check it out, Kaoru." Both twins had abandoned their goal to escape the speedos and were kneeling in front of a white chest. "What's all this?"

Kaoru pulled a slender book from a pile and flipped through it, his eyes widening with every page. "_Sick._"

"Huh?" Hikaru turned to his brother. "Let me see." He paled immediately. "This _is_ sick!"

"Stuff like this should never make contact with human eyes."

They turned around, devilish grins playing on their countenances. "Let's show it to Haruhi!"

"Oh no." Haruhi was already headed in the opposite direction, when they cornered her. Kaoru held her by the arms and Hikaru jammed the book into her face.

"Huh?" Haruhi blinked, eyes wide. "What... Is that_ corn_?"

Both twins erupted into fits of laughter. Haruhi just grimaced, unsure of how to feel. Food should never be used in such a way.

"Ah, Takashi!" Hunny was gawking at another book from the cabinet. "What's that monster doing to him?"

"Don't read that, Mitsukuni." Mori snatched the book away.

"Oh!" Renge, bored now that Kyouya had escaped, approached them. "I see you've found my yaoi collection!"

"Yaoi?" Haruhi choked, her eyes now skimming over a scene with a whiskey bottle.

"Hardcore, isn't it?" Renge beamed with some sort of sick pride.

"Yaoi?" Tamaki erupted from his place on the carpet.

"Oh," Hikaru smirked. "Are you interested, Tono?"

"Idiots! Don't show Haruhi disgusting things like that!"

"Why not?"

"Haruhi isn't interested anyway!" he went on. "Sh- He's going through a rebellious lesbian phase! He only likes-"

"Don't tell me what I like, senpai!" Haruhi snapped, becoming more and more irate with the jumpsuit.

"Hey Haruhi!" Kaoru slipped another book in front of her face. "Check out this uke guy."

"Uke?"

"_Don't look, Haruhi!_"

"He looks like Tono."

"Definitely looks like Tono."

Tamaki sprang toward them. "STOP!"

"This perverted, pedo seme guy looks like Tono too."

"Seme?"

"DON'T-"

_RIP!_

"EEEEEEE!" Renge screeched, one hand rising to cover her eyes.

Haruhi made a face.

"Tama-chan!" A teary Hunny raced to find a towel.

"You know, if you wanted attention, Tono, you didn't have to moon us for it."

"That's an interesting birth mark you have there."

"I've found something!" The hobbit sprinted forward to drape a large poster with an older blonde man posing on it reading: 'Vic Mignogna' over Tamaki's ass.

Renge let out a warrior's cry and commenced to chase the hobbit around the room until a solemn faced Mori created a barrier between the two.

"GET OUT!" Renge cried. How dare they desecrate her favorite American idol? "GET OUT RIGHT NOW! ALL OF YOU!"

Kyouya emerged from the foyer, now wearing a pair of torn jeans with the open vest. A suspicious lump of leather rested at the door. "Renge, please." He approached her, phony smile in place. "Isn't there anything we can do to make it up to you?" _And to possibly gain more financial support from your father?_

""Well..." She bit at her thumb, her expression suddenly shy. "There is this... one, little thing." She shuffled her feet.

"What is it?" Haruhi coaxed.

"I just... it's not much..."

"If it's not much, it can't be that bad." Tamaki hoisted himself from the carpet and tightened the poster around his ass, where Vic Mignogna smiled happily out from a dark background.

"I didn't give you permission to speak, Sue!" Renge growled, before reverting back into shy, bashful mode. "But... I just want..."

"Yeah?" the twins asked, dully.

"I just want..."

"Yeah?"

"!"

"Eh..."

"What did she say?" Kaoru asked.

"I think she said..." Kyouya cupped his chin thoughtfully. "She wants us to do a homosexual boy love porno flick for her."

"Hm..." Both twins mulled over this. "Does it pay?"

"Do you even need the money?" Haruhi sighed. This was a bad idea. If the movie got too raunchy, people could discover her secret...

"I guess it could be fun." Hunny bounced. "Taka-"

"NO!" Tamaki bellowed. "NONONONO! Absolutely not!" His grip tightened around the poster. "Girls come to our club to be seduced by _us_! Not to see us seduce each other!"

"... Now, you know that's a lie, Tono."

"No, no, no." Renge giggled after casting a dismissive look at the blonde. "It's alright. I expected as much from a lowly _uke_."

Tamaki blinked. "An uke?"

"Of course." She started, the manic twinkle returning to her eyes. "Let me break it down for you." Her finger shot out toward the hobbit.

"Haninozuka Mitsukuni!"

He shrank away in terror.

"Although you seem to harbor all of the qualities prevalent in the typical uke, Seme Power rushes ramped through your veins! Morinozuka Takashi!"

"Ah?"

"You come across as the strong and wild seme! You even have the pedo factor on your side! BUT, it still remains that you are but an uke slave to Mitsukuni! Kaoru and Hikaru Hitachiin!"

They flipped her the bird.

"You put on an act for the girls as if one of you is a sexy seme and the other is a whiny uke, but we all know that isn't true!"

"Hey, wait-"

"The truth is that: You're _both_ sexy, sadistic semes who don't care how many uke hearts you break! You occasionally become emo with disdain for what you've become and SEME EVEN HARDER!"

"... We can deal with that."

"Fujioka Haruhi!"

Haruhi sighed.

"You are the smallest, most vulnerable uke, but perhaps the most fearless! You are not easily threatened or bullied by your seme! You are an uke to be proud of!"

Haruhi decided not to take it as a compliment.

"Suou Tamaki!"

He swallowed hard.

"You pretend to be prince-like and suave, but in reality, you are nothing more than a pathetic, whiny, clingy, dependant cry baby Sue! _**The worst uke imaginable!**_"

"_WHAT?_"

"And Kyouya," She sighed lovingly. "You are a sweet, kind and protective seme. An ideal seme for any uke!"

And with that, she began to yip and jump around the room, babbling on about Hollywood arrangements and how great they would all look in grease. Haruhi leaned against the wall next to the Shadow Lord.

"Kyouya-senpai?"

"What?" he had began to scribble in his diary again now that Renge was occupied.

"Where are the scissors?"

"Out in the foyer."

"And..." She glanced out at Renge. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Not really." he responded in all honesty for once. "But it's up to Tamaki."

"Uke! Uke! Uke!" The twins danced around Tamaki, barely dodging his fists.

"I AM NOT AN UKE!" he kicked and screamed like a child.

"Uke! Uke! Uke!"

"NO, IT'S NOT TRUE!" He turned around to face his daughter with maddened, teary eyes. "DON'T YOU LISTEN FOR A SECOND, HARUHI!"

"I don't really care."

"I'LL PROVE IT TO ALL OF YOU!" he vowed. "WITH THIS HOMOSEXUAL BOY LOVE PORNO FLICK, I, SUOU TAMAKI, WILL PROVE THAT I AM NOT AN UKE ONCE AND FOR ALL!"

Haruhi moaned and put her head down as she started for the foyer.

"Uke! Uke! Uk- ACK!"

She could barely hear her thoughts over the twins' strangled cries. This would be a very interesting Homosexual Boy Love Porno Flick indeed.

* * *

Lol... Fun...

Anyway, next chapter should be LOADS of fun. BUT **I need YOU**! to help me out with it. **What would you like to see ATTEMPTED to be filmed in Renge's movie? What would you like to see in her script? Any pairings you like more than others?** I can't guarantee that the characters are going to go along with whatever is written in the script of course, but if you want to see them fight over it, just give me some ideas. Thankies! I hope this chapter wasn't too weird for you guys. It really appeals to people who know a lot about the anime subculture and can laugh at themselves and/or people they know in it.

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	10. Renge's Homosexual Boy Love Porno Flick!

"Kissing?"

The sound of a ballpoint scratching against paper. "Yes."

"Tongue included?"

"That's fine."

"Necking?"

"Sure."

"Open chests?"

"Naturally."

"Anal?"

"Not often and only stimulated." More scratching. "Our customers are big fans of foreplay. Porn without plot won't appeal as heavily to them."

A disapproving grunt. "Oral?"

"Yes."

Excited squealing.

"As long as the genitals aren't visible on film."

A groan. "Threesomes?"

"If the script calls for it."

"Bondage?"

"Within reason, I don't see why not."

"Video distribution?"

"Negative."

"Hm?"

"The movie will only be available in private theaters set up around campus. All ticket purchases will be handled through me. Any personal or illegally captured footage of the project will be confiscated and destroyed. We can't have proof of these encounters falling into the wrong hands." Namely their parents'.

"Do you understand?" He closed the space between them.

A faint blush. "I do."

"Good." The diary slammed shut with a loud, crisp snap. "It's a pleasure doing business with you, Renge." Kyouya gave that cold, practiced grin that never quite reached his eyes. Not that you could catch the darkish grey behind the lens anyhow.

"The pleasure's all mine," she breathed lovingly after him as he walked back toward his assigned set with Haruhi- the little raccoon looking boy who liked to hang out at the staff refreshment table. Renge sighed and, with a tip of her black director's cap, started back down the basement stairs of the West Campus building. Back toward hell. The last traces of sunlight withered away and the dim basement lights of the third boy's locker room took over. The sound of Kyouya's beautiful footsteps died away leaving in their wake the moans and groans of a disgruntled basketball team. She hopped down from the last step into a decidedly tiny foyer area where a group of large young men were huddled together around a metal door. Two towering muscle bound men stood at either side of the door, their expressions unmoving.

"Miss Houshakuji." They nodded at their employer.

She winked back.

"What the hell is going on in there?" came the deep, burly voice of the team captain, still scratchy with the fading effects of puberty. He grasped a white towel securely around his naked legs. "You can't kick us out of our own locker room!"

"Shut up!" Renge growled, eyes glowing demonically. "I'm directing a film here!"

"Who gave you permission to direct a film in our locker room?"

"I don't need permission!"

"Can I be in the film?" asked a dopey redhead, who seemed more interested in Renge's black and white striped director's ensemble than the role he was inquiring about.

"I'm sorry, but..." she giggled and gave a toss of her long, light brown locks. "None of you are pretty enough."

"... what?"

"Only the most beautiful boys can star in my film!"

"So whose in it?" The group of insulted, not-so-beautiful boys rounded on her.

"I thought I heard Suou in there screaming about something earlier" Kujo, the team's weakest link volunteered in hope for cool points.

"Fucking Host Club!"

"They think they can get away with anything!"

"Fags."

"Yeah!" Kujo jeered nervously, secretly glad to have the animosity pointed at something besides himself for once.

"Whatever." Renge rolled her eyes before approaching the metal door, where the largest of the guards smiled kindly down at her.

"Miss Houshakuji." His monstrous fingers closed around the silver knob and the door swung open.

"AW! C'MON!" the basketball team begged.

Renge simply waved a hand dismissively as she stepped inside. Honestly. Her mind wandered as she advanced into the steam-filled locker room. Didn't those idiot jocks have any idea how hard it was to direct a homosexual, boy love, porno film?

She rounded a corner where the basketball team's belongings still lay neglected upon a row of wooden benches and stopped abruptly at the shower area.

Directing a homosexual, boy love porno film had proven to be exceedingly difficult indeed. Especially when one was cursed with such reluctant actors...

"Mmmmph!"

"Cameron!" Ignoring the muffled cries, she addressed the blonde Hollywood film director. "Is he behaving any better?"

"I'm afraid not, Miss Houshakuji." The man gave a bitter frown from behind the camera dolly and shook his head. "We had to use more rope."

"Mmmph!"

"Ugh..." Renge moaned and pressed two fingers against her left temple. "Forget it." She held up a megaphone to her lips and focused on two rusty haired boys toward the very back of the showers. They clung to each other, arms entangled over pale, moist, dripping skin. "Let's go again!"

"Mmmmph!"

Cameron gave a deep sigh and lifted his own megaphone. "Take 35"

Renge began dramatically. "It was Friday night. Just after the big game. The team faced a devastating loss. All of the players had left the campus, their heads hanging in shame. All but two..."

"Mmmph!"

"Hikaru-" Kaoru started with tearful eyes.

"No, Kaoru!" The eldest brother snapped back, his own eyes fiery. "I don't want to hear it!"

"But Hika-" Kaoru reached for him only to have his hand slapped away.

"This is all your fault!" Hikaru barked, rather over-dramatically. "You lost us the game! Now our lives are _over_!" He shot a strange look offset before giving another rather unconvincing "_Over_!"

"But Hikaru!" The youngest twin grasped his brother by the hand. "I only stopped playing because you were hurt! If something happened to you..." He squeezed his eyes shut and tears gushed out over the rims. "I... I don't know what I would do if something happened to-"

"Mmmmph!"

Kaoru gave a well placed kick at something on the ground. "I don't know what I would do if something happened to you!"

Hikaru's hard expression melted. "It's okay, Kaoru..." he whispered soothingly, his arms finding their way around his younger twin. Kaoru sighed and nestled his head into the curve of his brother's neck. They stood in a still silence, their bodies pressed closely against one another.

"Hikaru."

"Kaoru."

"Mmmmph!"

_Kick_.

"But you know I won't forgive you so easily, right?" Hikaru pulled back slightly, a mischievous gleam in his eyes. He captured his brother's chin between two fingers and slowly lifted that fearful gaze to meet his own twisted stare.

"Hikaru." Kaoru immediately tried to turn away, a light blush painting his cheeks. "We can't-"

"Shhh." Hikaru slipped his thumb over those reluctant lips and leaned forward to breathe against his ear. "You know you want it. You always do."

Kaoru gave an involuntary moan as he was thrust against the lilac tile of the shower wall, his brother's knee pressing up against his length. "I-"

"How hard do you want it?"

"Hika-" He was cut off as the other boy forced himself deeper between his legs.

"How hard?"

Kaoru just whimpered, his teeth biting firmly down on his bottom lip as if he didn't trust himself to speak.

"Don't make me make you-"

"Mmmmmmph!"

Both twins gave an irate look at something on the shower floor.

"MMMMMMMMPH!"

"Don't make me-"

"MMMMM-HHMMM-HHMMM-HMMMMMMMPH!"

An annoyed Hikaru finally gazed back up at his brother. "You're right, Kaoru. This is sick."

"It is." Kaoru agreed, his eyes suddenly taking on a similar mischievous glint.

"It's frustrating..." Hikaru stepped away from his younger twin, his voice soft and brooding. "... how twisted we've become."

"It is." Kaoru sighed just as broodingly.

"But as brothers," he pressed on. "We shouldn't take our problems out on one another."

"I agree." They came together in a brotherly embrace, despite the former, more compromising position they held only seconds ago. "There have to be other, more healthy ways of coping with our frustration."

Sly grins slipped over both their countenances as they reached down in unison to grasp two handfuls of blonde.

"Let's use this as an outlet instead!" They cheered, catlike eyes glittering at the toy beneath them.

"MMMMMPH!"

"What did he say?" Kaoru leaned down next to the gagged, thoroughly bound virgin.

"MMMHMMMPH!"

"I think he said 'Fuck me.'"

"MMMMMMMPH!"

"Geez." Hikaru tightened his grip on the handful of damp golden tresses and wrenched the boy's head back to reveal murderous eyes. "Have some patience, Tono."

"MPH!" he screamed through the gag.

"We didn't know you cared that much."

The Host King flopped around uselessly, his legs rapidly reddening from slapping against the watery stone floor.

"Ah-ah-ah." They wagged their fingers condescendingly.

"Remember what happened last time you tried to hop away?"

"MMMMPH!"

"Calm down, Tono." Hikaru held down his already bound wrists at one end.

"You look like a fish." Kaoru added, his hands resting firmly at the blonde's ankles.

Tamaki continued on with a muffled rant that no one could really make out. Probably something about dignity and virtue and all that other ridiculous prudish crap he liked to spew on about. Probably.

"MMMMMPH-HHM!

"You want it that bad?" Hikaru knelt down from his end, so close that the water crystals clinging to the ends of his auburn locks trickled down the blonde's flushed cheeks.

"**MMMMMMPH!**" Rapid shaking of the head.

"What was that?"

"I think Tono wants a kiss." Kaoru offered a possible explanation for the senseless babble.

"HMMMMMMMMMPH!"

"Badly."

Hikaru laced his fingers through a splay of blonde so that the older boy couldn't rise up and head butt him like he'd tried earlier. Then, with one last smirk, he started to dip in, to the dismay of those widening violet eyes.

"Eh... ER-U-II!" Tamaki's panicked gaze suddenly averted to a row of silver lockers.

"Huh?" Both twins queried.

"ER-UUU-IIIII!"

"Haruhi?" The eldest twin asked stupidly and Kaoru waited two seconds too late to catch his mistake.

"Hikaru!" he called. "NO!"

Everything happened at once. Hikaru's head snapped toward the lockers. Kaoru reached forward to stop the disaster before it happened. Tamaki wrenched free and tumbled away. But not before giving him a well placed kick in the crotch. Renge screamed in fury.

"_AGAIN?_"

"Kaoru!" Hikaru rushed to his wounded brother's side. "Are you okay?"

""YOU LET HIM GO AGAIN?"

"Shut up you fucking weeaboo!" Hikaru snapped back. "Can't you see he's hurt?"

"I'll be okay." Kaoru reassured him from his fetal position. He gave his twin an exasperated glare. "Why did you fall for that?" He rocked back and forth. "... do you have a crush on Haruhi or something?"

"EH?" Renge's boy love sense tingled.

"No!" Hikaru scowled. "Why would you _say_ that?" He squeezed lightly at his shoulder. "I just didn't think Tono had the brain capacity to actually use a stunt like that."

"Well, after 35 takes..."

"IDIOT!" Renge had cornered Tamaki under one of the many metallic benches. "Do you know how much it takes out of me to work with divas like you?"

"MMMMMMPH!" Tamaki shot back, his expression just as livid, as he snaked toward the snack area. Renge jammed one high heeled foot down in his path. "I don't think so."

"Mmmmmph?" he pleaded.

"Do you think I like doing this to you?" She blared at him through the megaphone. "Do you think I like starving you?"

"MMMMMPH!" Frustrated flopping.

"The twins, now draped in turquoise colored towels, leaned against the snack stand.

"Ew..." Kaoru bit into a Ritz cracker. "These are soggy."

"Can't we have the snack area outside?"

"WE CANNOT HAVE IT OUTSIDE!" Renge boomed, finally coming to her wit's end. "You just want everything, don't you?"

"Just food that isn't too watery, thanks."

"And what's up with your script?" Hikaru asked, dully. "It doesn't make any sense."

"Why would our lives be over because we lost a basketball game?"

"Not that we're even_ on_ the basketball team."

"And why would Hikaru ask me how hard I want it?"

"Yeah." Hikaru agreed. "I would know exactly how hard he wants it and where."

"It sounds pretty stupid to us."

Renge simmered in a silent fury and they just became more bored.

"Come on, Tono." They addressed the hungry blonde on the locker room floor.

"Stop being such a prude."

"It's not like we're gonna rape you."

"We were just gonna molest you a little."

"The sooner you comply, the sooner we can leave."

"Hmph." The blonde just lifted his nose in the air, expression stubborn.

Kaoru sighed. "Take out the gag. Let's try to compromise again."

"But last time we tried to compromise-"

"I'm takin' a break." Cameron groaned and left for his van where there was peace, quiet, and aspirin. Renge kneeled down to undo the gag. The twins had left the deed up to her after Hikaru narrowly escaped the loss of a finger only an hour ago. With the release, Tamaki let out a deep breath of relief before visually zoning in on the twins.

"I'M GOING TO _KILL _YOU!"

"That's always nice to hear."

"UNTIE ME!"

"Why?"

"Aren't you going to kill us?"

"Listen retard." Renge took him by the chin and snatched his head around to face her demon gaze. "What's so hard about shutting up and keeping still?" Her voice was a low growl. "And occasionally moaning for the audience's pleasure?" she added as an afterthought.

"Do you _know _who I am?" he shot back, despite the expected tears creeping to the edges of his eyelids.

Renge was not impressed. "The uke in my boy love porno?"

"NO!" he bellowed. "I'm the Host KING! I should be the dominant one! I should be SEME! Not those bastards!"

"We tried to let you be seme, Tono." Hikaru leaned on his right shoulder.

"You couldn't even tie the rope right." Kaoru took the left.

"And you slipped on the suds."

"YOU PUSHED ME, ASSHOLE!"

"SILENCE!" Renge gave him a firm slap on the head. "You're uke whether you like it or not!"

"But I don't wanna be uke!" his voice grew progressively whinier as he flailed about in nothing but nude speedos. "I DON'T WANNA! I DON'T WANNA! I DON'T WANNAAAA!"

"That's not very seme of you, Tono."

"Enough!" Renge groaned. "I'm going upstairs and I'm not coming back until you get your act together and behave like a good uke!" She lashed out with her megaphone to point at the diva. "Don't let him eat!"

"NOOOO!"

"Aye Aye Captain!" The twins saluted as she closed the door and stepped out into the crowded foyer. Sighing, she wiped the sweat from her brow. What troublesome actors. Hopefully, the other four wouldn't be as much trouble...

* * *

"So... the cafeteria?"

"Yeah."

"What a bothersome setting."

"Mm."

"Do people really have sex here?"

"Probably."

"Have you?"

Kyouya straightened his glasses and turned to the side to stare at the girl resting beside him upon the white, marble lunch table.

"That's a bold thing to ask, Haruhi."

"Oh." Haruhi blinked. "Was that too personal?"

No. Asking about one's sexual hijinks was especially impersonal. Like she didn't know. Cunning bitch. Never mind the fact that he actually _had_ done it in the cafeteria. He watched as she stared up at the ceiling, large chocolate eyes moving over the crystal chandeliers. What was she thinking about? He adjusted his attention back to his diary. Haruhi Fujioka would be a hard nut to crack...

_I wonder if DiGiorno will be on sale at the supermarket today.._. Haruhi pondered. _Mmmmm. DiGiorno..._

"Kyouyaaaaaa!" A dreaded voice called from the entrance of the empty cafeteria, yards away and they both raised their heads to see Renge dashing through the table aisles.

"Renge." Kyouya slipped his diary onto a rosy dining chair cushion and put on his most effective rehearsed smile. It was especially difficult when dealing with her.

"Are you two ready?" She beamed a bit too brightly as she signaled for her camera crew to prepare.

"As ready as we're going to be." Kyouya smiled again, a slight hint of malice in his tone. Renge remained completely oblivious. Haruhi, however, felt the hairs at the back of her neck stand up.

"Cameras! Lights!" Renge boomed through the megaphone as a score of bright white lights glared over the cafeteria. "ACTION!"

Haruhi fidgeted about the white marble in her school uniform. It was suddenly very hot. Thanks to the lights. And it didn't help that Kyouya was currently hovering over her. Now, what was her line again?

"Oh, Damien," she stated rather blandly before raising an eyebrow. "Damien?"

"KEEP GOING!" Renge screeched.

"Oh, Damien."

"Stop looking offset!" Renge slapped a hand to her forehead. "Look at _him_!"

Haruhi frowned, but continued anyhow. The sooner they got this over with, the sooner she could drop by the supermarket. "Oh, Damien." She stared up at Kyouya. "Are you sure we should be doing this?"

'Damien' stared lovingly down at her. Or at least he was attempting to. However, there was something vaguely insincere about the gesture. "Why?" He slipped a finger underneath her chin to tilt her gaze upward. "Are you afraid?"

Haruhi should think so. The table was hard and the lavender ceramic floors even harder. What if they fell and hurt themselves? Or what if a custodian walked in? Why couldn't a bed suffice? Why did people go through troublesome things like this? "No. Of course not."

"Once more." Renge growled. "With _feeling_?"

Haruhi cleared her throat. "_No_. Of... course not?"

Kyouya thought he might have actually smirked if this wasn't _his_ scene partner. But, unfortunately, that wasn't the case. "Then why not?"

"... I. I."

"No!" Renge scolded. "That's meant as a stutter!"

"I... I..." Haruhi glanced up at her for approval.

"Forget it." She nearly slammed the megaphone against her forehead. "We'll dub over it. Just go again!"

Thirty seconds later...

"Haruhi?" Kyouya's fingers played at the edges of her dress shirt, the other hand pulling at her tie. "Have you ever done this before?"

"Yes."

Silence.

"I mean no." Haruhi glanced over her shoulder and scanned the ground for her script. "That was a 'no', wasn't it?"

"KEEP GOING!"

"No."

"Then let me show you." He gave a slight smirk, in which she thought she caught something fleetingly predatory behind the glass, before delving down to capture her lips with more force than necessary. Truth be told, it felt more like a surprise attack than anything remotely romantic.

"Senp-mph!" Her words gave him the entrance he'd been begging for and he stormed in, without much heed for formalities. His tongue explored her own hungrily, his hands briskly slipping their way up her dress shirt. She had to practically pry him away.

"Senpai, that hurt!" She glared up at him as she swept the back of her hand across her slightly bruised lips. "What the hell is your problem?"

"Hey!" Renge barked.

"I was just giving the customers a show," he replied, coolly as ever, though his breathing came more rushed than usual. "You agreed to be part of this project, Haruhi."

"I don't know what you're so pissed off about." The cross dresser reached down to straighten her wrinkled shirt. "But you don't have to take it out on me."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Really. Who would use kissing as an assault weapon?

A thoroughly disturbed individual with serious problems. That's who.

"Can we get on with it now?" Renge's megaphone enhanced voice thundered through out the cafeteria.

Haruhi gave Kyouya a skeptical look. He just sighed and reached for his diary.

"I'm afraid not."

"HUH?"

"Didn't I tell you?" he asked innocently, knowing quite well that he hadn't. "Haruhi's acquired a body rash."

"WHAT?"

"He won't be able to perform." Kyouya went on to explain. "You'll have to use the footage that you already have."

Renge let out a cry of despair after slamming her megaphone down on an unsuspecting cameraman's head. "TAKE 5!" she nearly sobbed before sprinting out of the cafeteria in distress.

"... a body rash?"

"Well, how were _you _planning on getting out of it?" Kyouya opened his beloved notebook and began to focus on a page near the center.

"I didn't know we had to actually have sex." Haruhi leaned back, her arms stretched behind her in support.

He glanced at her. "How do you think porn is made, Haruhi?"

"Can't they use CG or something?"

He blinked before retiring back to his diary. Her rare moments of innocent stupidity amused him. But just a little.

"I've never seen porn so..."

That much was obvious.

"Kyouya-senpai?"

Grunt.

"Are you alright?"

"Why?"

She lifted a finger to point. "You jabbed a hole through the paper."

"..."

"... Maybe you should see a therapist."

* * *

Somewhere on the grassy green campus grounds, Renge was squealing in excitement from behind Chris the cameraman. The two actors had made their way up to the tree branches now.

"That's it!" Renge gushed. "That's amazing!" These two were the ideal types to work with. She hadn't even had to do much directing and, unlike certain starving divas and commoners with rashes, Mori made an excellent uke!

"Mitsukuni." Mori breathed as he was thrown, back first, against the upper tree trunk.

"Be still, Takashi." The hobbit told him, his palm pressed firmly against his cousin's chest. He had chosen his lesser known dual personality for today. "Only speak when I tell you."

Mori bowed his head.

"AHHHH!" Renge screeched from the grass. "IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL! I CAN'T TAKE IT! MOE! MOE!"

The actors nearly glimpsed down. What was she saying? Anyway...

"Mitsukuni." Mori pulled the hobbit closer to him. "What would you have me do?"

"I..." Hunny started. "I..." He looked down at the cameras. "I need cake!"

"WHAT?" Renge nearly had a heart attack. "HANINOZUKA!" She latched on to the tree root as though she were about to come up and get him. "This is your tenth cake break!"

"I need my cake." Hunny hopped down, eyes uncharacteristically cold, dual personality still in play.

"B- But-"

"Let him have it." Mori suddenly spoke from beside her.

"Eh?" She gazed up at her number one uke. "Mori!" Her expression lit up. "How did you get to be so good at being somebody's bitch?"

Mori's expression remained blank. "Years of practice."

"My other ukes are terrible." she sobbed. "The poor one..."

"Food." Mori offered his solution.

"And then that idiot king."

"Rope."

"We tried that..."

"Shackl- Mitsukuni." Mori suddenly addressed his cousin, leaning down to lick a spot of strawberry frosting from his chin. "This is your twentieth cake."

The hobbit gasped before taking on a dead serious look. "Get the boys on the phone."

"Mitsukuni-"

"Don't argue with me, Takashi!"

Mori let out a deep sigh as he pulled out a Samsung phone and began to dial "the boys". "You know what the doctor said, Mitsukuni."

"Fuck the doctor." Hunny seethed.

Mori shook his head. It pained him to do this. A voice answered on the other side and he responded, "Send in the boys." With that, he clicked the phone shut and started with his cousin back toward the school.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" Renge bellowed.

"We'll be back in half an hour."

"HALF AN HOUR?"

"Don't test me." Hunny shot over his shoulder before strolling on, one arm wrapped around his "bitch".

Renge groaned and fell upon the grass in exhaustion. How could anything possibly get any worse?

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the cafeteria...

The double doors to the dining room swung open and three boys pummeled through, one of them clawing at the others' throats.

"Come on, Tono!" Kaoru let out a high pitched cackle between each strangle.

"We untied you and let you eat and this is the thanks we get?" Hikaru tugged playfully at the blonde's arms.

"What's going on?" Haruhi called from her table towards the head of the room.

"Haruhi!" Hikaru waved and charged in her direction.

Kaoru pulled free from Tamaki's clutches and followed after. "Tono's just butthurt because he's uke."

"Ah." she responded dully.

"Don't fill her head with that nonsense!" Tamaki rushed forward, an emerald green towel draped around his waist. He turned to the only girl in the room. "Haruhi, your daddy is seme! You know that!"

"How would she know that?" Hikaru inquired.

"You sound like a pretty perverted father."

Kyouya adjusted his glasses and dared to gander at the spectacle before him. "Did you three finish your shoot?"

"No." Hikaru groaned. "Tono wouldn't act right."

"He kept hitting us and complaining about being touched inappropriately."

"It wasn't even anything serious."

"It's not like we were actually going to fuck him."

"Who would want that?" They both finished in unison.

"What did you say?" Tamaki snarled.

"Calm down, senpai." Haruhi approached the snack table, as she was prone to do. "If you didn't want to be touched inappropriately, why did you agree to this?"

"I signed up to be SEME!" he whined, his eyes suddenly taking on a fearful gleam. "And what about you?" Two large hands suddenly reached out to take her by the shoulders. "Have _you_ been touched inappropriately?" He turned to glower at his best friend. "Has there been any inappropriate touching in here?"

"_Move._" Haruhi shoved his hands away. He was putting a barrier between her and her meal. It wasn't the most intelligent thing to do.

"Haruhi can't film any sex scenes because she's a girl, remember?" Kyouya gave him a mocking reminder.

"Well, I never know with y-"

"HEY!" A familiar, electronically amplified voice came out of the blue. "WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING IN HERE?"

Everyone turned stimutaneously to stare at the entrance.

"Wow." Hikaru finally began.

"You look a hot mess."

"SHUT UP!" Renge trudged toward the front of the high ceilinged room, grass marks staining the white of her outfit. "I DIDN'T TELL YOU TO LEAVE THE LOCKER ROOM!" She jutted a finger out to point at Tamaki. "AND WHAT IS HE DOING WALKING FREE?"

The blonde shrieked and dove underneath a dining table.

"Hm." Renge dropped to her knees and lifted the white, silken skirts to peer at him. "Your color is back." She turned her eyes on the twins. "You fed him, didn't you?"

"He looked so pathetic." Kaoru explained as they slowly backed away from the deranged otaku. "We had to."

"Besides, it was the only way to shut him up."

"You don't know what it's like being stuck in a steamy room with-"

"No more excuses!" Renge screamed, her hands clamped tightly over her ears. "How did you get out of the locker room unnoticed anyway?"

"We didn't," Hikaru corrected.

"The jocks didn't seem too surprised though." Kaoru went on.

"We let them have it back."

"WHAT?" Renge slapped a hand to her forehead. "YOU THREE MAKE A TERRIBLE SEME-UKE TEAM!"

They all just shrugged.

"I HAVE TO REGROUP YOU WITH SOMEONE ELSE NOW!" she warned.

"Okay." The twins grinned. Tamaki seemed wary as he crawled out from under the table.

"Tamaki!" Renge frowned and furrowed her brow in thought. "I'll put you with..." She bit at her thumb.

"How about Kyouya?" The twins offered. Kyouya's eyes drifted briefly from his diary to meet with his best friend's.

"No!" Tamaki immediately objected. "That would never work!"

"Why, Tono?" Hikaru smirked slyly.

"I thought you could seme over anyone."

"I can!" he turned away, a weak attempt at hiding the discomfort etching its way onto his features. "I just-"

"NO WAY!" Renge gave them all a disgusted look. "No way would my Damien EVER be interested in such a weak uke!"

"SEME!"

A deep sigh. "I guess you'll have to be." She placed a palm dramatically over her chest. "This will be the weakest point in my directing career yet, but..." She pointed to the Pocky nibbling commoner. "Haruhi! We'll work around your rash! You're with Tamaki!"

The blonde gasped and slipped his rapidly reddening face into his hands.

"I don't have a script prepared so..."

Haruhi's stomach dropped.

"You'll have to improvise."

Goddammit...

* * *

Take One...

"Haruhi." Tamaki approached a candlelit table in the center of the darkened, deserted cafeteria wearing his usual school uniform, sans blazer. The table top was furnished nicely in red velvet. Upon the center of the cloth sat a large, silver fountain, thick, rich brownish liquid gushing over the sides. Sparkling wine glasses caught the fading evening glow as it peeked in from closed curtains. Two silver platters filled pass the rim with fruit. "Have you been waiting long?"

Haruhi just stared at the chocolate fountain and the strawberries surrounding it.

"CUT!"

* * *

"Pay attention!"

Take Two...

"Haruhi." Tamaki said once again, his tone soft and gentle. "Have you been waiting long?"

"No." Haruhi stated blankly.

"CUT!" Renge seemed ready to tear her hair out. "Give him some type of drama!"

* * *

Into Take Three...

"Have you been waiting long?"

"Yeah." Haruhi forced her expression into a scowl. It was easy when looking at him. "Since 3:00." Her slender fingers grasped the table cloth tightly, more so an unconscious attempt to be closer to the food, than actual acting.

"I'm sorry." One of those infamous smiles slipped over his lips, so hypnotic, yet full of sincerity that anyone would be swayed. "Could you ever forgive me?"

Anyone but Haruhi. "No."

"CUT!" Renge nearly blew her vocal chords. "THAT'S ENOUGH DRAMA!"

* * *

Into Take Six...

"Can you ever forgive me?"

"I suppose." She thought about the supermarket again and a genuine smile surfaced from the depths.

Tamaki was caught off guard. "I..." he stammered. "I thought about you all day."

"CUT!" Renge tossed a black, spiked heel onto set, catching him just upside the head. "Semes don't blush! DO WE HAVE TO USE BASE AND FOUNDATION?" She marched onto the set to retrieve her shoe from a moaning Tamaki. "Stupid uke. Can't do anything right..."

* * *

Into Take Eleven... with base and foundation...

"I thought about you all day." he leaned down to whisper into her ear.

What a creepy thing to say... Haruhi nearly frowned. "I thought about... you too?"

"Really?" He advanced on her so that she had no space left to back into. The curve of her hips pressed up against the table ledge and he laid his hands upon the velvet on each side. She was trapped. Or at least that's what it felt like.

"Yes." she replied from within his embrace, a slight feeling of uneasiness rising in the pit of her stomach. Tamaki gave a slightly trembling breath before gingerly taking her cheek and planting a chaste kiss upon the skin. Wow. He was really getting into this. If she didn't know any better, she would say that he'd forgotten where he was at the moment.

"I thought about how it would feel," he breathed into her hair. "... to make love to you."

"Eh-"

He gasped all of a sudden, his eyes growing wide as if clearly seeing her for the first time. "Haruhi?"

"... Senpai?"

Making choking noises, he backed away from the scene, hands covering his face. She blinked a few times. Was that red showing through the foundation? He finally toppled over a kitchen cart.

"CUT!"

"I knew it was too good to be true." remarked Hikaru.

"Did you forget who you were talking to, Tono?"

They gathered around the fallen virgin, mainly to keep a raging Renge from trampling him.

"You must be kidding me." Hikaru kicked at the boy's head. "You're the biggest tease in school."

"You've said that to at least seventy percent of the student body, Tamaki." Kyouya put in.

"Why are you freaking out now?"

"Terrible father," they picked up from the insane mumblings of the blonde.

"Once an uke," Renge seethed. "Always an uke."

"NO!" He suddenly snapped up from his fetal position. "I'm King Seme! And I'll prove it!"

"You can't even finish the scene." Kaoru drawled as they followed Renge off set.

"You two ignorant bastards don't know anything." Tamaki shot up from the ground, expression smug. "I've only been holding back up until this point!"

"Yeah, sure."

"Watch this!" He turned to his scene partner. "Come on, Haruhi!" King Seme marched back toward the table, dragging an apparently reluctant uke behind him.

"Senpai..." Haruhi took her place again, back pressing against the table ledge.

"Calling me an uke..." he muttered under his breath.

"Is it really that serious?"

"I'll show them..." And before she could continue her protest, he spun around, eyes fiery, index finger pointed towards the main camera. "Are you ready, Bob?"

"It's Brett actually." replied the monotonous English cameraman.

"ACTION!"

"Hey!" Renge thundered. "That's my jo-"

And the scene began.

"Haruhi." Tamaki pulled her- too closely- against him, one arm looping about her waist, fingers threaded through her hair.

"Too tight." she grumbled into his tie.

"Shh!" His thumb found her lips. "Don't speak."

More grumbling.

"Relax."

"Geroff me!"

"I'll be gentle."

With that said, he suddenly straddled her upon the table, arm linked possessively around the small of her back. The velvet creased and pulled, sending the silver fountain and both platters crashing to the ceramic floors. Now, upon the table, staring directly down at her, their bodies touching and breathing rushed... Now... he wasn't sure exactly what to do. Crap! He hadn't thought this far yet! It had seemed like a really good idea just forty seconds ago...

"Good job, Tono!" He heard the whispered praise from off set. Now it was decided. He had to think of more totally awesome seme things to do right away! But first... why was she staring at him like that?

"Ha... Haruhi?" he began in a nervous tone, unfitting for any seme.

She just glowered up at him, eyes uncharacteristically dark with ten times their usual subzero atmosphere.

"D-" he began wildly, his hands racing up to grasp hers. "Did I hurt you?"

With a low growl, she made a slow turn of her neck to gaze longingly over the edge of the table, where a lone strawberry sat in remembrance of what once was. What could have been.

"Oh!" The whites of his eyes expanded. "I'm so sorry, Haruhi! I should have realized!" He dived over the edge before popping back up with silver and a smile. "Look! The tablecloth cushioned the fountain's fall!" The contraption was still running. Or at least the chocolate was gushing out of one side anyway. And that's all that really mattered.

Haruhi's eyes softened a bit as she sat up. "The strawberries?"

"These are fine!" He held up the remains of one of the square platters. "Do you want one?"

"I want one." Haruhi took on a trance-like stare at the plate of fruit.

Hikaru looked down on a defeated Renge before gazing back up at his brother. "Should you call 'Cut' or should I?"

"Together."

"CUT!" Both twins echoed onto the set.

"You shouldn't be so wasteful of food, senpai." Haruhi scolded as she bit into a rather large, rosy strawberry.

Tamaki hunched up into his signature ball, arms wrapped around knees, and allowed one violet eye to peer out from behind a mess of golden curls.

"And you were doing so well, Tono." Hikaru skipped on over.

"We knew it wouldn't last." Kaoru sighed as he reached for a strawberry.

"Hey!" The blonde snapped. "Those are Haruhi's!"

"Damn, Hikaru." The twin ignored him. "I'm glad Tono wasn't our seme."

"If that's being gentle, I don't want to know what he thinks rough is."

A door closed somewhere in the center of the room. It was the type of noise heard when one didn't want to be detected, soft, the hinges squeaking hesitantly.

"Kyouya-senpai?" Kaoru blinked as the darker haired boy stepped out of the kitchen area, fingers rubbing suspiciously at his nose.

_Dammit._ "Hm?"

"What were _you_ doing in there?" Tamaki shot him an accusing look.

He pushed his glasses so far up the bridge of his nose that they looked a bit silly. "That's none of your business, Tamaki." Was this idiot trying to out him in front of the entire club?

"Ooooh!" Hikaru jeered. "Mommy and daddy fight!"

"Is this a seme-uke challenge?" Who cared about the movie anymore? Watching their king attempt to hold complete dominance was hella funny. "We'll switch and take Haruhi!" They both stretched their arms around the food occupied commoner.

"No!" Tamaki smacked both twins upside the head with a silver platter. "You can't take Haruhi! And besides..." He turned his head away, an inexplicable blush on his cheeks, and added lowly, "Kyouya wouldn't be able to handle me."

"Ooooooh!" The twins instigated, their eyes sliding over to goggle the Shadow King.

"Isn't that a fairly ridiculous claim to make?" Kyouya forced through an artificial grin that he was having trouble maintaining. "Based on history?"

Kaoru turned to his brother. "Based on history?"

"Probably Tono's constant fail today." Yeah, that was probably it.

"I don't know." Haruhi spoke through a mouth full of strawberry. "Kyouya-senpai can actually get pretty rough."

The twins and Tamaki snapped around to gape at her.

"HOW DO _YOU_ KNOW?" The blonde abruptly stumbled into standing position, his expression distressed. "I can't take this anymore." He stormed toward the double doored exit. "I'm going to my trailer!"

"We don't have trailers, Tono."

"Fuck off!"

"Okay."

* * *

King Seme stared woefully down over the school grounds as he leaned over the roof's metallic railing, the breeze toying with his blonde bangs. A smoking blunt sat perched between his thumb and index finger. It smelled suspiciously of mandarin oranges. Tamaki took another drag. These commoners were truly amazing beings to create such a thing. But he would gush about that later. For now, he would angst. His brooding violet eyes focused on a freshmen being pummeled with pennies just below in the seventh courtyard. So Kyouya was back on drugs again. Was it because of him? Would he, himself, turn to drugs if he couldn't mess around with himself anymore too? There was a strong possibility...

And Haruhi. He should have never let her get involved in these shennigans. Not with those demonic assholes always trying to get in her boxers. Did Haruhi wear boxers, he wondered. Or girls underwear? Granny panties? Maybe briefs. He shook his head to rid himself of the images that were beginning to rise in his mind's eye. What kind of father thought about such things?

And to top things off, they wouldn't let him be seme. Just because he'd made a few mistakes. The uke roll didn't fit him at all! This was the third time this month that he'd been sexually assaulted and he was starting to get very tired of-

"EYAH!" He let out a cry as someone smacked him on the behind.

"My bad, senpai."

"_Haruhi?_"

"I was aiming for your back."

"Oh." His nerves twisted into a new coil and a barely noticeable blush sprang over his brooding features. Was this some sort of daughterly affection?

"There was a bee there."

"HUH?" He choked, alarmed.

"It's gone now." She sighed as he danced back and forth, patting wildly at his back- which was quite dangerous, considering the cigar.

"Ah." He fell against the railing again, breathing heavy. "How did... How did you know I was up here?"

"I didn't." She answered honestly. In fact, the only reason she'd come is because she'd hoped he wasn't up there. She gave him a sideways glance. "Smoking again?"

"I-It's made by commoners!" he exclaimed, as if that helped the situation. "Citrus flavored!"

"Hm." She rested her arms in alignment with the railing, lowered her chin against them, and closed her eyes.

"Does it..." Tamaki gave her a worried look. "Does it bother you, Haruhi?"

"No." Her eyelids parted and she gazed up toward the darkening evening sky. "My dad started smoking sometime after my mom passed so I really don't care."

"Oh." he spoke softly, sympathy overpowering the attempted angst in his expression. The gaze in her eyes grew further and further away. He remained silent. There was no need for him to dwell on it. And neither should she. "Haruhi" he began, so excitedly that the girl nearly jumped.

"_What?_"

"Are you enjoying shooting so far?" he smiled widely down at her.

Stupid question. "No, it's irritating."

"Eh?" His eyes widened. "You... You didn't like the chocolate covered strawberries?"

Her expression grew thoughtful. "Well, yes."

He beamed.

"But you ruined most of them."

He was back to brooding. She just rolled her eyes.

"How much longer do you think we'll have to shoot that scene anyway?"

Tamaki gasped. That's right. They would have to finish it.

"Especially since I can't take my uniform off."

"Well," Tamaki pondered. "Can't they just do all of that with CG?"

"That's what I thought."

They pondered this for a while. The movie industry used it all the time...

"Well, I'm heading back down, senpai." And she slunk around the corner of the roof house before he could even activate the puppy dog eyes.

* * *

"Haru-chan! Haru-chan!" Haruhi stepped outside of the academy building and turned to see a happy and decidedly thinner hobbit as he bolted out of the back doors of a huge white van. A shame-faced Mori followed not far behind.

"Hunny-senpai?" She blinked as the van sped off. "What were you two doing in there?"

"Ah..." He trailed off before giving her another sickeningly sweet smile. "Just the usual!" he lied.

"Ah..." She knew what the usual was...

"HARUHIIII!" Renge was suddenly in her face, expressions fast moving and highly animated. "I just found these amazing guys to rape you!"

Haruhi thought about this for a second before giving stone faced, "... what?"

"Well!" Renge let out a painfully pitched giggle. "They're not really going to rape you! They're just going to pretend to!"

"Why-"

"This is them!" She pulled a shaggy, darkish brown haired member of the basket ball team to the side, as well as Kujo, the team's weakest link.

"What the fuck?" Rapist Number One roared.

"Yeah!" Kujo, who just wanted to belong, echoed.

"Er..." Haruhi frowned nervously. "Renge..."

"Let's just get these pants undone." The otaku director grabbed Haruhi mercilessly by the belt and began to tinker with the buckle. "Are you getting this, Mark?"

"YESU BOSS!" called an Engrish cameraman.

"Renge-"

"Shhh." She yanked the belt out from its straps and the black uniform pants fell loosely against Haruhi's thighs. "This is going in the 'Making of'!

"But-!"

"Shut up!" Renge pulled the pants down around her ankles. It was a good thing she'd worn those pizza printed boxers today... Jumping to an erect position again, Renge nearly tore the blazer from her shoulders and started on her dress shirt.

"Renge." Haruhi begged as she was forced back into the bricked school wall, twisting her body just enough to hide her lack of expected genitals. "You don't have to do this."

"Didn't I tell you to shut up?" Renge scolded. "Why do you keep twisting around like that? Do I have to kick you in the balls?"

"I don't have- CRAP!"

Haruhi kneeled over in pain, eyes squeezed shut. And they said it was only supposed to hurt guys...

"Huh?" Renge blinked. Wasn't there a lack of something in that kick? But before she could ponder what it was, someone had took her by the shoulders.

"Hey!" Kujo yelled. "... Bitch!" He turned to his fellow team member for approval and the boy nodded in support. Oh, yeah. He was really getting cool points now! "Don't make me hurt y-"

"Hey!" Haruhi stepped between him. Or more like stumbled... Her middle was still throbbing like a giant spasm had overtook it. "Let her go!"

"Yeah!" Renge gave him a sharp kick in the shin and he yelped before crashing to the ground, taking Haruhi with him.

"Shit..." she cursed, the pain in her back almost intense enough to dull out Renge's kick. Her eyes watered a bit. Stupid... homosexual boy love porno...

"Haruhi!" A dreadfully familiar voice suddenly called. "Did you talk to Renge-chan about those computer graph-" He froze in mid-sentence at the scene before him. Haruhi... in pizza boxers... So she did wear them. But that wasn't important right now!

"Huh?" Kujo blinked from his place towering over her. "Suou? So they finally untied y-"

Kujo never got to finish his sentence, as he was abruptly straddled against the school wall and socked across the jaw.

"GYAH!"

"Why?" Long fingers clawed into the material of his jersey collar and pulled him forward to face wild, emotional amythest eyes. "_Why did you do it?_"

Unfortunately, Kujo didn't get a chance to answer as he was knocked against the wall again.

"Dayum..." the captain of the basket ball team- of which was now all conveniently present- exclaimed over the cries of Kujo. "Kujo is getting his ass kicked."

"And by Suou no less."

"Suou, wait!" Kujo cried, mid-punch. "I didn't do it! I swe-"

"Haruhi?" Tamaki turned to the assaulted commoner. She nodded and Kujo took another punch to the jaw.

A low chorus of "Dayum!"s and camera beeps rose from the basketball team.

"No, senpai!" Haruhi dodged over to the scene, her fingernails sinking into the blonde's back. "I mean he didn't do it! Nothing happened to me!"

"Huh?" Tamaki blinked, as if coming out of a daze and let the other boy fall back against the wall. "Nothing?"

"No." Haruhi breathed, still a bit surprised at his sudden outburst. "We were just setting up a scene."

"Oh..."

"Why didn't you save me?" A black and blue Kujo pulled at Haruhi's boxer leg. "Why didn't you save me earlier?"

Tamaki's defense mechanism seemed to snap back into place at the boxer pulling and Kujo crawled off in the opposite direction, the entire basketball team laughing after him.

"Haruhi." Tamaki knelt by her side, fresh tears falling as quickly as Kujo's cool point count. "You looked hurt."

"Oh, that?" Haruhi squeezed her legs together tightly. "Renge kicked me in the vag."

"Eh..."

They bother turned to scowl at an elated Renge.

"That was so beautiful!" she cried. "The punching. The violence!" She spun around to point at Mark. "DID YOU GET THAT?"

"YESU BOSS!"

"It was so... So!... SO SEME!"

_Crash!_

"NO!" Mark screamed. "MY CAMERAGA!"

"... your what?"

They all turned to see a smashed camera lens, the remains tinkling down from the hard edge of Kyouya's diary. He masked a grin with an irritated glare. That had felt so good.

"Damien!"

"Don't call me that."

"Kyouya!" Renge cried. "How could you do this?"

"I'm afraid that there can be no record of club members committing violent acts." He brushed his diary off. "Our customers wont want to see us in that light. And besides..." He positioned his glasses so that she caught his death glare completely. "You're really starting to piss me off." He brushed past her and headed for the building's entrance. Head cradled in exhaustion- and possibly withdrawal symptoms- he turned back. The four stared after him.

"... What the fuck are you all looking at?"

"Nothing." They all chorused before quickly peering at the grass as if it held some interest.

Haruhi reminded herself to never get on his bad side. She didn't want to end up like Renge- whom was currently sobbing into the dirt.

"That's not fair!" She pounded at an unfortunate mushroom. "He was supposed to be a good, kind seme who would take me places and buy me things and make out with other guys for me-"

"That's not who Kyouya is." Tamaki frowned. For the most part anyway.

"B- But-"

"Renge." Haruhi kneeled down beside her, pants back in place. "You can't give guys labels like 'seme' and 'uke'. Real relationships don't work that way." She took her hands. "You have to see them as people and accept them for both their strengths _and_ their weaknesses. Just like you would want someone to do for you." She smiled. "You're a good person... even though you kicked me in the balls."

So..." Renge blinked tearily. "You're saying that guys can be both seme... and uke?"

"Er..."

"Haruhi." Her eyes glistened with raw emotion.

"I'm going to the supermarket." Haruhi groaned as she stood to her feet, blazer dragging after her.

"I'll walk you to the gate!" Tamaki scrambled after her, not wanting to be left alone with Renge.

"I taku batarun baraku." Mark excused himself.

Renge just sat there and picked at the shattered glass, no longer worried at the fact that the lighter stripes in her outfit were now more grass stained than white. It was as if her entire world had come crashing down around her. And perhaps it had. She took her black director's hat and tossed it away. Not long after, she heard someone approaching from around the corner.

"You're still here." The deeper voice noted. It's owner bent down to take the hat and brushed the dirt lightly from its cloth.

"Leave me alone." Renge turned away, fighting the blush rising in her cheeks. "I can't believe you turned out to be such an asshole. I'm never making shrines for you again!"

A sigh. Maybe he had been a bit rude. Well, cocaine was a hell of a drug. "I just wanted the camera footage."

"Well, you can't have it!"

She tensed a bit as she felt fingers massaging at her shoulders. "Perhaps I can persuade you."

"Persuade me?" She blinked up at him. Did he think that sweet talking would work? "No way! You broke my heart! I don't love you anymore!"

"Renge please." He lifted her chin to meet his own darkened gaze. "Who said anything about love?"

* * *

ALRIIIIGHT! And I'm done with another one! This chapter was ULTRA LONG! GRRRR! I tried to include everything requested. One of you asked for Bondage. One for TamaXHaru. Two for TamakiXTwins. Four for Twincest. And then four for KyouXTama. Now, I know I spread it really thin with the KyouXTama, but I wasn't expecting so many votes for it. I thought that KyouXTama- if anything- would be the mistake that my readers would get mad at me for constantly putting in the story, but it seems to have gotten a pretty good reaction overall. Anyway, I had some fun writing this. Took a while. Was that a weak ending? I just thought that it had went on for so long... Did I fail at Tamaki's "GRRR! FIGHT!" moment? He's so multi-charactered. It's hard keeping him in character sometimes with all of his different characters O.o If that makes any sense. Was the roof scene needless and trite? I'm trying to establish the main pairing here a bit... Give me your thoughts! PLEASE! What did you LIKE? Not like? ETC? Thank you! REVIEW!

NEXT CHAPTER WILL INCLUDE TRUTH AND DARE! AND FIGHTING TWINS!


	11. Dare or Dare?

Amiko Masuri finally broke away, breathless, from her female classmate and tossed a few dark wispy bangs from her hazel eyes. She slunk smoothly and sensually back to her place in the circle like a tiger prowling backwards. "How was that?" she winked at the two whom had given her the dare in the first place. The twins stared at her blank-faced.

"We've seen bet-"

"It was amazing, princess." Tamaki cut in after lashing out from behind the circle to slap them both upside the head. Ignoring their death glares, he crept languidly across the rosy carpet to place one finger beneath her chin, violet eyes tempting. "I'd give anything to have you kiss me like that."

"Tamaki-sama." She breathed shakily and wriggled a bit, her trembling fingers reaching to tug at her collar as if the music room had suddenly increased rapidly in temperature.

"Amiko." He taunted the obviously hot and bothered "princess", tracing one slender finger down her neck.

"I... I dare you..."

He froze up. _Shit._

"To give me a strip tease!" She bounced excitedly and clapped. The other customers in the circle all echoed her excitement. The twins groaned.

"This is Tono's third strip tease."

"We're tired of looking at his ass."

"I only strip down to my underwear, you bastards!" The blonde stood from his place on the carpet and zipped around to face the only girl in the circle who wasn't squealing with anticipation. She'd expected it.

"Haruhi!"

Grunt.

"You escaped the last two times with excuses to go to the bathroom! But-" He abruptly pulled up his blazer sleeve to display a silver plated watch. "I've been timing you and I know for a fact this time that your bladder is on empty!"

"So?"

"So..." He gave a smug chuckle, fingers stroking devilishly at his chin. "You have no excuse this time. You _have _to watch me."

"Whatever."

"EEEEEEE!" The customers squealed. "Homo love!"

"Hey Tono." Kaoru interrupted.

"Is that really fair?"

"Maybe he doesn't want to see your ass either."

"Idiots!" He swept them off of their feet by their collars, his voice sinking into a low whisper. "We've only a matter of time to convert Haruhi back to heterosexuality before she's lost forever!"

"Why don't you just leave her with us for a night?"

"We'll take care of it."

They narrowly dodged a head butt.

"How do you know she was ever straight in the first place?" Hikaru finally smacked his senior's hands away.

"And why do you care so much?" Kaoru added.

"Aren't you her father?" they queried in unison.

"Eh... a father would want to persuade his daughter to grow up to carry on his lineage!"

"By seducing her?"

"Well, I'm going to check on Kyouya-senpai." Haruhi suddenly rose from her place in the circle, thankful to have thought of yet another excuse. The Shadow King had been missing for almost an hour now. She supposed that his choice not to participate in this fiasco was an understandable one. But even so, wouldn't he usually at least sit toward the back of the room, unknowingly snapping photos? His failure to take complete advantage of the situation and everyone involved proved to be very out of character indeed.

"But Haruhi!" Her admirers stared up, twinkly eyed at her.

"Tamaki-sama is going to strip!"

"Are you sure you want to miss it?"

"I'll survive." Haruhi smiled refreshingly. "Besides..." She winked. "I'd much rather have all of _you_ strip for me."

The crowd resounded with squealing and Tamaki slumped downwards in defeat. The twins cackled.

"Looks like it's too late, Tono."

"It's never too late!" The blonde exploded. Jumping to his feet again, he spun around to point in his lesbian daughter's direction. "Haruhi, get your ass back here!"

"Yeah, yeah." She waved over her shoulder as she started in the opposite direction.

"I'll straighten you out!" he vowed. "I'll straighten you out if it's the last thing I do!"

Shrugging, Haruhi moved into the hallway, letting the large double doors of the music room slam on the unnecessary shouting and the customer's pondering on how many naughty, homosexual meanings there could be for "straighten you out". Honestly. Heterosexuality. Homosexuality. Who had the time to care about gender roles anyway? When they could be studying or checking up on the latest deli coupons?

"Oooh!"

Her eyes widened slightly. What was_ that_? She peered down the long, spacious corridors of Ouran Academy only to find them completely empty. Her ears perked up intently for a hint of where the sound had come from, but she could hear nothing but the muffled beat of cheesy stripping music echoing from the club room. She started to shrug and continue down the hall when she heard another noise. A groan this time. Her heart lurched quickly against her chest. Had someone been hurt? Quickening her pace, she darted down the hall, listening carefully at every closed door.

"Nngh!"

Wrong door.

"OooOOooOOoOh!"

Nada.

"OOOOOoooOOOOOOoooOOOOOh!"

She raised an eyebrow. Wrong again.

"Kyouya-sama!"

Blinking in shock, she opened the last door on the right to reveal a shadowed office area. Her eyes traveled down to the gray carpet where a name plate reading 'Professor Ikumo' lay and then up to the black wooden desk in which a pair of eyes stared at her in irritation.

"R..." She stammered. "Renge?"

"G..." The drunken eyed brunette started from her place straddled, back first, against the desk surface, body pinned in a decidedly awkward position. "GET OUT!"

Haruhi narrowly dodged a metal stapler.

"Are you some type of voyeur or something?"

A pencil holder this time.

"Do you like what you see?" Her freshly manicured fingers coiled themselves around a desk lamp. "YOU PERVERT!"

"Drop it."

Haruhi swallowed hard in recognition of the calm, yet resolute tone. The body straddling Renge's had reached out to take her wrist before she could send the lamp flying into Haruhi's skull. Rather than fight back, she smirked and dropped the lamp, her eyes glazing over again.

"Ooh, I love it when you tell me what to-mmmph!" His hand pressed over her lips.

"I told you to lock the door." His irritated gaze shifted toward their unexpected visitor. "Haruhi."

"K-Kyouya-senpai." She squinted. "I didn't recognize you without the glasses."

They both stared at her for a while longer.

She blinked back.

They stared some more. "Well?" he finally asked.

"Well what?" She blinked.

"Get out!" They snapped in unison and she immediately bowed and quickly exited the room, slamming the door behind her. Letting out the deep breath she'd been unconsciously holding in, she sank to her knees, back against the door, her mind drawing a complete blank...

What the _hell_ was wrong with this school? This club? There was more to life than sex, gay sex, and sex in unusual places! Was this really all they thought about? How would she reach graduation alive (and uninfected with venereal disease) under these circumstances? She needed a sign!

"Haruhiiiiiii!"

She glanced up to see Kurokano zooming down the hall in her birthday suit.

"Kurokano-san..."

"OMG!" She giggled as she reached the end of the hall. "I'm so embarrassed!"

_Omg?_ "What are you doing?"

"Dare from the twins!"

_Figures._ She laid her head in her lap. There was no way that she would allow herself to be caught up in all of this. No way in _hell_.

At least, that's what she thought.

* * *

"Taya!" Hunny bounced happily in Mori's lap. "I dare you to confess your love for chocolate cake!"

Taya cooed with joy at the unbelievable cuteness. "I love whatever cake you love, Hunny-senpai!"

"Yaaaaaaay!" The hobbit gushed before gazing up at his lover. "Isn't that great, Takashi?"

"Ah." Mori patted his cousin's head.

"Boriiiiing." Hikaru and Kaoru rang simultaneously.

"Oh." Hunny turned on them, a glint of something demonic in his usually innocent eyes. "Cake is boring, is it?"

The entire circle tensed up, fear seeping into their features.

"Now look what you did!" Tamaki accused in a hushed tone.

"Shut up." Hikaru growled. "You're dripping on us."

"It's your fault for pouring water on me!"

"The girls liked it."

"Kao-chan!" Hunny giggled in a seemingly adorable manner and the three froze mid-argument. "Come here..."

The twins gulped.

"Hikaru." Kaoru grasped his brother's hand tightly.

"It's okay, Kaoru." He pulled him close. "I'll protect you."

And the crowd went wild.

Kaoru, slowly and reluctantly, crossed the rosy carpet to kneel before a somber hobbit. The girls around him mourned his fate. Hikaru and Tamaki bit fiercely at the skin of their fists. Haruhi looked bored.

"Hunny-senpai." Kaoru spoke shakily. "What is it?"

"Take your shirt off."

Kaoru looked as if he'd rather inject himself with poison, but he obliged regardless, tossing the Ouran blazer and white dress shirt into the center of the circle where thirty percent of the customers attacked them rigorously.

The sandy blonde senior held out a palm, bangs completely shading his eyes. "Takashi."

"Ah." Mori placed a slice of German chocolate cake in his hand. No one questioned its prior existence. Then, without a moment's hesitation, the hobbit crushed the piece of cake into a finely mashed goop before spreading it upon Kaoru's chest. The twin gave a small whimper of disgust.

"I dare you to do body shots!" Hunny sang. "With cake!" He spread the mixture down the twin's torso, ending at the start of his hip bone.

"B-" Kaoru stuttered. "But whose going to-"

"Everyone can join in!" The hobbit's eyes gleamed with something vaguely wicked and the customers suddenly appeared to be very hungry.

"But Hunny-senpai!-"

"Ding Ding Ding!" Hunny cried. "Dessert's ready!" And with that, he gave Kaoru a rough shove into the arms of the starving fangirls, whom had suddenly been overcome with an extreme craving for chocolate cake.

"Hikaru!" Kaoru's hand flailed from within the mass of hormonal girls. "Help me!"

"I'm coming, Kaoru!" Hikaru dived into the pile, determined to stave off the crowd.

Tamaki and Haruhi gazed at the hobbit in silent horror.

"Mitsukuni." Mori chided him gently.

"That'll teach them." Hunny spoke darkly. "That'll teach them not to make light of cake."

A few minutes later, the two emerged from the wreckage looking particularly sticky and disheveled, their eyes distinctly careful not to meet the hobbit's. Hikaru retrieved his brother's clothes from a reluctant fan girl and together, shame-faced, they took their places beside their president.

"Ew..." The blonde made a face.

"_Shut up_."

"You need to showe-"

"Haruhi!" Hikaru sneered and Tamaki yelped.

Haruhi groaned. The game was slowly transforming into a weapon of mass destruction.

"I dare you-"

"Who said I chose dare?" Haruhi frowned and leaned forward, cupping her cheeks in her hands. "What if I choose truth?"

This took everyone a bit off guard, as they had basically been playing _Dare_ for the past hour and a half, leaving _Truth_ forgotten somewhere deep in the rubble.

Haruhi blinked. "Isn't that how the game is supposed to go?"

"But Truth is lame." Both twins retorted.

"I don't care."

"Don't be a loser."

"Truth."

"Haruhi is a loser."

"Truth."

"Fine." Hikaru sighed before letting a slow smirk curve about his lips. "Is it true that you enjoyed kissing Tono?"

"EEEEE!" The customers wriggled in their spots. "_When did that happen?_"

Tamaki gasped, scarlet red deepening his cheeks. "Why would you ask something like that?"

"Hm?" Haruhi thumbed at her chin in thought. "Oh yeah."

Tamaki and Hikaru both swallowed hard. Kaoru bit at his bottom lip in concern. "Hikaru?"

"Yeah, I remember now." Haruhi nodded.

"Eh?"

"No." She rubbed at her lips as if reliving the memory. "It hurt actually. And I didn't mean to do it in the first place."

The twins laughed and high fived one another. Tamaki sank lower upon the carpet and the customers began whispering among themselves.

"Is Tamaki-sama a bad kisser?"

"He wasn't bad when he kissed me!"

"No way! He's like a sex god!"

"How do you know?"

"It's just obvious!"

"Enough about Tamaki's sex life." A new voice intruded, male and thick with something more than testosterone. They all turned to see the Cool Type standing near the music room entrance looking perfectly well groomed and polished as usual. Not a thing about his appearance even suggested that he'd been screwing around in an administrator's office only minutes ago.

"Kyouya-sama!"

"Haruhi said you were handling some very important business!" Kurokano gushed. "I hope it went well!"

"It went especially well." He smiled coldly, his glasses back in place and completely glazed over with mysterious light. "In fact, I was debating with our new manager Renge concerning the showing of a private video we've collaborated on for your viewing pleasure!"

"A private video?" Several customers called out at once.

"Are we going to be able to see it, Kyouya-sama?"

"Did you win?"

"Not to worry." Robotic grin still in place, he held a film reel above his head. "I think I've convinced her to see things my way."

"EEEEEE!"

A not so well groomed, unkempt Renge stumbled into the room, her expression confused and slightly dazed, pink bow falling over her eyes.

"Renge-kun?" A number of girls' brows creased with worry.

"Is she okay?"

"Her shoes are on the wrong foot..."

"Ahaha." Kyouya gave a laugh to match his smile. "Renge, are you feeling alright?"

She stared at him for a few seconds, as if registering it. "I... I-"

"Here..." He led her back toward the door by her shoulders. "You should probably go home and get some rest."

"But-"

"_Go home_."

"Call me." She breathed lovingly as the doors slammed in her face.

The customers, the twins, the hobbit, and the incestuous pedophile all surveyed the event with wonder and mild curiosity. Haruhi shifted about uncomfortably. She'd been desperately attempting to forget forty minutes ago, but it had just reinforced itself completely. And had he slept with her just to get that footage? ... No. Of course not. What kind of self respecting human being would do such a thing? She started to think away these disturbing thoughts when, out of the corner of her eye, she caught Tamaki mirroring her expression. What could he be thinking about? He hadn't walked in on them too, had he?

"Senp-"

"Club hours will be ending in just thirty minutes, ladies." Kyouya announced, ignoring their baffled gaze. "Unfortunately, we'll have to bring this game to a close-"

"But Kyouya-sama!" Kyoko- his most loyal fan- started. "You never got to play!"

"And I regret it very much, Kyoko-san, but-"

"You have to play!"

"Play!"

"Play, Kyouya-senpai!" Hikaru and Kaoru sang.

"Play, Kyo-chan!" Hunny nudged his lover and Mori let out a solemn, "Play."

Kyouya just shook his head. Haruhi narrowed her eyes. Was that a bulge rising on his temple? "I simply have to refuse."

"Princesses," Tamaki offered regretfully. "Kyouya is terribly busy. If he can't play, it really can't be hel-"

"I'll purchase more hosting time!"

"Me too!"

"Me too!"

"I'll purchase triple!"

"Well, I suppose I could spare a few moments." Kyouya beamed, kneeling down to take a spot beside Haruhi.

"Kyouya-senpai." She acknowledged him.

He rained ice down on her, eyes shielded. "Did you tell anyone?"

"No."

"Good." He smiled.

"Haruhi!" Kurokano chimed, two rows of perfect white teeth glistening. "It's your turn!"

"Ah..." Haruhi placed an index finger to her lips. She hadn't played Truth or Dare in such a long time. Back in elementary school, she used to dare her friends to make her chocolate milk or bring her food from the kitchen. Practical things. But the kitchen was closed now and there was no milk or cocoa powder in sight. "Um..."

"Oooh!" Two 1st years with hot pink high lighted pigtails giggled from beside her.

"Let us have your dare, Haruhi!"

"Hm?" The uncreative commoner hesitated for a bit. Perhaps giving her dare to two horny fangirls wasn't the most intelligent choice to make.

"We won't do anything bad with it!" They batted their eyes innocently at her. "We promise!"

"Ah." Haruhi nodded stupidly. "Okay."

"EEEEEE!" They squealed together before diving into a hushed exchange of whispers. Their fellow female classmates looked on with building excitement. The boys and Haruhi fidgeted nervously.

"Tamaki-sama!" One of them finally snapped around. Tamaki jumped at the sudden action. Were they going to make him strip again? Surely his customers were more inventive-

"We dare you to make out..." She skimmed the circle using her finger. "... with Hunny-senpai!"

"Huh?" Tamaki cocked an eyebrow. What a strange and creepy request. Mori grunted like a bull, his eyes narrowing. He pulled his wide eyed cousin closer to him, his glare turning on the taller blonde. Tamaki meeped.

"I c-can't..." He pointed at the steaming Mori as if to further demonstrate the reason for his response.

"Hm." The girl frowned in disappointment. "I see what you mean."

"Alright..." Her friend agreed.

He sighed in relief.

"... Make out with Kyouya-sama!"

"Eh?" He looked as if they'd just told him to leap naked from Tokyo Tower.

"What's wrong?" Both pigtailed girls pouted. "Can't you do it?"

Whispers rose up among the group.

"Maybe he's nervous."

"Tamaki-sama would never get nervous!"

"Well, after Haruhi insulted his kissing skills."

"Maybe he really is a bad kisser!"

"That thing with Haruhi was an accident!" A red-faced Tamaki announced to the entire circle. "I am _not_ a bad kisser!"

The customers all turned to beam at him. "Prove it!" they sang.

A sickening sense of deja vu washed over him as their chant grew louder. But he never could refuse a challenge. "Only for you." he half-muttered, half-sobbed as he crawled his way to the center of the circle. A clearly peeved and irate Kyouya met him there and they faced each other on all fours.

"This means nothing." Tamaki hissed, expression completely serious.

"It never meant anything in the first place, Tamaki." Kyouya spoke nonchalantly although the slight twitching in his hands betrayed something more.

Hurt might have momentarily flickered across the blonde's features before another thought passed through his mind. "You..." He lowered his tone to an almost undistinguishable whisper. "You had sex with Renge!"

"Why would I have sex with Renge?"

"Your ninja mind tricks don't work on me!"

"Hm."

"Do you deny it?"

Silence.

"I knew it!" he seethed. "You had sex with Renge for the porn!"

Kyouya's temple bulged. "So what's your point?"

"What kind of-!" Suddenly a look of utter disgust twisted his features. "Did you..." He leaned in to eye him as closely as possible without their faces touching. "Did you go down on her?"

"_No._" Kyouya snapped. "I wouldn't even _kiss_ her."

"Oh, thank God." Tamaki gushed in relief and dropped his head down, fingers covering his lips. Kyouya groaned. What exactly did Tamaki take him for? Some sort of slut? He had _standards._ He might have been a whore, but surely not a dirty one!

"Any century now..." The twins droned together. Kyouya started to dip in and Tamaki immediately shrank away.

"Wait!"

"What?" Kyouya growled.

"I'll do it!"

"... what do you mean you'll do it?" His patience had nearly reached its end.

"Let me do it!"

"Okay..." The Shadow King waited with annoyance for Tamaki to... "do it". Slow torture. That's what this was. And to think it was irritating enough to have to keep his hands to himself in the first place. Tamaki finally leaned in- probably to simply peck him and then attempt to excuse it as "making out". He waited for the tormenting peck, but it never came. Or rather, it never left. Tamaki's kiss started out gentle. He brushed his tongue lightly across the other boy's upper lip while nibbling softly at the bottom. He slipped his fingers upward into ebony black tresses and cradled his face, thumbing gently at his cheeks. But then he went too far. Perhaps it started with the unbuttoning and disposal of Kyouya's uniform blazer. Or maybe it had something to do with Tamaki's arm wrapped possessively around his waist. Despite the fanatic approval from their customers, it was all becoming a bit too much for Kyouya to take. Like any self-respecting, manipulative control freak, he abhorred the thought of losing power over anything. Naturally, that included his body. It was like being trapped in a web. A warm, moving, seductive web, but a web nonetheless. Perhaps, any other time, in a more risque and experimental mood, he might have thrown his guard down and let the pieces fall where they may. However, they were in public and enough people, circumstances, and illegal substances among other things already claimed too much control over him lately. He refused to let Tamaki be one of them.

"Oooooh!" The customers cried in surprise as Kyouya flipped the stunned blonde onto his back.

"Ahhhhh!" Their excitement heightened when he undid his powder blue blazer and practically tore the buttons from his dress shirt.

"Ky-!"

Kyouya silenced him, swiftly leaning in to capture his lips. Tamaki instinctively dove back with no where to turn but stiff, reddish carpet. He lifted his arms to push the other boy away, but they were soon pinned down upon the wooden fabric along with the rest of his body. Kyouya's tongue hungrily explored his mouth as if he would starve if he didn't taste every bit of him. He pressed their bodies harshly together earning him an involuntary moan. The fangirls cheered and he took it as cue to press further... for... financial gain... Yeah, that was it. He began to massage his fingers along Tamaki's bare midriff when-

"Shit!" he hissed softly, breaking away from the kiss to nurse his newly injured tongue. "You bit me, dumbass!"

"_Bastard_." Tamaki snapped back, scrubbing at his lips with the rear of his hand. "I told you it didn't mean anything!"

"Who said it meant anything?"

"Well..." The floodgates opened. "That wasn't fair! I was supposed to-"

"It's not my fault if you always end up on the bottom, Tamaki."

"What are you whispering about?" A random redhead popped into their line of vision.

"We want to hear too." Both twins sang mischievously.

"Get off me!" Tamaki pushed and shoved and Kyouya knew better than to voice the "Do I have to?" teetering at the tip of his tongue. Reluctantly, he pulled away and slithered back toward his former place in the circle before promising to buy the blonde a new dress shirt. Thoughts of bare chested, wide eyed, soft lipped Tamakis would haunt him for days now. And he thought he'd come a step closer to curing this nasty little homosexual infatuation with Renge. Did God enjoy toying with him? Did he enjoy bouncing his sexuality around like a basketball? "I'll be back." he grumbled, suddenly in a very foul mood. He made his way toward the front of the room to grab his briefcase- in which illegal substances were most certainly _not _located, taking extreme caution to keep his back to the circle.

"Awwww." Kyoko groaned.

Haruhi cocked an eyebrow. Strange... "Where are you going, Kyouya-sen-"

SLAM!

"...pai."

"He'll be okay." Tamaki muttered from his I've-Been-Violated stance, knees folded to his chest. Although he wasn't particularly sure himself these days.

"You didn't seem like a bad kisser to me, Tamaki-sama!"

Many a fangirl squeed their agreements after the first and he beamed with pride.

"I didn't know that you were so submissive though."

"Submissive?" he boomed. "N-No! I was only demonstrating the different positions of-"

_Cough._ Hikaru covered his mouth. "Uke." _Cough._

Before Tamaki could even wrap his fingers completely around the twin's neck, Kaoru turned to narrow his eyes at a dark figure lurking behind a sofa to their right. "What's that?"

"Hm?" They all followed his gaze.

"What the hell?" One of the pigtailed girls cried.

"What is it?"

"Does it think it's hiding?" Haruhi muttered.

"It's breathing!"

The figure suddenly lurched forward and everyone jumped backwards. A tall, slender boy stepped out from his hiding spot and the majority of the room gasped. If he'd been terrifying _behind_ the couch, it was nothing compared to his full appearance. Thick dark locks fell over his shoulders and hung like wispy curtains over his eyes which showed to be night black- and thick with guyliner. He seemed to have caked his skin with some sort of pale rouge, body included. Not that much of it was revealed. He wore black. Black everything. A black t-shirt with black metal lined cuffs. Loose black pants with too many chains to keep up with. Black pointed earrings with black ankle boots. Black gloves and a black, leather choker with a cross dangling from the center. And that was all very eerie and petrifying, but the prize for Worst Part of the Ensemble, however, went to the two surgically attached fangs dangerously resting against the skin of his lower lip.

"Suou-kun." He spoke in a low, haunting tone as he pulled a large, worn- you guessed it- _black_ leather book from the sofa's cushions. "I've been looking for you."

Everyone in the circle turned fearful eyes to a trembling, stark white Host King.

"N-" He squeaked, one quivering finger rising to point at the mystery boy as if he were a ghost. "_Nekozawa-senpai_!"

* * *

A/N: I'm sorry that it took me SO long to update. You just need a break sometimes, you know? And I have been very busy lately. However, I know that I promised a twin fight and a twin fight you will get in LESS THAN A WEEK! I promise. Even if it is bad, I will give you the twin fight chapter. I thought I could fit it here in under 10000 words, but that's not going to be possible and you know how I feel about super long chapters. Bleh... I make mountains out of mole hills and that's why this Truth or Dare chapter ended up being so long X.X Anyway, I promise I will get the next chapter up A.S.A.P. Thank you for waiting to whomever is still there. REVIEW PLZ WITH YOUR LIKES AND DISLIKES!

Also, what scenarios would you like to see happen in the future? What situations would you like them to be put in? I have the obvious parties and raves and driving planned XD But your ideas are welcome too :D


	12. Twin Fight!

**Sorry.**

I have another chapter coming up in the next hour so look out for that.** I'm not shitting you this time**. I've already written it. Promising something is easy, but then when you try to write it... gyah. I can't pump out 7000 plus words in a week I guess. I did try, but that only seemed to make it worse. This chapter is alright I guess. I think it ends better than it starts. I seemed to have a terrible time with the beginning. Anyway, to make up for my promising a chapter in a week and taking almost three months, I wrote two chapters (which actually backfired because I took even longer trying to write that up, but I was too embarrassed to post the one I already had after so long). In addition,** I'll do a favor for whomever reviewed the last chapter. So if you did, PM me and I will read a story of yours, write a one shot for you, or whatever you request (in my limits of course XD)** I'll also never promise to write something beforehand again. Sorry, you guys. I just can't do it.

* * *

**Umehito Nekozawa.**

Vampire Wannabe and lover of all things dark, eerie and produced by Tim Burton. When he wasn't buying out the local Hot Topic or testing the latest shades of his mother's black nail polish, he took much joy and jubilation in worshipping the Christian lord. The dark, malevolent one.

Means Satan.

On any other day, he could simply be found lurking in the rose colored confines of the third music room for no satisfactory purpose at all other than his boredom with life.

"Hey." He popped his smirking fanged head between a pair of second years. "What are we playing?"

"Um..." The girls stammered with fearful eyes. "Truth or Dare..." Their usual response would have involved tromping him with their Louis Vuitton bags until he crawled back into the hole from whence he came, but ever since the latest vampire craze, Nekozawa's popularity had shot up indefinitely. Instead of bopping him upon the head with the nearest object and speeding in the opposite direction, they had taken to remaining in an awkward silence, secretly hoping that he would begin to sparkle and whisk them away into a world of two dimensional romance and cheesy dialogue. But alas, he just took a spot between them, his eyes dancing with mischief as they surveyed a flabbergasted Host King.

"N-No!" The blonde snapped. "You can't play! This is for Host Club patrons only!"

"Fufufufu..." Nekozawa chuckled mysteriously. "Don't worry, Suou." He bared his fangs menacingly. "I won't bite."

The girls nearly soiled themselves trying not to squeal and Haruhi raised a confused eyebrow. It was unusual that Tamaki denied a chance to attention whore to anyone. Whether that someone be herself, a deluded vampire freak or his own reflection. Why would he refuse now? Against her more intelligent judgement, she decided to ask.

"Why can't he play, senpai?"

"I concur." Nekozawa turned his creepy grin in her direction, long pale fingers stroking the leather bound text in his grasp. "And what's your name?"

She never got a chance to answer that question, as she was quickly swept away by a pair of strong hands.

"Let me go!" She groaned out the last word as her back slammed against the infamous corner of woe. She was both pissed and amused at seeing it up close. But mostly just pissed.

"What the hell did you do that for?"

"Haruhi!" he breathed harshly, throwing a paranoid glance over his shoulder and toward the circle. "That guy is a freak!"

She narrowed her eyes, her opinion of him slowly dwindling. And she had just began to think that he was a surprisingly nice guy. So much for that possibly romantic development... "I didn't know you could be so judgmental, senpai."

"Huh?" His brow furrowed. "No! I mean..." Eyes darting from side to side, he leaned down to level at her ear. Then, in a shrill, whispery voice, he hissed, "He almost turned me into a vampire!"

Ah. That sounded more like the Tamaki she knew and... knew.

"Hey, Tono!" A new voice suddenly rang from her side.

"Stop trying to molest Haruhi!"

"At least give us a turn!"

"Stop it, you idiots!" He turned to scowl at both twins. "This is serious!"

"Serious?" They droned in unison.

"He thinks Nekozawa-senpai can actually turn him into a vampire." Haruhi stated blankly.

"It's true!"

"Typical Tono."

"Besides," Hikaru started. "Why would anyone want to turn _you _into a vampire?"

"I'd say one lifetime with you is bad enough without having to spend an eternity-"

"Shut up!" The blonde half-growled, half-whined before swallowing hard. "R-Remember that time I got really wasted?"

"... You're gonna have to be more specific, Tono."

"At Mamoru's party last month!"

"Oh yeah..." The twins stared off at the distant memory. Good times.

"And I thought it would be really fun to start pushing people into the pool?"

"Yeah..." they both grumbled at the memory.

"Well, when I pushed Nekozawa-senpai, he was reading something..." The blonde trembled. "The pages got all wet and I guess it really pissed him off."

"Imagine that." Haruhi remarked dryly.

"Why was he reading at the party?" Kaoru frowned.

"Why was a loser like him even invited to the party in the first place?" Hikaru added.

Haruhi sighed at the blatant cruelty of high school politics and Tamaki just shrugged.

"He probably crashed. But after that..." His eyes widened in growing terror. "... he kept trying to bite me!" He pointed to a small, pink mark just above his collarbone. "I think he nicked me here!"

Both twins turned to glance at each other before turning back to the blonde.

"So he's crazy."

"Wear a neck brace."

"No." Tamaki brought both hands down, one on Hikaru's left shoulder and the other Kaoru's right. "I think..." His eyes gleamed with a new horror. "I think it's _working_."

The twins shared glances again.

"So you're both crazy."

"I'm not crazy!" he gushed. "Remember the day after that? When I felt like people were chasing me?"

"That's the day we slipped you shrooms."

"Okay!" He gulped. "Well, why has my skin been paler than usual?"

"It's called the seasons, Tono."

"It's not as warm as it was one month ago."

"W-Well!" He stammered. "Why is it that when I woke up this morning, I looked ten times more beautiful than I normally do?"

"You think that everyday."

"That's just your narcissism."

"And what does that have to do with being a vampire?" Haruhi put in.

"Denial!" he accused, fresh tears pooling in his eyes. "You're all in denial! He almost turned me into vampire! I just know it!"

"Fufufufufu." They turned to see Nekozawa hovering over their tiny circle, obsidian eyes still twinkling with malice. "It's all true."

Tamaki shrieked and dove backwards.

"This cursed book of darkness and destruction," He held the leather bound, now clearly water damaged, text up for all to see. "has been in my family for generations."

"I s-said I was sorry!"

"Sorry doesn't cut it, Suou." He closed in, fangs glistening dangerously in the chandelier reflected light. "But if you really want to make it up to me..."

"I'll do anything!" The blonde vowed, eager to save himself from a sunlight fearing life of coffins, blood letting and- worst of all- lack of reflection. Just the idea of waking up every morning, gazing into the mirror, and not finding a gorgeous man staring back at him sent chills down his spine.

"Excellent!" Nekozawa's evil grin widened three fold. "Please step into that hexagram."

He pointed toward the sofa he'd been hiding behind and they all turned to stare at a hastily carved occult circle with six pointed triangles edging it.

Hikaru scoffed. "Is that what you were doing over there the whole time?"

"How long did it take you to finish that?"

"Not as much as it's going to cost him to fix it." A recovered, but still decidedly peeved Shadow King appeared at Kaoru's side.

"Fufufufufufu. Of course, Kyou-kun." The wannabe vampire nodded. "But not just yet."

"I-Is that all I have to do?" Tamaki stammered. "Then what?"

"Then I'll take this black dust and scattered ashes." He waved a dark package and gave a low "Fufufu."

That didn't sound so bad. "And then?"

"Then..." He quickly pulled a dagger with an emerald encrusted handle from his pants pocket.

Tamaki gasped. "Wha-?"

"I'll use this to open it."

"Oh..."

"I'll sprinkle it upon the surface..."

"Ah..."

"And slit your wrist so that you may bleed upon the circle and sacrifice your soul to the dark lord!"

The virgin yipped and somersaulted backwards.

"Fufufufu..." The satanist chuckled. "It won't hurt, Suou-kun. I do it all the time!" He started to pull his sleeves up in demonstration when the sound of impish laughter flooded the air around them.

"_This_ is your cursed book of darkness and destruction?" Kaoru snickered.

"Listen to this Kaoru," Hikaru snorted before taking on a rather melodramatic, mocking tone. "Before you, Bella... My life was like a moonless night."

Snickering.

"Then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire..."

"Look at this, Hikaru!" Kaoru flicked through the pages, paying no mind to Nekozawa's rapidly widening eyes. "Edward lurved me! The bond forged between us could not be-"

"Give me that!" Two pale, spidery hands snatched the Cursed Book of Darkness and Destruction from their grasp.

"Oh my God!" A group of hopeless fangirls had gathered at the twins' feet. "You guys like Twilight?"

They both raised an index finger to point at the beet red satanist. "It's his."

"EEEEEE!" The girls squealed.

"Nekozawa-senpai reads Twilight!"

"N-No!" he protested, slowly backing toward the entrance, the not-so-cursed book held tightly in his clutches. "I-It's my little sister's-"

"DAWWWWWW!" The girls gave their battle cry before throwing themselves upon him, eyes wild with dangerous obsession.

"Help me!" he screeched, defenseless in his struggle to escape the mob. "Help me please!"

The hosts all stared after him fearfully. Not one of them- their Host King included- had ever once been attacked so viciously. God forbid they ever mess around with this "Twilight" thing...

"Gyaaaah..." He managed to escape momentarily, using a marble pillar to hoist himself out of the chaotic throng. His black chained pants slumped down his backside to reveal blue and white pinstripes as he sped out of the room, the stampede of raging fangirls rapidly following.

"Dear God..." Tamaki spoke tremblingly.

Even Haruhi had broken a sweat over the horror. The sheer horror...

"Fucking Twitards..." Hikaru sighed, arms folded. "So..." he turned to the remaining and perhaps more intelligent half of their customer base.

"Want to play a game?" Kaoru finished.

"What kind of game?" a bleached blonde called from her place on one of the many rose colored sofas.

"The Which One Is Hikaru and Which One is Kaoru Ga-"

"No!" Tamaki snapped, taking them both by the collars.

"Why?" they frowned in unison.

"Because!" he whispered. "Every time we do this, you both get super emo because no one guesses right! And you take it out on me for the rest of the week!"

"We won't get super emo this time!" they cheesed.

"Liars..." he snarled. "Aren't there better ways-"

"That one is Kaoru!" Kurokano pointed to Hikaru. "And that one is Hikaru!" She pointed to Kaoru.

"Wrong!" They announced, still smiling widely and Tamaki groaned in defeat.

"That one is Hikaru!" Another pointed to Kaoru. "And that one is Kaoru!" She pointed to Hikaru.

They twitched slightly. "She just said that..."

"That one is Kaoru!" A short, freckled third year pointed to Hikaru. "And that one is Hikaru." She pointed to Hikaru again.

The twins' gazes had darkened significantly and Haruhi smacked a palm to her forehead. Were their customers completely retarded?

"Can I get four guesses?" One of them cooed.

"He's Hikaru." Haruhi gestured to Kaoru. "And that's Kaoru." And then to Hikaru.

"Eh... Haruhi..."

"I mean, flip that. Reverse it." Today's dementia was beginning to rub off on her.

"Oh yeah?" Hikaru dipped down to lean against her shoulder, grin devilish as ever.

Kaoru followed suit, something hopeful peering out of his amber gaze. "Why?"

"Because," She turned her big innocent doe eyes on Hikaru. "You're the bigger asshole."

The older twin nearly choked. "... Huh?"

"It's no contest."

Kaoru stared at her for a few seconds before breaking out into wild, boyish laughter. "I guess you're an asshole, Hikaru."

Hikaru had stood again, his arms folded, rusty colored bangs shadowing his eyes. "You think that's funny?" he snapped and the room immediately clouded with a thick silence.

"Hm?" The girls passed concerned, hesitant looks among one another. Kyouya momentarily glanced up from over the head of his notebook. Haruhi just blinked innocently, with no regard to the damage she had just caused. Tamaki bit anxiously at his thumb while spouting out murmurs about having known this would be a bad idea. Hunny exchanged nervous glances with Mori. Or at least he tried. Mori was too busy zoning out, his attentions focused on the large music room windows where cumulous clouds shaped his favorite furry animals.

"What's your problem?" It was Kaoru's turn to stand.

"Like you care?" Hikaru shot back.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means you're too busy with Haruhi's dick in your mouth to give a damn!"

"Don't say things like that about Haruhi!" Tamaki roared over the squealing of several customers.

"What does Haruhi have to do with this?" A slow smirk curved over Kaoru's lips. "You jealous or something?"

"Why would I get jealous over a flat chested tranny like that?"

Tamaki gasped, his eyes suddenly flashing red. "HOW DARE YOU CALL MY DAUGHTER THAT?" He zoomed into the center of their confrontation. "TAKE IT BACK!" He stomped. "TAKE IT BACK NOW!"

Kyouya was left to calm the confused customers over why their favorite hosts had just referred to Haruhi as a flat-chested transvestite daughter. He secretly thanked the powers that be for their low I.Q levels.

"I hate it when you get like this." Kaoru seethed, eyes piercing pass Tamaki and directly into his brother's. "Don't talk to me anymore."

"No problem." Hikaru ground his teeth. "It's sickening enough having to wake up every morning and listen to your whining mouth."

"That's not what you said when it was sucking you off last night." Kaoru shot back. "Speaking of which, don't sleep in my bed anymore!"

"You don't even have to ask! I always wake up on the floor anyway!"

"That's because you're too fucking big to fit!"

"Yeah, that's what your mom said!"

"EEEWWWWWW!" The entire room erupted into fits of gagging noises- even the customers. Apparently, incest between two identical twin brothers was A-OK! As long as they didn't bring Mom into the picture that is.

"I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" They bellowed simultaneously, noses nearly touching. "THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER!"

Tamaki slumped down to the marble, head cradled, Haruhi's temples began the start of a long headache, Kyouya saw dollar signs, Hunny bit his lip in concern, and the fangirls mourned.

"OVER!"

Mori spotted a white, fluffy Koala bear and it made him smile.

* * *

The next day...

"And that's why x equals forty-six." Mrs. Hoshino, a mousy woman in her early thirties concluded before turning away from the large white board to smile shyly at class 1-A, black marker in hand. In response, they blew a few gum bubbles and yawned. A couple of boys winked provocatively. Haruhi, however - nerdy as always- scribbled the equation's result down in her neatly kept five subject notebook as rapidly as she could manage. Not that she hadn't figured it out with her superior brain power already. A tape recorder stood poised at its side, just incase she missed out on any of the juicy algebraic detail, as well as four perfectly sharpened number 2 pencils.

"Ooooooh Haruhi!" She jumped as someone leaned in to breath down her neck. "You're soooo smart!"

"Hey Kurokano." She greeted the girl without so much as glancing her way. There were important lessons to be learned here.

"You could go straight to college if you wanted to!"

And she would. If it weren't for that whole "plot" thing she had to stick around for. "Don't you sit in the back of the room, Kurokano?" She turned to give her a weak smile.

"Yeah!" Kurokano gushed, her long brunette locks bouncing daintily behind her. "But since the twins aren't here..."

"Ah..." That's right. The twins _did_ usually sit next to her in class. Not that she ever really noticed, as her nose was always buried inches deep in her textbook.

"Did they ever make up?" The girl stared at her with concerned eyes and Haruhi felt herself mirroring the emotion.

"I'm not really sure..." The two had stormed out shortly after club hours ended. From there they'd taken separate hallways to separate school exits to drive home in separate limos and that was the last she'd seen of them.

"Heeey Haruhi!" A decidedly male voice called and from that moment, the classroom abruptly fell into boy band mode.

"Kaoruuuuuu!" The females went wild and the males patted him on the shoulders hoping that the contact alone would get them fangirl ass by default. A chant began and Haruhi almost expected him to jump into their hands and ride the crowd. Instead, he settled on approaching the desk on her right and taking his seat.

"What's up?" he grinned widely, as if yesterday had been a distant nightmare.

"Er..." Haruhi frowned. "Where's Hikaru?"

"Who gives a fuck?" he muttered before letting a sly smirk slip over his lips. "Wanna see something cool?"

She sighed, eyes back on a nervous Mrs. Hoshino. "Can it wait until after- what are you doing?" she suddenly gasped, eyes on his hands. They had slipped down to his waist, fingers working quickly to undo the pants of his uniform.

"Relax." He pulled the waistband down slightly and lifted the back of his powder blue blazer. "I just wanted to show you this."

"Eh..."

"OH MY GOD!" Kurokano squealed. "Kaoru has Haruhi's name tattooed on his back!"

"EEEEE!"

"Let me see!" The entire class- boys included- crowded about the tiny desk area to see the dark cursive text swirling betwixt a pair of heavily detailed angel wings.

"Cl-class, please!" Mrs. Hoshino begged. They weren't listening.

"Kaoru!" A recorder activated cell phone shot out from somewhere in throbbing the crowd. "Why did you decide to tattoo Haruhi's name to your lower back?"

"Simple." Kaoru reached over to slip an arm around the stunned commoner. "Haruhi is the new most important person to me.

"What?" She choked out, finally finding her voice.

"Like hell."

Over the camera flashes and incessant squealing, no one had noticed the second Hitachiin as he pushed through the crowd to take his seat. Hikaru gave Kurokano a bored stare and it took her a few seconds to identify the gesture as Asshole for "move". She leapt from the chair and he took his seat.

"Oh, look. It's the asshole." Kaoru leaned in to whisper into his latest most important person's ear, arm still snaked around her waist. "He's just jealous."

"Jealous of what?" Hikaru raised an eyebrow. "Your tramp stamp?"

"Oooooooh!" The instigating crowd gasped.

"You're just pissed because Haruhi and I are together."

Haruhi groaned. Why didn't she ever have any say in these matters?

"Well, that can't be true because..." Every female eye in the room- and a few of the masculine persuasion- turned on Hikaru as he began to undo his blazer.

"KYAAAAA!" More camera flashing. Random students had began to flood into the classroom after receiving text and instant message invitations. Hikaru finally tossed his blazer straight into Kaoru's confused features before undoing the underlying white dress shirt.

"What's that?" The crowd peered at his chest. Haruhi squinted to get a better look and her eyes grew progressively larger.

"What the hell?"

Hikaru slid a palm over the skin of his left breast where a miniature Haruhi lay completely naked. Only she lacked boo- alright, who are we kidding? She always lacked boobs- but she'd been newly endowed with a few very... male-oriented body parts. "Haruhi obviously means the most to me."

"Oh yeah?" Kaoru grunted. "Then why was Haruhi with me last night?"

"WHAT?" Everyone in the room- including Haruhi- exclaimed.

"No. You were with your hand last night." Hikaru reached out to take her by the wrist and jerked her forward. "Haruhi was with me!"

"YOU'RE LYING!" They shouted in unison and she was jerked back once more.

"Haruhi said I was a better lover than you could ever be!"

Tug.

"Liar!"

Tug.

"Bastard!"

Tug. Tug.

"Sensei!" Haruhi cried from the crossfire, her head spinning from their game of tug-o-war. She gazed up hopefully, confident that the only responsible adult in the room would at least attempt to come to her rescue. But where she'd hoped to find firm authority, she found a lustful, mousy thirty something staring intently at Hikaru's chest. Haruhi lowered her head in defeat as she was tugged once more to right. Fucking morally corrupt, sexually deviant rich bastards...

* * *

Akuma, head of campus cafeterias, didn't bother to ask the small group of second and third years why they had entered the Freshmen dining hall that afternoon. One did not question the headmaster's son after all. Not even when they'd found him smoking weed outside of the tennis field on numerous occasions or that one time in the showers with his best friend. Silence was golden. And good jobs were hard to come by these days...

"Oh my God, Urami!" A tiny first year from the unofficial girls' **Sport's Table** jumped up with glee, nearly sending her soup bowl crashing to the pristine, white marble floor. "The entire Host Club is here!"

A girl with long, thick dark hair overheard her and turned to the rest of the unofficial **Artist's Table.**

"It's the Host Club." she whispered, obviously trying to hide the excitement in her tone.

"You guys!" The **Geek Table** all stood at rapt attention to focus on their coke bottle glasses wearing, nose picking leader. "The Host Club is here!"

"They're the reason we can't get any girls!" one lied to comfort himself.

"Ugh..." Rei Kitsuno turned to the rest of the **Rebel Table**, the bangs of her maroon and orange colored mohawk falling over her deep set brown eyes. "It's the headmaster's faggot son and his lackeys..."

"Let's go." a punk in leather offered.

"Let's not." She smirked, deviously tossing an egg up and down in one perfectly manicured hand.

"The Host Club's here!" Ana Misuri, head of the Freshmen cheerleading team called from the table at the very center of the dining area, the table everyone knew and feared- otherwise known as the **Elite Table**. Ana giggled, big green eyes aglow. She was half Swedish, half Japanese, and all slut. At least according to what Haruhi heard after every overnight Basketball excursion.

"What?" The commoner's food engrossed head popped up from her bento box in fear. A staff member reached down to pat at her mouth with a napkin- special courtesy of the Elite Table.

"Oh, Haruhi!" Ana and her friends cooed together in the usual condescending tone. "You're so cute with your little doggy bag..."

"It's a bento box..." she grumbled. "But what did you s-"

"Hey Haruhi!"

She turned to see a boy about her height with braces and a dopey expression. "Uh, hi." An extremely weak grin spread over her lips. So much for eating in peace... "Do I know you?"

"We're lab partners!" He sat his tray down and smiled shyly. Ana and her friends exchanged glances that easily spelled out, "I _know _he's not trying to sit here."

"Oh yeah!" Her grin widened in recognition. "You singed your hair with the Bunsen Burner today."

"Uh yeah..." He scratched shakily at his slightly burnt light brown bangs. Fujioka was so cute when he smiled! Just his type of guy. And his dad tried to tell him that he wasn't gay... He knew what he was!

"You didn't get hurt, did you?"

"N-No..."

Ana started a mocking yawn from across the table and he swallowed hard.

"It's alright." Haruhi squeezed his hand comfortingly. "You can sit here for as long as you want. No one's going to make you-"

"Hey kid." A blank voice cut in. "You're in my seat."

They both gazed up to see a bored faced Hikaru hovering over the table. Ana and her friends cheered. Haruhi groaned.

"Hikaru-"

"Th-There are l-lots of empty seats at this table." The boy argued meekly.

"I didn't ask you how many empty seats there were." Hikaru rolled his eyes. "I said you're in mine."

Swallowing hard, the boy moved to sit on Haruhi's other side, despite her protests.

"You can't sit there either."

The boy moved down a chair.

"You can't sit there either."

The boy moved across the table.

"You can't sit there-"

"Hika-!" Haruhi started to scold, but someone else beat her to it.

"YOU!" Two palms slammed down harshly on the velvety table cloth. "WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING TO MY-" He paused mid-storm to gaze down at the trembling boy next to Ana. "And you are?"

"K-Kazuma..."

"What's wrong, Kazuma-kun?"

"I-I j-just w-wanted-"

"Forget him, Tono." Hikaru sighed from his new place beside Haruhi. "I don't know why losers like him actually think they can sit here."

"You asshole." Tamaki growled. "What did I tell you about discriminating against the less popular and unattractive?"

A metaphoric spear shot through the boy's chest and the girls giggled.

"Of course you can sit here!" He pulled out a chair and, embarrassed, the less popular and unattractive took his seat.

"This isn't your table!" The blonde wagged his finger at Hikaru and Haruhi agreed with him for once.

"You can't decide who sits here!"

Hikaru smirked. "He was hitting on Haruhi."

Tamaki's expression grew stony and he quickly swept Kazuma's tray up. "You can't sit here."

"B-But Suou-senpai-"

"Kyouya!" The Host King snapped his fingers, eyes shadowed.

"Here." The Shadow King placed a hand on the boy's shoulder and led him toward the Geek Table. "Let me offer you perhaps a more... suitable environment."

Haruhi stared in disbelief as he led a bewildered Kazuma away. Rich, disrespectful, power abusing bastards.

"Hey!" A familiar voice called and they all turned to see Kaoru approaching the Elite Table, some sort of Italian dish in hand. "Whose that lame with Kyouya-senpai?"

"That 'lame' is my lab partner-"

"Yeah, whatever." Hikaru sighed dully. "Hey, Kaoru. I thought you were going to stop eating pasta." He gave him the once over. "Your ass is getting kind of fat."

"Fuck you." Kaoru made a face. "I thought you were going to stop talking to my boyfriend."

"Oooooooh!" Ana and her crew instigated, eyes jumping from Hikaru to Haruhi to Kaoru and back to Hikaru.

"WHAT'S ALL THIS I HEAR ABOUT YOU SLEEPING WITH THOSE BASTARDS, HARUHI?"

Haruhi continued to deadpan even as the Host King took her by the shoulders and shook her with abandon. Word traveled fast. "It's none of your business who I sleep with, senpai." she finally responded, more to piss him off than anything.

"GYAH!" He shrieked before slinking into a ball underneath the table where Ana widened her legs a bit and hoped he was into panty shots.

"Haru-chan sure gets around, huh, Takashi?" The hobbit asked.

"Yeah." Its lover nodded.

"No, you guys." Haruhi groaned as she made her way to the end of the table, away from the bickering brothers and the giggling whores. "I don't know why they're fighting but it has nothing to do with me."

"Really?" A hopeful, wide eyed blonde head popped out from under the silky table curtains just above her lap.

"Senpai!" She smacked him with a spoon and he winced in pain. "Don't be a pervert."

Pouting, he shuffled out from under the table and took a seat beside his daughter. Mori wondered if he too was a secret masochist.

"I don't get why they're fighting and yet..." Her eyes mellowed a bit. "Somehow I do feel like it's my fault."

"I wonder why that is..." Kyouya put in dryly, now returned from the Geek Table. The cock-teasing, brutally honest, fuck buddy stealing bitch couldn't be that dense. The twins had obviously developed some sort of deeper feelings for her. Was everyone developing feelings for her nowadays? Was that the new _thing_? Developing feelings for lethargic, commonplace women with a penchant for dressing like men? Would _he_ develop feelings for her too?

_Oh, fuck me_. Clearing his throat, joints tensing by the second, he turned on his heel. "I'll be back."

They all watched him, eyebrows raised.

"Where are you going, Kyou-chan?" Hunny dared to ask.

"Out." And with a well placed kick to an innocent waste basket, he went off to find his happy place. With the help of Snow White and a little stardust of course.

"It's strange." Tamaki sighed as his best friend stormed off into the distance. "They never fought like this before. I mean..." His brow creased. "There was that one time over the last sandwich cookie..."

"I don't think that counts, Tama-chan..."

"Hey Haruhi!" Hikaru had ceased arguing and moved to the opposite side of the table from his brother next to Ana and her instigating friends. "This place is lame."

"It's the lunch room." she groaned.

"Wanna go make out behind the gym bleachers?"

"WHAT?" Tamaki growled and the surrounding girls cheered them on, camera phones ready.

"Ew. Have some class, Hikaru." Kaoru spoke up from his side of the table before turning to Haruhi, smile sultry. "How about the eighth floor balcony? It's got this amazing view-"

"NO!" The Host King skidded over the table's surface and stopped himself only when he reached the twins, knocking both their trays to the dining hall floors. Plates of roast chicken and spaghetti crashed and splintered upon the hard marble. Haruhi gave a low grunt of disapproval.

"Hey." Hikaru blinked dully. "I was gonna eat that."

"Retard on the table."

"SHUT UP!" The blonde roared at them, a hyperactive finger alternating between both their faces. "IF YOU EVER MAKE ADVANCES LIKE THAT ON MY INNOCENT CHILD AGAIN, I'LL-"

SPLAT!

The entire cafeteria, already completely engrossed by the nonsensical antics of their headmaster's son, gasped as an egg sailed across the lunch room and hit him square in the back.

"... Ew!" Ana and her posse jumped away from the table as yellowish goop dripped from the powder blue blazer and onto her tray. Tamaki swallowed hard.

"Wha... What- ?"

SPLAT!

"Who- ?"

SPLAT!

SPLAT!

SPLAT!

Tamaki spun around, eyes fiery. "WHOSE THROWING THO-" A tomato half caught him directly between the forehead. "Eh..."

"Anyway," Kaoru reluctantly turned away from the tempting entertainment of the Host King being pummeled by various food items and back to his brother. "I thought I told you to stop hitting on my man."

"He isn't your man." Hikaru retorted.

Haruhi groaned.

"This isn't about Haruhi, is it?"

A crowd had began to form, although it was unclear whether they were there to watch the confrontation or to douse Tamaki with more food and beverage.

"This is about us, isn't it?" Kaoru pressed on. "You hate when I screw around with other people."

"ME?" Hikaru boomed. "You're the one that freaked out last week when I slept with that mens' underwear model!"

Squealing.

"You're such a whore!"

"See what I mean?"

"Well, I slept with the slutty librarian yesterday!"

"I slept with Ana!"

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" They both belted out at the top of their lungs in unison. "DO YOU WANT TO GET US BOTH DISEASED?"

"Hey!" Ana snapped in defense.

"You're the worst twin brother slash lover EVER!"

"I NEVER WANT TO LOOK AT YOUR FACE AGAIN!"

Their audience gasped.

"Hmph." Hikaru's expression suddenly took on a solemn tone. "Then let's settle this once and for all."

"After school. 4:00"

"In the West Courtyard."

"Don't forget."

"I'll be there!" They concluded together before storming away from the table in opposite directions, narrowly avoiding two rogue cabbage heads.

* * *

Masses gathered upon the gray cobblestone courtyard that evening to watch their favorite incestuous siblings go at it. As if sensing the event, dark, ominous clouds cluttered the sky and rain splattered upon the stone. Towering, leafy trees shrouded the area, concealing it from any unwanted eyes a.k.a teachers, parents, bums, etc. Throngs of students, male and female, virgin and whore, formed a thick circle around the two boys, their bloodlust building. Haruhi let out a shaky breath from the near center of the circle and watched as the heat rose.

"Shouldn't we be doing something to stop this?" She turned to her fellow club members. Kyouya sold programs and polaroids, Hunny munched on popcorn, Mori was still ogling clouds, and Tamaki pouted at her feet, arms draped around the Hello Kitty raincoat that she'd refused to wear just moments ago.

"_Hello?_"

"No." The blonde finally shook his head and stood in a sudden mood shift, expression growing melancholy. "This is between them."

"They just threatened to tear each others' heads off." she stated blankly.

"It can't be helped." He put on his 'serious face'.

"They're in fighting stance."

"Things will work themselves out in due time."

"... I hate when you get like this."

"Say that again!" They all turned their abrupt attention on the two boys in the center.

"I said..." Hikaru snarled. "You fuck like my grandma!"

"EEEEWWWW!" the crowd erupted with gagging noises.

"Say it to my face!" Kaoru dared, eyes narrowed dangerously. Hikaru met the request, closing the space between them so that they faced one another centimeters apart.

"You fuck," he emphasized the last word. "Like grandma."

Kaoru let out a low growl.

"... and you have a small penis."

"That's it!" Their audience barely had enough time to react as Kaoru threw himself against his brother's torso, causing them both to reel back. They hit the cobblestone harshly, still clawing at one another like wildcats. Kaoru tore the uniform blazer from his back and stretched one leg over Hikaru's waist, straddling him. His fingers found the older boy's throat and quickly coiled around the damp skin.

Haruhi sighed. "What were you saying about things working themselves out, senpai?"

"Eh..." Tamaki swallowed hard, the first signs of fear creeping into his eyes. "Maybe-"

"THE FIGHT HAS BEGUN!" They all flinched at the sound waves from Renge's sudden electronically amplified voice. "KAORU-KUN HAS HIKARU-KUN TACKLED NOW!"

The audience whispered vehemently among themselves.

"BUT WAIT!" Renge gasped. "HKARU-KUN JUST BIT KAORU-KUN IN A KINKY MANEUVER AND HAS CURRENTLY TURNED THE TABLES! GIRLS, JUST LOOK AT THAT ASS!"

The female population went up in a roar and the males groaned.

"THEY'RE ROLLING... ROLLING... ROLLING... HIKARU HAS JUST REMOVED HIS BLAZER AS WELL AND HIS DRESS SHIRT IS WET ENOUGH TO SEE THROUGH!"

"EEEEE!"

"JUST LOOK AT THOSE CHISELED ABS, LADIES- OOH! LOOKS LIKE A MUD FIGHT!"

Haruhi turned fearfully to the offending scene to see that the two had indeed landed in the mud. With the rain, the torn uniforms, and all of the moaning and groaning emanating from their general area, this was starting to look more like a cheap porn than an actual fight.

"IF YOU SQUINT HARD ENOUGH, GIRLS, YOU CAN SEE WHERE THEIR PANTS ARE BEGINNING TO FALL OFF!"

Mori reached down to cover a gawking Hunny's eyes perhaps more out of jealousy than protecting the hobbit's so called "innocence". Kyouya gave a slight smirk as sales in polaroids went up. Haruhi felt her stomach getting queasy.

"Enough!" Tamaki bellowed, his own hand launching out to shield his daughter's eyes. "That's not fighting! That's grinding!"

The female student body turned venomous gazes on him. How dare he suggest an end to their live gay porno? What would they masturbate to tonight?

"I mean, er..." he squeaked in the face of the fangirls before clearing his throat and addressing the twins again. "I thought you said you were going to settle this like men!"

"We never said that." Kaoru muttered from his place inches deep in mud, Hikaru's fingers grasping relentlessly at what was left of his uniform shirt.

"Well..." Tamaki gulped, sinking further away from the reddening glares. "You should..."

The twins exchanged glances. "Tono's right."

"Awwwwwwwww." Several new food objects went flying in the Host King's direction.

"Not again!"

"Kaoru." Hikaru stood from the dirt, mud oozing over his torn pants and shirt.

"Hikaru." Kaoru had been less fortunate, the mud dripping everywhere from his soaked, ginger bangs to the soles of his dress shoes.

"Let's settle this like men."

"Just what I was thinking." Kaoru snapped his fingers. "Nekozawa-senpai!"

Their audience averted their gaze to find a heavily bandaged Tim Burton loving Satanist on crutches, no cursed book of darkness and destruction in sight. But he _was _holding something.

"Is it ready?" Kaoru inquired. Hikaru seemed confused.

Nekozawa nodded, and with a tiny "Fufu", he undid a black mat and let it fall to the rainy cobblestone. Gasps rang loudly from the crowd at the white hexagram inscribed there.

Haruhi swallowed hard. "They can't be serious..."

Hikaru raised a smooth black object from his pocket.

They were serious.

"GYAH!" Tamaki let out a panicked yelp as a pocketknife sprang out from its container, the girls screamed in protest as his hand came down, and Haruhi's eyes narrowed as she dashed across the courtyard.

"STOP!" she cried, catching Kaoru's hand and yanking the knife away before the blade could meet with his brother's throat.

"Haruhi..." Both twins stared down at her, a dazed look in their eyes.

"What's going on here?"

"Eh?" She turned around to see the vice principal- a tall, elderly man with a long grey beard and beady eyes- peering down on her. His tiny pupils shifted from her own and down to the knife in her hands.

"Young lady..." he hissed. "Just what the hell are you doing?"

"N-No!" she protested. "It's not what you think!" Her head zipped around to the twins. "Tell them!"

Hikaru and Kaoru exchanged glances and shrugged. "_You're _the one who came at us with a knife."

"WHAT?" she glowered. "You were fighting!"

"What are you talking about?" Kaoru raised an eyebrow.

"We never fight." Hikaru slipped both arms around his brother's waist and pulled him close. His hands played at the patch of skin where Haruhi's name should have been etched. The patch that was no conveniently clear. She gasped in realization. The tattoos had been temporary.

"You lied." she gasped. "You weren't fighting!"

"That's what we said."

"We never fight."

Haruhi snapped in their audience's direction. "You guys saw!"

"Eh..." The girls shuffled their feet nervously, too scared to speak up and ruin their chance with the Hitachiins. Which in turn caused the boys fear over speaking up and ruining their chance with said girls. Tamaki was too busy being pummeled with various items not just limited to food now. Mori and Hunny had disappeared, no doubt on one of their little escapades. Kyouya seemed to be enjoying her misery behind those glazed spectacles.

"Tell the truth!" she growled into their identical smirking faces.

"We don't know what you mean..."

"... But having you over tonight might jog our memory..."

"I'm not sleeping with you guys!"

"Ah..." Hikaru frowned.

"Well, too bad then."

"It was nice knowing you!" They waved and flailed handkerchiefs as she was carried off by the school security guards.

"Hikaru!" her venomous eyes settled on Hikaru. "Kaoru!" They darted to the younger twin. "YOU LYING ASSHOLES!"

They watched as she disappeared into the brush, smirks never faltering.

"So..." Kaoru began. "How long do you think it'll take them to figure out it's a gag blade?"

"Not long." Hikaru shrugged, something uncharacteristically deep, meaningful, and perhaps... content playing in his gaze. "If not, Tono can always get her out of it."

"Hikaru?" Kaoru's eyes narrowed in on his older brother. It was rare that the eldest Hitachiin ever looked genuinely... happy. The sight was almost terrifying... "Are you alright?"

"Huh?" He blinked. "Oh, yeah. I'm fine."

"Haruhi won't be sleeping with us tonight, I guess."

"I guess not."

But, somehow, they didn't mind much as long as they were able to see their favorite commoner's dead pan, ever irritated expression the next day in class. They both turned back to the adoring crowd they'd just pranked, secretive smiles playing upon their lips. They didn't mind much at all.

* * *

Oh, the twins... Not my favorite characters (which is probably half the reason that it's so damn hard to write a chapter about them, but still pretty awesome. Please review and tell me how this chapter set with you. Perhaps suggest future ideas for the twins. I can always use them. I'm not very creative when it comes to them XD

I'm going to class now. 3 hour class. Chapter 13 is written. I'm going to proofread it one last time when I get out of class and then I'll post it. Shiro's chapter (The bad ass little kid)


	13. B tches Don't Know Bout My Piano

**There's another new chapter before this one. If you haven't looked at it, you should probably check it out. **

So this is definitely one of my weaker chapters, if not the weakest. But filler will be filler, you know? The thing with Ouran is that it really is like seventy percent filler. Sometimes I have to remind myself to ADD plot points and I failed a bit with this chapter. At the least, the artificial beach chapter is next and I plan to have lots of fun with that one...

* * *

A young rogue in an overly large t-shirt and sagging dark jeans bolted up the grand staircase, stubborn eyes dead set only on his destination. Students and teachers alike dove out of his path, unwilling to have a cap busted in their pompous asses by the gun he was no doubt stashing underneath all of those baggy clothes. With no one brave (or stupid) enough to stop him, he rounded the final corridor and a sense of accomplishment swept over him. This was it.

Today marked the end of his bitchless life and the beginning of his journey into manhood...

* * *

"Tamaki-sama." The cooing began. "What kind of kisses do you prefer?"

"Any kiss would be tempting coming from you, love." His fingertips played at the inquirer's chin.

"Tamaki-sama!" came another admirer. "What's your favorite position?"

"Any position that would allow me to gaze into your beautiful eyes as we make love for the first time."

"Tamaki-sama!" Another squealed, the group around them practically bursting with raging hormones. "What size condom do you wear?"

"... Er..." The blonde nearly slid from the mound of velvety, dark pillows they'd been resting upon, the silk of his thin, white and turquoise kimono not doing much to cease the motion. How was _he_ supposed to know that? He'd never gone far enough with a girl to even require the use of common bra unstrapping skills, let alone a condom and he was pretty sure that he couldn't get Kyouya pregnant unless there was something the Shadow King wasn't telling him. Thinking quickly, he gave them all a confident wink. "It's a secret!"

"Ooooh!" They all squealed and winked back suggestively, taking his utter lack of knowledge for charisma.

"Well, at least tell us what brand you use, Tamaki-sama!" A girl with a fluffy, giant ponytail begged and his smile faltered. How could he say no to those heavily shadowed, clumpily lashed eyes?

"Er..." What brands had they named in his sixth grade sex-ed class again?

"Tono uses Durex." Hikaru and Kaoru suddenly appeared before them, silk, burnt orange kimonos draped over their slender forms.

"Extra Sensitive."

"Or else he can't feel anything."

The area erupted with nervous giggling and Tamaki's cheeks flared bright red.

"Wh-" He stammered, nearly tripping over his kimono as he stumbled after the two, features twisted in anger. The twins darted in and out of several oriental panels, inked flower designs painted onto the wood, and the blonde remained fast on their tails, but not without crashing into a few lanterns in the process. Mother would not be pleased...

"Haruhi!" Hikaru's lengthy arms looped around the crimson sashed waist of a surprised commoner. "Save us!"

"Eh..."

"Tono's gone crazy!" Kaoru cackled from his brother's side.

"Get your filthy hands off of her!" 'Tono caught up, fingers clenched into fists, eyes accusing. "What did you tell them?"

"You'll understand when you're older." They smirked, arms snaking further over an only mildly fazed Haruhi. Was it terrible that she had become so accustomed to this type of thing?

"_I'm _older than _you_!"

"Which is more your problem than ours..."

"Tama-chan!" Emerald green sleeves wrapped around the blonde's neck and the hobbit clung to his back. "We heard about your problem."

"M-My problem?"

"If you masturbate too much," Hunny explained innocently. "You can ruin the feeling down there."

"Eh..."

"Right, Takashi?"

"Ah." The incestuous pedophile held up a small bottle of cream colored ointment for his underclassman.

"Put some of that on and don't jerk off so much, Tama-chan!" The hobbit cried, a bit too loudly for Tamaki's liking.

Haruhi's lips twitched downward. Did she even want to know what was going on here?

"Hikaru. Kaoru."

"Hm?" Both twins turned to the source of the low, somewhat peeved tone.

"Are you responsible for this?" The Shadow King motioned to three thoroughly destroyed blue and red lanterns, the glass of his spectacles bathed in mysterious light.

In turn, they raised fingers to point to the sexually challenged virgin.

"But cut him some slack, Kyouya-senpai."

"He can't even feel anything during sex."

The mysterious light suddenly vanished, narrowed grey eyes exposed. "During sex?" His fingers dug a bit too harshly into the soft material of his deep purple kimono.

Haruhi frowned, arms crossed. "I thought you were a virgin, senpai." Figures. She really _was _surrounded by man whores.

"No!" Tamaki exclaimed, face flushed. "I _am_ a virgin! Haruhi and I are abstaining together!" He beamed upon this realization, glad to finally have something in common with his "daughter".

"... I wouldn't brag on that if I were you, Tono."

"Well, Haruhi thinks my virginity is very admirable!"

Haruhi groaned. If only statements could be retracted. She'd been intoxicated at the time after all. She hadn't been able to logically discern _why_ the Host King was a virgin, but she was sure that it had something to do with his lovers' inability to suffer through his antics long enough to complete the deed or his own inability to get it up for anything but his reflection.

"Yeah?" Hikaru gave him a bored look, irritation playing just under the surface. "Well, Haruhi is an ignorant commoner."

"She has no idea what she's talking about."

"No offense, Haru."

"None taken." she grunted sarcastically.

"You're just jealous!" The blonde bellowed, on the verge of tears now. "Haruhi and I are proud virgins!"

"Virgins?"

They all spun around to see... nothing, but thin air.

"Down." Kyouya motioned toward the floor and they followed his gaze.

"It's a kid." Kaoru shrugged.

"Did he shrink?" The hobbit frowned, taking note of the boy's oversized t-shirt, jeans, and large golden chain.

"Maybe we should call his parents." Haruhi suggested.

"Nonsense!" Tamaki leaned down, threading a few slender fingers through the oddly dressed boy's brunette bangs. "Welcome to the Host Club, my prince." He flashed him two rows of perfectly white teeth. "Do you like candy?"

"Tono..."

"You're going to get us arrested..."

"Senpai." Haruhi cradled her forehead. Next thing she knew, he'd be driving around in a suspicious white van that "supposedly" held dogs and lollipops. "Can you keep your weird preferences to yourse-"

"Don't be perverts!" He shot from over his shoulder. "The Host Club promotes innocent love and love only! No one is too young for-"

"You're a virgin?" The kid interrupted.

"Er..."

"And you too?" He raised a tiny finger to point to Haruhi.

"Haruhi is a commoner." Hikaru explained, his arms once more finding their way around the shemale.

"He's too busy scraping and saving to make a living to be distracted with carnal pleasures."

"It's not like that." Haruhi struggled out of the eldest twin's embrace. He seemed to have a much harder time keeping his hands to himself lately.

"Oh..." The boy nodded in understanding. Poor, miserable commoner. Not that he cared much... With that short bout of false sympathy, he turned his gaze back on Tamaki, a slight smirk playing on his lips. "And you?"

"Ah..." Tamaki gulped. "I don't see how that's any of your-"

"Are you a virgin or not?"

"... Maybe."

The boy snickered impishly and Tamaki's face deepened from peach to plum red.

"S-So?" he stuttered. "You're probably a virgin!"

"Yeah, but I'm eight." The boy sneered. "What's your excuse?"

"Shiro Takaoji, correct?" The Shadow King's smooth tone sounded over the frenzy. "From the elementary building?"

"How do you know that?" Shiro raised an eyebrow. "You psychic or something?"

Haruhi wouldn't deny it.

"What business do you have up here, Shiro?" Kyouya positioned his glasses for the thousandth time that day, further tattooing two oval marks into the bridge of his nose. He hated having to deal with kids. It was bad enough babysitting Tamaki and the twins every afternoon.

"Which one of you is the Host King?" Shiro crossed his little arms, eyes determined.

Tamaki, placed a palm to his chest, expression proud. "That would be me."

Shiro stared at him for a few seconds. "No seriously." He gazed up at the tallest of the seven. "It's you, right?"

Mori was flattered.

"No!" Tamaki scowled. "It's me! _I'm_ the Host KING!"

"You're lying!"

"It's him!" They all pointed to Tamaki.

"Really?" Shiro gaped. "The queer?"

Tamaki gasped and the twins chortled.

"What am I supposed to learn from him?" Shiro growled. "How to give handjobs and take it up the ass?"

"Hey!" The queer snapped. That was only half true!

"Crap!" Shiro kicked at a random table leg. "Now I'll never get any bitches!"

"... Bitches?" They all repeated.

"Yeah!" The boy wiped away a few tears, disappointed eyes still on Tamaki. "I heard you were like the Bitch Master!"

"The Bitch Master?" Several hands stretched over Haruhi's ears and Mori placed a pink set of Bunny earmuffs on his lover.

"I heard you had bitches dropping like flies!"

"Well, if by bitches you mean women," The self declared Host King put stiffly before clearing his throat, a dangerously smug expression tightening his features. "I do seem to have that effect on them."

Shiro blinked, impish eyes widening. "Really?"

He brushed a practiced hand through his golden tresses. "Naturally."

"Really?" The boy snaked his head around to eye the rest of the club.

"... Really." They all admitted reluctantly.

"Then you'll take me on as an apprentice player?"

"Er..."

"I heard you were a certified pimp by eight grade!"

"Well..." Tamaki cradled flushed cheeks, overcome with narcissism, his ego drunken with overindulgence. "I suppose I could-"

"You better." A sly smirk slipped over Shiro's lips. "Or I'll tell everyone that you're just a virgin loser."

Tamaki swallowed hard and the rest of them groaned as they felt another episode coming on. Why did they keep running into these people?

* * *

"Tamaki-sama." A girl with collagen inflated lips and long, soft black curls lay against her requested host's shoulder, her fingers playing where his arms had gently curved around the waist of her hideous mustard yellow dress. "Are you having any luck at all with your little..." Her eyes averted downward. "Problem down there?"

"Eheheheh..." He laughed nervously, sending a sharp glare towards the twins' area. And why did she have to say 'little'? "I wouldn't put too much weight into what those twins say, princess."

"Oh, I don't mind." The girl tossed her ebony bangs back, eyes still trailing the midriff of his blazer. "I'm sure if you'd let me, I could help to..." Her fingers crept down the line of the jacket. "... reverse the situation..."

Snickering.

Rolling her eyes, the not-so-regal "princess", turned to the boy sitting beside them on the rosy colored sofa of the third music room. "Is something funny... little boy?"

"Your face is funny, bitch."

She gasped and the blonde made a high squeaking noise.

"And anyway," More snickering. "Good luck making it with this fruit loop."

"What?" She snapped, now examining her complexion in a round, pink compact mirror. Nothing about it seemed funny to her. Should she pump her lips with more collagen? Should she have eaten that piece of toast that morning? Was her thousand dollar make up in place? She would fire those cosmetic consultants as soon as possible!

"Nothing's going to help." Shiro drawled, as if reading her thoughts. "And this flamer'll probably ask you to do something faggoty like getting married first before-OW!"

Shiro screamed as he was practically dragged over the music room tiles by the rear of his neck. "HELP, BITCHES!" He struggled against his attacker. "CHILD ABUSE!"

"Shut up!" Tamaki shoved him onto a fluffy arm chair, hands still pressed firmly against his shoulders. "You will not call them bitches and you..." He trailed off, leaning in closer to the boy. "You promised you wouldn't tell!"

"I wasn't telling!"

"You were alluding!"

"What the fuck's that mean?"

"It means," A new, cooler voice started, with a slight edge of warning. "that all matters concerning Tamaki's sex life are not to be hinted at or discussed. What he does in private is none of our customers' business."

"Kyouya!" Tamaki's eyes brightened with gratitude.

"Why?" Shiro's eyes fluttered back and forth suspiciously between the two. "Are you fucking him?"

They both blinked, slightly caught off guard.

"Nnngh! Kaoru!" Strange noises suddenly echoed from the notorious "curtained area".

"Hikaru..."

"Do it faster! Faster, Kaoru!"

"I'm doing it as fast as I can!"

"EEEEEEE!" The usual squealing.

"Wha?" Shiro gasped, his smirk twisting into a look of disgust. "Is that those twins?"

"Well, at least they're not messing around with the customers again..." Tamaki sighed, arms crossed. "But that's all wrong."

The boy nodded rapidly.

"Kaoru is supposed to be the more passive one." The blonde grumbled. "They've been distant and distracted ever since that fake fight..." He turned to Kyouya, a glimpse of fear in his eyes. "Do you think it has something to do with Haruhi?"

"... No..." Kyouya responded mockingly, one hand penciling God knows what into his diary. "How could it possibly have anything to do with Haruhi? She's only the first person to determine the difference between them."

"Yeah." Tamaki nodded seriously, relief apparent in his features. "You're probably right. I don't know what I was thinking."

_... Dumbass. _Kyouya's scribbling grew more erratic. Why had he been cursed with such an idiot for a best friend/club president/occasional booty call?

"Excuse me?" Shiro waved his small limbs in alarm. "They're twins!"

Both 2nd years exchanged quizzical glances as Shiro stated the obvious.

"That's bestiality!" The boy spat.

"Incest." A slightly peeved Tamaki corrected, another life lesson from sex-ed.

"SAME DIFFERENCE!"

"Hey, Shiro-chan!" The hobbit called from his place perched upon Mori's shoulder. "Do you like cake?"

"Psh." Shiro rolled his eyes. "Cake is for faggots."

"... What?" Hunny's eyes glowed menacingly, his voice sinking an octave lower. "Would you mind repeating that?"

"Mitsukuni." Mori scolded his lover. "He's only a child."

"It's important to instill values at a young age, Takashi." And cake was a_ serious _value.

"You know what the doctor said, Mitsukuni."

The hobbit took a few deep breaths in and out, his expression slowly softening again, eyelids closing.

"Mm." Mori gave a slight smile and patted him on the head.

Shiro's eyes darted back and forth between the two, eyebrows creasing by the millisecond.

"We're cousins." Mori explained the more acceptable half of it as he settled on the ground beside the much younger boy.

"Ah..."

"So..." Mori planted a kiss on the hobbit's dark blonde head. "... when do you turn eighteen?"

"Queers!" Shiro scrambled away, clear accusation in his eyes. "YOU'RE ALL QUEERS!"

Girls shot nervous glances in their direction and the twins' heads popped out from the curtain.

Kyouya sighed and turned to his best friend whose fingernails were currently digging crescents into his palms. "I'm going to dismiss the customers early."

"Alright." the blonde grumbled.

"You." He jabbed a black pen at Tamaki's chest. "Get rid of him."

"B-But he's come seeking my unfailing guidance-"

"Get over yourself." Jab. "I want that fucking spore gone by the time I get back." And with that, the Shadow King stormed off to exterminate the room of fangirls.

Tamaki just frowned after him. Cocaine really was a hell of a drug. But no matter. Nothing in the world- including the evil shadow lord's forces- could convince him to get rid of his new apprentice.

"And what the hell are you then?" Shiro squinted at his latest victim. "A reverse faggot? A dike?"

"Eh..." Haruhi's eye twitched.

"WHAT?" The twins and Tamaki stampeded in their direction. "Haruhi isn't a girl!"

"Just look at the bulge!" They motioned toward her middle.

Shiro just stared at the mount. He then reached forward to flick at it with his tiny fingers and they all watched in terror as it dislodged and a balled sock rolled out from under her pants leg.

"Hm..." He blinked at their mortified expressions. Save for Haruhi's, who seemed to be relieved by the lack of sock. "So I have something else on you now."

They choked.

"Hey you." He snapped a finger up to point at the shemale. "Commoner dike bitch."

"Wha?"

"Go make me a sandwich."

"That's enough." Tamaki loomed over the boy, eyes solemn. No, nothing in the world would convince him to dispose of his new apprentice. Nothing but threats to his "daughter" that is. "Hikaru! Kaoru!" He snapped a finger.

They exchanged glances before turning back to him. "... What?"

He gave an aggravated sigh. It wasn't as cool if he had to tell them! The magical communication skill of simply snapping his fingers and relaying a command was so much more effective! "Detain him!"

"YESSIR!"

Before he could even think to scamper away, the twins had him by the arms.

"HELP!" he cried as he was dragged toward the back of the room where an open coatroom area stood. Haruhi suddenly had a terrible realization. But no. Her senpai was much kinder than that. She turned to him with a nervous smile. "They're not going to-"

She watched as they shoved the boy kicking and screaming into one of the six rosy colored lockers. "They did..."

"LET ME OUT!" Shiro banged on the metal from the inside of the locker. "It's hot and smelly in here!"

"Good God..." Haruhi groaned.

Tamaki crossed his arms. "You're going to stay in there until you learn how to respect people." People meaning Haruhi.

"Couldn't you have used something more humane?"

"YOU FAGGOTS!" Shiro bellowed.

"Even a cage, maybe?"

"That's not helping your situation." The blonde sat at one of the many round wooden tables and reached for his weed pocket.

"Hey..." They all looked up to see their vice president moving toward them, diary in hand. His eyes scanned the area. "Did you get rid of the kid?"

"Sort of." Kaoru shrugged.

"We stuffed him in the locker."

Kyouya's eyes narrowed and Haruhi waited for him to free their victim. "Did any of the customers see?"

"Nope."

"Oh, good then." Haruhi's hope deflated as he fell down beside Tamaki, the irate expression never leaving his features. "Will you stop smoking that?"

"Will you stop shooting up?" The blonde deliberately expelled a cloud of intertwining smoke rings in his direction.

"What?" Haruhi furrowed an eyebrow.

"Nothing." They replied in unison.

"Senpai, can't we get in trouble for this?"

"Trouble?" He half laughed, half choked.

"Silly Haru." Hikaru poked at her cheek.

"We're the Host Club." Kaoru explained from the other side.

"We can't get in trouble." They all explained.

Haruhi suddenly felt less host and more mob gangster.

"COME ON!" More banging. "YOU HAVE TO HELP ME GET BITCHES!"

Tamaki just took another drag of marijuana. It smelled suspiciously like strawberries today.

"PLEASE!" Shiro's muffled begging crowded the air around them. "YOU WERE MY ONLY HOPE!"

The blonde froze mid-puff.

"NO ONE IS AS GOOD AT THIS AS THE HOST KING!"

"King?" Tamaki's pupils dilated.

"You're..." Shiro caught on quickly. "SO AWESOME!"

Tamaki beamed. It was true!

"I'm your biggest fan!" the boy lied. "They should make a movie about you!"

"That's what I've been saying!" The blonde gasped. Finally, someone who knew his heart!

"You're my role model!" Everyone rolled their eyes at the sryrupy sweet, sugar-coated, obviously false tone echoing from the locker. Everyone, but Tamaki that is.

"Shiro-kun!" The Host King marched over to the locker despite the warning looks the twins sent him and swung the door open. "You've proven yourself! It's clear to me that you have seen the light and repented from your cruel ways!"

"Yeah, whatever." Shiro stumbled out from the locker, glad to have clean air again. "Just don't put me back in there!" He coughed. "It smelled like shit and it was cramped!"

"Cramped?" Hikaru frowned.

"You weigh like sixty pounds..."

"It couldn't have been that cramped."

Shiro shrugged. "Well, if it wasn't for that girl in there..."

"... girl?"

Haruhi swallowed hard. Another victim? Was the locker penalty usual punishment around the Host Club?

The twins approached the locker, swung the door open, and a brunette teenager came tumbling forward.

"... Renge?"

Nervous laughter. "H-Hi..." She stumbled awkwardly to her feet and scratched at her ruffled bangs. "I was just... you know... hanging out."

"In a locker?" Haruhi's brow furrowed.

"W-Well, yeah." She played anxiously at the skirts of her uniform. "I have to find out what's going on somehow." Her fingers dug harshly into the material. "Since someone never calls or emails me or even bothers to say hi to me in the hallways..."

Kyouya tried his damnedest to be invisible.

"Er..." Haruhi's eyes bounced between the two.

"HEY!" Shiro yelled. "YOU GUYS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING ME FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET BITCHES!"

Tamaki's fingertips kneaded against his forehead. Why had he agreed to let him out again? "Shiro-kun, there are ladies present. You can't just call them-"

"Hm?" Renge surveyed the boy curiously. "Well, you'll never get bitches with that attitude."

"Huh?" Shiro's eyes widened. "You can help me get bitches?"

Renge nodded solemnly. "I can help you get bitches _and_ hos... But..." She lifted an index finger. "It'll take practice."

Shiro smirked, eyes determined. "I'm ready."

The rest of the room just whistled and looked the other way. It wasn't especially wise to challenge their ex-porn director.

* * *

"Alright!" Renge towered over the boy who was now dressed in a purple gator suit two sizes too big and a feathered floppy white hat. "This is your first lap! GO!" She motioned to a punching bag. "Make your pimp hand strong!"

"It HURTS!" Shiro cried as his tiny fists met with plastic and sand.

"Well, TOUGH!" Renge blared at him through her ever popular megaphone. "AND YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!" She brought an open palmed slap down on the boy's head. "LIKE THAT!"

"OW!"

"UNTIL YOUR PALMS ARE RED!"

Two bruised palms and 10 minutes later...

"I don't get it..." Shiro groaned.

"Neither do I..." Haruhi put in from the sidelines.

"Oh, Haruhi!" Renge giggled. "You're so naive." She turned back to her student/victim, eyes fierce again. "THAT'S ALL WRONG! YOU NEED A WALK!"

"I AM WALKING!" Shiro shot back as he strolled across the music room.

"YOU NEED A LIMP!"

"THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?"

"Let me help you!" she blared before making her way toward him and giving him a well placed kick in the shins. Yelping, he limped the rest of the way.

"YEAH!" she cheered. "DO IT LIKE THAT!"

Two bruised palms, a swollen knee, and 5 minutes later...

"Where's my money, BITCH?" Shiro demanded.

"I..." Renge's eyes roved over the ground. "I don't have it, daddy."

"OH YEAH?"

"Y-Yeah..."

"Well..." Shiro curled his fingers into fists. "... can we just fuck then?"

"NONONONONONNO!" Renge bomped him over the head repeatedly. "You're supposed to let me have it! Slap me across the face! Throw me around a little!"

Haruhi tried hard not to think about what serious home life issues caused this sort of behavior.

"By my hair!"

"Renge-kun!" Tamaki exclaimed, hands clasped together in excitement. "This is such an interesting, but depressing look into the lives of commoners in the underworld! Your knowledge is amazing!"

"Hohohohohohoho!" Renge blubbered retardedly.

"You guys..." Shiro trembled with rage and from standing on his bad knee. "YOU GUYS ARE STUPID!"

Haruhi frowned. It had taken him that long to figure that out and they were the stupid ones?

"I'LL NEVER GET MY BITCH NOW!" he cried as he sped from the room, nearly tripping over his gator pants legs.

"My 'bitch'?" Haruhi's expression grew thoughtful.

"What a waste of time." Renge sighed. And she hadn't even been roughed up a bit...

Tamaki just shrugged. "He's probably just not ready yet. At his age, there's lots of ti-"

"He said my 'bitch'." Haruhi offered.

Tamaki winced. "Yeah, we know." He leaned back against a marble pillar. "He liked that word a lot..."

"No." Haruhi pressed, annoyed. "He said 'bitch'. Not 'bitches'"

"... What's the difference?"

"Bitch. As in singular?" She tensed as he pulled a random bar of soap from his blazer pocket. "As in one bitch?"

Tamaki frowned, soap lowering to his side. "Just what are you getting at, Haru-"

"He's only after one girl in particular!" She nearly shouted into his foolish expression.

"Oh..." Well, there wasn't any need to yell about it... His expression grew melancholy, a light bulb flashing on somewhere underneath. "Well, men," he announced, the usual I-Have-A-Plan ring in his tone. "You know what this calls for."

She nodded, expecting the usual ridiculous game plan.

Instead, he held up a neatly packaged cardboard box. "Haruhi in this school girl uniform."

Her mind drew a blank. "... what?" She swallowed hard as they descended on her, creepy grins in tow.

* * *

"I can't pull it up any higher!" Haruhi complained as the navy blue material hiked further and further up her thighs. "It's supposed to be longer!"

"No one actually wears the uniform the right way, Haru-chan!" Hunny beamed up at her, his own high school uniform replaced with forest green elementary attire. A grin worthy of the grimiest pervert peered out from a shadowed hallway. Mori approved.

"Even in fifth grade?" Haruhi groaned, contrary to the opinion of four more perverts hidden in the shadows. Well, three. Kyouya wasn't nearly as ecstatic as his fellow schoolmates. Not that he was homosexual or anything like that... He was totally and completely straight. Totally.

"I can't walk in these..." Haruhi nearly tumbled to the marble ground for a fifth time. The other hundred times, she had actually tripped over the shiny, black heels strapped around her ankles. If they were going to infiltrate the elementary section, she would have preferred the boy's uniform. Not that many girls seemed to be strolling about in micro minis and heels. Not that she could actually pass for a fifth grader in the first place. She bit her lip in irritation. Perhaps there was an ulterior motive to this.

"Hey Haruhi!" Kaoru tossed a mechanical pen across the room. "Can you get that for me?"

She shot him a glare as she leaned over, the skirt climbing even higher up her thighs. "If you don't want it on the ground, then why do you keep tossing it?"

"PERVERTS!" A hypocritical Host King accused. "Don't you have any common decency?"

"Us?" They sang in unison.

"Didn't you ask her to pick up that weed bag an hour ago?" Hikaru lifted an eyebrow.

"W-Well, yeah, but that was-" The blonde blushed. "I actually-"

"And Kuma-chan." Kaoru went on.

"And that stack of commoners' coffee."

"You also lied and told her her shoes were undone."

"You're disgusting, Tono."

"A filthy, pathetic excuse for a human being."

"Tono" moped in a newfound corner, complete with building blocks and dollhouses. He wasn't disgusting. What was so disgusting about wanting to see your daughter occasionally bending over in a school girl uniform? As her father, he was_ only _encouraging exercise and a healthy fashion sense...

"Excuse me?" A small, soft voice spoke up from his side.

Sniff. "Hm?" He turned to see a child of about seven or eight, two thick, auburn pigtails bouncing about her tiny head.

"Are you okay?" she smiled shyly.

Sniff, sniff. He wiped a single tear from his eye. "Mmhm."

"Hey Tono." Hikaru kicked him playfully in the side.

"Ask her if she knows where Shiro is."

The blonde glowered up at the two before turning back to face the child, a charming smile slipping over his lips. "Ma cherie."

The girl tensed.

"What's a beautiful flower like you doing walking the hallways at this time?"

"E...erm..." she uttered, her cheeks reddening.

"For you." He held a red rose packaged chocolate out to her. "Do you like candy?"

"He..."

"Heh?" He repeated huskily.

"HELP!" The girl sped off running in the opposite direction. "I NEED AN ADULT!"

They all blinked after her as she neared a grand entrance way reading, "EXECUTIVE OFFICE".

"... Now you've done it."

"You're going to have to change your approach to children, Tono."

"Senpai," Haruhi growled.

"B-But I-"

"If you're going to keep molesting kids-"

"I WASN'T-!"

"Excuse me?" A stern faced middle aged woman in grey plaid stormed out of the office, the distressed victim not far behind. "I don't know what kind of antics you get up to back at the high school-"

"Ma'am, please!" Tamaki begged as she seized him by the ear.  
"And the headmaster's son at that!" she growled. "I've heard all about you and your whore house!"

"Whore house?"

"Parading around like a bunch of prostitutes!"

"GYAH!" He whined as she twisted his earlobe harshly and half dragging him down the hall muttering about foreigners and pedophiles and man sluts.

"Sokida?" A bored voice called from the Executive's Office.

The woman sighed heavily and stopped mid-drag. "That's Sokida-sama to you, Takaoji."

Takaoji? They all snapped around from the blubbering Tamaki and back to the grand entrance way where a familiar little head poked out from the double doors.

"Sokida-sama." he said mockingly. "Are we done for the day?"

Another sigh. "I suppose I'll have to punish you some other time." Her eyes narrowed in on Tamaki. "I have to deal with this pedophile first."

"Really?" Shiro's eyes widened. "I thought he was just a queer."

"He assaulted me!" the little girl cried.

"NO!" The supposed pedophile retorted. "WE WERE LOOKING FOR YOU!" He pointed at Shiro.

Shiro made a face. "You were looking to assault me?"

The woman had to tighten her hold on his ear to keep him from charging at the boy.

"Please, ma'am." Kyouya finally spoke up. "This is all just a misunderstanding. Shiro is part of the High School Shadowing Program."

"Ah." The woman's features softened a bit under the Shadow King's cool, hypnotic gaze.

"Tamaki is simply a bit hyperactive." He went on to explain. "He's been diagnosed with ADD and he forgot to take his pills this morning."

Tamaki gasped and the twins snickered.

"I assure you, we will properly medicate him and leave the premises just as soon as our business is finished here."

"Hm..." The woman's eyes flitted suspiciously between the Shadow King and the molestor. "Is this true, Shiro?"

The twins subtlety motioned to a line of tan colored lockers against the wall and the boy nodded reluctantly.

"Fine." She released the blonde. "But make it quick or I'll send security after you."

"Yes, ma'am." The seven of them rang as she disappeared into the Executive's Office again.

"Shiro-kun?" Tamaki's victim breathed shyly, her eyes still fearfully glancing at her oppressor every few seconds. "Are you coming to piano practice?"

"Why?" he grumbled in response, eyes finding the ground. "You're the one competing at Nationals."

"S-Sorry..." She blushed. "We'll only be gone for a month."

"Whatever."

She frowned, her small princess pink slippers shuffling upon the marble floor. "I wanted to play with you before I left..."

Silence.

"Miya?" A female voice called and a young woman stepped out from around a near corner to claim it, long dark hair swinging down her back. "Have you been practicing?" she beamed.

"Yeah!" Miya's expression brightened.

"Come on then." She laughed, placing a hand to the girl's shoulder and leading her down the corridor. "Let's go over the music for Nationals."

Still smiling, Miya let herself be led from the hallway, but not before shooting Shiro a sad look from over her shoulder. He only grunted and turned away in response as they vanished around the corner.

"Shiro?" Haruhi kneeled down beside the boy, careful to keep the navy skirt in place. "Do you like her?"

"Huh?" Shiro blinked. "Oh yeah." A devilish smirk slipped over his lips. "That bitch is fine, right?"

She sighed. "Is she the 'bitch' you've been after?"

"Yeah." he grumbled. "But they're leaving for the competition in a week." He shuffled his feet in a very innocent, un-Shiro like gesture.

"That's what you meant by 'bitches'?" Tamaki trembled in rage. "That's why you blackmailed me?"

Shiro snorted. "It's not my fault if you make an easy tar- Whoa!" he cried as he was lifted up and hoisted over the blonde's shoulder. "What are you doing? Put me down!"

They all remained silent as they moved down the corridors to accompany their King in the kidnapping.

"Put me down or else!"

Hikaru snickered. "Or else what?"

"What are you going to do?" Kaoru added.

Shiro drew in a deep breath and they watched him curiously.

"I NEED AN ADULT!" he bellowed.

They all swallowed hard as Mrs. Sokida's stern expression peeked out from the Executive Office. "Shiro?"

"Run." Tamaki gave a squeaky command and their movements grew quicker and quicker.

"HE TOUCHED ME INAPPROPRIATELY!" Shiro gushed before four hands pressed over his mouth.

"COME BACK HERE!" The woman shrieked as they zoomed toward the exit, The Not-So Wild Type hoisting Haruhi into his arms before she could tumble over the three inch heels.

"YOUR FATHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS!" They caught one last warning before scampering over the grassy campus with their latest victim.

* * *

"Ow!" Shiro landed head first upon the rarely used piano bench of the High School's third music room before reeling around to point accusingly at his kidnapper. "I'm gonna tell everyone your a sexless, virgin _queer_ who takes it up the ass!"

"How does that even make sense?" Haruhi droned as she climbed down from the 6'3 Mori.

"Should we put him back in the locker, Tono?" The twins offered.

"Not yet." Tamaki held a hand up, his eyes shadowed with golden bangs.

"Not yet?" Shiro froze up.

"Why didn't you tell us you were after one girl?"

The boy shrugged. "One bitch. A million bitches."

The blonde's fists clenched. "Hikaru! Kaoru!"

"Okay!" Shiro gasped as the twins inched his way. "Damn!"

"This situation requires a different type of training." Haruhi's eyes widened in slight fear as he walked around the black cobwebbed grand keyboard to take a seat beside Shiro. He flexed slender, lengthy fingers over the keys and she started discreetly toward the Exit when a striking melody suddenly echoed throughout the room, forceful and resounding like...

"Police sirens?" Shiro blinked.

"WAAAH!" The hobbit wailed, his arms closing around his cousin's neck. "They've come to take Tama-chan away!"

"I'll defend you in court." Mori said the most he had all day.

"What the hell, Tono?" Hikaru leaned over the keyboard.

"I- I don't know!" The blonde's fingers came down once more and a new chorus of sirens began. "It's set to Piano!"

"Tono broke it." Kaoru explained.

"I DID N-"

"Ahem." Kyouya cleared his throat. "I was feeling a bit off yesterday." If by 'Feeling off' he meant 'strung out and delirious'. "I might have... bumped into it a few times." If by 'Bumped into' he meant 'smashed with a two-by-four'.

Hikaru reached to set the keyboard to Honky Tonk.

Applause.

Kaoru set it to Violin.

Gunshots.

Shiro set it to Sex Noises.

Piano.

"Goddammit." the boy cursed. But he wasn't disappointed for long. From the moment that those long, slender fingers touched upon the keys, the room fell into awed silence, the only sound remaining, an enthusiastic jazz medley flowing smoothly from the speakers. The melody crescendoed and then melted into a sweet, heartfelt ballad before finally softening and slowing to an end.

"Well?" He beamed proudly at the younger boy, averting his gaze to steal a glance at Haruhi every second or so. She only blinked in confusion. Since when did her senior use musical instruments for anything but stripping platforms? And more importantly, what teacher had the ability to penetrate his Attention Deficit Disorder and make him sit still for more than a few minutes?

"Wow..." Shiro breathed, eyes lingering on his fingers. "If I thought you were gay before..."

"It's alright, Shiro-kun." The blonde gave a smug sigh. "There's no need to apolo-"

"Now I really think you're a fag..."

"What?"

"But," The boy ignored the King's flabbergasted look to cradle his chin in contemplation. "You're right. Bitches do go for that musician shit."

"Then it's settled." He recovered quickly. "You can meet me here for practice morning, noon, and night!"

"What if I don't trust being alone with you at night?"

The blonde snapped a finger. "Hikaru. Kao-"

"Okay!"

"By the end of the week, you'll be able to play with your princess before she leaves!" He continued to babble on about love and bonds and promises and other gag worthy illusions, but Haruhi couldn't help a small, genuine smile from slipping over her lips. At the least, Miya would be happy.

* * *

A week later...

"Where's Miya?" They all frowned down on the boy from their assigned places around the white, Steinway grand piano. Shiro had entered the music room that evening along with the music teacher they'd seen with Miya, but the girl was no where to be found.

"Miya?" Shiro cocked an eyebrow. "Why would I invite that bitch?"

"Why?" Tamaki boomed. "She's your girlfriend, isn't she?"

"You must really be a pedo." The boy shook his head. "That bitch has about as much boobs as your tranny."

"She's eight!" The twins, Haruhi, and Hunny exclaimed as they struggled to restrain their King from ripping the boy a new one.

"This here is my bitch." Shiro stretched a tiny arm up to curve around the waist of his very much adult music teacher. The woman gulped in response.

"Your lessons really helped, faggot." He dodged as the blonde escaped momentarily and lashed out for his arm. "Now I have more confidence and shit."

Tamaki froze for a bit. "You do?"

He nodded. "Instead of waiting around for my ho to come back like a punk ass bitch, I asked my dad to blackmail the music program into sending me instead of Miya."

Tamaki launched back into attack mode and Shiro simply chuckled in response before turning to the woman.

"Come on, bitch." He led her toward the piano. "Let me show you the skills the fag taught me."

Steam seemed to pour from the blonde's ears.

"Though I can probably do it ten times better than that queer."

"Okay..." The woman gloomed, obviously upset with her predicament.

"_Excuse me?_"

"Yes, daddy."

The music began and in turn, the Host King whimperingly retreated to one of his many corners.

"Senpai?"

He merely sniffled in acknowledgment of the girl kneeling down beside him. She'd changed back into her usual male attire.

"You fucked up again."

"Shut up..."

"You need a light?" She held up a sushi shaped lighter. When he was in a better, less angst ridden mood, he would ask her where she'd found such a fascinating commoner product. For now, he simply frowned.

"Why did you think I was going to smoke?"

"Were you?"

"... Yeah." He pulled his token weed bag from his blazer pocket.

"You need to stop." she sighed, quite contradictorily as the lighter sparked beneath her fingers. He lit a sloppily made joint and launched directly into a coughing attack.

"So," She patted lightly at her senior's back. "When did you learn how to play the piano like that?"

"My mom's old job." He explained, settling back into the corner. "The pianist there would teach me tricks whenever she was busy working." His smile brightened at the memory. "And she taught me at home."

"Oh?" Haruhi mirrored the smile. "What did she do?"

"Eh..."

"Come on, bitch!" They turned around just in time to see Shiro attempting to drag his "bitch" from the premises. "We have to pack!"

"I better take care of this." The blonde sighed, beginning to rise to his feet. Thank God for his father's being headmaster. Or else he might have been suspended already what with the lunatics he set off daily. "It was supposed to work out..."

"Your superfluous plans never do." Haruhi stated blankly and he winced at the harshness in her words.

"But for what it's worth," An honest grin curved over her lips. "I think you're a really good guy, senpai."

"I-I'm a? M-Me? Eh..."

She raised an eyebrow and walked off as he was suddenly rendered incoherent. Weird... Why did guys do that around her anyway? It wasn't as if she had some sort of unintentional, but dangerous effect on men. It was probably all in her head.

Tamaki, on the other hand, Tamaki was ecstatic! He wasn't just an ADMIRABLE guy anymore! He was a GOOD, admirable guy! Not that this was news to him, but coming from his daughter it meant so much more! He stared as she made her way across the floors, grinned dumbly as she gave him her signature irritated look, and waved as she left the music room. He even caught her annoyed gaze from feet away as she glowered up at him from the courtyard. But what he didn't catch were the two, identical resentful glares piercing into him from the other side of the room. He didn't catch his best friend's rapidly souring expression or the hobbit's worried gaze.

An unspoken war was just beginning.

* * *

The drama begins! Or continues...

Anyway, next chapter: **Haruhi sneaks out for late night Ootori resort rave. Yay for drugs and driving while intoxicated... (Don't do that at home!) I'll make it work.**

**Any suggestions for the next chapter, comments on this one, or ANYTHING AT ALL? Tell me in your review! :D**


	14. You're a Virgin Who Can't Drive

The two identical captors strolled over the cracked pavement like rock star gangsters, sporting leather studded jackets and sunglasses that, though undeniably sexy, proved quite useless in the dark of midnight. Shadow stretched over the terrain and not a sound could be heard save for the wind and the furious grumbling emanating from between them where their victim squirmed relentlessly in their twin clutches. They approached the driver's window of the cream colored Rolls Royce as they'd been instructed, ignoring their victim's struggle. A mechanical whirring began and slowly, its interior was revealed.

"Mission accomplished." The thugs stated together at the first glimpse of blonde.

"Excellent." The driver grinned from behind shades almost identical to those of his thugs, a small diamond encrusted crown on the side the only difference. "Bring her in immediately."

The whirring started up again and the window retreated as the victim was promptly thrust into the backseat beside a towering giant.

"Mm," it greeted her.

"You won't let her escape out of your window, will you, Mori-senpai?" Thug One inquired of the giant.

The giant smiled, assuring that they could trust him as an accomplice in their crime.

Both thugs grinned appreciatively as they shuffled in after their victim. They then turned to the driver's seat. "Hey Tono?"

"Can we take these stupid jackets off now?"

"It's hot as hell out there." Thug Two slammed the door behind him.

"And we can't see shit." Two pairs of thousand dollar glasses flew out of the window.

"Hey, watch your fucking mouths around your sister, alright?" the blonde scolded. "And this cosplay is essential to my fantasy!"

"You have a fantasy of kidnapping someone." A monotonous mutter came from the passenger's seat where fingers could be heard fluttering over the keys of a laptop.

"I didn't know you were the type, Tama-chan!" The hobbit spoke from between them, eying his leader worriedly.

"Don't be crass!" The mob leader scolded. "Haven't you ever seen The Godfather?"

"I don't think they were wearing studded, leather jackets and sunglasses, Tono."

"Does that mean there'll be shooting?" asked the thugs, depravity spreading along their features like the plague.

Tamaki paled and the squirming muffled sounds grew louder.

"Oh sorry, Haruhi." Hikaru reached over to rip a line of duct tape from the commoner's mouth.

"YOOWCH!" She squealed, tears rimming her eyelids.

"HIKARU-" Tamaki began with the fierceness.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" she demanded with all the fury of a demon, eyes zeroing in on the Host King.

"H-Haruhi..." Tamaki pleaded from the spot where he'd scrambled upon the dashboard, clutching Hunny for dear life. "W-We didn't mean-"

"D-Don't be mad, Haru-chan!" Hunny buried his face into the leather of the blonde's jacket. "We just wanted you to be there..."

"Be where?" she growled.

"At Hunny-senpai's birthday party," Kyouya responded, unfazed by her outburst. "It's tonight at my father's latest project: The Ootori Amusement Park."

"Tonight?" she choked. "It's nearly one in the morning!" Her stomach dropped as she caught a glance at her quiet apartment building. "If my father finds out-!"

"Eh, don't be a prude, Haruhi." Hikaru shrugged.

"Live a little."

"Don't tell me you've never snuck out before." They both turned on her, mischief written over their cat-like grins.

"Eh..."

"Don't teach my daughter such bad morals," Tamaki sighed as he crawled down from the dashboard.

"Us?" They raised two eyebrows.

"Does the mansion know you're out tonight, Tono?"

"Eh, well... no-"

"Do they know you stole a car from the garages?"

"I didn't steal it!" he whined. "I'm going to bring it back!"

"In how many pieces?"

"You don't even have a license."

"Mm?" Mori blinked at something to his left.

"I know how to drive!" Tamaki boomed. "I've been playing Grand Theft Auto for weeks now!"

"You suck at that game, Tono."

"Mm?" Mori squinted.

"Well, if I suck so bad then why are you in the car with me?"

"We're suicidal obviously." Kyouya graced the conversation with his sarcasm.

"Mmm?" Mori's eyes widened.

""Don't you fucking start, Kyouya!"

"Shut up and drive, you insufferable dumbass."

"FIGHT! FIGHT!" The twins chanted.

"Um... guys?" The hobbit pressed his nose against the window in the direction that his cousin was staring.

"OooOOooOooooh look at me!" Tamaki danced foolishly about the driver's seat. "I'm Kyouya and I think I'm SOOOoOOooOOOooOO badass!"

"If you keep pushing your glasses up that hard, you'll break them, senpai." Kaoru warned.

"Guys...?"

"Stop being so immature, senpai!" Haruhi groaned.

"You think I'm immature?" he gasped.

"TURN THE FUCK AROUND, YOU RETARDS!"

They all gulped and slowly turned to see the hobbit glaring darkly from the front window.

It then giggled and pointed cutely at the glass. "He's coming."

Their heartbeats built to an unsteady crescendo as they spotted a shadowed figure dashing across the pavement, rifle in hand.

"HARUHI!" It scrambled toward the car. "BRING MY DAUGHTER BACK!"

"Is that your father, Haruhi?" Tamaki swallowed hard. "Maybe we should let you out-"

"No!" Haruhi cried as a shot fired into the night. "Drive! Just drive!" She'd be damned if she would be responsible for the death of six classmates. Even if they were unbearable to deal with...

"Eh... okay." Tamaki sighed in disappointment as he started the engine. "I so wanted to meet your father, Haruhi. Now..." He licked his lips. "Which one of these is the accelerator again?"

They all gave each other a fearful look. "Huh-?"

The car zoomed backwards, zigzagging as it went.

"AHHHHHHH!" A voice screamed from outside of the car.

"IT'S IN REVERSE!" The twins cried.

"Huh?" Tamaki blinked as he glimpsed the rear view mirror. "Well at least Haruhi's dad isn't chasing us anymore."

"That's because you're chasing him!" Haruhi cried, terrified eyes glued to the scene outside of the rear window. "PUT IT IN DRIVE!"

"Drive?"

"HELP MEEEE!" The shadowed figure cried.

"Or at least brake!"

"Brake?"

"I SWEAR IF YOU KILL MY DAD, SENPAI...!"

"GRAND THEFT AUTO WAS NOTHING LIKE THIS!"

"Idiot." Kyouya jammed the gear shift upward to Drive and they all flew forward, slamming back into their seats as the car sped ahead.

"You should wear your seatbelts," Hunny waggled his finger in an ironically authoritative way at the strewn mess of bodies that now covered.

Haruhi's eyes fluttered open to see someone hovering over her, their arms perched on either side.

"I think I like this position," Hikaru smirked.

"Get off," she groaned, pushing at his shoulders and he edged away from her small, pajama clad form, limbs sluggish and reluctant.

"Don't make me come back there!" Tamaki threatened from the front seat and seeing as no one wanted to crash, they all scrambled back to their places.

"Hikaru?" Kaoru whispered , eyes narrowed at his older brother. "Are you blushing?"

"Hm?" Hikaru's eyes widened, the hue deepening to a shade of magenta. "No! I just..." He pinched at the legs of his jeans. "Put on too much makeup tonight..."

"... we don't wear blush." Eyeliner, concealer, and mascara were surely enough.

"Get off the curb," a low voice droned from the front of the car.

"Okay."

"Stay in your lane."

"Okay."

"The right is your lane."

"Okay."

"Your other right."

"Okay..."

"That was a red light."

"Okay!"

"I didn't know you were colorblind."

"STOP BOSSING ME!" Tamaki roared at his best friend.

"So we can crash?"

"Senpai, face the road!"

"And stay to your right!"

"Your other right!"

"YOUR OTHER RIGHT!" everyone but Tamaki exclaimed as he eased onto a flower filled divider.

"And watch out for that hydrant," Mori put in.

CRASH.

But no one ever listened to him.

"I-I..." Tamaki stammered as water gushed over the hood of the car. "I didn't see it!"

"That might've had something to do with the sunglasses, Tono."

"L-Let me just back up-"

"NO!" The entire car cried.

"I've had enough." Kyouya sighed, closing his laptop, and reaching for the door. "Switch seats with me."

"But I can do it-I-can-do-it-I-can-do-it!" The blonde cried childishly.

"Get out!" Kyouya exited the car, making sure to avoid the fountain of water splashing the hood. "I'm driving."

"But Kyouya-!"

"I said," The mysterious light reflecting off of his glasses dimmed and they all caught a glimpse of hell. "I'm driving."

And so the battered, drenched car remained stricken with silence- save for the virgin's defeated whimpering- for the remainder of the ride and Haruhi prepared herself for another nightmare. How many people would actually show up at a midnight birthday party anyway? Well, at the least, she smiled, there would be food...

* * *

"There is no food."

"HAH?" Haruhi cried in despair.

"I was joking, Haruhi," Kyouya smiled his sociopathic smile. "How else would we feed our guests?"

Haruhi groaned. As expected, the Shadow Lord's jokes weren't very funny.

"I just wanted it to last past the first hour."

"What?"

"Nothing." He positioned his glasses on the bridge of his nose where a red mark had began to form as he surveyed the crowded amusement park, his pen scribbling away in his diary all the while.

"HI HARUHIIII!" A group of fans giggled and waved from beside a majestic pink and purple-lit Ferris Wheel. She supposed they wanted her to ride with them. Those less enamored with her had decided to take their chances on one of the park's many frightening roller coasters where the twins seemed to spend most of their time. Others accompanied Tamaki into the Tunnel of Love and the pedophiles joined Hunny and Mori in the "cake factory" which had been engineered especially for him according to Kyouya. Mascots costumed as rosy pink bunny rabbits marched around the area, big smiles frozen on their faces.

"Aren't most people sleep at this time of night?" She stared in bewilderment as the very much alive amusement park rustled with life against the dark, nighttime backdrop.

"No, just you."

"What was that?" She grunted. Was it just her or was there contempt playing behind those shadowed lenses?

"I said 'Not just you.'" His grin widened. "But for the Host Club, our guests are willing to stay up and provide us with excellent revenue and a test of the facility."

"It hasn't been tested?" she frowned.

"It will be tonight."

Before she could question him on his morals- or lack thereof- two hands curled around her wrists.

"Hey Haruhi!" She turned to see Hikaru and Kaoru grinning devilishly, their ginger tresses wild and wind whipped. "Wanna ride The Death Train?"

Haruhi didn't want to ride anything where death was concerned. "Eh... I'll pass."

"Come on!" Hikaru leaned in. "I'll give you something else to wear."

She stared down at her apparel, a sewer green pajama blouse and mismatched pants with tiny, cute monkeys scrambling over the cotton. A Christmas gift from her father. The monkey mascot had apparently thought it was hilarious and attempted to bear hug her every time they crossed paths.

"Fine," she sighed. "I'll go."

"YAAAAY!" The twins rejoiced.

"Isn't the Death Train a two-seater?" Kyouya's pen halted briefly.

"Crap..."

"Well, too bad then," Haruhi started in the opposite direction. If she could just find the pretzel stand-

"No." Kaoru grinned, taking her by the wrist. "You two go ahead."

"What?" Hikaru demanded, genuinely caught off guard.

"Go ahead." The younger twin spun his brother around and prodded them both toward the black, 500-foot tall, jagged-edge coaster. "I'll be waiting back here for you."

"Kaoru?" Hikaru turned back. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah!" he grinned. "Don't worry! I'll be fine!"

He waved excitedly as Hikaru weaved through the crowd of mascots, fangirls, and their reluctant boyfriends to lead Haruhi to certain doom. toward certain doom. When they vanished into the chaotic mosaic, his wave faltered.

"I don't think I'll be fine!" he whined, throwing himself onto a padded bench beside the Shadow King.

A brief, barely noticeable decrease in pen speed. Silence.

"I said, 'I don't think-'"

"I heard you the first time." Scribble.

"My chest is burning..."

Scribble.

"And I'm shaky all over."

Scribble.

"Is that sugar edging out of your pocket?"

"EH?" Kyouya boomed in a very unKyouya-like manner before cramming the Ziploc bag further into his jeans. He had to be more careful about these things! Thank goodness that Kaoru was just as clueless about cocaine as the Host King. He might not have been so lucky with Hikaru.

Kaoru peered exhaustedly at the brunette, his forearms slumped onto his lap. "You haven't been listening."

"Mm."

"I thought you were supposed to be 'Mom'," The ginger raised an eyebrow. "You don't even know what your children are thinking."

"You're upset because Hikaru is showing a serious interest in someone besides yourself for once and you're worried that Haruhi will monopolize all of his time," Kyouya muttered without a break in his writing. "You're also dehydrated. Try to drink more water."

"Eh..." A freshly lit cigarette nearly drooped from Kaoru's lips. "How do you know that?"

"Irrelevant." _Go. Away._

"It's just..."

_Oh no._

"Ever since that time we pretended to fight..."

Now he wanted to tell him his life story...

"All I hear from Hikaru is Haruhi, Haruhi, Haruhi..." Kaoru sighed. "Is she really that big a deal?"

Kyouya's eyes widened, attention momentarily dropping from the diary. That's exactly what he'd been too emotionally constipated to say!

"Well, I guess that's not really true..."

"Mm?" Kyouya's eyes narrowed.

"She is really cute even in those cheap pajamas," Kaoru leaned back onto the bench and took another drag, eyes fixed vigilantly on something far out into the night sky. "And she always knows exactly what's on your mind whether you tell her or not." A slight smile formed on his lips and Kyouya gagged inside.

"How pathetic."

"Huh?" Kaoru asked, a bit defensively.

Oops, did he say that out loud?

"It's pathetic," he started, the patchwork raveling quickly and mutating into something much more sinister. "That your brother would drop you so quickly for someone he's only known for a couple of months."

Kaoru's eyes widened, emotion roiling wildly just below the surface. "He didn't drop me! He still-"

Kyouya glanced up to survey the boy intently. Something firing off abruptly in his brain. "What about you?" he finally asked.

Suddenly uncomfortable under his senior's watchful gaze, Kaoru fidgeted with his cigarette, nearly singing his fingers. "Me?"

"You're obviously attracted."

"Well," he thought to lie, but figured it would do no good against the Shadow King. "Yeah, but..." His rust-colored bangs conveniently drooped down to shadow his eyes. "Hikaru..."

"So you're going to sacrifice your feelings for Hikaru's?" His gaze fell once again upon his notebook. "How brave."

"You think so?"

"Of course." The Shadow King glanced up, eyes masked, unreadable grin in full effect. "It takes a great deal of bravery to spend the Spring of your life alone."

"Spring?" Kaoru swallowed hard. "Alone?"

"Right," Kyouya cleared his throat. "Now shouldn't you be getting back to work?" he used his pen to point to a nearby dumpster where several fangirls peeked out at them from behind.

"I thought this was a birthday party," Kaoru mumbled as he rose to his feet, crushing the cigarette against the bench's iron arms before tossing it into the trash where it narrowly missed a fangirl. With an aloof grin, he made his way toward the dumpster, but Kyouya could still make out the strains of abandonment and a new emotion-fear- in the younger boy's eyes. The pen came to an eventual halt over the paper and the gears clicked steadily once more.

Why had he done that? He'd just potentially pitted two loving twins against one another. But it was coming soon enough. He'd only sped up an inevitable process. At least that's what he told himself. He certainly hadn't done it to add another suitor for Haruhi's heart therefore further decreasing a certain blonde's chances of ever courting the commoner. Certainly not! But then that idiot always did have a knack for getting exactly what he wanted...

* * *

"WOOOOOOOOOO!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"GYAHAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Calm down, Haruhi!" Hikaru snickered as they soared downward from another monstrously high drop. "You sound like Tono!"

"I _am_ calm!" a frazzled and obviously less than calm Haruhi- now wearing dark, boy capris and a cerulean blue tee- screeched, her fingernails biting into the black handle of the "death buggy".

"So this is how to freak you out," he teased, leaning into her. "Do you want to hold hands?"

"No!" she scowled. "And I am not freaking OUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuUUuuuu-" she began as the red and black car looped crazily once again about the "spiral of death", shooting up and then delving downward into a pitch black cave.

"-OoooOOOOuuut." Her eye twitched a bit when the ride finally came to a complete stop. How anyone could see this ordeal as fun was beyond her.

"Yeah!" Hikaru threw a fist into the air. "Let's go again!"

"YEAH!" A swarm of nearby fangirls declared as they departed their own cars.

"Hell no." Haruhi muttered, sweeping disarrayed tresses from her eyes.

"Okay, fine." He grinned his cat-like grin and produced a can of Bud Light from seemingly nowhere. "What if we get drunk first?"

"I don't think so." She deadpanned. "And where did you get that from anyway?"

"Haven't you seen, Haruhi?" piped up the curly haired brunette that often texted behind her in class. She motioned to the blue water coolers placed all over the park. "They're everywhere!"

Haruhi stared at the random students dangling from roller coaster tracks and the theme park animals stumbling about and uttering obscenities. The monkey passed by and pinched her ass. Suddenly it all made sense.

"Isn't this a little dangerous?"

"Probably." Hikaru shrugged.

She gulped, remembering the Shadow King's words. What better way to test your facility than to send a mass of drunken teenagers running amuck as test dummies? She sighed. But who would be stupid enough to drink themselves into a stupor around these kinds of mechanics?

"AND I WAS LIKE! BABY! BABY! BABY! OOOOH-WHOA!"

Goddammit. She had to stop segueing him like this.

"Let's find something else to do." She quickly turned about, Hikaru quick on her heels, but per usual, it was too late. One, long, slender arm branched out to block her path.

"SAID YOU'D ALWAYS BE AROOOU- OOOUuuUUUNddd!"

"EEEEE!" The squealing came.

"You have such a beautiful voice, Tamaki-sama!" fawned a group of passing second years.

Hikaru snorted.

"All the more easy for me to sing out your name as we join in love's embrace!" the Host King purred, attempting to deposit two cans of Bud Light into a nearby trash bin and missing by inches.

A girl with a short pixie cut raised her hand with a smirk. "Can we join in love's embrace behind the carousel, Tamaki-sama?"

"But of course we can!"

"No!" Another protested. "Tamaki-sama said he would join in love's embrace with me!"

"ME!

"No, it was me!"

"Relax, girls!" Tamaki called out. "There's enough of my embrace to go around!" He quickly turned his inescapable attentions back to his fellow hosts. "What about you, Haruhi?" Wink. "Won't you join me?"

She'd sooner leap from the Death Train. "No, tha-"

"Haruhi's with me." Hikaru stepped forward, arms crossed, eyes narrowed. "And isn't it a little weird for fathers and daughters to be joining in "love's embrace"?" He used his fingers to quote the last word.

"I don't want to hear that from you!" The blonde scolded, nearly tripping on a corner of the trash bin.

"You're drunk." Hikaru stated blankly. Haruhi gave an inward groan. If this ended with her comforting him as he spilled his guts into a toilet, sobbing his farewells to the world again, they were going to have to sit down and have a serious talk about rehab.

"I am NOT drunk!" he retorted just a bit too defensively. "I can hold my liquor just fine!"

Haruhi snorted.

"_What's that supposed to mean?_"

"Just stop drinking, senpai." She sighed. "Do you want it to end up like last time?"

"I'M NOT DRUNK!" he whined. "Haruhi listen to daddy-"

"Why would she listen to a virgin who can't drive?"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"Speaking of which, just how many girls did you promise yourself to tonight?"

"Today." Haruhi eyed her cereal box watch.

"I don't know." Tamaki shrugged impatiently. "A few dozen. Now Haruhi and I are going on the carousel!" He reached out for the commoner's hand only to be blocked.

"No way!" Hikaru seethed. "Haruhi doesn't want to go on a pussy ass ride like that! We're going on The Plunge!"

Haruhi gazed up to the point where a purple ball hovered over the entire park. It spun about wildly a few times before finally, without a signal, plunging to the ground, high pitched screaming the only sign of survivors. She froze.

"Haruhi doesn't want to go on something like that!" Tamaki barked. "Are you trying to kill my daughter?"

"Fine!" The ginger raged. "The Wrath or The Destroyer! Anything's better than-"

Their conversation dissolved into faraway growls as Haruhi crept further and further away from the fray. The Plunge and riding anything with a wasted Host King would be the end of her. And since when was Hikaru so possessive? You'd think he had some sort of secret feelings for her or something...

"FUCKING SHIT!"

She stopped cold in her steps at the high screeching voice. She glanced up to realize that she'd made it toward the rear of the park. A towering black and purple circus tent towered on her right and a row of personal restrooms a.k.a glorified port-o-potties were grouped on her left. Tamaki's carousel sat in the center of it all, gold and silver lavished horses unmoving and still. This section was fairly deserted save for a few couples making out. Is that why he wanted to bring her back here? She reconsidered the restraining order when suddenly, she heard it again.

"It's too fucking much!"

The voice fell familiar on her ears this time. Taking a deep breath, she walked toward the sound, hoping she wouldn't regret it later. Didn't she roll her eyes at people who walked unwittingly into the lion's den when watching scary movies? The Host Club was finally getting the best of her brain chemistry.

"It's not that bad." Another voice.

"YES, IT FUCKING WELL IS!"

She peeked under the tent.

"Mitsukuni..."

"There are too many calories in these cakes, Takashi!"

Mori sighed as his cousin/lover paced rapidly back and forth upon one of the many circus benches, eyes raging.

"That fucking bastard!" he seethed. "Is he TRYING to give me love handles for my birthday? Man boobs? Cankles?"

Another sigh. "I'm sure Kyouya didn't mean-"

"Bullshit!" The possessed hobbit cried, tears rimming the edges of his eyes. "He needs to get his fucking priorities straight! Maybe if he didn't spend all his time thinking about coke and that foreign slut! _Do they think I don't know?_"

"Mitsukuni..." "

"_How is it my goddamn fault if he decides he likes boobs_?"

"... she doesn't have boobs."

"DON'T FUCKING CORRECT ME!"

"Mitsukuni." Mori spoke calmly despite the dark rays emanating from his cousin. "You're drunk."

"Cake is a serious priority!" He turned his dark gaze on Mori. "Isn't it, Takashi?"

"Mitsu-"

"_Isn't it?_" he demanded.

"... Yeah." Mori breathed like the bitch he was.

"That's what I thought." The hobbit crossed his arms, glare still piercing. "Call in the boys."

"Mitsukuni!"

"You heard me." The hobbit hissed with more warning than any of his former ranting and stalked away, tossing the tent's velvet curtain aside as he made his exit. The tent stayed silent for a bit as Haruhi debated whether to run as quickly as she could in the opposite direction, therefore avoiding any future run ins with the evil hobbit OR to comfort the forlorn Mori and place herself in the center of their lover's spat. As usual, her crippling sense of justice won out in the end.

"M-Mori-senpai?" She poked out from behind the bleacher she'd been hiding behind.

"Haruhi?" Mori, who now sat upon one of the benches, form crouched over in emo-mode, looked up, the creases of his mouth deepening downward. "Were you here the entire time?"

"Er..." She debated telling the truth. She'd heard quite a bit, but it wasn't as if she'd understood much. From what she gathered, Hunny resented Kyouya for drinking carbonated beverages and screwing around with some foreigner (Renge, perhaps?) when he could have been providing him with less fattening cakes.

"I heard a pretty big chunk of it." Dammit. Whoever said honesty was a virtue?

"He didn't mean it." Mori sighed. "He doesn't ever mean it when he gets like this."

Haruhi supposed she didn't doubt that. He wasn't usually so crass. But she supposed she had to stop being so hard on the Host King. Better a dumbass, flirty drunk than an angry, diabolical one.

"Does Hunny-senpai really care that much about getting fat?" She frowned. "He never seems to gain weight to me..."

"That's because..." Mori trailed off and gazed into the distance, his eyes trained on the tight rope dangling over the center of the dimly lit tent. "Haruhi..." He turned to the commoner, catching her eyes dead on. She swallowed hard in return. This was probably the most she'd ever gotten out of him and now he was making direct eye contact? It was intimidating, but she held his gaze nonetheless.

"Yes?"

"I've known Mitsukuni ever since we were kids," he started. "We used to color together. Watch Saturday morning cartoons. Bathe together. Play doctor together."

Her understanding smile flinched a bit. She suddenly didn't like the direction this was taking.

"I've always looked out for Mitsukuni. As a Morinozuka, I'm sworn to protect him no matter what." He lowered his head, hands clasped together. "But lately, I feel like he won't let me."

She blinked, taking in the senior's crumbled appearance. What kind of giant let a hobbit have this kind of effect on him?

"Well," She started. "Maybe you haven't tried hard enough."

"Mm." Mori gave his signature grunt and she felt a bit more relaxed. "I've tried talking to him..."

"Have you ever gotten past 'Mitsukuni'?"

"... no."

"Well, you have to try, Mori-senpai." She frowned. "Quit being a little bitch."

His eyes widened. No one had ever dared to call the great Morinozuka a bitch before! No one, but his lover that is.

"You have to man up." She sighed.

"What if Mituskuni gets upset?"

"It doesn't matter," she explained. "Just keep going."

"What if he starts using the handcuffs again?"

"Er..."

"What if he never speaks to me?" he breathed softly.

"Mori-senpai..." She smiled her endearing commoner smile. "I think you have just as big an impact on Hunny-senpai as he has on you. He'll speak to you again."

He turned to her, the slightest curves of a warm grin playing at the edges of his lips.

She gasped inwardly. So this is what it was like to see Mori-senpai attempt another facial expression.

"Haruhi..." he finally smiled completely. "You know if you weren't a girl-"

"Morinozuka-san!" A hurried voice boomed as someone rushed into the tent before things could get any more painful and awkward than the direction they were currently hurtling in. "Come quick!"

"Huh?" Haruhi blinked, secretly glad that someone had saved her from the latter part of that conversation.

A member of Kyouya's secret police stepped into view, a very pinched brow showing beneath his dark sunglasses. "It's Master Haninozuka!"

* * *

"WoOoOOOOoooooOOoo!" A life sized pink bunny waved its arms. "I am so fucking high right now!" It fell back into the tub of the glorified port-o-potty and passed the blunt to the bathroom attendant, a blank eyed twenty something with a raven black scene haircut and a rusted lip ring.

"Are you supposed to be wearing that on the job?" The monkey snatched the blunt when she gave him the finger and lifted its mascot head off slightly to take a drag before releasing the smoke in tiny ringlets. "This is some good shit." He turned to the blonde leaning against one of the two black marble sinks. "Where'd you get this from, kid?"

"Commoners, of course!" The Host King giggled for no apparent reason other than inebriation before taking the blunt himself. "Poor people are masters at fine-tuning the art of marijuana farming! Because their ancestors worked so diligently out in the fields, they have years of hard labor under their belts!"

All three of the Ootori workers- who were all indeed "poor people"- simply stared at him blankly.

"I got a good mind to kick this kid's ass." The bunny grumbled.

"Awwww." The attendant cooed as she slipped her arms around Tamaki. "Don't be so hard on him. He's just drunk."

"I am not," Tamaki protested, laughter bubbling just below his tone.

"You're about to fall off the sink," The bunny snatched the blunt. "You can't have this anymore!"

"BUT IT'S MI-"

"Shhh..." The attendant pressed the blonde against the grey-tiled walls, eyes sultry. "Don't pay him any mind, er..." She bit at her bottom lip coyly. "What was your name again?"

"Rene," he answered thoughtlessly, a smirk forming on his lips, eyelids growing heavy. "Mon dieu... Je suis tellement ivre en ce moment! Je me demande comment va ma fille. Penses-tu qu'elle ait été kidnappée par des ninjas?"

"You speak French?" The attendant gaped in delighted surprise, her fingers digging deeper into the material of his royal blue tee.

He leaned in to whisper in her ear, lips brushing lightly against pale skin. "Do you like it, ma chérie?"

"_Do_ I?" She breathed, heartbeat quickening. "What else can you do with that mouth of yours?"

He grinned, tilting her gaze upward to meet his own. "Why don't you kiss me and find out?"

The tortured groans of her coworkers were suddenly joined by the jarring whine of hinges creaking. They turned to see a considerably unhappy face in the doorway.

"Eh..." The blunt fell from the monkey's mouth. "We were just getting back to work, Ootori, sir!"

"Just getting back to work!" The bunny laughed nervously.

"Don't mind us!"

"Just taking a break."

Kyouya gave his best Shadow King glare as the two danced around him and charged out into park again to mingle among the sloppily drunk and rich. He averted his gaze to the couple poised against the rear wall. The attendant pulled back immediately.

"I, er..." she stammered. "We were just-"

"He's 17."

"Eh... What?" She turned on the blonde in faux anger. "You told me you were 18!"

Tamaki blinked in genuine confusion. "You never asked!"

"He's lying!"

"Right." Kyouya stated icily. "By the way, you're fired."

"WHAT?" she roared. "You spoiled little brat!"

"Pedophile."

"FUCK YOU!" She stormed out, slamming the door behind her. Disappointment clouded the Host King's features.

"You didn't have to fire her."

Kyouya let out a deep breath, determined to keep his nerves at bay. "Your fan club is looking for you."

"I know." Tamaki's back still leaned against the tiled wall, his arms crossed over his chest. This wasn't news! His fan club was always looking for him! It was up to him to give them space so as not to overwhelm them with his magnificence. Also, he needed a hit.

"I didn't know you were interested in older women," Kyouya let the snipe escape from his throat regardless of the sane little voice in the back of his head. But the fact that it had become the smaller voice was testament to his not having much sanity left as of late.

"Oooh," Tamaki pushed himself from the wall and started in his best friend's direction, eyes dancing with drunken glee and something else. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were jealous."

The Shadow King stared at him for a few seconds before finally coming to the usual conclusion. "You're drunk."

Tamaki started to give the usual response in return, but decided that there wasn't much of a point anymore. "_So?_" He sauntered around the darker haired teen and hugged him from behind, cheek resting upon his shoulder.

Kyouya nearly flinched at the warm breath on his neck. "And you've been smoking," he noted at the spicy scent.

Tamaki laughed: bright, playful, teasing. That god-awful teasing. "And?" His lips brushed against the contour of the other boy's neck. "What are you going to do about it?"

Kyouya blinked, turning his head slightly to make eye contact. "You're flirting with me."

"Am not." He pouted, slender fingers creeping languidly along the Shadow King's collarbone.

"Yes." He grasped the hand a bit too roughly and tossed it from his person. "You are."

Tamaki winced in pain before giving one of those famous come hither smirks the girls loved him for, violet eyes dangerous. "Okay, maybe I am."

"You have some nerve." Kyouya growled, struggling to calm the building stir of anger and excitement growing in his gut. Tamaki was a complete moron after all and he was wasted to top it off. Not that he hadn't taken advantage of both of those facts on numerous occasions, but what with the blonde's new vow of abstinence, he'd be cutting it a little close. Tamaki might start giving him the silent treatment once he was sober again and that wouldn't bold well for the club's future or boost the savings for that shiny new diary. Best to take the high road. For once.

"Let go." He pulled away and the pouting began.

"But _whyyyyy_?"

"Because you said you were abstaining."

"I'll do that tomorrow!" Lengthy arms attempted to close around his waist once again, but he spun around before they could catch him. Taking the blonde by both wrists, he forced him back against a wall, barely missing an automatic hand dryer. The boy erupted into a fit of drunken giggles.

"Get a fucking hold of yourself!"

"I love it when you talk dirty!"

"Tamaki," he warned.

"Kyouya." His name came out in a half whisper, half moan sending tremors through his already shaky resolve.

"You're doing this because you're drunk and horny." He leaned into him, despite what little common sense he had left, lips tracing an invisible line to the blonde's ear. "But tomorrow when you remember-"

"I don't remember five minutes ago!" the blonde whined impatiently.

_Shit_, Kyouya cursed to himself. He had a point. Two imaginary figures appeared on either side of him.

_He's your best friend!_ A mini Kyouya in a white robe cried from his right shoulder._ How could you even think of it?_

_Screw that idiot's brains out!_ A red spandex Kyouya argued from the left. _He won't remember shit!_

_He was there for you when no one else was!_

_He dumped you for a virgin with flat boobs!_

_That's a cheap shot!_

_Give in to the dark side!_ The devil raised his staff. _We have more money!_

_You do?_ The angel's eyes narrowed_. How much are we talking here?_

"Will the both of you fuck off?" Kyouya scowled. "I'm trying to make a decision!"

_Fine._ The devil disappeared.

_Faggot_. The angel vanished.

"Kyouya-senpai?" He turned to see Kaoru stepping into the doorway just in time to let Tamaki drop with abandon onto the bathroom floor. The idiot let out an 'oof' followed by the expected giggle. The red head entered further into the bathroom, followed by his brother. "Were you talking to someone else?"

"No one else," he smiled enigmatically. He wasn't at all experiencing shoulder hallucinations spurned on by prolonged drug use or anything like that.

"So Tono finally collapsed." Hikaru nudged the spaced out Host King with his foot. "I'm glad someone was keeping an eye on him."

"Yeah, one of those batshit insane bitches were bound to take advantage of him at some point."

Kyouya simply cleared his throat. "So how's the party going?"

"Well, that's why we were looking for you guys," Hikaru frowned.

"Hunny-senpai's in trouble."

* * *

So how was it? I need feedback here! Make sure to review with your thoughts- good or bad! Next chapter, I'll continue on with the end of this arc and then it's on to mocking Episode 8! Thanks for all your reviews while I was AWOL! I really appreciate it! You know I run on those things...

Kudos to anyone who knows where the** title quote** comes from.

Also, I was going to be evil and make you all use Babelfish or whatever, but if you're wondering what Tamaki's French translates to: **"My God... I'm so drunk right now! I wonder how my daughter is doing. Do you think she has been kidnapped by ninjas?"**


	15. Fat Hobbit

**Author's Note:** Would it help if I said I was sorry or would you just hate me more? If anyone still reads this thing, I'm sorry you guys! You know, I have been up to a lot! **I graduated** **COLLEGE!** ON TIME! With **a Journalism major and I STILL can't spell**... I didn't know I couldn't spell until I started actually putting my work through Spell Check recently. How embarrassing... ANYWAY, this has been a very busy year for me between college, personal issues, and job searching so... please go easy on me. It's not as if I didn't TRY to write the chapter. Speaking of which, that brings me to the SECOND part of my rant.

I thought this chapter would be the **end of me**. It's a simple premise really, but it was SO hard to write. Maybe because it's a filler chapter. I wrote this chapter once. It **sucked horribly** so I deleted that and started writing it again. That sucked 4 pages in so I started it again. That also sucked so I started again. About 50 pages later... I wrote this and it also sucks, but I'm **tired of rewriting this damned chapter** so it's going to have to suffice... I hate being a perfectionist...

Anyway, I got more criticism than usual in my last batch of reviews so I tried to take most of it into consideration. I realize that I have been writing a lot of filler, but I suppose the reason for that is that... **Ouran IS filler** for the most part. It's filler with specks of character development until you get to the end and they throw an opera house at you. But you're right. That doesn't work for a more dramatic story, does it? So I plan to deviate from the original a bit more than I had planned before. And add more serious tones. I understand the humor gets a bit tiresome. I'm also working on my description and characters **BESIDES Kyouya**. But it's so hard because** it's so much fun!**

I've also been asked by a few to lower the cussing level. But I don't know about that. I really enjoy naughty language... So we'll see! Thanks everyone for your reviews and don't be afraid to critique me and tell me what you didn't like and why. But don't be afraid to tell me what you **like** either so I can keep doing it!

Oh and can you believe they won't let me put a question mark and an exclamation mark together anymore? **I was CRUSHED**. But enough of my rambling... Here goes...

* * *

It wasn't common that Haruhi could say anything ever truly frightened her. Such rare occurrences held a special place in her heart. That fateful phone call in the middle of the night. The heavy atmosphere of the hospital bedside. The refrigerator…

Completely empty.

But the sight of her eldest senpai hanging miles above her, his legs dangling over the edge of the iron gate surrounding the park, spurred an irrepressible throbbing at the back of her throat. Before she could call to him, Mori rushed forward, his usually calm features stricken with panic. "Mitsukuni!"

Haruhi waited for the rest and frowned agitatedly when she realized that was all he had to say. Once a bitch…

"Takashi!" the hobbit wailed, the frustration in its honey-colored eyes obvious even from ground level. "Those bastards won't come! They said it was too early!"

_Imagine that,_ she thought wryly, her sarcasm peaking through even the direst of situations. Whoever "those bastards" were, she couldn't say she blamed them.

"Mitsukuni," the senior glanced down in uncertainty before finally declaring, "It's 3 AM."

"I don't give a fuck what time it is!" Hunny shot back, causing the other boy to shrink, regardless of the distance between them. "Don't they understand my situation? _Look_ at my ass, Takashi!"

They gasped in alarm as he shifted from his place on the hundred-foot bridge and turned onto his back.

"My hips are getting wider by the second!"

Haruhi furrowed her eyebrows. Obesity? Is that what this was all about?

"But Hunny-senpai!" she called to him. "You never gain weight!"

Silencing, his head shifted slowly downward to give her a contemptuous stare. "Haruhi."

She blanched.

"Are you retarded?"

"Mitsukuni!" Mori scolded with surprising reproach. Haruhi might have taken time to feel honored had the hobbit not suddenly leaned out over the edge, toes inching lower, swiping the air beneath him.

"Hunny-senpai!"

"I wouldn't expect a fatass like you to understand!" he cried, eyes teary. "You can't even go five minutes without thinking about a tuna roll!"

"HUH?" she gasped. That wasn't true! There were scores of other foods besides tuna rolls to think about!

"I can't even get a proper fucking cake because of you and you're too busy stuffing your stupid face to realize!"

"EH?"

"Mitsukuni!" Mori called for the umpteenth time. "You're not thinking straight!"

"I'm thinking fine, Takashi," the hobbit said with resolution, his eyes drooping toward the ground. "I know what I have to do…" A brown sandal slipped from his foot and disappeared behind the maintenance gate below.

"Mitsukuni!"

"Hunny-senpai!"

"Don't jump!" his club mates demanded in a unison the twins might have envied. They watched in horror as he lifted his rear from the metal, slid dangerously down toward the plummet and then… pulled himself back up again. He repeated the motion.

"Jump?" he grunted, pulling himself up again. "Why would I do a stupid thing like that?"

They both let out dual sighs of relief.

"Dumbasses."

"But Hunny-senpai," Haruhi frowned, reaching back to massage at her neck. She was already short enough without having to match angles like this. "Why did you have to work out up there? You could have found somewhere around the park-"

"And have to deal with a bunch of oversexed pedos all night?" he snarled.

Mori lowered his head in shame.

"I didn't mean you, Takashi," the hobbit consoled him. "You can sex me anytime."

Ignoring their unusually disturbing flirtation, Haruhi dared to press the issue.

"But it's not safe up there!"

The hobbit laughed mockingly. "What?" He dipped downward. "Do you think I'd be stupid enough to let myself Fa-AAAAAAAAAH-"

They stared aghast as the tiny blob of pink and yellow cascaded from the gate, arms flailing, tears gushing. Their breath halted as they rushed forward, ignoring the 'Unauthorized' sign and tearing through metallic double doors. They entered into a cluttered lot, an array of sewage colored dumpsters, black plastic garbage bags and towering warehouses cramping the scene. Their nostrils stung with the stench of rotted food. Unlike the glamorous, modern amusement park, its inner workings were a disarrayed, unimpressive mess.

"Mitsukuni!" Mori darted about the lot, head peeking into a few dumpsters, his calm demeanor completely evaporated.

Unsettled by the image, Haruhi moved forward, nearly tripping over the mountains of garbage bags. "Hunny-senpai!" The mess was too big, too scattered. "He could be anywhere…"

"Not to worry, Haruhi," a smooth voice volunteered from behind, the calm tone contrasting sharply with the atmosphere.

"Kyouya-senpai?" She turned to see the Shadow King standing next to a particularly sludgy dumpster, arms crossed, spectacles eerie.

Hikaru and Kaoru stood to his right, noses crinkled in disgust. Tamaki looked to have been slung over his shoulder like a ragdoll.

"Hunny-senpai didn't hit the concrete." He spared her a cordial grin and she let out the deep breath she hadn't even been aware of holding.

"He fell through that roof." Kyouya motioned toward a multi-storied warehouse to their right.

"_Huh?_" She whipped around. _How was that any better?_

"Kyouya," Mori quickly approached their group, eyes still frock with an uncharacteristic amount of emotion. "What's inside?"

"This is an experimental area," the shorter boy replied, his middle finger gliding up to find his glasses. "These warehouses hold two attractions currently in the works. In a few years time, we may open them to the general public. As it is, they need some refining." His gaze wandered to the splintered boards sticking up from the rooftop of the warehouse to their right. "And perhaps reconstruction as well."

"Attractions, eh?" Hikaru grinned.

"Sounds like fun!" he and Kaoru chanted, mischievous orbs darting from one building to the other.

Haruhi groaned in irritation. "How can you three be so calm? Hunny-senpai could be hurt."

"Mm." Mori grunted in bitch-like assent.

"It wouldn't be a complete waste, Haruhi," Kyouya spoke thoughtfully, the slightest ghost of a smirk playing on his lips. "We haven't completed testing on the facilities after all. This is a perfect opportunity."

Haruhi stared mortified at her schoolmates. It was moments like this when she wondered if they possessed the capacity to feel. Did being born into riches give one the compassion of a paper bag? But then Tamaki wouldn't stand for this type of behavior. Surely, he would have some reprimanding words for them all.

"K-Kyouya…" The blonde's rose red features emerged from the Shadow King's shoulder. "You…" he stammered. "You smell like Haagen Dazs…"

Never mind.

Ignoring the senseless ramblings of his best friend, Kyouya went on to introduce the two buildings.

"These are 'Terror Manor'- a two-seater thrill ride and 'Funny Bunny'- a tame attraction for children."

Haruhi bit her bottom lip. "Which one did Hunny-senpai fall into?"

"The former."

_Figures…_

"Come on, Haruhi!" Her legs were hoisted from the ground as twin grips seized her by the arms and dragged her toward the warehouse. Mori, for once, led the crew. Kyouya followed not far behind the four, Tamaki muttering something about strawberry sundaes into his ear.

The foyer of the warehouse was unspectacular and barren. Dim electrical light fixtures hung from the heavily wired ceilings. The scent of singed plastic clung thickly to the air. A low thumping arose from the entrance and they turned to see Tamaki plopping unceremoniously upon the cemented floor. With a short sigh of relief, Kyouya started forward, his voice carrying easily in the wide, spacious room.

"This is it." He approached a track toward the rear wall, five black cars attached to the metal. The remainder of the track vanished under a thick, velvet curtain. "I have a personal control for you here." He waved a small, silver remote with a screen at them. "And this is the mainframe." His other hand rested against a large, metal platform that had been built into the wall. He pressed a red, square button and flipped a side switch. A low rumbling began and the cars gave a jolt.

"Eh, senpai?" Haruhi gulped. "Are you sure you want to ride this? You said it hadn't been tested." Maybe her judgment was off, but Kyouya didn't seem like the type to place himself in an insecure situation. The keyword being "himself".

"Not on humans," he grinned. "Our engineers have tested successfully with dummies and besides," He scribbled something into his diary. ", who said I was joining you?"

"_Wha_?" she blared as the twins promptly chauffeured her toward the cars, arms and legs flailing. Mori had already claimed the front buggy.

"You can't just put us on here alone! Isn't there a maintenance route we can use to find Hunny-senpai?" She pointed to a door across the way reading 'Maintenance Stairs'. The Shadow King simply shrugged in response.

"Must have slipped my mind." The mysterious light reflection momentarily slipped and she caught his eyes. There was nothing merciful in that gaze. She turned to the twins instead.

"I think he's trying to kill us," she mumbled out of the grim reaper's earshot.

"Don't be stupid, Haru," Hikaru grinned as he attempted to strap her into the second car.

"Kyouya-senpai just wants to use us as test dummies."

She grimaced at the obvious double entendre. "Same thing."

"Come on." Hikaru pressed as he fell down beside her into the buggy, pulling his brother in with him. "Sit with us."

"Uh…" Kaoru surveyed the lack of space. "Hikaru…"

"The capacity is only two per car," Kyouya frowned before tapping a pen thoughtfully at his chin. "Though we haven't finished weight testing yet…"

"Are you crazy?" Haruhi growled, struggling as both boys tugged at her arms and waist. "We can't all fit!"

"Hey," Hikaru wrestled her back first against his brother's torso, straddling her at the abdomen. "Don't be such a baby, Haruhi."

"We can't even pull the bar down," she stated blankly, unfazed by their compromising position.

"So what?" the older twin smirked against her ear. "That'll make it interesting. Right Kaoru?"

"Haruhi's right, Hikaru."

For once, the eldest 'little devil' of the Host Club seemed stunned. He raised his lips from Haruhi's ear, eyes wide, to stare at his brother. "What did you just say?"

"She's right." The younger twin shrugged, gazing away from the two, auburn bangs drooping over his eyes. "We shouldn't all sit here."

"_And why the hell not?"_

"It's alright, Haruhi," Kaoru gave her shaky grin and stood to his feet. "I'll sit behind you."

"Hm?" she frowned. "Kaoru?" Had she said something more blunt and hurtful than her usual frigidity? She watched as the boy crawled into the car behind them. Hikaru fumed.

"What the hell is _your_ problem?" He reached back to take his brother roughly by the wrist. "Come back here!"

"Haruhi."

She looked up from her place in the crossfire to see Mori staring down at her with solemn eyes. She swallowed hard. It was rare to receive this much attention from the 'Wild Type'. Not unless you were Hunny-senpai anyway.

"Come here," he offered his hand. "Sit with me."

The waiting hand was her glowing beacon in the darkness. Without a moment's hesitation, she moved forward from the chaotic frenzy that was the twins' argument to the steady silence that was Mori.

"HEY!" Hikaru blared.

"I timed the ride to start in two minutes," Kyouya told them from the main board. "Make sure that you're properly strapped in and I'll give you the control."

"Haruhi, you said you were sitting with us!"

"I never said that."

"But-"

The conflict went on and unbeknownst to them, just across the room, these words were finally beginning to settle in and register with another. A chorus of grunts and groans evaporated from the area and they all glanced over to find the source.

"Oh." Hikaru grimaced, the irritation already set in his features only twisting further. "Hey Tono."

"Wh-what's this?" the blonde stumbled forward, movements clumsy. "About sitting with Haruhi?"

"Haruhi was supposed to be sitting with us," Hikaru growled. "We had her cornered until _someone_ moved." He glared in his brother's direction and Kaoru responded by eying the sew of his jeans intently.

"Hm?" Tamaki eyed the contraption, brow raised. Then the track. Then Haruhi. The regimented row of cars. The velvet curtain. Haruhi. The control system. Haruhi. Haruhi.

It looked like fun!

"Mori-senpai!" He rushed to the first car, nearly tumbling into their laps. "Move over! I'm sitting by Haruhi!"

"I'm not sitting with you, senpai!" Haruhi declared.

"Mm," Mori nodded.

"She's sitting with US!" Hikaru grumbled.

"Hikaru," Kaoru frowned.

"Tamaki," Kyouya warned. "Those cars are going to take off in less than a minute. You'll lose a le-"

"WHAT?" the Host King gasped. "Why didn't you say so?" Yanking his best friend by the arm, he dove into the car just behind Kaoru. Almost immediately after landing came the creak of gears shifting and a powerful rumbling. The cars shot through the curtains and into the darkness. The rhythmic cranking of mechanics moving uphill began.

"Whew…" Tamaki sighed. "That was so close! We almost didn't make it!" he gushed into Kyouya's ear. "Now we can keep an eye on our daughter!"

He started to wave at a decidedly grumpy Haruhi when a firm grip took him roughly by the collar.

"You idiot," Kyouya's eyes shone murderous in the blackness.

Tamaki meeped.

"I'll-" He caught himself. No. He couldn't kill him. The Host Club would lose revenue and making a public homicide wouldn't go over well with his father. Deep breathing. To the count of five like his therapists had said. All twelve of them.

"It's fine," he spoke in a strained tone, releasing his hold on Tamaki. "I still have the control." He reached into the left pocket of his jeans. The right. He tried his jacket pocket.

"Control?" Tamaki frowned. "You mean that silver thing?"

"Yeah." Kyouya tensed. "Why?"

"Oh," the blonde giggled, still floundering in the throws of inebriation. "I thought it was a Gameboy…"

"_And?"_

"Well, it wasn't working," Tamaki frowned. "So I threw it over the edge."

The skin under Kyouya's left eye twitched. "You threw it over the edge."

"Well, normally, I would have given it to Haruhi." He lowered his tone to a whisper. "You know how commoners love hand-me-downs, but it probably would have fallen out anyway so… Kyouya?"

The darker haired boy's features had fixed themselves into a permanent scowl.

"I'm sorry," he squeaked, inching to the other end of the car.

Silence.

"I'll buy you a new Gameboy…"

"I don't want a fucking Gameboy, you idiot!" Kyouya spat. "That was our only control device and there's no one at the main board!"

"Okay…" Tamaki blinked, crossing his arms. "But if you knew that, then why did you get on the ride?"

Kyouya lunged at him, the Host Club's revenue and his asshole of a father forgotten, and Tamaki scrambled into the next car down for dear life.

"Hikaru!" he clung to both twins from the meeting point of their two cars. "Kaoru! Save me!"

"Watch it, Tono" Hikaru groaned, pulling the Host King into the seat beside him and yanking the bar down just as they whirled around a dark corner. "Do you _want to_ fall out?"

"It's not that bad, is it?" Kaoru turned around to face Kyouya. "Maitenance'll probably come through to check-"

"If the mechanics don't malfunction first," he sighed. "The endurance hasn't been tested. It could become unstable."

"And you were about to put us on here alone?" Hikaru turned accusing eyes on him.

"I think you were right, Haruhi," Kaoru called to the commoner in the first car who simply shook her head. She'd told them so.

"He _is _trying to kill us," the twins concluded together.

"Go fuck yourselves," Kyouya grumbled in response, his control crumbling by the second. There was one last resort. "There's an emergency brake in the first car. If we can pull it before the cars reach the summit, we can make it off safely."

Mori grunted from the front and he and the commoner began searching hastily for the brake. Hikaru and Tamaki looked on with envious eyes. Kaoru gave a soft sigh. Kyouya sniffed suspiciously at something on his index finger. Finally, Haruhi found the switch.

"Is it this black thing with a ball at the end?"

"Yeah," Kyouya rubbed his nose. "Just pull it up."

"Haruhi." Mori gestured for her to move aside, determined to make himself useful for once. Taking the bar in hand, he yanked sharply. Too sharply. They stared in horror as the brake came off in his hand.

Kyouya froze, glasses glazing over. Tamaki and the twins blanched. Mori hung his head in deep shame.

"Mori-senpai…" Haruhi started, eying the assaulted brake in disbelief.

"Mm." Mori's head lowered further.

"I didn't know you were so strong," she gave her trademark seldom, but adorable giggle.

"_WHAT?"_ Tamaki and Hikaru blared from the next seat down.

"What the hell, Haruhi?" Hikaru roared, fighting to loosen the bar. "He broke the ride! Who cares how fucking strong he is?"

"Haruhi!" Tamaki sobbed, trying to squeeze under it. "You never say that to daddy!"

"Shut up!" she scolded them both. "And sit down! We've been headed up for a while!" She frowned, anxiety squeezing at her chest. "Who knows when its going to dr- AAAAAAAAAA-"

"AAAAAHHHHHHHH!" everyone but Kyouya and Mori joined in as the coaster plunged downward, the sounds of moaning ghosts and cackling witches filling the air. Scenes of mechanical decaying zombies with lopsided grins and transparent, white-tinted apparitions closed in on them from either side. Haruhi gulped. Her father seldom made enough money to take her to any amusement parks. How did they create something like this? A mechanical witch on a broom whisked past her head and she flinched accordingly.

"Haruhi." A strong hand came down on her shoulder and she glanced up to see Mori smiling down on her. "It's alright."

A small blush colored her cheeks.

"Godammit," Hikaru muttered, ignoring the wall of bloodsucking spiders on his left in exchange for the scene playing just before him. He leaned his elbow onto the side of the car. "Tono, do you see this?" he groaned and sighed impatiently when he received no answer. "Ton-"

"I can't!" Tamaki sat hunched in a ball, eyes covered. "I can't look! It's too scary!"

Hikaru simmered before seizing the Host King by the arms. "Don't be a pussy about it!" he tugged relentlessly. "Don't you understand?" He lowered his voice. "Mori-senpai is up there hitting on Haruhi!"

"Huh?" Tamaki removed his hands from his eyes so quickly that he might have smacked Hikaru upside the head. "Hey!" he popped his head into the front row, completely ignoring the vampire bats fluttering overhead. "WHAT'S GOING ON UP HERE?"

"Not that it's any of your damn business, senpai…"

He winced.

"But Mori-senpai was just trying to help."

"_Help?"_ he cried. "What do you need his help for? Daddy can protect you just fi_-_IIEEEEEE!" he cried as a mummy sprang out from catacomb walls, its rotted mouth hanging open.

"What were you saying?" Haruhi asked blankly.

"Haruhi!"

"You know what?" Hikaru whispered, snatching the blonde backwards by his hair. "She's right. You're making us look bad!"

"At least I'm trying!" he whined angrily. "And what do you mean 'us'? She's _my_ daughter!"

Hikaru rolled his eyes. "Don't tell me you actually believe that bullshit." He lowered his voice further as he leaned in accusingly. "You want in Haruhi's pants just as badly as me and Kaoru do."

The blood drained from Tamaki's features, his expression stricken with terror as he bellowed at the top of his lungs, "YOU AND KAORU WANT IN HARUHI'S PANTS?"

"What the hell?" Kaoru paled from the car behind them.

"Mm?" Mori turned disapproving eyes on the pair.

Haruhi just glared at the two red-faced boys behind her, her fuse burning brighter by the moment. "Hikaru. Senpai," she growled. "Will you keep your perverted thoughts to yourself?"

Hikaru gritted his teeth, eyes burning into the flustered blonde. "What the fuck is it with you?" he seethed.

"I knew it!" Tamaki growled, biting at his thumbnails. "Always trying to get her alone… Dressing her up in crazy outfits…"

"You do that to-" Hikaru began before deciding it was useless. Instead, he turned on the Host King with a new gleam in his eyes. "So did Kyouya tell you, Tono? This ride is built on a burial ground?"

Tamaki swallowed hard, eyes wide. "No way!"

"Yeah…" Hikaru went on. "They thought it would be a good site for the ride. And what's more," he sneered. "They decided to take a bunch of the deceased's' bones and incorporate them into the attraction…"

"Wh…" Tamaki stammered, clinging onto the bar for dear sanity. "What did they make with them?"

"Well," Hikaru gestured downward, cat-like grin in full swing. "You're sitting on it…"

Kaoru leaned back, arms crossed, and let out a deep sigh as Tamaki's tortured screams blended into the chaos of wailing ghosts, phantom organ chords and whispering winds. He could have really used a cigarette right about then.

As if on cue, an open pack appeared at his right.

"Kyouya-senpai?" He hesitantly reached over to take one. "Are you sure it's okay to smoke on here?"

"There are no loops. And besides," he massaged at his nostrils as he offered a lighter. "We're all going to die on this fucking ride anyway."

"Ah…" Kaoru gulped and leaned forward to light the cigarette perched between his lips. "It just doesn't seem like you."

Kyouya fell back into his own car when the stick was lit and took a long drag of his own. His eyes lingered on the girl in the front car. "Have you given up already?"

"Hm?" Kaoru blinked before following his gaze to Haruhi. "N-" he began. "Well, it's just… Hikaru…" He sighed miserably. "I don't know…"

"You can't both have her."

"I know." His gaze trailed to the second car, the faintest hint of a bitter smile on his lips. "But try telling him that."

"And then," Hikaru went on, features completely twisted in malice by now. "The witches made a vow to curse this track forever so that anyone whom may ride on it-"

"Hikaru, will you cut it out?"

"Haruhi!" Tamaki sobbed, glad for a savior.

"He was drinking," she explained. "If he gets too scared, he might get sick and start throwing up everywhere and I'm not babysitting him this time."

Whimpering.

Hikaru snickered, but promptly cut the act. She had a point.

Haruhi simply turned back around, head aching. Was it just her or did they all become progressively ridiculous by the day? And how were they supposed to find Hunny-senpai if they couldn't stop the ride? She glanced up to see Mori scanning the area intently, eyes roving the eerie sets like a trained bulldog.

"Mitsukuni," he finally uttered. "What was the last thing I said to him?"

"Probably 'Mitsukuni'."

"Mm," he nodded. His personal favorite.

She smiled reassuringly, but something began to stir in her mind. "What did Hunny-senpai mean when said he wasn't getting the right cakes because of me?" she frowned. "Did I do something wrong?" She usually didn't eat pastries… But she supposed she had eaten a lot of that strawberry cake at the last hosting event… and then there was that time with the lemon merengue…

"Don't mind him," Mori shook his head. "Mitsukuni doesn't mean anything he says when he gets like this…" His brow creased deeply with worry and he didn't have the pretty boy hair the rest of them flaunted to cover it up. "I hope he's okay."

"Mori-senpai," she smiled, squeezing lightly at one of his large hands. "I'm sure he's fine."

Blinking, he looked down on her, leaving watch-post mode for a few seconds. "Haruhi," he smiled. "If you were a boy-"

Before her stomach could flip-flop in discomfort, a panicked voice called from behind.

"Kyouya-senpai!" Kaoru gasped. "I think I know where Hunny-senpai landed!"

They all gazed up ahead where mechanical vampires clawed at the path from a dark, stony castle, blood dripping from their lips, but that wasn't the point. The point was a heap of boards, brick and dust that had gathered upon the track. Faint moonlight shone in from the hole in the roof. It was ironically fitting to the scene.

Kyouya nodded, pupils dilated, nose reddened. He supposed he had nothing to lose anymore. "Kaoru," he muttered, forcing his way out from under the safety bar. "Move out of the way."

"Kyouya-senpai!" Kaoru cheered, hopefully. "I knew you'd have a plan!"

"A plan?" Kyouya frowned calmly. "No," His eyes centered dead on Tamaki. "I'm going to kill him."

"HUH?" they all chorused.

"No, senpai!" Hikaru and Kaoru held on to the Shadow King as he made his way across the row of seats.

"You can't kill him just yet!"

"What if we survive?"

"The rear cars are less likely to survive derailment," he went on, his tone growing more and more aggravated by the second. "If I have to die, I refuse to let this idiot survive!"

"HARUHI!" Tamaki squeezed out from under his own bar and somersaulted into the car between his daughter and Mori. "MORI-SENPAI! HELP ME!"

"Senpai!" Haruhi scolded. "We're all going to die if we don't think of something quick!"

"Mm?" Mori squinted at something in the darkness.

Before Kyouya's fingers could even touch a hair on the Host King's head, an explosion rocked the entire track. The high-pitched screeching of metal grinding against metal began, followed by another explosion. The screeching continued to a nearly unbearable height and suddenly whined to a stop. Haruhi, who'd had her eyes closed the entire time, opened them hesitantly and gasped. The mound of fallen wood and mortar still sat only meters away, but they weren't speeding toward it any longer.

"Senpai?" Her eyes wandered up to the blonde who had draped himself over her for a reason unknown, as it wouldn't have been much help in a crash. "We're not moving."

"Hm?" the blonde blinked, raising his head to stare at the track before them. "Haruhi!" he squeezed her far too harshly for her own liking, tears streaming down his cheeks. "We're alive! But how-"

"Mitsukuni!" Mori abandoned ship.

They all turned to see the hobbit smiling at them from beside a mechanical vampire, two guns resting comfortably in each hand.

"Hunny-senpai!" the twins gushed, jumping from the cars and rushing forward at the hobbit, eyes teary.

Kyouya gave the deepest, rumbling sigh she'd ever heard before deserting his former, more homicidal plans and exiting the smoking cars to step onto the vampire themed platform.

"EH?" she gave a stupefied shout, still staring at the guns. Her jaw dropped even lower when the hobbit began tossing the 45s up and down, spinning them around between his fingers. "Shouldn't he be more careful with those?" she grunted.

Soft, amused laughter echoed at her side. Deadpanning, she turned around.

"Still drunk?"

"I'm not drunk," he cleared his throat, his expression sobering from charmed to defensive. "I was just laughing at your reaction."

"He's juggling with loaded assault weapons," she frowned at the hobbit's deadly show. "I thought you would be scared too."

"I was at first," Tamaki explained. "But Hunny-senpai is well-trained," he grinned. "He's been raised as a mob leader since birth, after all."

"A mob leader?" she swallowed hard. Since when did Ouran Academy accept future mob leaders? Anyone with money, she supposed…

"That was a perfect shot, Hunny-senpai," Kyouya gave a rare compliment.

"Thanks, Kyo-chan!" The hobbit seemed to have come down off of his angry tirade.

"Of course, we'll have to discuss repairs and damage fees…"

"Mitsukuni," Mori kneeled at the shorter boy's side. "You're okay."

"Of course I am, Takashi!" the hobbit patted the giant's head. "Did I make you worry?"

"Mitsukuni…" Mori began again. "I have to talk to you about something…" He paused before glancing back at Haruhi who gave him an encouraging nod in return.

"Hm?" the hobbit blinked large, doe eyes at his cousin.

"Things…" he took a deep breath. "Things are going to have to change. I don't like sitting back and watching you make poor decisions for yourself. I've been silent, but I refuse to let this happen any longer because I love you, Mitsukuni."

The twins and Tamaki looked on with bated breath. Kyouya found something far more interesting in the pages of his diary.

"If you…" he swallowed hard. "If you continue down this self-destructive path, I'm going to have to…" he struggled with his words. "Mitsukuni… I have to…"

Their eyes all widened with suspense, save for Kyouya.

"I'm going to have to stop sneaking you Black Forest cake during second period."

Haruhi mentally facepalmed.

Hunny gazed up at his cousin, eyes pooling. "T-Takashi…"

"Mitsukuni."

"You…"

"Mm?"

"You asshole!" the hobbit cried, bringing the barrel of the gun down on his cousin's head. "HOW DARE YOU THREATEN TO STOP SNEAKING ME BLACK FOREST CAKE DURING SECOND PERIOD?"

They all turned away in awkward embarrassment for their senior as the hobbit continuously whacked him about. Haruhi simply sighed, her crazy gauge officially reaching its max for the day. Though it did seem to be accumulating more of a threshold as the weeks passed. She shook her head as the moody third year listed off the reasons why a lack of Black Forest cake would seriously stifle his academic performance and Mori listened diligently.

Well… She grimaced as the boy took another blow upside the head. She supposed every backwards, abusive relationshit had to start somewhere, right? And then there were domestic violence charges…

* * *

By the time they'd made it back to the amusement park, the sun was already rising. The Ootori secret police had already discharged a good amount of the guests after a drunken brawl at the Giant Turkey Leg stand. The rest soon reluctantly followed after Kyouya publically thanked and dismissed everyone due to time constraints and his growing and urgent need to punch someone or something. Currently, the seven walked the outskirts of the now dead silent park.

"So where to now?" the twins asked, obviously bored.

Haruhi froze. Were they kidding?

"We almost died tonight," she scowled, the words still surreal to her. "Don't you want to go home?"

"Only if you come with us," Hikaru winked. "Right, Kaoru?"

"Definitely," the younger twin replied, though it lacked its usual energy.

"My birthday party was ruined," Hunny sniffled as he led a bruised and bandaged Mori along. They all remained silent. And whose fault was that?

"We should have another party!" he cheered.

"A beach party?" the twins joined in.

Tamaki sighed, hands cradling his forehead. He was beginning to feel very dizzy. "Haruhi wouldn't like something like that. Didn't she just sa-"

"I actually wouldn't mind checking out the beach," she smiled. Her father hadn't taken her there in years.

"Kyouya," the blonde turned to his attempted murderer. "How are the plans for that beach party coming along?"

"I'm on it," he grumbled in response.

She sighed. "As long as it's not today…"

"Don't be stupid, Haruhi," Hikaru frowned.

"It'll be tonight obviously."

Her spirits sank.

"It'll be so much fun, Haruhi!" Tamaki gushed. "We'll have a live band, and food, and those glowing sticks and body paint and-"

He prattled on as they rounded the black Rolls Royce, the only car left in the lot. Kyouya was quick to take the driver's seat. Still buzzing with excitement over their plans for later, they pulled out onto the relatively deserted street just as day began to break over the top of The Plunge, now a pale and playful violet in the sunlight.

* * *

... what? It was the best I could come up with. **Srsly**...

I don't want it to take 8 months for me to update this time so **I've already started on the next chapter.** Hopefully I can have it out in just one month. I want to finish this story before I'm 90 on my death bed... I was thinking, **how would you guys like it if I posted an update status in my profile or something?** I can post when I've written drafts or when I'm editing. It'll give you some idea of where I am and it'll keep me on my toes better. What do you think?

By the by, the next chapter is the **INFAMOUS BEACH CHAPTER**. I have many many an idea for this one, but I am still accepting yours! So... **spill. **Yes. I just used "spill".

Please tell me what you liked. And what you didn't like. And what you'd like to see more of. Reviews help me a lot and inspire me to keep going! And I'm definitely determined to finish this. Unlike those OTHER stories that we won't talk about. Thankies!


	16. Let's Make a Sandwich!

On a distant shore, far far away, harsh, thundering rhythms pulsed through the air so loudly they might have split the sea. White and crimson patterns trailed the night sky, meeting and then parting once more. Sweaty bodies switched and swayed with abandon, possessed by the beat. Fluorescent sticks, necklaces and body paint glowed shades of neon green, pink and cerulean. Energy throbbed wildly from the usually prohibited beach. And it wasn't the only thing throbbing.

The Host King sat at a distance from the fray, close enough to catch a few words of the Euro-pop song that had been booming from the speakers for the last five minutes, but far enough to make out the faint rush of ocean waves just beneath the mayhem. Falling back against the black lounge chair, he raised a hand to his forehead.

_How much had he drank last night?_ Upon waking, he couldn't remember anything past drinking his first two beers! Was he really that much of a lightweight?

The drumming began again as if someone had struck a giant gong lodged inside of his head and he groaned in pain. Mori was covered with bandages, Kyouya was slightly more annoyed with him than usual, the girls kept going on about a carousel and he had no idea why! How embarrassing. He bit anxiously at his fingers despite the mind-numbing pain in his temples, curiosity eating away at him. How did one ask what they did the night before? At least without sounding like a complete lunatic?

"Tonooooo!" Two turquoise and orange painted demons popped into his line of vision and he nearly reeled over.

"Not so loud!" he moaned, tears edging at the grooves of his eyes.

"You're not still hungover are you?" Kaoru asked teasingly.

"You should join Hunny-senpai's grind line!" They pointed to a divide in the mass of teenagers where the hobbit and his favorite toy bunny led dozens of their classmates- including the heavily bandaged Mori in an up-close-and-personal, hip-shaking conga.

The blonde simply slumped downward into the dark lounge chair grumbling in response.

The twins glanced at each other before sighing in unison.

"Prude," they shrugged in conclusion.

"Bastards." A muffled murmur came from the lawn chair.

"Ah, you'll be okay, Tono." they grinned and held out a bottle toward him. "Drink this."

Tamaki turned in a zombie like motion to read the words 'Bud Light'. Eyes flooding with terror and disgust, he uttered a pathetic whimper of a sound before resigning to his position slumped motionlessly against the lounge chair.

"Ah. He died." The twins deduced flatly.

"Leave him alone, you guys," a familiar, yet androgynous voice sighed from beside the two. "If he gets sick-"

"Fine." They stepped away from the blonde to let him agonize in peace, their expressions twisting into eerie leers. "Why don't we go dance instead?"

"I don't..." the words fell on deaf ears as she was dragged into the tangled mass of kids just further along the shore, Hunny's grind line so long and jumbled now that it simply added to the pandemonium. "...dance..."

"Haruhiiiii!" A few of her fangirls squealed, all decked out in the skimpiest bikinis they could find on the trashy side of their favorite galleria.

"Hey!" she greeted them as amicably as she could manage regardless of the fact that she wasn't big on large, sweaty, inebriated crowds.

"Why are you wearing a shirt, Haruhi?" they asked, obviously disappointed.

"Eh..." She stared down at the plain white tee- the only thing that stood between their line of sight and the little cleavage she did have. "I was just a little... cold..."

"Cold?" the girls frowned.

"But it's almost eighty degrees..."

"Haruhi's going to dance with us!" the twins abruptly announced, maintaining their vice like grips on the commoner's shoulders.

The expected squeal rang loudly enough to rival the booming speakers. The techno record suddenly skidded to a halt and everyone looked up toward the stage to see Renge mixing.

"I'm dedicating this one to Haruhi and the Hitachiin brothers!" she blared through her megaphone. "I call it..." she whispered poetically. "... Banana Split."

The music started up, fast and edgy, and the vast majority blinked at Renge in confusion.

"This is a Lady GaGa mix tape..."

Haruhi had made some progress on her escape plan which largely involved crouching as low as humanly possible without being trampled and scuttling away, when several girls reached out to block her path, frenzied grins warping their gloss smothered lips. She gulped, tumbling back toward the twins. Was this a beach party or a sacrifice ritual?

"First things first," Hikaru smirked, arms folding possessively around his brother's bare waist before pulling him close, tangerine body paint blending with turquoise. They moved together, gliding effortlessly between the hard, jagged rhythms and melting into one another. Hikaru's hands snaked slowly, sensuously, trailing down Kaoru's waist and pausing at his rear.

"EEEEEEEEE!" the crowd went wild.

Kaoru's breath caught in his throat and he leaned further into his brother. Hikaru's attention, however, was concentrated elsewhere.

"Haruhi!" he called to the increasingly agitated commoner, an arm now outstretched. "Let's make a sandwich!"

The crowd marveled again at this connotation.

"I'll make a sandwich with you!" a hysterical fangirl exclaimed, waving her bikini top around.

"ME TOO!"

Haruhi just grimaced. A sandwich? How could anyone so casually spoil the idea of something so delicious?

"No way," she stated blankly.

"Really?" they turned in perfect synchrony to peer behind her, never skipping a beat. "I don't think you have a choice."

Swallowing hard, she slowly turned around to see a slew of homoerotica-crazed girls looming over her.

"N-No," she waved her arms frantically as they pushed her forward. "WAIT A MINUTE!"

But her protests were futile and she found herself tightly sandwiched-for the lack of a better word- in-between the two brothers.

"Come on, Haruhi." Hikaru smiled down at her as Kaoru leaned down to embrace her from behind, his chin resting on her shoulder.

"You're acting like Tono."

"Whatever," she grumbled, trying halfheartedly to somewhat match their movements and failing catastrophically at it. "Just don't touch my ass."

"What ass?" they inquired.

A bulge throbbed at her temple. They get her here and then they insult her? Typical.

"Kidding," Hikaru chuckled, amber eyes gleaming with mischief. "Hey Haruhi..." he gazed down at the commoner's awkward, haphazard form. "Don't you know how to dance?"

She gritted her teeth. "I told you I didn't."

"Awwww," they cooed teasingly, poking at her slightly reddened cheeks. "How cute!"

"Here," One of Hikaru's hands suddenly fell from his brother's hips and instead linked about Haruhi's waist. "I'll teach you." He held her closely, still moving sensually in a cat-like sway.

She simply bit lightly at her bottom lip, only halfway attempting to follow his lead. Things like this always made her uncomfortable. And for what? There wasn't anything to be gained from it. Just sore feet and excessive sweating. Speaking of which, why would anyone want to dance in this heat- especially so closely? Even in the sandy heatwave, she could still feel the heat radiating from their bodies. Hikaru's dark blue swim trunks swept against her stomach with every other beat. Did she even know what she was brushing against? Her cheeks flushed a vaguely darker shade of pink.

"Haruhi?"

She glanced up to see him eying her with an uncharacteristic surprise. "Eh?"

"Are you blushing?"

"Huh?" she exclaimed a bit too loudly as Kaoru too leaned down to examine her flustered cheeks. "Eh, no... I just-"

"I think you were," Hikaru grinned with an excited to smugness that might rival that of Tamaki's. His pupils made a beeline for his brother. "I think she's finally falling for us, Kaoru."

"Us?" Kaoru frowned uncomfortably, shifting his weight.

"Get over yourselves," Haruhi sighed. "You sound like Tamaki-senpai. It was just..." She eyed Hikaru. "You're..." she trailed off as any further explanation would no doubt earn her nothing but more teasing.

"_Me?_" Hikaru blinked, obviously caught off guard. "What about Kaoru?"

The other boy gazed downward, eyes drawing an imaginary line in the sand.

"It was nothing," Haruhi waved it off. Though something felt a bit skewed as if just for a moment, a divide had fallen between the two, throwing their synchronicity off for a few beats.

"Come here," Hikaru pulled her closely once more, both hands abandoning his brother this time. "You're doing it wrong again."

"Hm?" she raised an eyebrow. Was it just her or did he seem a bit more flustered than usual? And when was he ever flustered? She started to ask if she'd said something wrong when Kaoru cut in.

"Hey, I'll be right back," he announced in what sounded like forced nonchalance. "I'm going to the bathroom."

"Hm?" Hikaru frowned before moving to step around the commoner. "Then I'll go with you."

"No," Kaoru smiled, another suspiciously insincere gesture. "You guys go ahead. I'll be right back," he promised before quickly turning away and heading through the crowd of disappointed, horny girls.

"Kaoru!" Hikaru called after him, concern tightening his expression. He spun back around to face Haruhi. "What if he gets lost?"

"It's just the bathroom," she comforted the crestfallen twin. Though he had seemed a bit off color. "He'll be back in no time." She patted at his slumping shoulder.

"Maybe," Hikaru grunted, amber eyes still trailing after his brother. "He just seems," he paused, brushing his fingers roughly through his bangs as if to flick something away. "… different lately…"

* * *

"He's forgetting all about meeeeeeee!" Kaoru sobbed into the tiki bar's granite surface, nearly crushing the glass of rum and coke he held in the hand he wasn't bawling into.

"There, there," Kyouya murmured in a monotonous, almost sarcastic tone as he got in some much needed diary writing. "I'm sure he hasn't forgotten about you."

"But you just said he dropped me," the redhead hiccuped. "You said so yesterday."

"Oh, right."

Cocaine.

Hell of a drug.

"So you're not going to pursue Haruhi?"

"How could I?" Kaoru blew his nose into a bar napkin, images of a sullen twin brother crashing and thundering at his imagination. "Hikaru would be crushed..."

Kyouya felt a faint throb of disappointment. He hated freshmen.

"So what are you writing in there anyway?" The younger boy leaned over his shoulder.

He quickly slammed the book shut. _None of your goddamn business_. "None of your goddamn business."

Kaoru's eyes widened.

Shit. Did he just express a thought bubble? "That is... I meant to say..."

Unexpectedly, Kaoru began chuckling into his fist. "You've really been on edge lately, Kyouya-senpai."

A ghost of a sneer tugged at the corners of Kyouya's lips. And how was that funny?

"Sorry," Kaoru teased, eyes still dancing. "It's just cute."

Cute? Was he _trying_ to piss him off?

As if things couldn't get any more agitating, two familiar arms folded over the surface of the bar top and leaned in from the other side. "Do you boys need anything else?"

"Renge?" Kaoru choked on his drink in surprise. "I thought you were the DJ!"

"It's important to get around!" Renge switched about in her black one piece, lavandar floral designs creeping over the front. She'd had 'KYO-KUN' embroidered over the ass in purple lettering. "Isn't that right, babe?" She winked in Kyouya's direction.

"Renge," he beamed, the pen suddenly rigid in his grasp. "I thought I left you handcuffed to that buoy..."

"You did," she grinned a bit manically, her brow twitching. "For three hours..."

"A buoy?" Kaoru paled.

"Three hours, Kyouya!" Her fists trembled. "You said you'd be right back!"

"Hm..." he mumbled, spectacles glazing over. "I suppose I lost track of time."

"This is the third time you've lost track this week," she cried, losing composure. "If you keep tying me up and leaving me, I'm going to begin to suspect that you're just avoiding me on purpose!"

"You're just going to begin suspecting that?" Kaoru's brow twitched.

"I need you to start opening up to me, Kyouya!" she shrieked. "My CosmoGirl Love horoscope says that a GOOD relationship should always begin with trust!"

"Hm."

"You're in a relationship?" Kaoru cocked an eyebrow.

"You don't trust me, Kyouya!"

"Don't be ridiculous, Renge." He started for the umpteenth time, finally snapping the ledger shut. "Of course I trust you."

She stared at him for a few seconds. Slowly, her face darkened to a crimson color, her hands folded together. "You _do_?"

"Totally," he muttered, now concentrating on his IPhone.

"Oh, Kyouya!" she squealed and he scooted a few inches away from the bar top.

Perturbed, Kaoru sighed before turning away from the scene and then quickly regretted it.

"There's a lot of couples," he moaned, noticing for the first time how many pairs had gathered underneath the tiki bar. The thought of Hikaru and Haruhi sharing one of the little straw tables haunted him and he let his forehead fall a bit too harshly against the bar top. "I wish I could just get the hell out of here."

"Well..." The blind adoration slowly fazed out of Renge's expression to give over to something far more devious. "We could." Her gaze shifted to Kyouya's as if attempting to transmit some sort of secret message. He greeted it with the usual bored annoyance, but realization seemed to dawn on him after a few seconds. Leaning onto the bar top, he became very still. Renge simply beamed at him with excitement, her bottom lip caught between her teeth.

Kaoru gulped as they both suddenly turned mechanically to survey him, eyes roving, gears clicking. Why were they looking at him like that? His fingers tore nervously at the straw of the bar stool.

"Sure" Kyouya stood from his own stool., grin even more cryptic than usual "Let's go."

"YAY!" Renge leapt onto the bar top with abandon.

Kaoru sighed in relief. Creepy behavior aside, at least these two were a choice of company besides Hikaru and Haruhi. They certainly wouldn't do anything to confuse him anymore than he already was! Rising to his feet, he reached out to help Renge as she struggled to climb over the bar top. "So," he downed the rest of his drink in one gulp, increasingly desperate to dull out the pain. "What did you guys have in mind?"

* * *

Meanwhile...

"He's in trouble!" Hikaru wailed with a childishness to rival his usual immaturity. "I can feel it!"

"I'm sure he's fine, Hikaru," Haruhi grumbled. The first five minutes of his worried-twin-brother act were bearable-perhaps even endearing, but it had gotten old quickly and she was now tired, irritated and as always- hungry.

"You don't understand, Haruhi," he shot back at her, frustration creasing his brow. "It's like twin ESP!"

"Yeah right…" Callus as usual, she crossed her arms and sighed as his wonder twin senses tingled. "Calm down, Hikaru. He headed toward the tiki bar. What's the worst that could happen to him there?"

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Hikaru blared, attracting odd stares from the already booming dance floor they had graced just moments ago. "He could get into a drunken bar fight!"

"Isn't that more your style?"

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?" he growled and she rolled her eyes in response. How did someone go from mischievously playful to a grade A asshole in just seconds? She took in his reddened face and heavy breathing and sighed. She couldn't take much more of this.

"If it bothers you that much, why don't you go looking for him?"

"Fine," he grunted, turning away from her, eyes shadowed. "If you wanted me to go away all you had to do was say so." And with that, he stalked off toward the tiki bar, fists clenched, leaving one confused commoner in his wake.

Haruhi simply blinked. Wasn't she supposed to be the female in the club? Groaning, she headed off toward a lone sand dune in the distance. There wasn't enough Xanax in the world for how hard these guys PMSed. Until yesterday, she'd pegged Hunny and Mori as the normal ones (as normal as the Host Club came anyway) and boy, was that a misjudgement on her part…

She grumbled to herself as her sandals sank into the beginnings of an uphill limb, the warm sand falling and bunching around her feet. Dammit. She'd almost forgotten that climbing hills required some physical effort on her part. God forbid she actually exercise. But anything to get away from the fray she supposed. She could already hear the sound of Renge's Lady GaGa mixtape and drunken wails dying away to make room for the soft yet powerful roar of the ocean waves. As she neared the top of the hill, she slumped stomach down onto a the bed of sand. That had been the most strenuous three minutes of her weekend. And on an empty stomach too… She started to roll over, shut her eyes and let the ocean's hum spirit her away when a soft moan snapped her out of the daze. A heavy feeling set into her stomach. Was it sad that she was beginning to recognize this sound? Eyes skimming the hilltop, she searched for the amorous couple. The majority of the summit was open and marked by nothing but sand. However, a few large, jagged rocks stood near the edge. She supposed they were hiding behind there.

Another moan and her eyes widened in recognition. Kurokano? Haruhi raised an eyebrow as the image of the brunette who made up a good percentage of her debt repayment and constantly sent her mushy love notes during class came to mind. She hadn't taken her to be that type of girl. Sighing, she started back down the hill. Maybe she really was a painfully oblivious, terrible judge of character. Or all Ouran students were secretly nothing but raging whores…

Yeah, that was probably it…

She bit her bottom lip anxiously. Did this mean Kurokano wouldn't be requesting her anymore? How could she pay her debt off before she was fifty now? An image of a grinning Shadow King showing up at her future nursing home invaded her mind when suddenly…

"Wait…" Kurokano again. She sounded strange. "Where am I?"

Haruhi froze in her footsteps, eyes widening as a new image appeared in her mind's eye.

"It's alright." A male voice this time. "Relax, baby."

More confused mumbling and then a sudden chuckle.

"She's drunk as fuck," a second male voice exclaimed and the two snickered together, the sound harsh and jarring like rusted hinges.

The image began to form and take shape. Her eyes narrowed, fists clenched.

"I'm supposed to be…" Kurokano murmured hazily. "I was with my friends…"

"We'll be your friends." More nauseating laughter.

"Just-"

"Hey!" Haruhi stepped out from around the large, sharp edged boulders, eyes narrowed. "Leave her alone."

Kurokano lay quite motionless upon the sand, her yellow one piece bathing suit fortunately still intact save for one strap that had been yanked further down her shoulder. Two men turned abruptly to face the intruder and Haruhi's glare deepened, her stomach clenching tightly. Even in the dark, she could make out the soft wrinkles, the weathered features. These weren't high school boys.

"Didn't you hear me?" she pressed, lifting her sandal to kick sand in their faces. "This is a private beach!"

Unfortunately, due to Haruhi poor P.E attendance and all around fatassity, she couldn't aim worth a shit and tripped, nearly landing on her face. Both men fell into fits of knee-slapping laughter. Flustered, Haruhi climbed to her feet again, eyes still determined.

"I'm serious," she threatened. "Get away from her."

"Oh, you're serious, huh?" the taller man stood to his feet, his loose brown t-shirt billowing in the wind. "Hey Kemo. This kid is serious."

They both fell into another fit of chuckles and Haruhi groaned.

"If you don't get off this damn beach-"

A hand suddenly took her by the neck, forcing her toward the edge. Kemo chuckled from behind him as he lowered his wrinkled face to hers. "Or you'll do what?"

Her nose wrinkled at the sour smell. "This."

Whipping a bottle from the front pocket of her shorts, she squirted a dark liquid directly into his eyes.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed, his grasp on Haruhi loosening. "WHAT THE FUCK?"

"Ryo!" the other man rushed toward his fallen accomplice in sex crime, a long ponytail trailing behind him. "What happened?"

"IT FUCKING BURNS!" the man rubbed relentlessly at his eyes.

"What the fuck is this?" Kemo swiped Ryo's face with his finger and sniffed the substance. His eyes widened. "Soy sauce?"

Before he could further speculate, a hand wrenched him backwards by the ponytail and emptied the rest of the bottle into his face.

"GYAAAAAAAH!"

Haruhi sighed, taking in the two writhing men on the ground. If she was a crueler person, she might have kicked them both in the sides. Besides attempting to rape her best customer, that was the ONLY bottle of soy sauce she'd brought along with her. Normally, she was fine with whatever high society condiments the Host Club had to offer, but this was her favorite brand of soy sauce. And it went for one hundred more yen than typical soy sauces!

"You owe me money," she growled in a slightly Kyouya-esque fashion at the rapists beneath her. She turned back to retrieve what was left of her woefully drained bottle and her heart skipped a beat. It had nearly fallen from the edge! She started toward the tasty condiment when Kurokano suddenly stirred.

"Haruhi…?" she moaned. "Is that you?"

"Kurokano!" she turned to the girl, eyes concerned. "Are you feeling alright?"

"Y-Yeah…" Kurokano mumbled. "Just… so drowsy…" She started to stretch and Haruhi's eyes widened in fear when she realized the direction her feet were currently prodding in.

"Kurokano!" she called in perhaps more alarm than the situation warranted.

"Hm?" A row of daintily preened toes flicked the bottle and off it went.

"SHIT!" Haruhi scrambled in the bottles direction, paying too much attention to the swirling dark liquid as it toppled from the cliff and not enough to the direction in which she was going. She let out one of her rare squeals reserved for moments when she cascaded over a relatively tall cliff and Kurokano gaped petrified as both sauce bottle and host plunged to a rocky death.

* * *

Lol. I'm quite sure that** this is going to be fun.** Thanks for anyone who reads this anymore and thanks for all the great reviews! Those are what keep me going! Sorry, I haven't updated in a couple of months. I got a job! I am feeling pretty settled now though... I'm very excited about this two parter. The next part should especially be fun. I have so many ideas!

Thanks to the** reviewers** and the instrumental of Lady Gaga's **Judas**... I couldn't have written this without you... strangely enough.

Also, I was rereading this story and I got to **Chapter 7 (Kyouya Has Serious Problems Part II)** and I thought... DAMN, this is a **LONG ASS CHAPTER!** It just goes on and on and on! No wonder it gave me hell to write it... I'd actually like to edit it down so that no one else has to go through that ordeal. **So if anyone could please, which parts of that chapter should I cut and which should I keep? Thanks!**

And remember to** review!** Complaints, praises, and requests are always welcome :D


	17. Independent Commoner

Author's Note:** LONG ASS CHAPTER!** -huff puff- God, this chapter is long. I'd apologize for taking two months, but honestly? Do you see how long this chapter is? There are like **three regular sized chapters** in this chapter! Seriously. I keep telling myself that I'm not going to write chapters this long anymore.

Anyway...** JUST A WARNING**, though this chapter starts out very tame and humorous, it gets very dark toward the end. It's probably my darkest chapter yet in terms of drama and trauma and all of that. I'm sorry if it offends anyone. It is pretty offensive though. Especially if you're a Kyouya fan. Hell, even I was offended. So watch out for that.

Thanks for your reviews and please review! I'll rant more at you later.

* * *

The virgin tore mercilessly at an innocent seashell as he struggled to recall the day before, his throbbing head threatening to burst at any moment. There had been commoner's weed. He was sure of it. The taste had lingered on his tongue when he'd woken hovered over his bedroom toilet that afternoon... He had shared a blunt with a giant rabbit and a monkey. The monkey had tried to take it awa- but no! He took two handfuls of blonde, tears creeping at the edges of his eyes. That was impossible! He would have to be stoned off of his ass to recall something like that! Had the twins slipped him shrooms again? With an aggravated groan, he fell back against the beach chair. Sharing a joint with super-sized versions of cute animals was about as realistic as sushi condiments raining from the sky.

As if on cue, he was promptly smacked dead upside the head. Whimpering in pain, he kneeled over to retrieve the offending object from the sand, vision blurring. Squinting, he made out a small red patch where a buck-toothed beaver smiled up at him. 'The Greatest Soy Sauce in the World!" it's speech bubble read. Tamaki blinked.

"Soy sauce?" He tilted the bottle and watched as a sliver of thick, dark liquid trailed downward toward the sand.

"NOOOOOOO!"

"Huh?" His eyes widened, head snapping upward.

A flailing commoner soared toward him. "DON'T!"

"HARUHI!" Ignoring his throbbing head, he sprung from the chair and tossed the bottle aside, the last remains of soy sauce dribbling into the ocean. "I'LL CATCH YOU!"

"SENPAI!" Haruhi roared- a mix of anger and the fact that she was currently hurtling towards the ground at high speeds. "YOU FUCKING-"

The rest of her obscenity was drowned out by her slamming into him and washing them both out to sea. It was then that Kurokano decided to get off of her ass and actually do something.

It didn't take long to find the rest of the Host Club. Mori and Hunny had quickly abandoned their grind line in pursuit of some good old fashioned rapist kicking. Hikaru had been angsting in the darkest corner of the tiki bar. Kyouya and Kaoru had been discussing top secret club business with Renge just down the beach in the back of her Barbie pink beach van. She seemed particularly peeved at being abandoned, but Kyouya had assured her of their return as he locked her in the rear of the vehicle while Kaoru seemed immensely interested in some phantom far off in the distance. After reassuring Kurokano that they would take care of the problem and leaving her in the good hands of her sloppily drunken friends, they returned to scene of the crime where a tiny wisp of a commoner was attempting to drag a 6-foot tall, ashen blob to shore. The twins were immediately at her side, Kaoru taking Tamaki by the arm pits and Hikaru helping Haruhi along. Bloodthirsty as usual, the hobbit had accosted the two puffy eyed perverts atop the hill, his bitch following behind to make sure he didn't commit any homicides. Kyouya simply stood on the sidelines like a lazy bastard.

Finally stopping alongside the lone beach chair, Haruhi fell to her knees, her breath ragged. Kaoru let the Host King fall against the sand, back first, before joining her.

"Haruhi!" Hikaru gripped the drenched shoulders of her t-shirt, eyes wild with concern. "Are you alright?"

"The bottle," she choked, expression desolate. "It's gone."

"Huh?" Both brothers eyed her in confusion.

"Nothing." She trembled, trying to shake off the feel of lukewarm air against her soaked, sand-coated skin. Her gaze traveled over to her left where Tamaki lay completely motionless, his face frozen in the same stupid expression it had held when she'd made impact. Albeit, those moronic eyes were closed. Kyouya had knelt beside him, two fingers gently examining his throat.

"He's breathing," he concluded with an irritated sigh, his gaze locking onto her own. "What exactly happened, Haruhi?"

She gulped, sure to be careful of her words, lest he find another reason to raise her debt. "I er..." She glanced at the top of the cliff where muffled cries currently emanated. Even she had the self awareness not to admit that she'd nearly offed herself over a teaspoon of soy sauce. "... fell..." Her eyes lowered again to the still Tamaki. "He got in the way." They narrowed in memory of the soy sauce.

"And you knocked him out to sea?" Kaoru inquired.

"How much do you weigh again?" Hikaru added.

"Shut up," she grumbled into folded knees, her arms draped over her ankles. "Maybe if he hadn't have drank so much last night he'd be able to keep his balance." And refrain from emptying perfectly good condiments out onto the beach. Littering asshole.

"So you fell?" Hikaru raised an eyebrow. "Kurokano said those perverts pushed you."

"Hm?" she blinked, clammy palms wringing at the water logged cotton of her tee. "She was just out of it. I kicked their asses."

"HUH?" the twins exclaimed. Kyouya's brow heightened by a fourth of a centimeter.

"No fucking way!" Hikaru scoffed. "You're gonna tell me you took on two grown ass men all by yourself?"

She nodded.

He stared at her blankly. "I call bullshit. Kaoru?"

Silence.

"Kaoru?" he turned around to see the younger twin's gaze floating out somewhere over the rainbow.

"Kaoru!"

The boy jumped. "Eh?"

"What the hell is the matter with you?" Hikaru leaned over to pat is brother playfully on the cheek. "What were you doing in Renge's van anyway?"

"Er..."

Kyouya cleared his throat. "That isn't important." He immediately whipped his IPhone out. "What _is_ important is that we get both of you inside." And away from the strangled cries that were growing progressively louder upon the hill. At least before Tamaki woke up. He sure as hell didn't want to be associated with any murder accusations that might arise. Discretion was necessary and the Host King certainly didn't do it well. "Just give me one moment and-"

"HARUHI!"

The blonde shot up, arms stretching forward. The twins and Haruhi scrambled backwards, taken off guard. Kyouya cursed inwardly and jammed his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

"I'LL CATCH YOU!" Tamaki sputtered, his voice strained.

"Tono," Hikaru frowned.

"You're about thirty minutes too late," Kaoru finished.

The boy responded with some tortured blend between gasping and choking and the twins were quick to assist him.

"Do you guys know what you're doing?" Haruhi asked suspiciously as they neared him, their imp-like glee far too devious to be genuine.

"Duh, Haruhi," Hikaru rolled his eyes.

"We took CPR," Kaoru explained.

"In third grade," they finished, smirks widening.

"A pat on the back sometimes works," Hikaru explained as he brought down a half empty box of Bud Light on Tamaki's back.

"GYAAAAAAAH!" the blonde cried out between sputters.

"Hm..." Hikaru scratched his bangs in thought. "Kaoru, why don't you try the front?"

"NO!" Tamaki gasped, now on his hands and feet in an attempt to crawl away.

"How about mouth to mouth resuscitation?" their cat eyes twinkled.

"Don't," he coughed barely managing to waggle a finger at them in warning. "…fucking touch me."

"Hmph." the twins frowned in faux offense. "How rude."

They watched a bit longer as the Host King coughed into the sand, tears creeping at the corners of his eyes. And to think. All of this from drinking. A reeling head. Burning sinuses. The salty taste of ocean water on his palette. Worst. Hangover. Ever. But wait. He wiped a hand over his lips. Hangovers didn't give you the salty taste of ocean water on your palette. He lowered his head to stare down at the rest of his body. He was wet. And cold. And covered in sand and bruises. A tiny crab scuttled out from under his swim trunks and he let out an eardrum piercing screech.

Kyouya facepalmed.

"Not so loud, senpai!" Haruhi scowled. "Don't you remember anything?"

"Hm?" He turned that stupid expression on her and it slowly melted into frightened recognition. "Haruhi!" He gripped her tightly by the shoulders. "Are you okay?" he blared, burrowing her head into his drenched, sandy chest. "What happened? Did daddy save you?"

"_You_ save _me_?" she growled as her cheek met with gritty, wet sand.

"What happened anyway?" He cringed suddenly and pulled away to nurse his aching head, eyes still concerned. " You hit pretty hard. Did someone push you off that cliff?" His concern warped into anger. "It wasn't those twins?"

"HEY!" they denounced his judgment on their character.

"No, senpai," she sighed. "I just slipped and-"

"Haruhi tried to take on two old bastards and got her ass handed to her," Hikaru explained flatly. She rolled her eyes in response.

"It didn't happen that way!" she protested. "I lost my balance-"

"Two guys?" Tamaki's hands fell from his injured head, his attention suddenly completely her own. "You tried to take on two guys?"

She groaned. Was it so hard to believe that she had singlehandedly fucked up two men? Since when did the Host King take either of the twins' words over hers?

"I didn't try." She crossed her arms. "I did."

"You got thrown from a cliff you mean!"

"They didn't throw me!" she snapped back, forgetting her former discretion. "The soy sauce was falling over the edge and I would have caught it too if you weren't so damn stu-"

"_Will you shut up and stop thinking about food for one fucking second?_"

The night air around them suddenly thickened with heightened tension that sucked the calming roar of the waves and the distant cries of partygoers from existence. Kyouya and the twins stared curiously down at the two. Haruhi drew a sharp breath as she took in the suddenly rabid Host King. How had those stupid violet eyes went from worrisome puppy dog to blazing a hole right through her? But no matter. She would stand her ground. No one told her fat ass to stop thinking about food and got away with it...

"I didn't do anything wrong, senpai." She crossed her arms.

"Didn't do anything wrong?" he scoffed. "You almost got yourself killed! If I hadn't been here-"

"Are you fucking kidding me?" she scowled. "You're the one who fainted! I had to drag you all the way-!"

"That's not the point, dumbass!" he roared, face flushing. "You're a girl! You can't just take on two boys-!"

"Men," the twins inserted.

"Shut up!" Haruhi hissed in their direction.

"YOU SHUT UP!" Tamaki snapped. "You can't take on two men-!"

"I just did!"

"YOU GOT THROWN FROM A CLIFF, YOU IDIOT!" he screamed in her face.

"I slipped, you sexist bastard!" She moved forward daringly.

"WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?" He took her roughly by the shoulders.

"WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?" she tried to wriggle out of his grasp.

"HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?"

"HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS SO STUPID?"

The floodgates parted. "I DIDN'T TRY TO TAKE ON TWO GUYS ALONE!"

"WELL, I DIDN"T EMPTY A BOTTLE OF PERFECTLY GOOD SOY SAUCE INTO THE FUCKING SEA!"

"WELL- … what?"

"Rich bastard..."

"...whatever." He finally pulled away, breathing labored, cheeks scarlet. His head was killing him now. "Be stubborn if you want. I'm not talking to you until you admit you were wrong."

"Is that supposed to be a punishment?" she asked coldly.

The blonde visibly cringed at her words, but holding steady to his resolve, he turned quickly on his heel and marched away, his right hand man glancing her way from behind those damned glasses before following right behind him. A few moments passed before the twins let out a low whistle.

"Cat fight," they both sang.

"Shut the fuck up," Haruhi groaned in annoyance. Well, at least the Host King wouldn't be breathing down her neck for the rest of the night. But still, she couldn't help the troubling feel of unsettled conflict from gnawing at the pit of her stomach.

* * *

Three hours later...

Silence swept over the beach. Where horny fangirls and their unfortunate boyfriends had, only hours before, danced drunkenly upon the sand, lay abandoned glo-sticks, condom wrappers and a forgotten thong or two. A lonely breeze swept over the area. The party was over.

For the filthy rich that is.

The Shadow King had given the_ disgustingly_ rich the option to move just down the beach to Nekozawa's Victorian summer manor. For a few thousand yen, of course.

"Fufufufufu," Nekozawa peered out of his room, his eyeliner just the right shade of grim reaper black. He was ready to crash the party. "Can I come out now?"

"Not yet," The twins stated blankly from their place just across the spacious black and white tiled hall. They had changed into matching grey hooded tank tops, tight fitting capris replacing their swim trunks.

"But you said that an hour ago!" their upperclassman whined.

"We changed our minds," Kaoru shrugged.

"Why don't you read some more of those Daybreak novels?" Hikaru snickered.

"HEY!" a flustered Nekozawa started. How dare they mispronounce his favorite series! "It's Twilight!"

The twins simply eyed each other and shrugged. "Who gives a shit?"

Haruhi rolled her eyes, partially in aggravation at her clubmates' cruelty, but mostly because of her change of wardrobe. After she'd nearly killed herself for her long lost condiment, her t-shirt and jeans had been too water ravaged to sport for much longer. The twins had instead opted to give her a loose, white, off the shoulder midriff tank and faded denim short shorts that had this irritating habit of riding up her ass. Just concealing enough not to divulge her true sex, but flimsy enough to make her feel like a two dollar whore.

"It's his family's vacation home," she sighed. "Why isn't he allowed to come out?"

Hikaru scoffed. "Are you kidding?" Hikaru scoffed. "Invite a loser like him to the party?"

Nekozawa gloomed.

"It's his resort!"

"Yeah, whatever," they both rolled their eyes as they led her down the hall. "He let us rent it..."

"But-"

"Let's go downstairs!"

Haruhi swallowed hard. There was no way in hell.

"There'll be ootoro!" They winked at her.

Taking a deep breath, she groaned as they led her down the spiraling marble staircase. Damn her unhealthy addiction! She had a good mind to scramble into one of the gothic resort's many suites and lock herself in for the rest of the night, but the Shadow King would no doubt scold her for abandoning her customers before sucking her financially dry. Best to endure what awaited her downstairs where harsh beats throbbed loudly enough to give her a month's worth of headaches, future lesbians waited to pounce and a sexist bastard was keeping her on the noisiest silent treatment she'd ever suffered. True, he wouldn't talk to her, but he was adamant about making it known that he wasn't talking to her, whether that meant huffing loudly whenever she was within ten feet or pouting gratuitously in the corner of any given room. Who knew that his cold shoulder would be just as smothering as his usual antics?

At least there would be ootoro.

As they reached the ground floor, two onyx stone doors towered before them, gargoyles clawing out from either side.

Hikaru smirked as he grasped an iron handle. "I can't wait to see Tono's reaction..."

Haruhi groaned. Kaoru shrugged. Hikaru scowled.

"You're starting to remind me of Mori-senpai," he frowned at his brother as he yanked the door open. "You've been distant ever since-"

"HARUHIIIIIIII!"

As expected, a dozen lesbos exploded from the double doors, zeroing in on their favorite host.

"Are you crossdressing Haruhi?"

"You look so hot!"

She yelped as someone pinched her ass.

"HARU-CHAN!" the hobbit waved from behind a glass counter in the center of the dungeon like lobby where he and Mori were bartending. "SO CUTE!"

"Mmmm." Mori had to agree.

"DAYUM!" Renge blared through the megaphone of her DJ booth. "I'M DEDICATING THIS ONE TO HARUHI!"

The commoner groaned as the repeated phrase, "Damn, that's a sexy bitch!" exploded from the speakers.

The fangirl raving went on, but further down, towards the rear of the lobby, they were raving about something entirely different.

"Tamaki-sama!" A distraught first year cried as she shook the Host King recklessly upon the black, leather couch where he'd held an audience only moments before. Unfortunately, he'd suddenly sank into the cushions where he'd curled into a ball and wouldn't come out.

"Is he okay?" another girl cried, her mascara running.

"Does he need CPR?" a girl with orange streaked hair asked hopefully.

"H-Haru..." he whined.

"WHAT?"

"He's turning red!"

"Is he allergic to something?"

"I CAN DO CPR!" orange head offered impatiently.

"Ah, he'll be fine," the twins leaned over the sofa, mischievous cat-like grins in tow. "Right, Tono?"

"Be quiet!" he hissed. "I don't want her to see m-"

"Hey." They all gazed up to see Haruhi standing over them, her dark gaze plainly trailing over the Host King's crumbled form in irritation, one hand on her hip. "I thought you said there would be ootoro."

"Hm?" Tamaki blinked, wide eyes traveling over her ensemble from the exposed shoulder to the bare midriff. "Eh..."

"Senpai?" she grimaced. "You're drooling."

Fangirls rushed at him from every side with custom made handkerchiefs as the twins shepherded her away toward a row of silver dishes across from the bar.

"Pervert," they tossed him accusing glances over their backs.

"Just ignore him, Haruhi."

"HEY!" The blonde shot through the huddle of fangirls like lightening and nearly toppled over at the refreshment table, the sleeve of his cream colored dress shirt narrowly missing a bowl of spiked punch. "Don't fill her head with lies!"

"Where's the ootoro?" Haruhi grunted.

The blonde heaved a tired sigh, arms crossed, eyes conflicted. "Still thinking about food?"

"Yeah, so?" She rummaged through the sea of intricately designed dishes. "I thought you weren't talking to me."

He stiffened before taking a deep breath and turning to the eldest little devil. "Hikaru! Please tell Haruhi that I am not speaking to her until she stops acting like a petulant child..."

"Sure thing, Tono." Hikaru turned to the commoner. "Haruhi, Tono said he's not speaking to you until you stop acting like a bitch."

"WHAT?" the blonde raged.

"His words." The twin chuckled as a cocktail shrimp platter was promptly brought down on his head. Haruhi grumbled as the pink remnants of seafood rained upon the floor.

"I could have eaten that," she glared at the blonde. Wasn't the soy sauce enough?

"Is that all you care about?" Tamaki seethed, fingers massaging at his temples. "What about two hours ago when you almost got yourself killed?"

"Get over it, senpai."

"You need to admit you were wrong!"

"You're not my dad!"

He gasped as if this was news to him. "Haruhi-!"

"WHERE'S THE OOTORO?"

"I ATE IT!" he boomed.

A silence swept over the area, save for the whining tones of Akon in the backdrop.

Previously dull brown orbs suddenly expanded into pools. She turned on him, her movements slow, deliberate.

"... what?" she stepped forward.

The twins seized up at the sudden mood shift, but Tamaki simply beamed obliviously as if proud of his gluttony and leaned down to level with her, eyes daring. "I ate it."

The area beneath her eyes twitched.

"It was delicious."

After a fair amount of twitching, she swiftly turned her back on him lest she attempt to use one of the table's many kebabs to skewer that smug grin off of his face. But no. That would only waste more food... She couldn't remember the last time she had been so overcome with murderous intent. A blend of anger, frustration and loss whipped wildly at her insides as she moved rigidly across the lobby, the music suddenly a drowned out blur. She had to do something to calm herself. But what?

"H-Haruhi?" A third year with heavy bangs and ripped jeans approached her, a tall drink resting in her grasp. Clear liquid filled the glass halfway. "Are you alright?"

The younger girl quickly took the glass from her hand and downed it in one gulp.

"Eh..." the girl swallowed hard. "Haruhi?"

"Shit." She closed her eyes tightly, tears springing up at the edges.

"That was straight vodka..."

"Yeah..." she let out a deep breath, the sting still ricocheting down her throat and throughout her insides, burning every internal organ it touched. But she felt warmer. Less aggravated. "I'm fine..."

"Haruhi!" Kurokano suddenly danced into view, the skirts of her hot pink tulle dress billowing about her slim thighs. But Haruhi was focused on the beverage in her hand. She still felt the need to crush something and besides, she needed something to wash the vodka down and what better than with more vodka?

"What's that?" she inquired.

"Hm?" Kurokano followed her gaze. "It's a long island iced tea. Hunny-senpai made it for me." She shrugged. "I don't usually drink, but I just wanted to be nice after-"

"I'll take it," Haruhi mumbled and snatched the glass before Kurkano could offer it, downing a third of it in one swig.

"Er..." the girl blinked. "Haruhi... are you...?"

"Hm?" Haruhi burped loudly and a small blush graced her cheeks. "I'm fine..."

Kurokano giggled in response. Even a sloppy host was a hot one. Any obsessed fangirl knew that. "You're so cute, Haruhi..."

Haruhi giggled in return before leaning in. "You're cute too, Kurokano-san."

"HARUHI!"

She turned around just in time to see a raging Tamaki stampeding her way. He halted just short of her in a very roadrunner-esque fashion before zeroing in on the drink in her hand.

"Is that hard liquor?"

"Probably," she grimaced, the tingling sensation still alive in her gut. "Burns like a motherfucker."

He meeped. "Haruhi!"

She stared at him blankly before taking another swig. "What?"

"Put that down!" he demanded, reaching for the glass. "You're going to get wasted-"

"Oh," she swayed out of his reach. "You mean like you were last night? Piss drunk and hitting on everyone in sight?" Another swig. "You almost got us killed, you know."

Kurokano gasped.

"Huh?" he gulped, eyes fearful. "Wha- what?"

"You probably don't even remember."

"Eh... er..." He blushed, thumbs twiddling.

"He doesn't remember," she concluded, her elbow now resting on Kurokano's shoulder. The brunette blushed fervently. Tamaki raged.

"H-Hey!" he barked accusingly. "Why are you crowding Kurokano-san like that? She needs some space-!"

"Oh, I'm fine," the girl giggled shyly.

"She's fine." Haruhi could feel a stupid grin spreading over her lips. She wasn't sure if it was the effects of the alcohol or some sadistic pleasure over watching him so obviously riled up. Not so smug anymore, was he? She downed the last of the unusually strong "iced tea" and let out another burp. Kurokano giggled and she followed suit. Tamaki just grimaced. "Haruhi, that's disgusting."

A flash of her former anger rose from the depths and she twisted one arm around her customer's waist and pulled her close. "Well, Kurokano-san thinks it's cute."

"Haruhi!" Kurokano blushed wildly as their cheeks pressed together. The cute little commoner had always been cordial, but he had never shown her this much attention before! But then he had never been this tipsy. She sighed lovingly. She always fell for the bad boy...

Tamaki, on the other hand, practically had smoke pouring from his ears. "B-" he stuttered. "That's not- You can't-"

The commoner simply giggled at his quickly reddening expression, her hands trailing over the waist of Kurokano's tulle dress. "Do you want to dance?" she whispered in the girl's ear, all the while staring at the Host King.

Strawberry red at this point, Tamaki leaned down until he reached ear level with the drunken Haruhi. "You're trying to upset me," he seethed.

"Whatever," she tilted her head in what might have been her last hold on controlled nonchalance before dissolving into alcoholic madness. "Let's dance, Kurokano-san!" She led the flustered fangirl toward the center of the lobby where her classmates were thrashing to a techno rhythm, strobe lights trailing over the crowd.

"Haruhi, that's a bitch move!" Tamaki blared after her over the music. "What happened to your dignity? YOUR SELF RESPECT?" he cried.

"I ATE IT!" she blared back drunkenly.

"THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE!" he nearly sobbed in response. His tears quickened as they reached the dance floor, their bodies moving together, the skirts of Kurokano's tulle dress brushing against his daughter's bare midriff... Any other red blooded male might have raced for his camera phone, but Tamaki was appalled! He had to put a stop to this at once!

"Mmm."

"Hm?" He glanced down to see Ana grinning up at him, her blonde highlights just as tackily flashy as her studded micro miniskirt. "Ana-san!"

"Hey Tamaki." Her perfect teeth bit lightly at her bottom lip. "I haven't seen you around tonight."

"Oh..." he muttered, attention still focused on the two girls on the dance floor. His eye twitched. They'd moved closer now. "I was just a bit... distracted."

"Wanna dance?" she breathed against his ear, arms snaking across his chest and around his neck.

He simply continued to ogle the couple, despite the blatantly horny cheerleader wrapped around him. "I'm afraid I can't," he sighed. "Haruhi's trying to make me..." He suddenly blinked, eyes beelining downward to Ana. "Trying to make me..."

"Hm?" she smirked suggestively.

Tamaki suddenly got an idea. An awful idea. Tamaki got a wonderful, awful idea!

"Let's dance!" he exclaimed and before she could even purr accordingly, she was promptly yanked onto the dance floor. Many a fangirl glared envy coated daggers at both Kurokano and Ana as their partners led them to the center of the fray. It didn't take long for the latter couple to catch the beat. Ana frequently danced on football fields and table tops alike and the Host King could hold his own despite his unfortunate lack of hand-eye coordination. Embarrassingly, the same couldn't be said for Haruhi. Even more embarrassingly, she was too drunk and Kurokano was too lovestruck to care.

"Haruhi!" Tamaki sang at the top of his lungs.

She simply pulled Kurokano close, hands resting against her hips. Grunting, Tamaki did the same in exchange.

"Ooooh, Tamaki!" Ana growled.

"Haruhi!" he cried louder this time.

Haruhi responded by lowering Kurokano into a back splitting dip, nearly dropping her upon the ground to be trampled by a slew of jealous fangirls. Tamaki gritted his teeth. Goddammit. Not only was she purposefully being a bitch, but she was going to hurt that poor girl! He subsequently, but far more gracefully, dipped his partner and she squealed in response. The remainder of his fanbase sharpened their nail filers.

"CHECK OUT THE ACTION ON THE DANCE FLOOR!" Emcee Renge boomed from her megaphone. "HARUHI AND TAMAKI-KUN ARE DUKING IT OUT!"

The ball was in Haruhi's court. This time, she decided to go with something a bit more daring. Pulling Kurokano close again, she leaned into her, their bodies pressing tightly together, parting slightly with the music and then rolling together again.

"OH COME ON!" Tamaki roared over the music, cheeks plum red.

"What's wrong, Tamaki-sama?" the bleached blonde's baby-like voice breathed into his ear as she fluidly rolled her hips against him. Perhaps she was catching on. That couldn't mean anything good... And to top it all off, Haruhi was winning! Damn his prudish values! If he could just let go of them for a while longer! After all, it couldn't get much worst than-

The entire crowd gasped as Haruhi pressed her lips against Kurokano's. The other girl's eyes widened in surprise before steadily contracting, lids heavy. Their fingers threaded through one another's hair, legs intertwined.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" many a fangirl squealed.

"ME NEXT! ME NEXT!"

"NEW ANNOUNCEMENT!" Emcee Renge blared from her megaphone. "TAMAKI-KUN JUST GOT SERVED!"

The Host King paled as throngs of fangirls and boys alike raced around him to see what all the commotion was about.

"APPARENTLY," Renge continued. "COMMONERS DO IT BETTER!"

"It's alright." The feel of hands massaging at his shoulders only somewhat relieved Tamaki of the stupor he'd so violently fallen into, his eyes still trained on the lip locking couple on the center of the floor. Renge had even given them their own spotlight.

"We'll do better next time," Ana cooed into his ear, her hands creeping their way down his abdomen. "Maybe we should go practi-"

"No," he uttered, barely a whisper.

"Hm?" she frowned.

"I'm sorry, Ana-san." He gently, but firmly removed her hands from his person, bangs shadowing his eyes. "I have to go."

"What?" she grunted, her coy demeanor falling. "After all that?"

He simply walked off into the distance just as 'I Kissed a Girl' by Katy Perry blasted from the speakers.

"YOU FUCKING TEASE!"

He walked faster. And then faster still. But the faster he walked, the faster the tears seemed to fall and before he knew it, he was sobbing into the gargoyle embroidered double doors of his best friend's suite, the trembling in his hands too extreme to even light the droopy blunt hanging from his lips.

"Kyouyaaaaaaaaa!" he sobbed into the narrow division between the doors. They soon parted and he nearly tumbled into the dimly lit parlor, eyes puffy, nose red. Kyouya frowned at him, arms crossed, and gave the obligatory sigh. A dark wooden desk just adjacent from a large, stone fireplace was covered in several ledgers and other documents. Apparently, he'd been working hard on business matters. Or getting some much needed diary writing in. "What is it, Tamaki?"

"H-H-H-Haruhi..." he hyperventilated before breaking out into another sob fest, using the backs of his hands to clumsily wipe the tears away.

Of course. Kyouya inwardly rolled his eyes. Haruhi. Always with the Haruhi... But he simply didn't have the heart to turn him away. Or the stomach to suffer through the inescapable tantrum that it would provoke.

"There, there," he droned in condescending sarcasm as he led the sniffling blonde toward the back of the parlor where a dark leather cot rested against the wall. Tamaki continued to fiddle with a small, red lighter- despite his shaky fingers. It wasn't until he nearly singed his thumb that Kyouya offered to light the damn thing himself.

With one flick, the flame sparked up and the blunt's end blackened and recoiled.

Tamaki took a long drag, holding it in for a few seconds and finally exhaling, his head drooping downward toward his lap. Kyouya lifted one leg upon the cot and leaned his elbow onto it. He would no doubt need a cushion if he was going to survive this.

"Go ahead."

"Haruhi and I were arguing," he sniffed. "And I told her I ate all the ootoro-"

"You ate all the ootoro?" Kyouya's eyes narrowed. Did they think he was made of money?

"No!" Tamaki sobbed. "Not really. I was just being stupid because she was being stupid and I was getting fed up with the whole stupid thing."

An otherwise completely nonsensical sentence, but somehow, it made perfect sense when Tamaki was involved.

"So she got really mad," he sniffed. "And she started drinking and she started dancing with Kurokano-san!" He started blubbering again. "And they started dancing really close and she was trying to make me jealous so I tried to make her jealous, but she wasn't getting jealous and then..." he squeaked. "Then..."

Kyouya's brow twitched. "Then what, Tamaki?"

"THEN SHE MADE OUT WITH KURAKANO-SAAAAN!" he fell into a fit of sobs again, the blunt edging dangerously close to the cot. Kyouya's spectacles glazed over in thought. Well, she was full of surprises, wasn't she? Little bitch.

"Why would she do that, Kyouya?" he whimpered.

Another sigh. "Maybe she's gay," he offered, removing the blunt before it could torch the room and popping it back between Tamaki's lips. "I thought you'd already come to that conclusion."

"But she can't be gay," he whined through the stick.

"Why not?"

"Because..." he sniffed. "Because she can't be gay…"

Kyouya groaned inwardly. His logic had no place here apparently.

"I don't understand." It was Tamaki's turn to sigh as he laid his head against the Shadow King's shoulder and took another drag. "Why doesn't she like me?"

Because you're an idiotic, overbearing, delusional son of a bitch? Kyouya silently inquired. "I don't know, Tamaki."

"Everyone else likes me..." he rambled on. "The football team and that weird, nose-picking kid in the back our class. Even you couldn't resist me, Kyouya."

The Shadow King seethed. Did he have to rub it in? And toy absentmindedly with his jacket's zipper while doing so?

"Not everyone is going to like you," he muttered into the tuft of blonde. "Your grandmother should be proof of that."

"But that's only a matter of time," Tamaki frowned.

"She tried to run you down with her Bentley last week."

"She wasn't really going to hit me!"

"It's the thought that counts, Tamaki."

"That doesn't matter!" he protested, eyes fiery. "They'll like me once they get to know me," he winked through teary eyes.

"I thought they knew you well enough..."

Tamaki shot him a determined glare. "Wanna bet on it?"

"Nope." Because the terrible thing was that he would probably win. The bastard. Still, Kyouya couldn't help the corners of his lips from contorting upward in what he could only designate as some sort of madness. Tamaki's foolish optimism was infectious. Like a disease. A warm, fuzzy sort of disease. Did he just use the word 'fuzzy'? Fuck.

"Well," he half grinned. Godammit. "Looks like you have it all figured out."

"Hm?" Tamaki blinked. "I guess I do, don't I?" He immediately sprang to his feet, forlorn expression completely transformed. "What was I so upset about?" He crossed his arms smugly over his chest.

"Watch out for that-"

"YOWCH!"

"...blunt..."

After disposing of the joint in the desk's ash tray and dousing the mild burn with cold water, approximately ten minutes later, Tamaki had started off toward the door in a chipper mood before abruptly turning on his heel, eyes somewhat hesitant. "Kyouya?"

"Hm?" the boy barely glanced up from his place huddled over the desk.

"Erm..."

"Spit it out, Tamaki."

"What did I do last night?"

Memories of the night before flooded back to him and his temples throbbed. "You acted like a complete and utter dumbass. Nothing out of the ordinary."

The blonde winced, eyes trailing the carpet. "We didn't..."

"No."

"... would you tell me if we did?"

Kyouya sighed and spun the chair around to face him, arms crossed. "Do you really think that badly of me?"

Tamaki frowned, eyebrow raised. "You want me to answer that honestly?"

"Get out," the Shadow King growled and Tamaki happily obliged. Still grumbling, he turned back to his many ledgers only to realize that even diary writing couldn't save him from the shitty mood Tamaki's bipolar bitch fit had just brought on him. Well... He pulled back from the desk and started toward his bedroom. There were always other options...

* * *

Haruhi pulled relentlessly at the thigh of her short shorts as she scaled the hotel walls. Another step. Another wedgie. But she didn't mind as much anymore. Not after those last few long island iced teas and that Mudslide. She had especially liked the Mudslide. And the best part was that she didn't have to pay for anything! Her fangirls had been more than willing to buy her drinks for the rest of the night! Some of them had even taken the trouble of mixing them themselves and adding their own special ingredients! How kind of them! But unfortunately, she was beginning to slip. She gave a tiny gasp as she nearly walked into another wall. She'd known something was wrong when she'd emptied that bowl of punch over Hunny-senpai's head and hadn't remembered a wink of it five minutes later. Or maybe when she'd attempted to dougie with the twins… Either way, her sanity was unraveling by the minute and she needed to get to her bedroom before the threads escaped her fingertips completely. Now what was her room number again? She blinked at the row of black, wooded doors before her and they all tilted in greeting. Goddammit. She had fucked up this time. Maybe… She bit at her bottom lip reluctantly. Maybe Tamaki had been right. Maybe she needed to stop thinking about food so much. And he may have been a wasteful, sexist bastard, but he had broken her fall. Who knows what would have happened if he hadn't been there? And she had to admit that her allegiance to the soy sauce had been a bit disturbing. Even more disturbing was the fact that it had taken a shitload of alcohol to cause her to come to terms with all of this. She sighed as a blurred trio of numbers came into view. It looked slightly more familiar than the other trios of blurred numbers. Yeah. This was probably it. And the door was ajar! She remembered leaving it that way. Kind of. Stumbling through, she sighed and let the door slam behind her before leaning back against the black, polished wood and sliding down to the lush, dark carpet, her legs hanging open in the most unladylike manner. Her head fell back to see the shadowed ceiling spinning above her. Great. She was here. Now how the hell was she supposed to stand back up?

"Haruhi?" a shadowy sihoutte appeared at the rear of the foyer and she blinked dumbly at it in response. Ten seconds later, she nearly shit herself. "Eh…" she began, scrambling to escape from the carpet, but not rising much higher than the doorknob. "S-Sorry! Wrong room."

"Calm down," A small click sounded and the room filled with dim light.

"Shit!" The luminance blared in her head like a stereo.

"It's just me," the voice continued without much sympathy for her predicament.

"Ky-" The hairs at the back of her neck stood up. "Kyouya-senpai?"

His shadow continued to grow until it had enveloped her completely. He stood just above her now, arms crossed, hair ruffled. He was wearing sweatpants and his black button up was undone. He'd probably been sleeping and she was secretly relieved that she couldn't make out his expression through the drunken haze.

He didn't speak for a while and she simply watched as the floor beneath him dipped and then rose again to pass the time. Good thing that she was piss drunk or else she might have died of the ensuing shame.

He gave a short sniff and rubbed at something on his face before finally replying. "You alright?"

"Eh…" Her insides gave a jolt and the dim light suddenly swelled to bright white. "No," she admitted. Fuck. How was she going to avoid him for the rest of her life and pay her debt back at the same time?

"Do you need to use the bathroom?"

"Yeah…" she groaned. "… but I need to…" she grunted. "… make the floor stop spinning first."

A sigh. "Come on." Two hands suddenly took her by the arms and she was hoisted to her feet. If their suites were set up the same way, the bathroom should have been only in the next room. Just a few more steps. One… He led her past the fireplace. Two… She could make out the clear, white linoleum tiles… Thr-

"Fuuuu…"

"At least try to make it past the…"

"Uuuuuunnnnngh…"

"…carpet."

Fifteen minutes later…

The bathroom was a stark blend of black and white. She stood hovered over the dark marble sink, a cap of mouthwash in one hand and a wet cloth in the other. He watched her from his place upon the edge of a sparkling white tub. Awkward silence rushed louder than the running water. Haruhi finally twisted the silver faucet handle leaving only the former before breaking it with a deep sigh. So this was how Tamaki felt. Perhaps she wouldn't be so hard on him next time. She surveyed herself in the mirror. Her brown tresses had been teased and ruffled to no end and the twins' prized mascara was beginning to run. There were tiny hearts drawn about her exposed midriff. When the hell had that happened? She groaned. Never again. But what disturbed her the most wasn't in her appearance but rather what lurked in the backdrop. Those cold grey eyes hadn't shifted since she'd first peered into the glass. He'd simply sat there, gaze fixed on her, occasionally moving to rub at his reddened nose. Normally, the Shadow King's stare didn't unnerve her so much, but something seemed different. Off. Her eyes widened in realization.

"Senpai," she began, placing the cap onto the sink counter. "You're not wearing your glasses."

He leaned back onto the tub's wall, arms crossed, gaze unwavering. "No."

She grimaced. Who would have thought that this steel grey gaze could be even more intimidating than the mysterious, glowing spectacles?

"I er…" she fidgeted with the towel. "… feel a little better now."

Silence.

"…nice bathroom..."

Silence.

"Quit staring at me like that, senpai," she finally groaned, a sliver of her bluntness returning. It at least earned her a half smirk. "If it's about the carpet, I'll clean it myself." She began rummaging in the cabinet just above the basin. "Now where do you keep the Windex?"

"That carpet is made of the finest material," he finally spoke, nearly starling her. "Do you think a commoner's cleaning agent would be enough?" Sighing, he rose from the tub. "Plus Hunny-sepai and Mori-senpai beat those guys into comas. And the twins joined in afterwards. It'll take some work to cover up."

She just frowned. How was it her fault that she was surrounded by homicidal maniacs? "So what? You're raising my debt again?" she sighed. "Look, I know you might have been worried and I'm sorr-"

"Oh, I wasn't worried." He gave a nonchalant shrug as he crossed the sparkling white tiles.

Of course. She'd forgotten who she was talking to.

"But I did go through a lot of trouble…"

"Fine," she groaned and started toward the door, nearly crashing into the toilet bowl instead. Her stability stayed intact as long as she remained still. Movement however, was another story entirely. "I'll pay for the carpet."

He moved to steady her from behind, cool fingers meeting bare shoulders. She nearly flinched.

"There's only one problem," he began, steel orbs locking on to her reflection's gaze.

She swallowed hard.

"I'll need it by tonight."

"Huh?" She pulled out of his reach and spun around, the coolness of his touch leaving her skin chilled. "Why?"

"Nekozawa-senpai made it clear that any damage to this estate is to be repaid immediately."

"… how much is it?" she mumbled, already quite certain that she wouldn't like the answer.

"Probably about 5,000,000 yen".

"5,000,000?" she boomed. "5,000,000 to replace a fucking carpet?"

He frowned. "You probably should have thought about that before you barged in and threw up all over my room floor."

She gulped. Touche. "Well, how am I supposed to get 5,000,000 yen before the night is over?" She could barely walk for fucks sake...

He was smirking now. The gears were clicking, but the cold grey was just as shrouded and unyielding as the usual glass that shielded it. Still, she knew pure evil when she saw it. "I have a few ideas."

"A few ideas?" she frowned. He was starting to sound like Tamaki. Did these people have any grasp on money? "You can't just come across 5,000,000 yen in one night, senpai." She sighed. "I'd have to prostitute myself or something."

He simply stared at her. Was it just her inebriation or was he an inch closer than he'd been a few seconds ago? His disarrayed mane fell messily over slightly reddened eyes- probably from being woken up in the middle of the night. But then his nose was red too. Was he coming down with something? She had found it strange that he hadn't joined in the festivities downstairs. And then there were those two small, but defined marks on either side of his nose. Probably from adjusting his glasses so much. She wondered why he did that. You would think it was some self destructive habit arising from a plethora of very serious problems. Speaking of problems, why weren't they solving her current financial predicament? She'd only mentioned that she'd have to prosti- Her eyes widened a fraction of an inch.

"You're joking," she deadpanned, her fingers gripping the silver basin as she backed into it. God, she hoped he was joking. How would she even go about something like that? Who would regulate it? Was the Shadow King secretly a pimp too?

"Since when have I ever been known to joke about anything?" he frowned. "And calm down. I wouldn't put you on a street corner to pay your debt."

She let out the breath she'd been holding in for the past minute.

"We can take care of it here."

The rigidity crept over her again. "Y-You mean-"

"You wouldn't mind, would you?" He advanced in a serpent's glide, smooth and controlled. "You had no trouble with Kurokano-san-"

"Who told you about that?" she snapped as her feet started backwards, hands caling the cool marble for support. "And that was different. I was drunk."

"Haruhi, you're still drunk." He took her firmly by the wrist as she nearly stumbled over a waste basket.

"That doesn't mean-"

"Then you_ are_ a lesbian?" he raised an eyebrow.

She grimaced as they passed through the threshold and into the moonlit darkness of Kyouya's bedroom, his fingers still locked about her wrist and her struggles doing little to loosen them. Were all six of her clubmates under the impression that a girl would have to gay to refuse them? "Not neccessarily."

Something in his gaze darkened and she swallowed hard.

"I mean you're… attractive and all-"

"Then what's the problem?" He'd started to lead her across the room toward the four poster bed or rather dragging her, the heels of her feet burning carpet. "You wanted to make Tamaki jealous, didn't you?"

"Jealous?" her brow furrowed. "Why would he be jealous? He was just trying to force his stupid belief system off on- OW!"

His grip on her wrist tightened considerably and she glanced up to see him scowling down on her. "You can't be that stupid."

She frowned, confused and terrified. But mostly terrified. Still, she held her ground. "I don't want to make him angry. I was just being immature earlier" she admitted. "Besides, you guys are best friends. You'd have to be a heartless bas…" she trailed off at the memory of who she was talking to. Never mind.

"Fine." He grinned mirthlessly before leaning down, cool lips trailing against her ear. "I can keep a secret." Then with one twist of his wrist, she was sprawled back-first across the gossamer sheets, lengthy limbs straddling her from either side. At a loss for words, she simply blinked up at him as he stared down on her, warm brown meeting icy grey.

"…I get it," she finally found her voice, it's calmness surprising even her. "It's about Tamaki-senpai, isn't it?"

For perhaps the first time in all of their aquaintance, he actually seemed taken off guard.

"Wh-what?" he uttered, barely a whisper.

Her eyes widened. Did he just stutter? She bit her lip before going on. "He was pissed because I tried to take on those two guys by myself," she explained. "You're trying to help me understand why I shouldn't put myself in situations like those. You're trying to prove his point."

He simply blinked at her, eyes uncharacteristically rounded.

She blinked in return.

Blinking again, he lifted a hand and raised his fingers to his lips before promptly bursting out into a fit of muffled laughter, shoulders trembling.

Haruhi gulped, unsure of whether to laugh along or scream as loudly as humanly possible. "S-Senpai?"

"You honestly think that I'd doing this for that dumbass?"

She drew in a deep breath. She had hoped…

"And I was beginning to think you were the smart one," he sighed, thin finers threading through her bangs.

"Stop it," she wrenched away, her breathing more hurried than before. "I don't understand. That's not how you think, senpai. You can't gain anything from sleeping with me!"

Smirking, he leaned in further, fingers snaking up her arms and intertwining with her own. "Not all profit comes in silver and gold, Haruhi."

In another setting the Hallmark card worthy phrase might have been uplifting. Inspiring even. In this scenario, however, it was downright horrifying. She shrank away as the Hallmark card from hell grew progressively more gruesome. He pressed hungry lips against her neck and she shrank deeper into the sheets, her entire body screaming for an escape. How the hell was she supposed to get out of this one? He was physically her superior and the music downstairs boomed so loudly that she could make out the rhythmic throbbing even through the bedroom walls. If she tried to scream, who would hear her? How would he react? Would he become violent? A wave of gut wrenching helplessness and vulnerability suddenly washed over her, soaking, burning into her skin and she started to feel sick again. A persistent stinging began in her eyes and she bit her bottom lip hard enough to break the skin. She would not cry. She'd never been much of a cryer. It wouldn't have done her any good. The tears were like levies threatening to break and if they did, she knew that picking up the pieces might take her a lifetime. And even then, they wouldn't fit exactly right. She had to keep calm, to phase out the sight, sound, touch. She had to pretend that this wasn't happening. She couldn't believe that this was happening. She couldn't believe _him_. She'd known him to be detached, manipulative, money hungry, sometimes moody, slightly sadistic but she never thought he could be_ this_. It didn't make sense. Why? The single word screeched repeatedly in her mind, blaring out the sound around her. Why her? Why now? Why would he do it? Why would he _enjoy_ it? But then…

She stomached just enough courage to venture outside of the safety bubble she'd created. The warm pressure pressed down on her once again, cool sheets pressing into her exposed lower back. The rustling of silk. Her uneven breathing. His lips exploring the skin stretching over her collarbone. Arms wrapped possessively around her waist. His brow was wrinkled a bit too deeply. His movements too rigid. His kisses too angry. Too desperate. She'd seen pleasure. In trashy chick flicks. In her father's expression whenever he brought a new interest home. In a bite of ootoro. This wasn't enjoyment. Not even the sick kind that Nekozawa seemed to get off on. Not even close. If he hadn't had her pinned to a bed, attempting to violate and give her post traumatic stress syndrome for the rest of her life, she might have actually felt a bit sorry for the sick bastard. It was almost as if he was more interested in becoming aroused than actually being aroused. Her thoughts trailed back to that notorious afternoon when she'd caught him defacing school property with Renge. Even then, he seemed cold. Distant. Come to think of it, he never seemed to want her around. He only tolerated her. But why would someone go through the trouble? Why do something like... this if they weren't interested in the first place? Her eyes suddenly lit up.

"Senpai…" she started, a slight tremor in her tone. "Do you even like girls?"

He stopped mid-assault, eyes wide and dare she think it- vulnerable- a deer caught in headlights. "Wh-" Conflicting emotions seemed to flicker back and forth across his carefully controlled features. "What are you talking about?" His fists clenched. "Isn't it obvious?"

I don't know." Sighing in relief as his sudden change in body language confirmed her suspicions, she sank back against the pillows, utterly exhausted. "I'm not convinced," her voice rasped, fingers digging into the cotton as he visibly cringed, his eyes quickly morphing from surprised to furious.

"What are you implying, Haruhi?"

Her back pressed further against the cotton. "Calm down, senpai." She took a deep breath before finding the nerve to look up and stare him in the eye. "There's nothing wrong with being asexual..."

His gaze fell as she met it, a certain defeat slumping his shoulders.

"... or ga-"

"Shut up."

A few thundering moments of silence passed between them. His form finally began to recoil sluggishly, his resolve crumbling away. With an almost painful sigh, he flung himself onto his back, eyes blankly trained on the ceiling. Breathing still shaky, head still in a whirl, she followed suit and they both marveled at the black wooden compartments as if they were the most peculiar things in the universe. He was the first to break the silence.

"… I'm sorry."

Through the haze, a flash of anger struck. "You're sorry?" With her motor functions returning, she jerkily turned her head a few inches to eye him in disbelief. "_You're sorry_?"

His gaze averted from the ceiling to eye her, still as blank as ever and perhaps a bit tired.

"You tried to rape me, senpai," her voice quivered.

"But I didn't," he reminded nonchalantly.

She scowled and he brought a hand up to massage his temples as if suddenly confronted with a headache. "I said I was sorry."

She nearly gaped in response. How did he find the nerve? Would he seriously sit there as if three minutes ago hadn't happened? "S-Senpai," she trembled with underlying anger. "You could go to jail-"

"Are you going to report me?" he frowned, removing a small, black container from his bedside. "You might want to take a few things into consideration first."

"Like what?"

"Ouran is very careful about anything that would tarnish its image. Especially if the case is highly publicized. I would be expelled immediately."

She gulped at the harshness of the situation, but pushed on regardless. "So?"

"So the Host Club would be without a vice president." He fiddled with the container- a glasses case she realized as it popped open. "Do you think they could manage?"

She bit her lip. It was pretty doubtful.

"In addition, you're still in debt to the school for damaged property-"

"How is a bong school proper-"

"Without our arrangement, how do you plan on paying that off?"

She blinked, at a loss for words. "Eh…"

"Your father could be placed on a payment plan, but even at a reduced monthly payment, it would still eat up over half of his income which is more than he can afford." Giving a deep sigh, he slid the familiar frames into place, expression cold, bored even. "Do you understand now?"

"I understand," she replied, shoulders trembling with rage as she inched her way from the sheets, suddenly itching to be as far away from him as possible. "I understand that you're a surprisingly fucked up person, senpai."

He continued to stare at the ceiling, eyes glazing over.

"You can't just attack people, act like nothing happened and blackmail them" she spat, more aggravated than ever at her lack of sufficient clothing. If the idea of bedsheets didn't currently nauseate her, she'd take the entire spread as a cloak. "You have a serious fucking…" she trailed off, her attention drawing to something at his bedside.

"…problem," she breathed, her demeanor suddenly shrinking.

No matter how distant the Shadow King had become, he could still sense the rapid behavioral shift. He tilted his head, eyes widening immediately as they followed her gaze.

"Bath powder." He uncharacteristically dove across the bed to seize the small, white bag, it's snow white contents shifting with the motion. "The Nekozawas offered a complimentary-"

"Bath powder?" she snorted, her eyes trailing the carpet, fingernails drawing crescents into her palms. "You must think I'm fucking st-"

"KYOUYAAAAAAA!"

She started and his eyebrows jumped as Tamaki strolled in unannounced, a pack of Bud Lite and a large, plastic keg in tow. "Do you still have that funnel? I mean I know I said I was never gonna drink again, but I'm feeling better and I saw this thing on commoner's tv that kind of looked like fun where you take turns chugging and WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING HERE?"

A crashing resounded through out the room as both the pack of glass bottles and the keg hit the carpet.

Without a moment's hesitation, Kyouya strode across the room, baggy in hand, and headed for the front door.

"Hey!" the blonde, furious at being ignored, charged after him. "I asked you a qu-MMMPH!".

"Here." Kyouya forced the plastic tube between his lips. "That's what you were looking for, right?" Then before the boy could recover, he picked up speed and exited the room, slamming the door behind him.

Tamaki sputtered into his hands, the funnel joining the beer case and the keg at his feet. Haruhi hurried to the opposite end of the room, pausing at one of the three massive four-paned windows that stretched over the wall. Her shaky fingers gripped the wooden ledge roughly enough to splinter as she stared out into the wide open blackness of the deserted beach. As the image of the supposed "bath powder" flashed before her eyes once again, too long supressed memories rippled into focus and she bit back tears. She would not cry. Especially not in front of this idiot. The soft rumbling of faraway thunder roared somewhere in the distance.

"Haruhi?" Tamaki started, his voice strained. She didn't respond. "What were you doing here?"

With much effort, she managed to find her voice. One that didn't tremor beyond comprehension. "Nothing."

"Nothing?" he barked and she cursed inwardly as the swish of approaching footsteps against a carpet began. "_You expect me to believe that?_ _Why wasn't he wearing a shirt and why is the bed all messed up?_" Her fingers gripped the wood tighter as his accusations dissolved into a whimpering mess. He was probably crying again.

"_And-and-your-mascara-is-running-and-your-shirt-is-all-wrinkled-how-could-you-both-of-you-!_"

"Senpai!" she erupted, unable to completely supress the tremor. Taking a deep breath, she went on. "It was nothing. I wasn't feeling well after I drank so much and I went into the wrong room by mistake. I got sick," she lifted her arm limply in the direction of the soiled towel. "He was just…" she bit her lip a bit too harshly. "…helping."

The hyperventilating behind her quieted a bit. "Haruhi?" he started again, a bit less manic and more concerned. "Are you-"

"I'm sorry," she sighed. "I shouldn't have… downstairs..." Tears threatened to bubble up and she cursed to herself. Why was apologizing making it worse? "Earlier, I was just being really, really… stupid," she whispered the last word in fear of sobbing it as a flash of lightening split the night sky, illuminating the beach for a time.

"It's alright." She could feel him approaching again, his tone irritatingly calm on her ears. The more her composure slipped, the more he seemed to gain. " Haruhi," The feel of hands settling upon her shoulders nearly caused her to flinch. "You're…" His voice was gentle. Aggravatingly gentle. "Are you cry-"

"No!" she pulled away frantically as the thunder roared again, pushing her way around him, bangs shadowing her gaze. "I'm not crying! Why would I be crying?"

It was then that after months of insane stunts, idiotic schemes and general assfoolery, he looked at her as a concerned doctor would eye a patient, as if she were the crazy one. She couldn't take it anymore.

"I need to use the bathroom," she muttered before promptly strolling into the bathroom and locking the door.

"Haruhi!" The banging began and she simply slid down the marble wall to take refuge in her lap, arms cradeling her head.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?" More frantic knocking.

Squeezing her eyes shut, she took one breath in. And another out. One breath in. And another out. Just like before. It had been a while. The bouts were much less frequent than they used to be. She had contained it and locked them away somewhere deep inside. She'd had to. It was just a part of growing up. She couldn't afford to relapse now. Arms massaging at her shoulders, she attempted to focus on long untouched methods. She was ten again, cradeling herself in a similar manner, settled before the shrine. Her father was too busy working as usual and a good thing too. The image would break his heart. Demons in the form of nightmarish memories would thrash at her from every side, emotions too complex for a child seizing her mind. But she would always fight them with the best of times. The three of them walking alongside the ocean. Making pastries. Any memory of her smiling face. Unworn. Untainted. Whole.

But it was difficult now. It was difficult when every demon that she'd triumphed, every living nightmare that she'd banished seemed to revive itself in that cold, conflicted stare. Worn. Tarnished. Broken. It was painfully obvious. Why hadn't she realized before?

"Haruhi!" The voice nudged her from the confines of her mind.

"I'm fine!" she called, her voice more raspy than usual. "I can handle this by myself!"

He was quiet for a while and she was near confident that he had actually taken a hint for once when he began again.

"By yourself?" his tone was softer this time. She heard the sound of cloth sliding against wood. He had crouched down to level with her. "You've always been by yourself, haven't you Haruhi?"

"Hm?" she raised her head just a bit.

"Always alone in your little commoner's shack…"

A bulge rose in her temple. Wasn't he being just a little insensitive?

"You don't feel like you need anyone," he went on with his frank analysis. "That's why you took on those two guys and got your ass kicked today."

"I didn't-"

"It's not a bad thing but…" he paused for a bit. "Don't you get lonely?"

She adjusted her position uncomfortably. "No," she lied through her teeth, blinking away the image of her younger, huddled form and their empty apartment. "I don't."

"You're lying."

"I'm not like you, senpai. I don't need to bitch at someone every five minutes." She could almost feel him cringe. "People have lives. I can't expect them to pause just to baby me every time I'm upset."

"I don't mind," he recovered quickly.

"I'm fine!"

"You don't sound fine."

Couldn't argue with that. "It's okay." She bit her lip, arms still clutched tightly around her person.

"No, it's not," he sighed. "You've been struggling with this for a long time haven't you?"

"Eh?" she blinked, her head rising further away from her lap.

"It must be painful to have to struggle with it for so long," he went on. "And tonight only made it worse, didn't it?"

"H-Huh?" she snapped up to a ninety degree angle, eyes wide. How could he have known?

"If I'd known, we never would have come here tonight," he sighed. "You should have told me."

She tremblingly stood to her feet, her fingers hovering over the onyx lock.

"I'll make sure to check the weather next time."

She blinked. "Eh?"

"You should have told me you were afraid of thunder storms."

A cold draft fell over her entire body only to be aggressively followed by roiling flame. "Senpai!" she flung the door open, knocking the blonde upside the head. "YOU IDIOT!" she cried discretion abandoned, eyes watery. All of this and he thought she'd been frightened by poor weather conditions? And to top it off, he had the nerve to chuckle as he massaged his dumb blonde head, his expression so calm and uncharacteristically serene that she could have slapped it. "You thought…" she huffed and puffed, tears building faster. "How could-"

"It's okay," he stood to his feet, one hand outstretched. "You don't have to do this alone anymore."

The nostalgic bareness that had crept at her every time her father put on that false grin for her sake and excused himself for the night to work suddenly washed over and returning to the cold, empty bathroom thoroughly lost its charm. But she still stood apart from him, ignoring his beckon. "I…" she stammered. "I don't need-"

"You know, accepting help doesn't make you any less stronger," he breathed softly, arm still waiting. "I think being able to reach out is a strength within itself."

She grumbled to herself. And when did his dumbass become so fucking insightful? Did he get that from a fortune cookie?

"D-Don't you have," she forced out, expression tight, tears burning. ", a keg party to get to or something?"

Another chuckle. "I've got time."

Dammit. He really wasn't going anywhere, was he? Her lips quivered, rendering her incapable of making another backhanded retort. Her fists clenched, she lifted her gaze, caught his big, stupid face and that was it. Maybe she'd simply tripped over the rug. Maybe she was still a bit tipsy. Or perhaps she just didn't want him to see her cry. But for whatever reason- even she couldn't quite place it- she raced toward him, forgoing his outstretched hand and burying her face in the white cotton of his button up. Lightening flashed across the room once more and he wrapped his arms around her trembling shoulders , leaning down to rest his forehead against chocolate brown tresses. In turn, she dug her fingernails into the creamy cloth harshly enough to tear the material. She supposed it was worlds better than puncturing half moons into her own palms and shoulders. When she'd played consoler to herself, the comfort had always been desperate, frantic and unstable. But he was steady and calm which unfortunately for her pride, gave her room to be as hysterical as she needed to be. The little trembling ten year old in her head no longer whispered for her to "Hold back. Keep it in." Instead, he was quite clearly outside of her head, whispering at her to, "Go ahead. Let it out." And boy did she let it out. What she'd tried to keep low and muffled had become deep, rumbling sobs- sounds that she wasn't even aware that she could make. She almost expected him to back away in surprise, but he never faltered. Even when her thumbnail finally tore through the fabric. He just breathed more fortune cookie worthy words into her bangs and she sobbed on too busy pouring her soul out onto his shirt to tell him to stuff it.

* * *

"I can't believe you left them alone!" Hikaru speed walked with the urgency down one of the many dark halls of the manor, his brother attempting to keep on his heels. "Tono's the last person I would trust her with-"

"Hikaru," Kaoru panted alongside his twin. "Do you have to walk so fast?"

"I'm sure Haru-chan is fine, Hika-chan," the hobbit reassured the raging ginger as he popped a forkful of Black Forest cake into his mouth.

"Mm."

"Hunny-senpai is right," Kyouya muttered from behind, nose redder than ever as he scratched rather mercilessly at the back of his neck. They all paused outside of his room door. He took the black knob. "Tamaki might be overzealous, but he isn't the ty-"

They all froze in their tracks at the scene before them.

"And if I rope this around your wrist," the blonde kneeled over the commoner who was blindfolded, wads of cotton sticking out of her ears, and decidedly agitated as he tied black lace about her arm. ", and tie the other end to mine, you'll be able to find me even though you can't see!"

"I told you," she sighed, though she supposed his antics did a good job of distracting her from the night's melodrama. "I don't need this, sen-"

"WHAT THE FUCK?"

They both turned toward the door. Tamaki paled to an ashen color.

"N-N- No! You don't understand!"

"What was that?" Haruhi frowned, removing one cotton wad and lifting the blindfold.

"Haruhi…" Kaoru's eye twitched. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Hm?" She glanced down at the black lace and up at the blindfold. The situation would take forever to explain. But she'd walked in on something like this before. What had her father said again? Ah! She remembered! "We were just practicing S&M," she forced a smile.

Tamaki's jaw dropped, crimson spreading over his features like fire. The party at the door zeroed in on Tamaki.

Kyouya blinked in rare disbelief.

"Mm," Mori shook his head in hypocritic disapproval.

"N-No!" the blonde cried, backing away and then turning to the girl. "Haruhi, that's not funny!"

"Hm?" she blinked.

"What kind of pervert are you, Tama-chan?" Hunny shot him a dark gaze.

"Tono," the twins were suddenly hovering over him, arms crossed, eyes accusing.

"GYAAAAAH!" he howled along with the thunder as they all turned on him, leaving a confused commoner in their wake.

* * *

"So S&M doesn't stand for Safety Maneuvers?" she stated blankly from the backseat of the van the next morning.

"Nope," the twins frowned.

Something in her stomach lurched. She always thought there had been something off about that explanation. Damn her twelve year old naiveté. She would never look at her father the same way again.

"Hey Kyouya-senpai!" Hikaru called. "Make sure that pervert is locked in tight!"

Kyouya simply nodded, careful- as he had been all morning- to avoid Haruhi's gaze. She wasn't complaining. Her fingers gripped uncomfortably at the denim of her full, high-waisted, completely unrevealing jeans. If they had any idea who the _real_ pervert was… Shaking the thoughts away, she turned back to the twins.

"Where_ is_ Tamaki-senpai?"

Expressions suddenly sour, they nodded behind her toward the glass division between the backseat and the trunk.

"Eh?" she spun around slowly to see a flushed, flustered Host King banging on the window.

"Soundproof glass," the twins grinned wickedly.

"Senpai?" her eyes widened.

He mouthed something back at her, rapid hand gestures and gushing streams of tears included. When he motioned toward the lock behind him, she realized he was asking her to let him out.

"Don't let that pervert out, Haruhi," Hikaru shook his head.

"He deserves to pay for his crimes," Kaoru added.

"Mm," Mori nodded as he scooted down the middle seats of the van, Hunny right behind him.

"What crimes?" she grumbled. Though she supposed it was odd for someone to carry a blind fold and a black lace rope around. Seriously. She recollected him suddenly whipping the items from his pocket. What was he planning to do with those in the first place? And she would be lying if she said she still wasn't slightly peeved at him for tearing down her barriers and revealing her 'independent woman' complex last night. The feel of his tear soaked button up against her cheeks, his arms encircled around her made her flush in discomfort. How embarrassing. She never cried. At least not hysterically in front of other people while ripping holes in their clothing. She sighed. Was the Host Club weakening her now too? But then…

_You know, accepting help doesn't make you any less stronger,_ the fortune cookie unraveled in her head._ I think being able to reach out is a strength within itself._

Fucking flashbacks. But she smiled despite herself. The faint sound of muffled screeching reached her ears. She supposed she could let him out...

Turning around, she was met with a large, tacky sign reading in various shades of magic marker, "FIND YOUR COMMONERS' SYMPATHY!"

At the next rest stop.

* * *

So that was really energy draining. I don't really like writing drama... I also really don't like writing rape-ish scenes. I don't want to make them too gruesome, but I don't want to make light of them either. Even watching Ouran, I wasn't one of those people watching episode 8 like, "Oh my God, that's so hot!" I was like, "Oh My God! -covers eyes- What a dick!" So that was really difficult actually. I still don't like the way I wrote it. I also don't like it because it seems like the more I write, the more irredeemable Kyouya becomes. I mean he's a canon bastard, but his bastard level is through the roof in this fic. Though it is also pretty creepy to _pretend_ to rape someone. I mean, really? Who does that? But I do worry about how the hell am I going to make him remotely respectable by the end of this story? Well... I have a few ideas. Probably not very good ones though. X.X

I'm also sorry if this chapter was a bit confusing. I never really let on what Haruhi is so upset about. That's for later. You could guess it if you really tried though. It is ALSO very offensive. It's funny because I have all these horrible, terrible ideas that I make light of and then I finally write them out and I'm like, "Damn! That's fucked up!"

The beginning of the story was really fun to write though. I wanted to use the manga as more of a guideline when it came to Haruhi and Tamaki's argument. I always thought it was funnier in the manga. It was a bit more of a prolonged fight. Tamaki ate all of the ootoro (for real actually) and she attempted to stab him with a crab claw. It was great. Yay violence.

Also, I'm sorry about the whole, cheesy... Tamaki/Haruhi thing toward the end, but someone's got to have morals in this fic or else I think God would have already struck me down where I type.

Next is the Lobelia chapter. Should be a lot easier. I think. I never know anymore!

Thank you so much for reading and please review! Give me your thoughts, your likes and dislikes. And any ideas you might have for next chapter.


	18. Attack of the Lesbian Orgy!

"Two bags," Haruhi's voice only wavered slightly. She stood at the tail end of a dark alley that floated somewhere between a run down WacDonald's and a rumored abortion clinic masquerading as a shoddy convenience shop. Two men in black hoodies and torn jeans hovered over her, the wreak of alcohol and years of tooth decay hanging on every breath. The taller man examined the wad of bills she had just handed him for a few seconds before turning his hooded gaze back on her.

"This is only enough for one."

"Are you kidding?" Her fists clenched inside the pockets of her own grey hoodie. "That's two thousand yen! It's more than enough!"

She could barely make out a grimy sneer from under the other man's cloth.

"You ain't foolin nobody, kid. We know who sent you."

She swallowed hard. The jig was up. "Eh..."

"It's them two pretty boy swindlers from Ourin Academy, ain't it?"

"Ouran," she corrected nervously and instantly regretted it.

"Shut up," the taller of the two leaned in, the smell of rot clouding her nostrils. "Them two fags owe me money."

Haruhi silently cursed to herself. She should've known there was a reason the twins had sent her into the city for their weekly shroom fix besides her familiarity with the neighborhood. It was her own fault. She should have learned her lesson by now. The lesson being never trust two whores on drugs. As quickly as she'd entered the vacant alley, she started backward, her heels feeling for ground and hoping to find an exit.

"Sorry, I bothered you" she bowed, her feet picking up speed. "Forget the shrooms. I'll just-"

"Fuck that shit!" Yellow Tooth cried out, his fist coming down on the dark brick wall of the clinic. "We ain't never gonna get our money back if we let this kid go!"

His partner turned to face her, gears clicking. She could just make out weathered eyes surveying her from beneath the hoodie. Something flickered there and her pupils expanded just as the two started toward her.

"Shit!" she hissed, before making an abrupt about face and sprinting from the alley as fast as her short ass legs could carry her. Shit. Shit! Shit. Shit! The curse flip flopped over and over in her brain as she sped down deserted Tokyo streets that had been long abandoned save for the seedier crowd. She couldn't wait to let those bastards have it! Last time she did them any favors!

Her foot caught on the curb and she went flying over the sidewalk, sprawling palms first upon the concrete. Cursing at the pain in her wrists, she struggled to stand.

"Too late," a familiar voice snarled from behind her. The hurried footsteps slowed and circled. She felt a hand clasping her roughly around the neck.

"How much you think the Hitachiins'd pay for this kid?" her captor asked before leanind down to address her. "Think they'd even care about your dumb ass?"

She froze in response. How much _would_ the twins agree to fork over before it was time to find a new "toy"?

"It don't matter." More footsteps. "Someone somewhere'll pay kindly for him."

Another hand yanked her backwards by the hair when suddenly...

"GYAAAAAAAH!" the shorter man cried and Haruhi whipped around with curiosity.

A girl of small stature- about as short as her- stood in assault mode, one black denim clad leg launched out, her bright, dancing eyes adorable, but dangerous. Haruhi was fleetingly reminded of her favorite bipolar hobbit. The man kneeled, clutching his stomach just inches from her perfectly pointed toe. Her leg then seamlessly swiveled back to her side and she turned to glance over Haruhi's shoulder, her leather jacket whipping in the wind.

"Chizuru", she called perkily.

"Already there," a soft, melodious voice responded with a sync that rivaled the twins'.

"WHAT THE F-" The fingers' grasp on Haruhi's locks loosened and she turned around just in time to see her hooded captor's eyes roll to the back of his head before sinking clumsily to the concrete. Meanwhile, Yellow Tooth scrambled down the side walk, hands still gripping his sides as he vanished into yet another alleyway. The other girl- who she assumed to be Chizuru- stomped a leather knee high boot down upon her conquest, black skirts billowing in the wind. Long dirty blonde tresses cascaded over her shoulders. Haruhi squinted at the purple label inscribed across both their leather jackets.

"Zuka?" she breathed.

"Hinako!" a deeper voice called. "Chizuru!"

"Benio!" they both squealed in delight.

Haruhi noticed a jet black motor bike parked across the street. 'ZUKA' was inscribed across the bike's side in flamboyant lettering. It's rider, suited up completely in black biker gear- gloves and all- took a graceful leap onto the walk. The tall figure started toward them, lifting the dark helmet from their crown and flipping their bangs in a manner that a Cover Girl model might have envied. Brunette tresses fell over daring eyes and they claimed one target- her.

"Good girls," Benio finally reached them, slipping one hand down Chizuru's back to give her a squeeze. The girl responded with a feisty growl, but Benio's eyes never left Haruhi. The boy's... or was he a she? Haruhi's gaze narrowed. She couldn't quite see through this person's androgyny and that was saying something for the daughter of a transvestite who spent day in and day out with the prettiest boys in school. She'd been concentrating so hard that she was genuinely surprised when she snapped out of it to see Benio hovering just over her, her fingers gently caressing the underside of her chin.

"Er... Thank y-"

"Haruhi Fujioka."

Haruhi's eyes widened. "How do you kn-"

"I knew you were one of us the moment I laid eyes on you."

"Huh?" Haruhi's brow furrowed. "I don't-"

"Shhh." Benio placed one finger over her lips, a sultry grin slipping over her own. "It's time for your coming out party."

* * *

"Where is she?!" the Host King sauntered back and forth across the club room, fingers grasping at his golden tresses. "She should've been here an hour ago!" He sighed into the folded biker's jacket and denim pants in hand. They had been specifically contoured to fit the commoner for today's theme. They all wore matching waist length leather coats, a blue 'Ouran' engraved across the back. The hobbit's bore a pink bunny on it's collar.

"Maybe she's in the bathroom, Tama-chan," Hunny offered. "Did you see how much she had for lunch today?" There had to be some way that she kept her weight down. No one who ate that much could naturally be that skinny! It just wouldn't be fair!

Tamaki shook his head rapidly. "No, it isn't like her to be this late." He turned to his vice president. "Did she mention anything to you, Kyouya?"

The boy simply shook his head. Haruhi hadn't mentioned a thing. In fact, they had done a remarkable job of avoiding one another all day long. Nothing could compare to his relief when he entered the third music room to find that she hadn't yet arrived save for maybe the fact that an hour had passed and there was still no sight of her. Perhaps she would take the whole day off. Maybe a week. A rare glimmer of hope rose in his gut. Anything to avoid facing her sober. Anything to dodge the gravity and severe embarrassment of the situation he had so recklessly placed himself in just that past weekend.

Fortunately unable to read minds, Tamaki just gloomed, fear quickly ballooning the whites of his eyes. "What if she's been kidnapped?!" he cried. "Or worse!" Accusing eyes zeroed in on Kyouya. The megane nearly flinched under his scrutiny.

"I saw Renge blowing kisses at her today in the hallway!"

"So what, Tamaki?" Kyouya grimaced at the name of the second half of what was rising to be the school's most notorious dysfunctional couple- the first half being himself of course. "She was probably just trying to make me jealous."

"And where is she now?!" the blonde demanded. "Shouldn't you keep better tabs on your girlfriend?!"

"She's not my girlfriend."

"I'M NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND?" Renge bolted from the woodwork as if she'd been carved into one of the music room's intricately sculpted pink pillars.

The argument quickly dissolved into a Jerry Springer episode and across the room, the twins exchanged nervous glances.

"Haruhi should have been back by now," Kaoru bit at his bottom lip, eyes rising to meet his brothers. "You don't think..." he trailed off.

"No way," Hikaru shook his head in his usual denial. "She probably just got lost."

"In her own neighborhood?"

"Kaoru," Hikaru sighed at the ignorance of his younger brother. "Don't you know? Commoners communities are like mazes. They can't even afford street signs."

"Oh..." Kaoru frowned, giving it perhaps an undeserved amount of thought. "Are you sure that's tr-"

"Don't let Tono's delerium get to you," Hikaru cut in before dodging the flying IPhone that Renge had furiously launched at her beloved's dome. "Next thing you know, he'll be saying she was kidnapped by some psycho pack of lesbians."

The double doors of the music room suddenly sprung apart and greeted the walls with two loud thuds. Three shadowy figures appeared in the doorway, a motorcycle poised just behind them. Before anyone could question just how in the hell they'd dragged the bike up three flights of stairs, two of the figures moved forward.

"This is it?" the shorter girl inquired mockingly, laughter bubbling just below her insipid tone. She surveyed the sparkly pink music room and it's many rosy sofas in disdain.

"I think so, Hinako," the sultry voice of the other girl carried across the room. "Look at this drag show..."

"Hm?" Tamaki blinked from the place where he'd been trying to keep Renge from tearing his best friend's throat out and Kyouya from retaliating mercilessly, palms still pressed against both their foreheads. Shooting Kyouya a warning look, he started toward the two girls. Thank goodness that they'd shown up now. Sure, they were a little early, but he was beginning to experience attention withdrawal as no one had praised his looks, brain, charm, or overall person in the last fifteen minutes.

"You aren't happy with this?" he glided toward the long haired girl, eyes alluring, smile glistening like that of a Crest toothpaste model. Both girls made gagging motions with their index fingers, tongues wagging freely.

"Then tell me," he gently reached out to take her chin, willing her gaze to meet his. "What would you prefer? I'm sure we can- GYAH!"

"Don't fucking touch her."

Tamaki gazed up from his place cowering on the shiny tiles of the music room floor to see a boy hovering over him, still sporting the bulky bike helmet that he'd just wacked him upside the head with. Just below, pulled tightly to his waist stood a bewildered commoner.

"Haruhi?!" Tamaki's eyes widened, his shock quickly transforming into relief. "Haruhi! You're alive!" He started toward her, arms spread. "I was so worried! I thought you'd been-!"

"Ah, ah ah!" Benio waved a finger before the Host King's dumb expression, pulling Haruhi closer to her side. "She doesn't want to talk to you."

"Hey!" The commoner started to protest as her breathing was stifled by a gratuitous amount of side boob. Her breath caught. "You're a girl?!"

"Eh?!" Tamaki demanded, articulate as always, panic rising. "You're a girl?!" He examined the boyish figure before him. Her androgyny was legendary. And for someone who gazed upon his own reflection daily, that was certainly saying something. His eyes dropped to the area where Haruhi was pinned against her mammaries and red immediately invaded both his cheeks and his vision.

"What the hell are you doing?! That's sexual harassment! " He reached one gloved hand out for his daughter. "Don't you have any sha-"

He stopped mid-sentence as a searing blow met with his cheek and a loud slapping reverberating across the room. The rest of Host Club turned their rapt attention away from Kyouya and Renge and onto the more recent conflict. Haruhi blinked, dumbfounded. Benio just lowered her hand and crossed her arms, eyes daring.

"Y..." Tamaki trailed off, eyes wide. He reached up gradually, his fingertips caressing his rapidly reddening cheek. Slowly, but surely, the floodgates began to part. "You hit me!" he cried, realization finally dawning on him. "She hit me!"

"Nice one!" Renge halted her murder attempts to cheer the girl on.

"Oh my God, that was so mean!" Tamaki bawled, still clutching his cheek. "I didn't even do anything!"

"What a little bitch," Benio surveyed him in distaste as he danced about, whining and fretting. She frowned down on the shorter girl. "This is what you have to put up with daily?"

"Yeah," Haruhi sighed hopelessly, though sympathy played at the edge of her tone. "But you didn't have to-"

"And who the fuck is this dike?" She recognized the voice as Hikaru's and glanced up to see the rest of the Host Club making their way toward their fallen king. Hunny handed him his favorite teddy bear while Mori massaged at his shoulders. Kyouya simply surveyed the girls with curiosity and tried his damndest not to meet Haruhi's gaze. The twins stepped around the blonde to fold their arms and lean in. No one abused their favorite virgin and got away with it. Except for them of course. And maybe Renge. And Haruhi of course. And... okay, it was an entertaining pastime regardless of the perpetrator, but something about these three rubbed them the wrong way.

"Hey, didn't you read the sign?" Kaoru frowned.

"No flaming lesbos allowed," they recited together.

"It doesn't say tha-"

"Shut up, Haruhi," they droned.

Chizuru laughed that sultry laugh. "And I guess flaming faggots are perfectly acceptable?"

"Cut the bullshit," Kyouya sighed, expression bored. "What do you want?"

"We came to rescue her, of course," Benio motioned to Haruhi.

"HER?" the club and Renge erupted.

"Haruhi is a boy!" Tamaki sobbed from his place on the ground, Kuma-chan at his side.

"Put a dick in it, bitch," Benio zeroed in on him, earning her a flinch, before turning back to Haruhi, lengthy fingers knitting through the commoners dark tresses. "I knew it from the moment I first saw her." Her fingers traced down Haruhi's cheek. "Uninhibited. Wild." They danced down the line of her neck toward her collarbone. "Perfectly irresistible. How could anyone deny all that raw, feminine energy?"

"Eh?" Every eye in the room turned to Haruhi.

"... when did this happen, Haru-chan?" Hunny frowned.

"Is there something you're not telling us?" the twins raised their eye brows. And how could they get in on it?

"It's simple really," Renge offered an explanation and they looked on eagerly as she pulled an IPad from a pink Michael Koors case. "After the success of our beach party, I just had to put all the best parts online for the world to see!" she giggled excitedly. "Of course that included Haruhi's face off with Kurokano-san against Tamaki-kun and the school whore!"

The familiar scene started up within the confines of the boxy IPad screen. Katy Perry and the commoner's drunken whoops could be heard and present day Haruhi hung her head in deep, deep shame. Worst. Night. Ever.

"Youtube?!" Tamaki screeched, almost as pale as his daughter. "Renge, you didn't!"

"Shut up, you Sue bitch," she deadpanned almost as well as Haruhi. "Anyway! I can see why they'd mistake you as a girl, Haruhi-kun! If you weren't so sexy, this video would have never garnered a million views! But unfortunately," she yawned. "I'm not really into the lesbian scene, so I'll have to be going." She strutted toward the music room entrance, low riding jeans hugging at her hips. "By the way, Kyouya, I've scheduled a couple's counseling session tomorrow morning at 6." She stopped just short of the door. "Don't forget."

"And how much is that going to cost me?"

"DON'T FORGET!"

The door's slamming echoed across the room, leaving them all in a thick, but very short-lived silence.

"Haruhi's not interested." The twins promptly broke it.

"She's hanging around the so-called hottest guys in school and she's not interested in any of you," Chizuru scoffed.

"Obviously a closet case," Hinako giggled.

"Besides," Chizuru started again. "Why would a babe like her want to hang around a bunch of misogynistic idiots when she could have us?" She wrapped her arms around Benio's neck and the youngest of the three joined them in a sensual embrace.

"... okay, that's kind of hot." Hikaru admitted.

"But," Kaoru continued. "Haruhi-"

"HARUHI! IT'S AN ORGY!" Tamaki raced toward her, barely dodging another lashing from Benio. "IT'S A LESBIAN ORGY! YOU HAVE TO GET AWAY!"

The lesbian orgy gave three bored sighs as he tripped over his own feet and stumbled head first into a wall.

"SHIIIIIIIIT!" he cried, hands clutching at his head and knee simutaneously.

"Don't you know when to quit?" Benio sighed before turning to her latest interest. But she was no where to be found. She gazed down to see the commoner tending to the blonde.

"Haruhi..." Tamaki moaned to the girl at his side. She'd removed a water bottle and small blue container from her briefcase. "You're not going to join the lesbian orgy, are you?"

She sighed at the insanity of the question, but she supposed she should be civil. After all, she still hadn't properly thanked him for the past weekend. She could afford to be a bit nicer than usual. "Here." She popped the top off of the container and shook it. One brown tablet fell into his hand. "This'll make you feel better."

"What is it?" he stared suspiciously at the pill, his other hand still nursing his head.

"It's a multi-vitamin..." Haruhi handed him the water bottle.

Tamaki just stared at it as if it were some alien technology. "Don't you have something for headaches?"

"No," Haruhi muttered, slightly annoyed. Excuse her if her medicine didn't fit his wealthy tastes... Rich bastards... "You can take these for lots of different problems. They don't have just one purpose," she explained. "Plus it's cheaper to buy just one type of vitamin." And ever since she could remember, her father had encouraged her to take multi-vitamins for everything. The common cold. Chicken pox. Ear infections. Paper cuts. It was just the Fujioka way...

"Not just one purpose..." the blonde stared thoughtfully at the pill before averting his attention to the water bottle. "Haruhi, this is half full."

"Yeah, so?" she raised an eyebrow.

"Did you drink from this?"

"Yeah," she shrugged. "It's cool. I don't mind."

He blinked at her, cheeks deepening to an odd shade of plum, but before he could lift the bottle to his lips, it had been snatched from his fingers.

"NO INDIRECT KISSES!" Benio raged, promptly knocking him upside the head with the bottle.

"Hey, leave him alone," Haruhi scowled as she stood to her feet. "You'll give him a concussion."

"That bitch isn't worth protecting, Haruhi," Benio stared down haughtily at the miserable Host King. "After all, he's the one holding you here under false pretenses."

"Hm?' she frowned. False pretenses? She ran into school property, broke it and now she was paying the price. That was all there was to it, right? True, a bong shouldn't have been covered under school property in the first place and the rich bastards could have paid for another one themselves. But it wouldn't really be fair to ask their parents to cough up the money for another one. And they couldn't just waive it. It wasn't like either of their fathers were the headmaster of the school or anything.

"His father is the headmaster of the school."

"Eh?" The old glint of coldness returned to her eyes and she stood to her feet, arms crossed. "Your father is the fucking headmaster?"

He whimpered. "Haruhi!" he begged, bouncing up from his spot on the ground. "I was going to tell you!"

"After you worked me like a dog!"

He backed away as if wounded, eyes pained. "Is that how you feel?! Is that what the Host Club is to you?!"

"He's also half french." Benio smirked.

Haruhi scowled. "You're fucking French?!"

"... yeah." He shrugged, brow furrowed. "Why does that even matter, Haruhi?!"

Yeah, why did that even matter? She shook her head. Information overload. She was getting her priorities screwed up. The point was...

"I can't believe your father is the headmaster!" she snarled. "You said you guys were on bad terms with him! And that's why I couldn't bother him about the bong!"

"I'm so sorry, Haruhi!" he cried. Once again using his teleportation abilities, he was suddenly kneeling at her side, arms stretched around her waist. "I'll make it up to you! I promise! Just please don't join the lesbian orgy!"

"Get off!" She pummeled him with her briefcase, her former sympathy long forgotten. Turning to the rest of the club, her eyes narrowed. They'd all known of course. "Anything else you guys have been hiding from me?"

"They've been selling your underwear on Ebay," Chizuru answered for them.

"I bought a pair!" Hinako squealed.

"SHUT UP!" Tamaki barked at the trio. "Haruhi! Please!"

But she wasn't paying the virgin any mind. Her gaze had narrowed in on their vice president AKA treasurer. All of the disgust and animosity of that past weekend clashed against her current anger and a storm brewed within her eyes. The Shadow King fought somewhere between the urge to grab a camera and to become invisible. Still he kept his ever crumbling cool.

"_What?_"

"You have some nerve." She lifted a shaky finger.

"I only sold them," he shrugged. "You can take their confiscation up with the twins."

Both devils blanched.

"Why am I not surprised?"

"Hey, easy, Haruhi." They gave her a bored look.

"It's not like we don't sell our underwear too," Kaoru shrugged.

"And it's not just underwear," Hikaru went on.

"We stole your pens, homework... bras..."

"You don't really need those anyway."

"DON'T YOU TWO ASSHOLES KNOW WHEN TO SHUT THE FUCK UP?!" Tamaki blared.

Smirking, Benio turned to Haruhi, Chizuru and Hinako nuzzling at her side. "What do you say Haruhi?" She offered her hand. "Are you ready to ditch these sexist bastards and join the Zuka club?"

Haruhi just sighed. She had a lot to think about.

"I'm going home." She started toward the door, Tamaki still clamped tightly to her waist.

"Anywhere's better than here," Hinako giggled as she blew the commoner a kiss.

Chizuru leaned into her, ignoring the rabid blonde draped around her waist. "Come dance with us tonight." She slipped a card into her pants pocket.

"Yeah, maybe," she grunted.

"We'll be expecting you," Benio leaned in, planting one chaste kiss upon Haruhi's lips before starting toward the entrance. There was no fanfare- besides the sounds of Tamaki's desperate, incoherent wailing- as they exited the room. The sound of a motorbike revving and then speeding god knows where briefly filled their ears and then vanished as soon as it had came. Haruhi turned to observe the rest of the club, a deep darkness hovering over her usually blank expression. It only took one very sharp pinch to release Tamaki's hold on her.

"Eh..." Tamaki sniffed, the backs of his hands scrubbing at tears. "Haruhi..."

"Seriously," she scowled. "Fuck you guys." And with that, she paced to the door and exited the room. Tamaki fell into a fit upon the music room floor shortly after.

"Look what you idiots did!" he targeted the twins, floods gushing. "Now she hates us!"

"It's not our fault, Tono," Hikaru sighed as he fell upon one of the couches.

Kaoru followed soon after. "Those dike bitches told everything..."

"What if Haru-chan never comes back?!" the hobbit whimpered.

"Mm." Mori frowned.

"She hasn't even paid off half her debt," Kyouya put in so that he didn't appear to be a remorseless bastard.

"Calm down, men." Tamaki had lifted a blunt to his lips and was desperately attempting to light it. He succeeded after a few moments of singed fingertips and overall failure and the taste of watermelon danced upon his palette. Ah, he felt better already. "Something'll come to me."

* * *

Thirty minutes later...

"So like..." Tamaki started from his place upon the rosy sofa, arms draped over its back. "I have a_ really_ good idea! I mean this is like... cosmic... like out of this world..."

The twins groaned from beside him. "I think you had too much, Tono."

"Mmhmhmhm." Mori gave his rare version of laughter from the sofa across the table, his own blunt smoking between his lips.

"See Mori-senpai knows what I'm talking about!"

"Ah." The giant responded with the peace sign.

"It's like..." Tamaki leaned forward. "Normally, I don't have any idea what the fuck you're thinking about, but right now we've got like this crazy connection!" He used two fingers to wave back and forth between his eyes and his senpai.

"Mm." Mori nodded and mimicked the motion.

"Like I'm totally feeling your energy righ-"

"This isn't a fucking yoga class, Tama- chan," the hobbit growled darkly, his fingers curled possessively about his cousin's.

Everyone eyed him warily.

"I mean!" He smiled cutely in lightening fast recovery. "What's your plan, Tama-chan?!"

"Okay," he grinned smugly, brushing Hunny's outburst off like dust from his shoulder, and leaned back onto the couch. "Let's be a lesbian orgy."

"... what?" they uttered in a blend of surprise, fear and disgust.

"Let's do it!" He glanced around to hit everyone with his best salesman's stare. "If my daughter wants a lesbian orgy, that's what she'll get!"

"But don't you need lesbians for a lesbian orgy, Tono?" Hikaru challenged.

"Well, of course."

"And where are you planning on getting those?"

"Well, first," he took another drag. "We'll need to go shopping."

* * *

Seven hours later...

A tall, blonde girl primped before a mirrored wall toward the rear of a dimly lit chamber, fussing incessantly with her long, wavy hair. She reached down to pull at the edges of a pink, ruffled skirt before drawing her hands up her sides where a silky cream camisole hugged at her waist. She pulled a rosy, satin blouse on and examined herself. No. She frowned, arms crossed. Not quite enough... Ah! She knew how to fix that. Smirking, she rolled up her sleeves past the elbows and tied the blouse just below her breastbone. Perfection! What lesbian commoner could resist her now?! Sighing in satisfaction, she stepped back to take in the whole picture from her tussled blonde locks to her five inch pink heels.

"Oh my God!" she clasped her hands to her cheeks. "I look so gorgeous!" She hugged herself before throwing a come hither stare over her shoulder. "Would you do me?"

A brunette girl seated at the vanity just behind her simply grumbled in response.

"I would," she answered her own question a bit too huskily to be considered feminine before prancing across the tiled floor of the tiny fitting room toward the other girl. The difference between their style likened to day and night. The latter wore her dark hair in a very high ponytail, two wisps falling on either side of her heavily rimmed designer frames. Black and purple make up accented the lines of her eyes and her lips. Dark denim capris crawled down her legs meeting with a a deep lavender halter top. A short, black waist jacket finished off the ensemble. She gazed up to meet the blonde's eyes as if daring her to say something. She took the bait.

"You look like a hipster goth," the blonde's nose wrinkled.

"And you look like a slut," the brunette responded, brow twitching. "Besides, this wasn't my idea in the first-"

"TAMA-CHAN! KYOU-CHAN!" the now considerably more feminine hobbit burst into the room, pigtails bouncing, lollipop in hand.

"Hunny-senpai!" the slut's eyes sparkled. "You look so adorable!"

"I know!" Hunny spun around, his pastel pink sundress swishing about his thighs. "Hika-chan and Kao-chan said I'd bring all the pedo lesbians to the yard!" He gave his lollipop a suggestive swipe. "I can't wait to show Takashi!"

"Eh..."

"You guys look really good too!" he changed the subject before everyone got too uncomfortable. "You look like a Barbie doll, Tama-chan!"

Tamaki beamed with pride. Did Haruhi ever play with Barbie dolls, he wondered.

"I dunno," a voice called from the doorway.

"Tono's donk looks kind of fat," another finished.

"WHAT?!" The blonde was at the mirror again, kneeling over and bending down to catch his rump from every angle. "No, it doesn't! How could you say that?!"

"Just being honest," they both shrugged, now filing their already perfectly manicured nails. They wore off the shoulder turquoise tops, their waists just peaking out from their micro mini skirts, manhood tucked away god knows where. Their wigs were cut into perfectly layered scene styles, make up perfect.

"Kyouya!" the blonde sobbed. "Does my ass really look fat?!"

"My ass doesn't look fat, does it?!" the hobbit demanded, eyes panicked.

"Mm." They heard a familiar grunt from outside of the fitting room.

"Hm?" the twins stared to their right. "What's wrong, Mori-senpai?"

"Mm..." They could hear the embarrassment in his tone.

"Come on, Mori-senpai!" Tamaki cheered him on. "Don't be shy!"

"Come on, Takashi!" Hunny joined in.

"Yeah!" Hikaru egged him on.

"We didn't do all that contouring for nothing!" Kaoru groaned. After spending the last two hours beautifying his club mates, he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to see another cosmetics bag in his life.

"Mmm..." Reluctance. "Okay."

They all looked on in curiosity as the second eldest host walked into the room... and then promptly fought the urge to gag.

All of the contouring in the world couldn't minimize the giant's overt masculinity. A short, layered cut bobbed at the side of his chiseled jaw. Red color smeared his lips, complimenting the purple shadow above his eyes. Unthinkably tight skinny jeans clamped over his buttocks. A royal blue corset with a red rose design squeezed over his torso, leaving wide, broad shoulders bare. One of the corset's fastenings popped open.

The twins promptly fell into a fit of giggles and Mori hung his head low.

"Hey!" Tamaki whacked Hikaru upside the head with a white Louis Vutton bag. "Aren't you two assholes into fashion design?!" The bag met with Kaoru's head. "You couldn't have found him something better to wear?"

Backing away from the offending purse, they both shrugged.

"We don't work miracles, Tono."

"Mori-senpai's just too manly."

"Well, you made me look passable and I'm manly!"

They both snorted. "You're kidding, right?"

Kyouya sighed as argument quickly dissolved into a Tom and Jerry scene, the expensive bag whipping all over the place. He'd planned on selling it on Ebay afterwards. How could he sell it for triple its original price if it was in poor condition?

"Enough!" he snarled as the over priced leather came down particularly hard on the crown of Hikaru's wig. "Tamaki," he turned to the blonde. "Club Zuka opens at 10 PM. It's 9:47."

"Yeah, so what?" Kaoru shrugged as he massaged at his brother's sore head.

"Who goes to a club when it first opens anyway?" Hikaru frowned. "Everyone knows you wait at least a couple of hours..."

The Shadow King rolled his eyes. "Does Haruhi strike you as the most club savvy person?"

Tamaki gasped, the bag immediately falling upon the fitting room floor to Kyouya's dismay.

"He's right!" the blonde cried. "Haruhi is too much of an ignorant bookworm to know something like that!"

"Maybe she'll get bored and go home, Tama-chan," the hobbit offered.

"No, Hunny-senpai!" he blared and the shorter boy ran to hide behind his cousin. "If Haruhi gets there early, she'll go sit by herself and read or something nerdy like that! Then she'll catch the eye of the big lesbian in the back and-"

"The big lesbian in the back?" The twins raised two eyebrows. "Who the hell is the big lesbian in the back?"

"Haven't you ever seen a movie with a lesbian club scene?!" he cried exasperated. "There's always a big lesbian in the back of the club in a smoky dark corner-"

"What kinds of movies have you been watching, Tono?"

"- waiting to prey on any unsuspecting girls who are confused about their sexuality!"

"WAAAAH!" the hobbit cried. "Tama-chan! How do we save Haru-chan from the lesbian?!"

"There's only one way, Hunny-senpai," Tamaki spoke lowly, eyes solemn. "We have to show her that we're better lesbians than the big lesbian in the back and those scary girls at the club today could ever be!" Hands on his hips, he turned to the rest of the club with as much sass as he could muster. And that was a lot of sass. "Are we ready girls?"

"Ready," the twins exchanged mischievous glances.

"Ready!" the hobbit twisted the ends of a golden pigtail about his pinky finger.

"Ah." Mori pulled a patch of denim out of his ass.

"Whatever," Kyouya mumbled in hipster goth nature.

With that, they all strutted out of the Neiman Marcus fitting room, leaving the trail of confused salespeople and customers to ponder the disappearance of the handsome group of young men that had entered there just a couple of hours ago.

* * *

I HAVE RETURNED! Not going to promise anything this time since I keep doing this thing where I'm like, "OMG! IM SOOOOO SORRY! I PROMISE I'LL UPDATE ON TIME **NEXT TIME**!" and it's gotten pretty old. But I will try. That's a guarantee. The good news is I've already written the next chapter. I just have to edit it and it's good to go. Thank you to anyone who is still reading. So much love.

Also, I know I'm thinking a little ahead here, but I'm trying to come up with story ideas for the** Alice and Wonderland chapter.** I don't want to parody Alice in Wonderland because it would be too close to the original. Any suggestions? I'm planning to get at least 3 ideas and then have people vote on them eventually. Thank you guys. Please review!


	19. Crashing Club Zuka

Haruhi sat quite bored at one of the many circular tables that floated about the bar area. She wasn't quite sure why she'd come here tonight. Perhaps she just wanted to show her appreciation to the girls for saving her life from kidnapping drug dealers. Perhaps she was tired of spending all of her free time with a bunch of hormonal pretty boys and wanted to switch it up for the night. Or maybe she really was a lesbian closet case like Tamaki constantly accused her of being. Sighing, she took in the looming cathedral surrounding her. Or at least that's what the club ironically resembled. High, meticulously crafted ceilings where European influenced sculptures of anachronistic women had been chiseled into the plaster. Platforms where girls danced in long tailed tuxedo jackets and top hats scaled the walls. Strobe lights swept over her, changing their color with every new song that blasted from the dance floor speakers near the front of the building. At the very center sat a large stage where the most talented of dancers took to show off their moves. But hardly anyone was around to watch. Haruhi sighed, eying the time on her plastic, cereal box watch. The card said the club opened at 10 PM. Why was there hardly anyone here? Sighing, she glanced over her shoulder to see a rather large girl in a baseball cap eying her from the back of the club where a smoky haze had settled in. The girl smiled and beckoned her with a finger, but before she could even consider whether to oblige or move closer to the stage, three hands clasped down on her shoulders.

"I knew you would come," Benio stood over her, dressed in the same sexy tux ensemble as the platform dancers. "Welcome to Club Zuka!" she purred in Haruhi's ear before tapping at the girl's cheek with a long, black cane. Chizuru and Hinako took to her sides, also decked out in penguin garb sans cane.

"Do you guys always match?" Haruhi frowned, twisting her face away from the cane.

Promptly ignoring her, Benio and Hinako both sat down at the table. With no chairs left, Chizuru simply curled into Benio's lap, arms draped around the taller girl's neck.

"So did you quit the Host Club yet?" they demanded excitedly.

"Eh..." Haruhi blinked. "No, I just came to thank you guys for-"

"I can't wait to see the look on that punk's face," Benio beamed, no doubt dreaming of sobbing Tamakis. "What a pussy ass bitch. I can't believe you've been tolerating them for almost half a school year!"

Half a school year? Her eyes widened. Had it been that long? "They aren't that bad," she shrugged. "And Tamaki-senpai is actually a pretty nice guy once you get to know him."

"Oh please," Chizuru rolled her eyes as she nuzzled further into the crook of Benio's neck.

"That's what all guys want you think!" Chizuru giggled.

"But they're all the same," Benio sighed, her expression growing solemn with sage-like wisdom. Or daddy issues.

"They only want one thing."

Haruhi caught a sudden flash of that night in the hotel, her back pressed against the sheets while Kyouya's lips trailed along her neck. Her gaze darkened. "Maybe."

"Yay!" they all cheered. "She agrees!"

"So you'll be dropping out of Ouran and attending Lobelia Academy for girls then?!"

Haruhi stared dumbfounded. When had she even hinted at that?

"It'll be easy!" Benio explained, reaching forward to take the commoner's hands. "My mother is very close with the chairwoman! You'll just need to sign a few contracts and you're in!"

"But-"

"Then we'll begin our whirlwind romance together," she breathed huskily.

"Aren't you..." She pointed at Benio and then at Chizuru. They both turned to one another and blinked before realization dawned on them. They both broke into a fit of laughter.

"So what?" Benio winked.

"Don't forget me!" Hinako pouted before leaning across the table and pressing her lips against Benio's.

Haruhi gasped as she pulled away and did the same to Chizuru. The Host King had been right. It was a lesbian orgy. Well, she supposed she could KIND OF be into that... But for whatever reason, these three didn't appeal to her in the least.

"Look." She stood from the table, her mind completely set on being anywhere, but there. "Thanks for the offer. I'm really flattered but-"

"Hold on, Haruhi." They all reached out to take her by her wrists and she swallowed hard. Why did it always come to this?

"You haven't danced with us yet," Chizuru cooed girlishly.

Benio pulled her close, eyes alluring. "I want to see you move like your Youtube video."

Haruhi grimaced. So like a drunken, mentally challenged chimpanzee?

"No, I can't!" Haruhi pulled away as they dragged her toward the dance floor. "Not like this!" She would need countless glasses of vodka first. And a little rum on the side.

"Come on, Haruhi!" Hinako squeezed at her cheek playfully.

"It's the least you can do after we saved you from those thugs and that shitty host club."

"You wouldn't refuse us this one dance, would you?" Benio frowned.

Haruhi bit her lip, the weight of their judgement raining down on her. Dammit...

* * *

"WOO!"

"Hey sexy!"

"Where're your boyfriends at, sweet things?!"

"Dibs on the tall one!"

Mori gave an "Ah" of disapproval, though he was secretly flattered that someone had actually found him attractive in this getup.

The twins groaned as they walked down the strip of Tokyo's finest nightclubs and restaurants, neon lights beaming, headlights flaring. But no matter how upscale, there would always be a certain level of scum.

"Twins!"

"Hey do you guys do threesomes together?!"

"Double the hotness, double the fun!"

"That wasn't funny," they both droned in irritation before turning to the front of their posse. And they thought it was annoying when girls did this... "Hey Tono, can we do it now?"

"Do what?"

They sighed. How many times did they have to explain themselves?

"Can we pretend to be interested," Hikaru started.

"Take one of these fucktards into an alley," Kaoru added.

"Pull our dicks out at the last minute,"

"And beat the living shit out of them?" they finished together.

"No," the blonde grumbled, though his resolve was weakening. "We have to find Haruhi."

"Not even to the 'Come on Barbie, Let's go party' guy?"

"No," he grunted, trying to ignore said creepy old guy who was currently trailing behind him in a Lamborgini spouting out lyrics from 'Barbie Girl'. "We'll be out of this soo- Kyouya put that mace away! I told you only emergencies!'

Sighing, Kyouya continued to spawn the advances with his death glare. It worked well enough, but at this point, he just wanted to see eyes burn. Hunny and Mori had been the lucky ones. Mori- because he made such an ass ugly woman- and Hunny because his audience was not so stupid as to approach him casually. They might as well have been wearing 'I'M A GIANT PEDOPHILE' signs. Instead, he received a few long, uncomfortable stares and a couple of drug laced lollipops.

"Finally!" Tamaki exclaimed as their group rounded a corner, losing "Ken" in the process. They approached a tall, white stone building. Two marble angels winked at them from their place engraved upon the building's towering, onyx double doors. A barrage of color shined upon the stone structure from rotating ground lights. 'ZUKA CLUB' flashed repeatedly over the doors in purple, cursive lettering. It might have been a sight to see had it not been for the winding line of teen girls wrapped around it.

"We'll never get in!" the hobbit cried.

"Oh, well," Kyouya shrugged. "Time to go home."

"Maybe we can sneak in the back-" Hikaru started before realizing that they were short one blonde. "Where's Tono?"

A chorus of groaning girls started up and they all turned in the direction of the entrance. Tamaki's hands were resting on the rope as he leaned over toward the tall, burly and thoroughly tattooed security guard.

"How did he make it over there so fast?" Kaoru thought aloud. The rest of them could barely walk in their three inch pumps. Kyouya and Mori had just opted to wear flats. How could this klutz sprint like a marathon runner in five inch heels? Sometimes he wondered...

"You don't understand!" the blonde was saying. "My daughter is in there and if I don't get to her in time-!"

The man snorted. "Your daughter?!" He leaned down. "What's a pretty thing like you doing with a daughter?"

"No cutting!" someone cried out from the line, followed by booing, as the rest of the club joined their king.

"Oh, come on!" Tamaki moaned exasperatedly. Desperate, he drew his hands together, his violet eyes mutating in something odd, inhuman... and strangely adorable. "Please?"

"Well..." The man began, lost in the power of the puppy dog eyes. "Okay..."

"YES!" the twins and Tamaki rejoiced.

"NOOOOO!" the line of girls howled.

"But just one more thing," he gave him a toothy grin.

"Eh?" Tamaki blinked.

"Give us a kiss?" The man leaned in, lips puckered.

Tamaki's brow twitched. "Kyouya."

"Done," the Shadow King muttered before spraying a barrage of mace into the guard's face.

"GYAAAAAAAH!" he fell to his knees, hands clawing frantically at his face. "MY EYES!"

The Host Club simply maneuvered around him, through the double doors and out of sight. All but the Hitachiins anyway.

"Hey, it's okay." Kaoru kneeled over the crumpled man.

"We're sorry about that," Hikaru ran his fingers over the man's bald head.

"Let us make it up to you!" they cooed together, eying the alleyway just beside the club.

* * *

Meanwhile...

"I can't..." Haruhi mumbled into Benio's chest. "... bweathe!" And she'd thought dancing with the twins at the beach party had been suffocating. Between the three of them, she could hardly move. She'd been engulfed by a tangle of limbs, boobs and derrieres. Somewhere in the mess, Benio's lips found her ear.

"Wouldn't this be so much more fun in my bedroom?"

"No!" she immediately cried angrily. She had to give it to the Host Club. They had never, as a group, been this smothering. Saving someone's life didn't guarantee you a complete invasion of personal space. And what gave them the right to rag on guys? They were just as bad if not worse!

"Look!" She pulled away with enough force to stumble just outside of their griplock, their fingers still tightened around the plain white tee she'd worn. "I'm not going to sleep with you guys, alright?!" She raised her middle finger. "So you can just-"

"Excuse me!" The music lowered and a loud, operatic voice suddenly echoed through out the room, bouncing off of the chapel high ceilings. Hundreds of confused lesbians glanced about the club and low hushed whispers rose from the crowd. Benio's eyes narrowed, her head twisting upward to search for the source.

"What the hell...?"

Chizuru frowned worriedly as she glanced down at her smartphone. "We don't have anything scheduled right now." She turned to Hinako who simply mirrored her expression. "Who could have-"

"Is this thing on?" it came again, this time with a hint of irritation. "Why isn't anyone paying any attention?"

Haruhi's brow furrowed. She recognized that voice. Even in falsetto.

"Because they can't see you, dumbass," another voice came, decidedly male and most definitely swelling with unresolved problems.

"I thought you were working on the lighting!"

"I told you to give me a few minutes, idiot," the other hissed. "You just had to start now. Don't you have any concept of patience-"

"They can hear you, Kyou-chan," an injustly adorable voice cut in.

"You too, Mitsukuni," a low voice grunted.

Haruhi's eyes widened and deep seated relief rushed over her. She never thought she'd be happy to hear the Host Club botching another one of their king's "brilliant" schemes.

"Well," the aborable one giggled. "I guess they can hear all of us! HIIIII!"

"HIIII!" a small- and no doubt drunk- portion of the crowd responded.

"Shhhhh!" the first voice uttered. "Stop it Hunny-senpai! You'll ruin-!

"Hey that looks like fun!" another voice joined in, playful and mischievous.

"We want to try!" a sixth voice joined the fray. "Everybody throw your hands in the air!"

"No!" the first voice cried as even more of the crowd followed suit.

"And wave em like you just don't care!" the mischievous one added.

"STOP IT!"

"NOW SCREEEEEAM!" the last two demanded together.

A wave of screams washed throughout the entire building. Haruhi crossed her fingers. If she was lucky, the police would hear and clear the place out before things could get even more out of hand.

Thump. Thump. Click. There seemed to be some sort of tussle with the microphone. A mixture of irrepressible chuckling and cries of pain could be heard until finally, the first voice finally spoke up again.

"Sorry about that," it started, it's breathing labored.

"HEY!" Benio finally boomed, all of the rage she'd built up in the last few seconds accumulating in one syllable. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? SHOW YOURSELF!"

As if on cue, spotlight suddenly rained down upon the very center of the room where girls in penguin garb and masquerade masks had been dancing just minutes earlier. Replacing them stood the Host King with a microphone, a weave and prosthetic boobs. The twins- also sporting fake hair and boobs- were still picking themselves up. Mori and the hobbit stood on the sidelines cheering their leader on. A dark ponytail bobbed in and out of a control panel hatch in the center of the platform. Haruhi supposed it was Kyouya. She also supposed that either the twins had finally convinced her to try LSD or the six of them had finally -officially- lost their goddamn minds.

"YOU!" Benio growled and the strong, lengthy fingers that already pressed against Haruhi's shoulders, dug into her flesh and pulled her into a possessive embrace. Hinako and Chizuru followed up with gasps. The rest of the club all turned inward to hear what this stranger had to say. She had their complete attention.

"Ahem..." the blonde stepped forward. "Lesbians of- shit thats bright!" He flinched before whipping his head down toward the bobbing ponytail. "Can't you dim it down?"

"No," the ponytail muttered half-heartedly. "Want me to turn it off again?"

Heaving a great sigh and squinting, he turned back to the crowd that stared him down from all sides and began again. "Lesbians of Tokyo!"

"Eh?" Confusion rippled through out the audience again, but he paid it no mind.

"I," he placed a hand against one fake boob. "Have come to proclaim myself as one of you!"

There was an awkward silence in the beginning, but then a stubby girl with purple highlights began a slow clap at the bar. Soon others joined in, followed by the random 'CONGRATULATIONS', 'YOU GO GIRL!",and other inspirational phrases.

"Thank you!" the blonde folded his hands and blinked back tears. "This wasn't an easy journey! I thought it was all over at first!"

The crowd "AW"ed.

"I cried for hours," he explained, fanning at his eyes. "And then I smoked a lot of weed. I mean A LOT of weed!"

Confusion settled back over the crowd in a mixture of "eh"s and hushed whispers, but they decided to go with him on this in the end.

"WHOOO!" they cheered.

"And then it hit me," he spoke softly. "Like a bolt of lightening. And I knew what I had to do." He motioned dramatically toward the rest of the host club. "We knew what we had to do if we wanted to keep her!"

The crowd gasped, hanging onto his every word. Who was 'her'?

"Haruhi!" he called and suddenly a spotlight shone down on the relatively speechless commoner and her captors.

"What the fuck?!" Benio's neck jerked about in alarm. "How did they hijack the lighting?!"

Ignoring them, Tamaki pressed on, barely able to contain his excitement at the sight of his daughter. "Now you can have the club AND your lesbian orgy!"

She just blinked up at him, jaw approaching the floor.

"Haruhi," he sang, mascara running. "We can be your multi-vitamins!"

Everyone's attention now turned on the commoner who stood frozen like a deer in headlights. Her gaze traveled from Tamaki's river of mascara to the twins' midriff tanks (that were suspiciously spotted with blood) to Kyouya's bobbing ponytail to Hunny's China doll like appearance to Mori's garish mug and something roiled through her like ocean waves gushing to shore. She couldn't hold it in any longer.

"Huh?" the crowd blinked at the sight of the berry red commoner now rolling all over the club floor, her fingers clutching at her sides. Uprorious laughter from the likes of which the Host Club had never heard from her reverbertaed through out the building.

"Oh my God," she managed to get out in between fits. "I can't breath!"

"HARUHI!" the Host King boomed, now teetering on the edge of the stage, his figure wracked with shock and tears. "YOU'RE SO MEAN! HOW COULD YOU?"

"It hurts," she chuckled on, her sides splitting. "I really can't stop, senpai!"

"AFTER ALL WE'VE DONE FOR YOU!"

"Seriously, Haruhi," Hikaru leaned over the side of the stage, arms crossed.

"Do you know how long it took us to make every one up?" Kaoru frowned. "Tono wouldn't hold still."

"And Mori-senpai's ugly as shit."

Mori buried his face in his hands and Hunny- who couldn't really argue the fact- massaged at his shoulders to comfort him.

"As a woman," the twins added as if it made their insult any less cruel.

"Okay," Haruhi took a deep breath. "Okay... okay..." She put a solemn expression on, turned to the stage and commenced to crack up again. That's when the whispers started up.

"What a bitch."

"Can you imagine?"

"She's lucky a girl like that's even into her."

"What bra size is she?" someone snickered. "Like an A cup?"

"I don't think she needs one." More snickering.

"H-Hey!" Haruhi started to protest. Dammit! Leave it to Tamaki to turn a pack of lesbians against her. And she thought his reach was limited to the heterosexual population. She should have known...

"ENOUGH!" someone cut in, the rage in their tone undeniable. Everyone turned back toward the stage to see Benio approaching Tamaki, fists clenched. Gulping, he darted in the opposite direction, the rest of the club quick on his heels. But Benio was quicker.

"Don't you all have any sense for feminine beauty?!" Then before he could make his escape, she latched on to a sizeable chunk of golden blonde and yanked as hard as she could.

"YOWCH!" the blonde cried before tumbling to the ground, his hands patting feverishly at the hair that still remained on his head. She'd removed a good third of the extensions.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" he demanded, the falsetto completely abandoned. "YOU COULD HAVE DAMAGED MY ROOTS!" When he was sure that his mane was still perfectly intact, he took a deep breath, sighed and stared out at the audience. They stared back. He blinked cluelessly.

"Your legs!" Hunny hissed from behind him.

"Hm?" he inquired.

"Close your legs, Tama-chan!" the hobbit insisted hurriedly. But the damage was done. The crowd continued to stare at him, all admiration and warmth drained from their features. Only confusion and perhaps mild disgust lay in their wake. A completely sober Haruhi slapped a hand to her forehead. Well, there went her escape plan.

"Er... um... wait!" The blonde jumped to his feet, careful to smooth the skirt down over his carefully taped, but still visible man parts. "I can explain! I-"

"Do you see now?!" Benio waved the tassle of blonde over her head. "All this time you've been cheering on a good for nothing MAN!" She shook her head, arms crossed, and sighed. "What do you have to say for yourselves? And more importantly," She sneered down on Tamaki who immediately cringed. "What should be done with him?"

Suddenly the entire crowd straightened up, anger twisting their features, fists clenching. Haruhi swallowed hard. She could probably make it out of the back exit if she ran now, but somehow she couldn't will herself to leave without making sure that her schoolmates weren't savagely torn apart by a group of livid, lesbian clubgoers. Even though it was their own fault as usual...

"How could you?!" a voice piped up from the crowd.

"YEAH!" hundreds of others agreed.

"I..." Tamaki stammered as he backed away. But there was no where to run. The crowd greeted him at all four sides.

"Takashi," Hunny whimpered, clutching the hem of his cousin's mini. "I'm scared!"

"Mm." Mori stared out over the vast sea of angry lesbians.

"I can't see a way out." The Hitachiins stood at opposite ends of the stage searching desperately for escape routes. "We might be screwed."

The ponytail sank into the platform and Kyouya closed the hatch.

"Hey!" Tamaki fell to his knees beside the hatch and banged on its dark wood with his fist. "Come out of there! We're all in this to-"

"HOW COULD YOU BE SO CRUEL..."

He fearfully gazed back up at the audience. "Er... um..."

"...BENIBARA?!"

"Huh?" the Host Club- Haruhi included- responded dumbly. The hatch rose again by an inch.

"WHAT?" Benio mirrored their surprise, her jaw dropping to the ground. It was Chizuru and Hinako's turn now to cling to their leader in fear. "B-But he-"

"He... She's a human being too!" a tall brunette just beside the stage interrupted, eyes livid. "They all are!"

"You can't accept one part of the LBGT community and reject the other!" the purple haired girl from the bar spoke again. "I thought acceptance is what the Zuka Club is all about!"

"Er..." Benio started, tongue tied for once as she picked at the fingers of her white gloves. "It is!" It wasn't. "But you don't understand! He's not actually-"

"How rude." both twins cut in, yanking the tuft of blonde from her grasp and attempting to reapply it to a very dazed Host King's head.

"Didn't your mother ever teach you any manners?" Hikaru inquired through a set of bobby pins he'd clenched between his teeth.

Kaoru nodded as he pinned the extensions back into place. "You can't just tear out a lady's weave."

With his hair style regained and his skirts pulled back into place, the blonde stepped forward, once again taking the microphone from the stand. Letting out a deep sigh of relief, he put on his best sultry smile and winked. "Thanks, girls."

"WOOOOOO!"

"YOU'RE WELCOME, SEXY!"

"DIBS ON THE TALL ONE IN THE MINI!" the big lesbian in the back called. Mori shuffled his feet, his cheeks red as tomatoes. What did the Hitachiins have to say to_ that_?

"Haruhi!" Tamaki called from the stage, his arm outreached. "Ready to go?!"

This didn't take much consideration. "Definitely," Haruhi heaved a sigh before starting for the stage. They'd done it again. How did they manage to get out of these situations without barely a scratch? Maybe God could be paid off after all. "There's an exit toward the back," she explained, approaching the platform. "If we go-"

"Not so fast, Haruhi!" Benio's open palmed hand was suddenly centimeters from her. She felt arms encircling her shoulders and turned to see Hinako and Chizuru grinning mischievously at her from both sides. She should have known this couldn't be that easy. Benio had turned back to her nemesis, leaning in so close that their noses bumped.

"Ouch!" The blonde cradled his face.

"You listen to me, you little bitch," she hissed. "This is my club and I will not be embarassed by anyone- let alone you and your goons."

"Too late," Hikaru stepped in, arms crossed.

"I'd say that little episode back there was pretty humiliating," Kaoru agreed.

"For you," they smirked.

"Stop it, both of you," Tamaki commanded, a hint of exasperation in his tone, before turning back to Benio. "Look, I'm sorry, but it's not our fault that Haruhi thinks we make hotter lesbians than you do."

"You have to be kidding me!" Benio gritted her teeth, anger building by the second. "Haruhi never said-"

"And she wouldn't be the only one," he tossed a wave of blonde back and turned to wink at the crowd earning him countless whoops and hollers.

"Enough!" Benio growled at her loyal fan base before whirling back around to face the Host Club. "You can't go just yet!"

"Why not?" they all inquired, every bone in their bodies aching to return to the non-lesbian world.

A slow grin spread over Benibara's lips and before anyone could stop her she tackled the microphone from its post. "You might be able to wear the paint and the pumps, but are you woman enough to fight for your girl?"

A spotlight shone down on Haruhi and she flinched. Shit, that _was_ bright.

The crowd tensed with curiosity and Benio grinned. She had them ensnared again.

"Tamaki, let's go," Kyouya had removed himself from the hatch and was currently gripping onto the sleeve of his best friend's blouse. "If we grab Haruhi now, we can-"

"Yes!" Tamaki announced, his eyes bright with determination. "I..." he trailed off. "_We_ would do anything for Haruhi!"

Kyouya slapped a hand to his forehead.

"Good," Benio smirked. "Then I declare a dance off. You and your trannies against me and my crew. Who ever boasts the best moves in ten minutes wins!"

The crowd cheered and whooped. The only thing they loved more than a good fight was a dance competition.

"If you win, you get Haruhi," Benio explained. "If you lose, she stays."

"Don't I get any say in this?!" Haruhi demanded angrily from the crowd.

"Sorry, Haru," Chizuru pecked her gently on the cheek before heading toward the stage.

"We'll see you in ten minutes," Hinako winked.

"And that's a promise." She watched as they disappeared into the throng of lesbians and once again the EXIT door swayed into her vision. With both parties occupied and the Host Club in the crowd's good graces, there was no reason why she shouldn't attempt to escape now. Dropping low, she headed toward salvation. Good thing she was so short or else this might be a problem. But she'd been moving for a while now. Why was it still so fucking bright? Gazing up, she squinted to see the spotlight still shining down on her. She moved to the left. It followed. Then to the right. It mirrored the action. Through its glow, she could just make out the surrounding crowd staring her her perplexedly. The Host Club raised their eyebrows from the stage. Benio turned toward a row of security guards at the base of the stage.

"Let her leave and it'll be your jobs!"

"Yes, ma'am!"

"Dammit," Haruhi cursed, beads of sweat forming on her forehead.

"Don't worry, Haruhi!" Tamaki called. "We'll save you!"

"Tamaki," Kyouya massaged at his bulging temples. "They've been trained dancers since they were four. We can't beat them. And I'm not going to try."

"Okay, one, How the hell do you know that?" Tamaki's eyes narrowed. "And two, stop being so negative, Kyouya!" He winked. "We'll have the contest cinched in five minutes!"

* * *

Five minutes later...

"We're losing," Kaoru muttered hands massaging at his aching feet, the Black Eyed Peas blaring into his eardrums. "Haruhi is lesbian chow tonight."

"Here, let me," Hikaru pressed his fingers gently around his brother's ankle. His eyelids suddenly fluttered and a devious smirk crossed his features. "Do you think they'd let us watch?"

"STOP IT!" They both caught a Louis Vutton bag upside the head. "We're not going to lose! If you would just try harder-"

"Us?" Kaoru scoffed. "Like you've done anything but embarrass us."

"Face it, Tono." Hikaru sighed. "It's over.

The dance off had began well enough. The hobbit had taken to the floor first with a break dancing gig. He'd been doing a surprisingly good job when he fell on a strawberry flavored lollipop the wrong way and went limping back to Mori in tears. Benio and crew followed up with a practiced, coordinated jazz routine and it all went downhill from there. The twins weren't good for much more than grinding against one another- which while it was fun to look at, didn't require much talent. And Tamaki had opted to do the Charleston. Or at least a sad, pathetic shade of the already dated routine. Their competition had just finished a perfectly synced, perfectly practiced modern dance routine to much applause and now Mori was up. Blank faced, the giant approached center stage. The room had settled down since its last applause and a thick silence had taken dominance. Swallowing hard, the giant spread his feet, raised his arms... and proceeded to stomp mercilessly at the ground, waving his right hand around.

"GANGNAM STYLE?!" Tamaki roared. "ARE YOU SERIOUS, MORI-SENPAI?!"

The audience fell into a fit of laughter, their eyes watering, hands slapping at their knees.

Defeated, the third year hung his head low and headed back toward his injured lover. To make matters worse, another button popped from his blouse. It was a sad day to be Mori.

"Hey at least they're laughing, Tono," Kaoru frowned.

"That's the first time we've gotten a real response since Hunny-senpai." Hikaru agreed. "Maybe we should all just do the stupid dance together."

"No!" the virgin protested. "There's got to be something better!" His gaze flitted to where his best friend sat upon the platform scrolling through his phone. "Kyouya?"

"Not happening."

"Hm..." The blonde pursed his painted lips in thought, one hand cupping his chin. He surveyed the room as if searching for answer when suddenly his eyes lit up. "I know!"

"Eh?" Hikaru and Kaoru's eyes widened as he leapt from the stage and disappeared into the crowd. A flurry of whispers rose up and Benio and company stared after him, simpers in place.

"Think he bailed?" Chizuru smirked.

"Naturally," Benio checked her watch. "Eight minutes in and drowning." She glanced up at the remaining members of the Host Club, expression smug. "I'd probably bail too."

"Looks like you lost, _girls_." Hinako cooed in false sympathy.

"Nope," Twin countanences just as bored as ever, the Hitachiins shrugged. "We've still got two minutes."

"And you think you can suddenly stop sucking at dance in two minutes?" Benio snorted. "Give it up." She leaned in. "Your president already has."

"Nah," Kaoru shook his head.

"He probably just has a really stupid idea."

"HEY!" a voice suddenly cried. "UP HERE!"

The entire club glanced up. Higher. Higher. And higher into the rafters of the cathedral like ceilings until they spotted it. Benio's expression contorted in horror.

"OH MY GOD! WHAT'S HE DOING UP THERE?!"

Screams of horror and excitement broke out all over the club as they observed the Host King straddling one of building's infrastructure poles at least fifteen feet in the air.

"Told you," the twins gulped before rushing toward the stage edge closest to the pole.

"Tono!" Hikaru called. "Come down from there!"

"We should have never let you watch Mulan!"

"We know you like that one scene but it doesn't exactly work for a dance contest!"

"And this isn't a Disney movie, Tama-chan!" a teary hobbit cried. "If you fall, you'll hit the floor like a pancake!"

"Mm!" Mori nodded.

"And I'll never be able to eat pancakes again!" the hobbit sobbed.

"YOU IDIOT!" Haruhi growled loudly enough that the entire club's gaze jerked in her direction. "GET YOUR ASS DOWN FROM THERE! I'M NOT SLEEPING WITH ANYONE TONIGHT!"

"Oh Haruhi!" Tamaki squealed. "You're worried about me! That's so cute!"

"Tamaki-senpai-!"

"Shh!" he raised a finger to his lips, the other still grasping the pole. "I've only got one minute left." He winked. "Watch this."

As if on cue, the spotlight suddenly shone on him. The twins glanced down to see that Kyouya had hijacked the control panel again.

"Kyouya-senpai?!" Hikaru raised an eyebrow.

"Why're you playing along with his stupid idea?!" Kaoru frowned.

"Because it's actually not a stupid idea, " Kyouya grinned, his fingers flying over the panel. "Don't you remember a few months ago when Renge showed up? I'm surprised I didn't think of it first." Indeed it was a humiliating moment when Tamaki outsmarted him in any sense of the word. He really needed to lay off the drugs...

Tamaki leaned backwards away from the pole now, one hand flying out dramatically, the other gripping the iron tightly. Letting his head fall back, waves flying, he descended in a perfect spiral. Gasps and "Wow"s speckled the entire room, their eyes frozen on the blonde. Some applauded, but he wasn't quite finished yet. Stopping midway, he grasped the pole with both hands once again before hoisting himself upward into the air so that he was upside down, one leg curved about the pole. His skirts draped over his abdomen, revealing the bulge once again and save for a few "Ew!"s and "Put It Away!"s, the majority of the audience stood too enraptured to complain. He spiraled downward in this manner for sometime before unfurling his leg from the iron and extending them both outward in a perfect split. The audience exploded in hooting and applause. As he spiraled closer to the ground, his legs began to fold inward until he was straddling the pole again, spinning so quickly, he became a blur of pink and yellow. When he finally reached ground level, his movements slowed gradually until he pulled himself to the pole, one hand still latched on, the other launched out in a grand flourish.

The building exploded with applause, louder than any they'd heard all night. A colorful array of flowers, panties and marachino cherries were tossed in his direction and that's when the chant began.

"TA-MA-KI! TA-MA-KI! TA-MA-KI! TA-MA-KI!"

"You love me!" Tamaki sobbed, the mascara river flowing again. "You really love me!"

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!" a furious Benio grasped her top hat in an unrelenting fist and tossed it to the ground. "Is that what you consider dancing?!" she blared into the mic. "I've studied with Gillian Murphy! My instructor danced with Janis Joplin!"

"BOOOO!" the twins heckled. "No one cares!"

"TA-MA-KI! TA-MA-KI! TA-MA-KI!" the crowd paid their leader no mind.

"HARUHI!" Tamaki bellowed from under several bouquets and a few boy shorts. "WAS THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU?! DO YOU STILL WANT TO LEAVE US FOR THE LESBIAN ORGY?!"

Still blinking away shock from his performance, she found her voice. "YOU'RE AN IDIOT, TAMAKI-SENPAI!" she yelled over the crowd. "I NEVER WANTED A LESBIAN ORGY! ALL I WANTED WAS-"

"YOU!" a good sixty percent of the crowd enthused. Her brow furrowed.

"... what?"

"ALL SHE WANTED WAS YOU!"

Before she could protest, she felt dozens of hands gripping her by the limbs and suddenly she was being hoisted over the crowd. The sea of lesbians washed her toward the now infamous pole where she and the blonde joined hands. The crowd went wild.

"Oh my God, Haruhi!" the Host King gushed, despite the two black lines raining down his cheeks. "This is crowd surfing! I always wanted to do this!"

"Senpai!" she growled. "Let's get out of here!"

But she didn't have to ask. Ignoring Benibara's protests, the crowd carried them both toward the entrance, cheering them on all the while. The twins, Hunny and Mori all hopped a ride on the lesbian express as well. The Shadow King, of course, chose the more efficient route- the back 'EXIT' that had evaded Haruhi successfully all night. Soon they were all shuffled into a limo, given many gifts including wine, chocolate and sex toys before they were bid farewell. The Host King didn't want to leave but with Kyouya and Haruhi's powers combined, they lured him- tears and all- into the backseat. All in all, the night ended on a good note, but within the abyss of smiling faces, the commoner could still make out Benio's scowling face from the club entrance, fists balled, eyes wild with jealousy. Chizuru and Hinako pouted at her sides. Haruhi swallowed hard. She had a feeling that she hadn't seen the last of this lesbian orgy.

* * *

"Tranny of the Year, eh Tono?" Hikaru teased from outside of the limo's open window.

"Classy," Kaoru chuckled from beside him.

Tamaki just groaned, too tired to argue at this point. His muscles were already aching from his performance that night and it was going on 3 AM. He took the 'Tranny of the Year' crown from his head and started to chuck it at the two before thinking twice. He supposed it wouldn't hurt to keep it. The memory of crowd surfing hand in hand with his daughter resurfaced and he smiled, clutching the crown tightly.

"Ew, Tono. Why do you have that goofy smile?" Kaoru made a face.

"Hey Haruhi," Hikaru turned to the commoner beside the blonde. "If he tries something, tell the driver to call the police, okay?" He zeroed in on Tamaki. "I don't see why we had to be dropped off first."

"Because you're closer," Haruhi groaned, also too tired to argue, but eager to get home. "It wasn't even his idea. It was Kyouya-senpai's."

"But you're the only two left-"

"I'll be fine!" she grunted and there was enough warning in her tone that Kaoru finally took his brother by the shoulder and led him toward the iron gates of their sprawling estate. When they disappeared within, the driver took off for the Fujioka residence. Sighing, she leaned back against the cushioned seats of the limo and closed her eyes.

"... so?"

Godammit. "So what senpai?" she frowned. "And can't you take that stupid getup off? It's weird talking to you like this."

"Weird?" he raised an eyebrow and a half grin slipped over his lips. "Maybe you are a lesbian after all," he teased, finger twisting about a single blonde ringlet. "Am I making you uncomfortable?"

"No," she swatted at him with his own crown.

He chuckled in response before sobering, but only slightly. "So don't you want to thank me?" Childish glee danced in his eyes. "I saved you from three crazy lesbians."

"And what do you call yourself?" she frowned. "You dressed up like a girl-prosthetic breasts and all, broke into a gay club, claimed to be transgendered, asked me to join your "lesbian orgy" and did a strip tease off of a fifteen story pole." She sighed. "That's kind of "crazy lesbian", senpai."

Cornered and perhaps too exhausted to throw a fit, the blonde simply covered his lips, a tiny laugh escaping his throat. "I guess you're right. I just..." He drew his knees to his chest where they pressed against the prosthetic flesh. "I really didn't want you to go." He lowered his head, waves cascading over his face. And he'd thought his bangs were good for mysterious, emo expressions.

Haruhi just stared at him, a smile spreading across her lips. "I was never really going to leave, senpai." She leaned sideways against the seat so that she could face him. "You just lied to me about your father and stole my stuff so it kind of pissed me off."

"I'm sorry," he started, shoulders beginning to quiver.

"Yeah, I know," she muttered, hopefully putting an end to whatever fit he was about to have. Her thoughts returned to earlier that night. "You were really good back there. On the pole."

"Thanks, Haruhi," his head shot up from his lap, completely recovered. "I guess I still got it."

"Yeah..." Her gaze wandered out of the window at the passing streets, her curiosity piquing. "Where'd you er... get it?"

"Well, isn't it obvious?" he tilted his head, a frown playing on his lips. "I used to be a stripper."

"What?!" Haruhi gasped, eyes wide, until he fell into a fit of laughter and she attacked him once again with the crown.

"What are you turning into one of the twins now?" she muttered coldly.

"I'm sorry." He swiped a tear away, still in mini-fits. "I just had to. You should have seen your-"

She deadpanned at him and he sobered immediately.

"So?"

"Er..." He scratched at the back of his head and her eyes narrowed. Had he made a joke just to evade the truth?

"Some girls that my mother worked with taught me when I was younger. They were amazing, Haruhi." He leaned forward, staring out at some distant past she couldn't see. "Better than tonight even."

She frowned, still curious. "Why would they teach a little boy how to pole dance?"

"I wanted to learn," he shrugged. "It looked like fun. And besides, they'd use any excuse to be around me. I was so adorable!" he beamed as Haruhi supressed her urge to groan. "They used to call me their little angel!"

Haruhi grimaced. This story was progressively getting creepier and creepier. Thankfully, the sights outside of the window grew more and more familiar and finally , the limo rolled up beside the apartment building she shared with her father. One lonely window remained lit and she knew that her father had stayed up waiting for her. Without waiting for the driver to exit and step around, she opened the limo door and stepped out into the crisp morning air.

"Do you want me to come in and apologize to your father?" Tamaki asked as he stared up at the window. "You shouldn't be coming home so late and I never got to say sorry for the time I almost ran him over."

She shook her head at the memory before giving him the once over and smiling. "Like that? I don't think so, senpai."

"Like that?" he blinked, expression growing thoughtful.

"Well, I'm going to bed." She started for the stairs leading up her residence. "I'll see you Monday, senpai!" She stopped just short of the door in an awkward manner as if torn between two motions. Finally, she turned back to limo, that rare smile gracing her features. "And thanks for tonight."

"Eh?" His eyes widened, cheeks reddened. Was his independent and frequently indifferent daughter actually expressing gratitude? What would be the appropriate way to respond to such a thing...? But she was already at the door! He had to think fast!

Launching himself half way out of the window, he bellowed into the night, "YOU'RE WELCOME, HARUHI!"

"Senpai!" she scolded through gritted teeth, her own cheeks reddening. "A little loud!" Talk about embarrassing. She hoped she didn't get complaints from her neighbors tomorrow... Lights flickered on like dominoes through out the building and the driver decided it was a good time to move on. Tamaki could barely make out the roar of, "HARUHI, WHO THE HELL WAS THAT?" before rounding the corner. Her father seemed intimidating at first listen, but he was sure he was a nice guy. The blonde smiled to himself. And once they got to know each other, he was sure they'd be great friends! They would have to meet formally on a normal day. When he wasn't dressed "like that". "Like that?" she had asked. He didn't normally dress "like that". He wouldn't be dressed "like that"... tomorrow for instance... Another mad idea suddenly took hold of him and suddenly he couldn't wait for the day to break. He immediately seized his IPhone and began to make notes for the coming adventure. Add one apologetic king, his five disciples, an understanding father, a daughter full of gratitude, a charming commoners' abode, and hopefully a kotatsu. It was the perfect beginning to a perfect storm.

* * *

I think this is the soonest I have updated in years. Good news is, I already wrote the next chapter. I'm trying to do this thing where I write one chapter before posting the next. However, if it isn't written by the time a month is over, I'll just post the chapter I already have. Going well SO far. I just really want to finish something for once and it helps to know that some people are still reading. Thanks. Hope you enjoyed! Review PLZ :D


	20. Lifestyles of the Short and Penniless

Author's Note: Hey all! Guess what I have been watching lately? **GOSSIP GIRL!** It's actually odd because I've never indulged in any of those teen dramas. I just wrote this to make fun of them more than anything. I decided to check it out on a whim not expecting to make it past more than one episode and lo and behold, I made it through an entire season!

It's actually not so bad... The writing is decent. The actors are pretty good. And even more fun, there is a surprising comparison between some of the characters in GG and the characters in Ouran. Like the main character is a rich, blonde free spirited girl with a not so shiny past who seems to effortlessly charm everyone everywhere she goes and whose intentions- for the most part- are genuine. She falls for a down to earth poor guy who happens to be one of the few non-rich kids at school and is working really hard to make it into a good college. The blonde's best friend works adamantly to appear put together and straight laced but she is actually a conniving bitch who will use anyone and everyone to manipulate her way to the top. See any parallels there? I do! I thought that was pretty cool. Anyway enough obsessing over Gossip Girl. Here is the chapter... **Please review!** Let me know how I'm doing compared to older chapters. Be honest nao.

* * *

The staff of the Suou mansion could not claim to be completely unaccustomed to the strange and peculiar. Weekend mornings were especially odd as the master of the sprawling estate had these days to himself and could usually be found in any particular room across the manor doing any assortment of weird, questionable things. Often, he would require their participation and they would agree if only because their jobs depended on it. Also, he was kind of sexy.

This particular weekend was special- or so he told them every five minutes- because he would be visiting a girl's father who lived on the seedier side of town and, for whatever reason, everything had to be absolutely perfect. The males and the older members of the staff hurried about, preparing some cheap imitation of actual coffee, offering their ideas on commoner treats and joking that their young master had finally found a girlfriend while the younger maids (and a few cougars) fretted in the foyer, their dreams of being the next Kate Middleton dashed forever. Well, at least he wasn't gay. They supposed the rumors of the chef catching him in the kitchens with the Ootori boy weren't true after all!

The double doors of the entrance suddenly parted. One eight inch heel stepped forward onto the red velvety carpet and they all turned to stare at what could only be a giant crab or Lady Gaga. As it turned out, it was neither.

"Tamaki, darling!" a shrill and rather arrogant voice escaped the woman's turquoise painted lips and the staff groaned. Their master's personal designer from birth, she'd been acquainted with him longer than any of them and she wasn't shy about the fact. Her hair, a mixture of blonde and orange stood atop her head like a perpetual sunset, two wisps falling down to form bangs. She wore enough leopard print to explode Mori's head and enough make up to last the Hitachiin's a week. And that was a lot of make up.

"Giselle!" Tamaki, still in his baby blue pajamas, cried from the top of the grand staircase before racing toward the woman. It wasn't obvious if he was genuinely excited to see her or if this was a side effect from all the commoner coffee he'd consumed that morning.

After exchanging European kisses, they both dissolved into an explosion of rowdy French that didn't stop until they'd both entered his bed chambers, followed by two burly men carrying large trunks, and slammed the door.

"Now, Giselle," the blonde started after instructing both men to lower the trunks. "You remember what we talked about? I need something disgustingly cheap. Something only the poorest of the poor would wear! I need to look like a hobo!"

"Darling, relax," Her red, lengthy, false nails pressed into his shoulders. "I understand. The bohemian look is very in this year!" She started rummaging through one of the trunks. "If we take these ripped jeans from Haute Couture and this weathered Armani top-"

"No, no, Giselle," the blonde sighed over the thousand dollar pieces, fingertips pressing into his forehead. Haruhi's father would see right through this! "I need actual hobo clothes! Not expensive clothes designed to look that way!"

The woman pursed her lips in frustration and he started to pacify her when something began to vibrate against his pajama leg. Startled, he pulled the white IPhone from his pocket, his eyes widening when the Shadow King's face flashed across the screen. He'd managed to snap it secretly while the boy was eating a sandwich as all he would do when actually asked to take the picture was glare murderously into the camera.

"I'm sorry, Giselle, I have to take this." He bowed repeatedly at the already offended designer before slinking toward one of the room's many open windows where cream- colored silk curtains billowed and fanned out over the crimson carpets. Resting his arm against the sill, he tapped ANSWER, the view of his family's personal gardens obstructed only by his rage.

"YOU BASTARD!" he roared immediately. "I've been trying to reach you all day! Haruhi invited us to see her father! We should have been over there hours ago!"

"Dumbass," the already irritated tone on the other end responded appropriately. "It's 10 AM on a Saturday. He probably just woke up," he grunted and then added as an afterthought ", and what do you mean, she_ invited_ us?"

"When we were in the limo last night," Tamaki explained with the utmost confidence. "I told her I should probably apologize to her father for all the trouble and she... sort of invited us."

"... what were her exact words?"

He went over the conversation in full detail, Haruhi's facial expressions and the color of her mail box included.

"... how in the hell did you get that out of-"

"What does it matter, Kyouya?!" the Host King blared. "We have to apologize to Haruhi's father and I can't think of a better time-"

There was a small coughing sound on the other end.

"Eh?" Tamaki stopped mid-sentence. "Are you-"

"Kyouya," a third, groggy voice started. "You got another smoke?"

The blonde nearly stumbled from the two story landing, eyes wide. He knew that voice! "Who was that?" he whispered.

"It's no one, Tamaki," Kyouya muttered, even more irritated, before mumbling something away from the receiver.

"Bullshit." Tamaki cursed, his voice emerging from the whisper. Kyouya was a liar by nature, but this particular lie grated on him more than the usual deceit.

A long silence. "It's just Renge," the Shadow King finally regained his voice. "She scheduled that counseling session, remember?"

"Renge doesn't smoke," Tamaki retorted immediately, curiosity gnawing away at his gut. "She invited the entire Smokefree Japan campaign to your house to get you to stop. You remember _that_?"

Kyouya gave a deep sigh. Busted. Thinking at ten in the morning after staying up all night just wasn't his strong suit.

"Kyouya, who's over there?"

"Stop it, Tamaki."

"Who is it?!"

"What the hell is his problem?" the other voice spoke again, sending the blonde over the edge.

"TELL ME WHO'S OVER THERE RIGHT NOW OR-"

"Whatever, just give me the phone," the groggy voice cut in. There was a pause and then a soft rustling noise. Finally, the it came through, loud and clear.

"Hey Tono," the stranger greeted him.

"K-Kaoru." the blonde stammered as his fear came to fruition. He grasped a handful of billowy silk to steady himself. "What are_ you_ doing there?"

"Oh, uh," the younger twin stuttered and Tamaki could almost feel the insincerity dripping from his words. "You know the freshmen class has that big Algebra test Monday. Kyouya-senpai agreed to help me study for it."

"Kyouya _agreed_ to help you study for a test," he repeated as if the words would ring any less false the second time around. "At 10 AM on a Saturday?"

"Y-Yeah." Kaoru stuttered.

"Where's Hikaru?" He bit at his lip, nervous to hear the answer.

"Eh," Kaoru sighed, heaviness seeping into his tone. "He stayed at home."

"His grades are worse than yours!" Tamaki all but snapped into the receiver, hysterics on the rise. "Why would he stay at home?!"

"Eh... Um...Er-" He was starting to unravel and perhaps that's why Kyouya chose to take back control of the conversation at that moment. Freshman. They couldn't do anything right.

"Hello?" he greeted dryly.

"I didn't know you tutored on the weekends," Tamaki squeezed at the IPhone, the royal blue case splintering. "I actually didn't know you tutored at all come to think of it."

"My father thinks it's a good idea to demonstrate my skills as a lead-"

"Shut up!" the blonde cut in mid-fabrication, his stomach clenching into knots. "How stupid do you think I am?!"

"Honestly?" Kyouya asked with as much sarcasm as he could muster before abruptly changing the subject. "Look, I get enough of this from Renge so I'm going to hang up now."

"This is why you didn't take my calls?!"

"I'll pick you up in an hour for Haruhi's."

"What kind of immoral-?!"

"See you then."

"DEPRAVED-"

'Click'

Taking a deep breath, Tamaki tossed the phone and the mangled case down upon a white cot in the corner of the room. The twisting sensation in his gut had crawled up into his chest now and he had a fleeting urge to cry, the all too familiar sting of tears welling at the back of his eyes. Shaking his head rapidly, he retrieved one of the many porcelain tea cups of commoner's coffee sitting around the room from his writing desk and took a sip of the now cool liquid. He wasn't upset. Why would he be upset? Because two club members were involved? Mori and Hunny were together and they had never done anything to harm the club besides making everyone feel extremely uncomfortable! And at least now Kyouya would be distracted from other "activities" such as meth (or whatever he called that stuff)... or violence... or picking up the phone when his best friend calls... A low strangled noise escaped his throat, but he silenced it immediately. There was no reason to be angry and besides, today was too important for this much emo. Time to pull it together.

Smiling, he started back across the carpet toward Giselle who had been staring at him worriedly for the last minute or so.

"Rene, dear," She reached out to cradle his chin. "Are you quite alr-"

"I'm fine, Giselle." He waved her hand away, grinning even wider. "Don't worry about me." His gaze scoured over the clothing trunks. "Have you found anything new?"

"Well," she started, nose wrinkling as she removed a pair of pale blue jeans from the trunk on the left. "There is this pair of True Religions. It's at least four seasons out of date." She made a face. "I just keep it along for my models. They need something to wear between takes-"

"It's been worn?!I" The blonde immediately swiped it from her grasp. "I'll take it!" He beamed down into her confused expression. "Commoners love hand me downs!" He examined the material closely. "Maybe if we poke a few holes here and there..."

"Eh..." she blinked, a third wisp of orange falling over her grey eyes. "But I brought several top bran-"

Ignoring her blatant distaste, he took a pair of scissors from the side compartment of the trunk and sliced a jagged line just above the knee. It felt good for whatever reason so he just kept tearing.

Her brow twitched. "Rene-"

"Giselle," he turned to her, expression glowing. "What else have your models worn?"

* * *

The car ride to the Fujioka residence was not a comfortable one. Kyouya and Kaoru had made it apparent right off the bat that they did not want any talk of what had happened that morning to reach their senpais' or Hikaru's ears. Kaoru sat at one of the four window seats, features tense, looking slightly troubled. Kyouya sat at his laptop, fingers typing away, looking like a bastard. Or maybe Tamaki was just biased. To make matters worse, Hunny and Mori had obviously shared a particularly amorous night together as they spent the entire car ride whispering sweet nothings to one another, completely oblivious to the scandalous woes of their underclassmen.

"So where were you this morning again?" Hikaru turned to his brother, arms crossed. As apparent from Kaoru's ensuing sigh and Hikaru's tired expression, this was an ongoing argument between them.

"I told you I went to get my nails done," Kaoru explained for what sounded like the dozenth time.

"You were gone when I woke up," Hikaru's eyes narrowed. "And then for three hours!"

"I went to that place across town," Kaoru bit his lip and leaned even closer to the limo window as if it would suck him out and take him somewhere far, far away from his brother's scrutiny.

"And you didn't invite me?" The older twin muttered lowly, ginger bangs falling over his eyes.

"You said you were tired, Hikaru." Kaoru coddled worriedly, reaching for his brother's shoulder. "I didn't want to wake you."

Hikaru pulled away. "You never- Tono, what the hell are you doing?"

The blonde expelled a cloud of smoke from the window, the newly lit blunt still hanging from between his fingers. He turned to Hikaru, expression tinged with annoyance. "_What?_"

"We can't go visit Haruhi smelling like weed!" Hikaru groaned. "Put it out now!" His eyes traveled to the blonde's other hand. "Is that alcohol?!"

"Hm?" Tamaki swirled the Cognac bottle around eying it as if he'd never seen it before. "It's just a little." He motioned to the mini fridge beside him. "It was in there."

"So you had to drink it?" Hikaru's temple bulged. "What's wrong with you today?!"

Groaning, the blonde pressed the back of his hand to his forehead. "Maybe if you two assholes would stop arguing." He took another swig from the bottle and cringed. "It's giving me a headache."

"He's just crashing," Kyouya explained. "He drank two tins of commoner's coffee this morning."

"Shut up, Kyouya," Tamaki muttered for no apparent reason.

"Well, maybe if Kaoru would start being honest!" Hikaru continued regardless. "I don't know how long he was gone! For all I know he could have been gone all nigh-!"

OHMYGODSHUTTHEFUCKUPICAN'TTAKEITANYMOOOOORE!" Tamaki blared before taking a deep sigh and downing one last swig of Cognac. Ignoring the cluster of concerned eyes on him, he placed the offending drink back into the mini fridge, still holding fast to the blunt.

"Er..." The hobbit had finally parted from his cousin to place a comforting hand upon his underclassman's shoulder. "Tama-chan, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Hunny senpai," the Host King cleared his throat dismissively.

"Are you su-"

"We," he began, leaning forward to enforce a huddle. ", are visiting Haruhi. Today is special and I'm not going to let you- any of you" His gaze zeroed in on Kyouya and the twins. "Bog it down with unnecessary drama."

"But Tono," Kaoru grinned, some of the cat-like mischief creeping back into his eyes.

"Isn't unnecessary drama kind of your thing?" Hikaru finished just as mischievously.

"So first things first," the drama king ignored them. Depositing the remains of his blunt in an ashtray next to the mini fridge, he pulled a crumpled sheet of paper from his severely ripped jeans. "I stayed up last night making a set of rules for us to follow today!"

"Let me see," Hikaru demanded before plucking the sheet from Tamaki's grasp without a moment's hesitation. Squinting, he surveyed the contents of the paper. "No foul language," he noted, eyes traveling up to glance at the author. "Well, you fucked that up already."

"That was just a flub!" Tamaki protested, snatching the paper back and swatting the boy over the head with it. "No foul language STARTING NOW! Next!" His eyes trailed over number two. "Be modest! Our language, mannerisms and clothing," He took the time to glare at the array of Armani and Marc Jacobs products dotted about the limo. "must all reflect that of a decadent commoner!"

The twins stared down at their ritzy outfits, flared black jeans with matching vests and white tanks of the finest cotton before gazing back up. "We're not changing," they droned together.

"Well, you can't visit Haruhi looking like that!" the blonde pointed. "Are you trying to remind them of how miserable their pitiful lives are?!" He turned on Kyouya. "Quick! We have to make a stop at the Goodwill!"

"The Goodwill?" They all blinked.

Tamaki nodded. "It's this place I heard about full of used commoners things!" he explained, eyes glowing. "It's for commoners who can't even afford new things! It's the most amazing place! It even smells of hardship and poverty!"

"Ew," the twins grimaced at the thought of hand me downs. "No."

"But-"

"No."

"You haven't even given it a chance!"

"Too late, Tamaki," Kyouya sighed from behind his laptop, before signaling toward the window with his thumb. "We're already here."

Gasping, everyone but the Shadow King stared, gaping, out of the limo windows at the dingy little grey brick apartment building as if it were the holy grail. White sheets and other laundry billowed in the wind from their places strewn across the iron gates that lined each level. Little commoner children raced across the already heavily trampled grass, their faces messy with dirt among other things, backpacks falling to the ground. A group of gossiping elderly women in tawdry, old shawls motioned toward the limo, their lips moving rapidly, eyes filled with curiosity.

"Wow," Kaoru blinked from his place at the window.

"What a shithole." Hikaru finished, obviously unimpressed.

"Maybe we should take Haruhi somewhere else," they volunteered together.

"No!" Tamaki barked immediately. "We were invited! Besides," his eyes glistened. "Can you imagine how excited Haruhi will be to see us? Commoners love company!" he expanded on their ever growing commoner knowledge. "They can't afford television or other material distractions so companionship is all they have!"

As it was, a certain commoner walking not far away was quite happy with her lack of companionship. She had managed to do her weekly grocery shopping, finish the week after next's homework, and she bought a pack of shiny new number two pencils for Algebra class! For half off! Best. Day. Ever. Saturdays like these always reminded her of how peaceful her life had been before the Host Club had come along and fucked it all to hell. Wake up. Go to School. Go home. Cook. Clean. Study. Go to bed. Wake up. Go to School. Go home. Cook. Clean. Study. Go to bed. A nostalgic grin curved over her lips. Those were the days...

Well, at least she had this one and then one more before she had to return to the unpredictable and often scandalous life of a high school whore- or host as they liked to put it. The excited cries of her neighbors' children reached her ears and she smiled to think of what awaited her at home. An empty apartment. Her schoolbooks. Leftovers from last night. Mmmm. Smoothing her long, dark blue denim skirt down, she rounded the corner toward her building.

"Wow!" one of the neighbor's boys exclaimed. "So cool!"

Mild curiosity played at the edges of her mind. Probably a rainbow or a sand dollar. She knew how easily roused children were.

"It's huge!" a little girl cried, the glee practically tangible. "Can we ride in it?!"

This caused her brow to furrow as she neared the corner's end. Ride in it? What could possibly-

"A real limo!" the first boy answered her thoughts. "I can't believe it!"

A twinge of panic seized her by the chest. No. It couldn't be. She was sure it was just a coincidence. Maybe some older kids were going to prom... in the middle of the school year. Or maybe her father brought home another wealthy businessmen... thereby blowing off the rest of his workday. She gulped.

"Of course you can!" a dreadfully familiar voice responded with twice as much enthusiasm. "Ride it as much as you like!"

Her heart lurched and she immediately dove behind the building, the back of her green tank top pressing into the brick.

"Tamaki, that limo belongs to my family," another much dreaded voice sighed. "They'll destroy it."

"No, they won't!" Tamaki protested and Haruhi saw red. "You won't destroy that grumpy man's limo will you?!"

"WE WON'T!" they chorused cutely.

"SEE?!"

A brief pause. "Fine, whatever."

"YAAAAAAY!" The sound of rustling, slamming against metal and ensuing destruction quickly followed.

"Don't be afraid!" she could hear Tamaki coercing, her fists trembling. "We've got candy in here!"

"Creeper," the twins accused.

"There was candy in there?!" the hobbit boomed with much indignation.

The decision between protecting the neighborhood kids from the Host King's whims or turning heel and running as rapidly as possible in the opposite direction was quite possibly the most difficult one she'd ever been faced with. She was one promise of candy away from choosing the latter when all of a sudden...

"Hey," Mori's low tone arose from the chaos. "You dropped your backpack."

"Th-thank you," the child was barely able to respond when Haruhi burst out of the woodwork.

"Haruhi!" Tamaki squealed from where he stood holding the limo door open, a line of children spilling in. A little brunette boy with glasses waved at her from the window, Cognac bottle in hand. The rest of the club started to express their joy or suppress their disdain at seeing her when she finally decided to let out the anger that had brewed and bubbled up for the last minute or so. She wanted to cry. She wanted to throw her hands up to the heavens and scream, "Why, God, why?!" But that may have been a bit dramatic and a little too much work so in true lazy commoner form, she decided to go with her personal favorite.

"FUUUUUUuuuuuuck!" she growled in anguish, fists still clenched.

A silence passed over the area for a brief moment. She knew it wouldn't last long.

"Haruhi!" Tamaki gasped as expected, his hands flying over a pigtailed girl's ears. "Think of the children!"

"I am thinking of the fucking children!" she retorted. "Why do you think I came out of hiding?!" She pointed to the limo window. "They've got alcohol in there! And you brought Mori-senpai!"

Mori hung his pedo head in shame.

"B-But Haruhi-" he blubbered, tears rising.

"W-" Something tugged at her skirts and she looked down to find a little boy with extraordinarily large grey eyes in a blue Mickey Mouse tee. "We were just having fun, Fujioka-san..."

She stared back down at him with eyes of stone. "Go home," she ordered firmly before gazing up at the rest. "Go home! All of you!"

An ensemble of wailing and groans rose up as the formerly excited crowd of children drudged out of the limo, bottom lips poking out.

"GO! Your parents are probably looking for you... Stop climbing on the limo! ... Don't talk to Mori-senpai!... Give me that!" She snatched the bottle of Cognac away from the now teetering four eyed boy.

One by one, the children stomped and pouted their way out of sight, some of them waving sympathetically at the Host King as if he were to suffer a horrible fate and they would never see him again. And whoever said children weren't insightful? When the last tiny foot disappeared out of sight, she turned her icy gaze on the Host Club.

"What the fuck are you all doing here?" Haruhi rounded on the group despite not being much taller than the hobbit and ten times less strong.

"B-Because" Tamaki stammered, wringing his index fingers nervously. "Y-You invited me."

She glowered at him. "I would never invite you anywhere, senpai."

His figure noticeably froze for a few brief seconds before racing toward her. "Haruhi!" he sobbed. "I'm so sorry! I know you're just saying that because I brought those two bastards!" He pointed wildly at the twins.

"HEY!" Hikaru spat. "You've gotta be kidding! She'd probably be happier if we'd showed up without you!"

"TAKE THAT BACK!" the Host King half roared half sobbed, now closing in on Hikaru.

"It's not my fault you can't handle the truth!" Hikaru shrugged.

"Hikaru," Kaoru sighed pleadingly.

"SHUT UP!" Haruhi blared, cheeks red. "You're all taking your booze," she shook the bottle.", getting back in that limo and leaving right now!"

"But Haruhi-" Tamaki and Hikaru started.

"You don't have to go home, but you have to get the fuck out of here!"

"HARUHI FUJIOKA!"

The group of teens turned toward the apartment building to see an older woman staring at them from the main walkway, her mouth tightened, the heavy lines surrounding her eyes taut with anger. She shook her cane at the youngest of them.

"Mrs. Shitoko!" Haruhi's expression rapidly transformed from furious to flustered. "I'm so sorry!" She bowed repeatedly. "I-"

"How dare you use that kind of language on my property?!" the woman demanded, the knitted material of her maroon knitted shawl trembling about her shoulders. "Just like your father! Disrespectful! Both of you-" She rambled on and Haruhi's cheeks grew redder and redder. The rest of the Host Club shuffled their feet awkwardly, their fear dissolving into deep sympathy.

"And where's that rent money?!" she started on another tangent. "It's been weeks now-"

"Amazing." The word was barely more than a whisper, but it was enough to catch the older woman's attention. She squinted through her black, thickly rimmed lenses at the blonde as he drew closer.

"E-Excuse me?" she stammered.

"Amazing," he repeated, leaning down to meet her at eye level, his slender fingers finding her own wrinkly stubs. "We came here to see Haruhi, but I never thought I'd find anything as beautiful as you."

The woman gasped, her own weathered cheeks taking on a glow. "Y-Young man-"

"You're even more beautiful when you blush," he breathed, fingers threading through her silver bangs.

"Eh?! I-"

"And this is an exquisite shawl," His fingers had found the maroon material, squeezing it and massaging it against his cheeks. "Did you make this all by yourself?"

"Senpai," Haruhi grunted, her fists clenching again. First the children and then the elderly... "Stop molesting-"

"Shhhhh!" The twins' and the hobbit's hands stimutaneously clamped over her lips.

"Y-Yes," Mrs. Shitoko answered meekly, her grouchy old lady fascade diminished completely. "I-I just knitted it in my spare time."

"Really?!" Tamaki gushed. "I've never seen anyone knit anything before!" He took her by the hands again and gave her his best hypnotic smile. "Will you show me?"

"Er... um..."

"Come on!" He led her toward the building and she let him, mesmerized. "Which apartment is yours?"

Haruhi stared, eye twitching, as her crotchety, infamously paranoid old landlady let a complete stranger lead her unwittingly into her apartment and shut the door behind them.

"YAAAAAY!" the twins cheered together. "The bitch is gone!"

Haruhi grimaced. "Don't call her-"

"Come on, Haru-chan!" the hobbit took her by the wrist and dragged her toward the narrow, iron staircase, his grasp surprisingly strong. "I want to see your apartment!"

"Mm." Mori agreed as he trailed behind them.

"Is your father home, Haruhi?" Kyouya asked as they made their way up the stairs.

Why? Afraid I told him about your being a psycho rapist? she thought to herself. "No, he won't be in for a while," she chose the more diplomatic response before fishing inside her brown messenger bag for the key to her apartment. She was going to regret this obviously, but she didn't want to risk making a scene again. Tamaki's charm could only work so many miracles...

Stopping in the center of the third level, she stared into the white peeling paint of the door to apartment number 33 and heaved a deep sigh. "You can come in," she mumbled and cheers immediately followed as the door cracked open. "But only for a fe-"

She didn't get a chance to finish as everyone but Kyouya rushed past her into the tiny apartment in a frenzy, their eyes filled with child-like glee.

"Kaoru!" Hikaru pointed to the opposite tan colored wall, hopping as he struggled to remove his shoes. "You can see the other side of the room from here!"

"I know!" Kaoru exclaimed, shoes already messily strewn across the straw welcome mat next to the door. "I can't believe it's this small!"

"Our bedroom is bigger than this," they concluded, throwing unimpressed if not disgusted looks at the beige colored, faux leather sofa and chairs that adorned the living area. Haruhi simmered. Weren't these the same idiots that assumed she cooked with firewood? What exactly were they expecting?

"Takashi, look!" Hunny was dragging his cousin toward a narrow half-room to the right of the sofa. "It's Haru-chan's kitchen!"

"Mm." Mori nodded, hunching over to avoid bumping his head on the ceiling. He was beginning to feel claustrophobic. The hobbit went on to thoroughly examine every cabinet and crevice.

"What the hell?!" he finally cursed as he poked his head into the dishwasher. "Don't you have any cake, Haru-chan?!"

"No," she grumbled. "And if I did, I wouldn't keep it in there."

The boy trembled with withdrawal triggered frustration. Two large hands fell upon his shoulders and squeezed reassuringly.

"Mitsukuni," Mori whispered from behind him. "She can't afford cake."

The hobbit gasped, his eyes starting to water. "You're right, Takashi!" He stared upon the commoner in pity. "Poor. Haru-chan."

She scowled back in response, arms crossed, bangs falling over her eyes. Was it still too soon to kick them out? Sighing, she leaned against the nearest wall. Perhaps she could pull the building's fire alarm? But then she was already on bad terms with Mrs. Shitoko... Maybe they'd buy a leprosy outbreak. They were so ignorant about the lower-middle class that they'd believe anything... But then there was Kyouya... Something moved into her vision and she glanced up, surprised. Speak of the devil...

The Shadow King had joined her in brooding, the back of his grey, sleeveless vest pressed against the wall, thin lips expelling an exasperated sigh to rival her own. She was considering scooting a few inches away (it's all her apartment would allow) when it spoke.

"I didn't want to come in the first place, you know," he muttered in his usual I'm-Too-Cool-To-Give-A-Shit tone. "But you know how Tamaki is. Once he has his mind set on something, there's no stopping him." He turned those phosphorescent spectacles on her.

She'd assumed as much. Remaining silent, she continued to face downward, her arms tensing. If he wanted to ignore the giant elephant tap dancing across the room, that was his business, but she wasn't keen on making small talk as if they were just two like-minded friends with absolutely no history of attempted sexual assault. They stood in a painfully awkward silence for a few moments, the string of scalding criticisms of her tiny apartment and cakeless kitchen in the background doing little to ease the tension. Kyouya sighed again, fingers combing roughly through his dark bangs. She raised an eyebrow. Was the Shadow King actually unnerved for once?

"Look," he forced the words out as if they clung to the back of his throat. "I-"

"I'M BACK!" The Host King raced through the doorway at lightening speed, his golden tresses newly adorned with a tiny, maroon beanie. Haruhi's lips curled slightly upward as he collided with the wall opposite the door. The twins' uproarious laughter instantly followed.

"This place is a safety hazard," Hikaru snickered, poking at the crumpled blonde with a broom he'd found in the kitchen corner.

"You okay, Tono?" Kaoru prodded with the dust pan.

"Will you put those away?" Haruhi requested and was promptly ignored.

"Ugh," Tamaki rose to a sitting position and readjusted his beanie. "I'm fine." Massaging at his sore head, he whipped and whirled about wildly, taking in every inch of the scene before him.

"Haruhi!" He leapt to his feet, palms running over the wood paneled doors of the dining room. It's so pathetic, it's adorable!"

She started to tell him to fuck off when he slid the folding door inward. "IS THAT A KOTASTU?!" He sped toward the small, wide table and the rest followed ecstatically save for the nerds of the crew.

"So Tono," Kaoru smirked as they closed around the kotatsu. "I knew you were a creeper, but I didn't know you were into graverobbing."

"Did she ask you to put her dentures in before you made out?" Hikaru teased.

"Hey!" the blonde swatted at both boys with a vacuum he'd pulled from the corner. "Don't disgrace Haruhi's home by saying disgusting things like that!"

"You can't disgrace the disgraced," they argued.

"Stop being assholes!" he raged, rearing back with the appliance. "Haruhi is very proud of her little-"

"Put that down!" Haruhi snapped, reaching for the vacuum cleaner. "You can't just throw things around! You might break them!"

"Oh!" he gasped. "I'm sorry, Haruhi!" He lowered it to his side before leaning into the twins. "She must have pawned something important for this!" he whispered fiercely.

"You think?" Hikaru's eyes widened.

"For a vacuum cleaner?" Kaoru raised an eyebrow.

"It doesn't matter what it is, you idiots! Everything is expensive for a commoner!" he warned. "Don't underestimate her sacrifice!"

"Right!" they nodded seriously, half sarcasm, half intrigue.

"Anyway!" Tamaki pulled out of the huddle, somehow ignoring the smoldering glare that Haruhi was sending his way. "Fajima is a wonderful woman! She would never-"

"She told you her first name?" Haruhi made a face, her stomach souring.

"Why wouldn't she?" he frowned. "She was the sweetest thing!" He grasped the beanie from his head and waved it at her. "She even let me watch her finish this hat and invited me over for free lessons!"

"I bet her husband wouldn't like that," Haruhi muttered as she fell down beside the hobbit at the kotatsu.

"I'm sure he wouldn't mind, but it doesn't matter." Tamaki shrugged. "She scheduled my classes while he's out fishing anyway! She said he doesn't get back until late."

"... did she by any chance wink when she told you that, Tono?" Hikaru asked.

His gasped as if the twin was a ghost. "How did you know?!"

"Yeah," the younger boy shot him a distasteful look.

"Graverobber," the twins concluded and he seized the vacuum again.

Haruhi saw red and the hobbit, who'd been silently watching her rapidly deteriorating state from afar, decided to change the subject.

"I'm hungry!" he announced. What better way to lighten the mood than with food?! "What do you have to eat, Haru-chan?"

The red deepened. They showed up at her home unannounced, insulted it, tossed her appliances around and now they expected her to feed them? Taking a deep breath, she turned to eye the abandoned grocery bags sitting on her kitchen counter. She'd went shopping for two...

"I don't think it'll be enough, Hunny-senpai."

"Well, why don't we order something to make up for coming unnanounced?" Kyouya offered.

She blinked, taken off guard. Was he actually offering to pay? "Y-You don't mind covering it?"

"Of course not," he grinned.

Her eyes widened. "Er... thank y-"

"I'll just add it to your debt later."

Her expression fell. Why did she always fall for that?

"But I want Haruhi to cook!" Hunny whined. "Tama-chan said commoner's cooking was the best!"

The blonde nodded wisely. Haruhi groaned.

"I don't have enou-"

"You do know how to cook, right Haruhi?" Kaoru raised an eyebrow.

"Of course, she does, Kaoru," Hikaru sighed. "All commoner women know how to cook," he explained. "The practically live in the kitchen."

She fumed. "That's not-"

"What are your best dishes, Haru-chan?" the hobbit's head whipped around the room. "Do you have a menu?"

"A menu?" She blinked.

"Don't be silly, Hunny-senpai," Tamaki shook his finger at the hobbit. "It's not a restaurant. There aren't any menus." He turned to smile brightly at his host and she waited for the catch. "You just have to ask!"

There it went.

"What kind of appetizers do you have, Haruhi?" he gushed in anticipation.

"I'll take a garden salad," Kaoru ordered. "You do have it?"

"You can afford that, right?" the twins chimed together.

"That's it!" Haruhi stormed from the dining room and grabbed a light blue waist jacket from the coat rack at the front door. "We're going out to eat."

"But Haru-chan-" the hobbit whined.

"Now," she insisted, swinging the door open.

"Haruhi can't afford salad," the twins sang, obviously dissappointed.

"Get the fuck out of my apartment!" she growled, Mrs. Shitoko forgotten. They all slumped in defeat and began shuffling slowly toward the door, save for Kyouya, whom was the first to exit.

"Careful, Haruhi," Kaoru warned as he walked past her and onto the outside landing.

"Tono'll have to seduce your neighbor again and this time it might take more than a few pretty words," Hikaru winked and she returned it with a disgusted grimace.

"Haru-chan," Hunny neared the door. "Will there be cake where we're going?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," she muttered as he passed, Mori in tow. She wondered how much she'd pay for it later if she just slammed the door on them now and barricaded the entrance. But then she had to wait for the ringleader to leave. He was probably still sulking in the dining room.

"Senpa-" She stopped short, as he was kneeling a few feet away from her, his hands closed around a silver framed picture where a young woman smiled out, brown eyes happy and full of life. The scent of incense thickened as she neared the small corner that her mother's shrine inhabited, her features softening. She took to kneeling as well, her arms wrapped around her knees. Guilt and embarrassment suddenly swarmed in her gut. How would her mother feel about the way she treated her clubmates today? Haruhi gave her legs a squeeze. Her mother had always welcomed visitors- no matter how unexpected- with open arms. She was always kind, gentle and loving despite her fierce demeanor in the workplace- the perfect balance. Haruhi bit her lip. But then she'd had her vices...

"You take after your mother, don't you Haruhi?

"Hm?" The words pulled her from her thoughts. Tamaki was still transfixed on the picture.

"Sorry." He finally turned to smile at her before gazing back at the photo. "I thought it was you." He raised his cell phone. "I was going to take a picture to add to my daddy/daughter collection."

She rolled her eyes. Then again, her mother had never met Tamaki Suou.

"She's beautiful," he continued to stare at the woman in the photo, expression growing pensieve. "I bet she was an amazing woman."

"Yeah, I guess." She squeezed her legs even tighter, her knees pressing against her chin.

"Eh?" he raised an eyebrow and redirected his stare to the commoner. He was accustomed to the commoner's being kind of a bitch, but that was a cold response- even for her. Her eyes were trailing aimlessly over the carpeted floor, fingertips playing at the hem of her skirt.

"What if..." she started hesitantly and paused before beginning again. "What if someone is kind and beautiful and all that..." she paused again. "But they're keeping a secret."

He raised an eyebrow. "Haruhi-"

"What if they're so weak," she cut in, unconsciously etching half moons into the fabric of her skirt. "that they let that secret destroy them and everything they've worked for?" She raised her gaze to meet his, eyes challenging. "Is that still an amazing person?"

He didn't respond at first, completely taken off guard by the sudden shift in her mood. She'd been unpredictable lately. It was new for her...

"Haruhi,"he finally breathed, that one sigh carrying so much sympathy that she'd wished she'd never asked at all. "No one's perfect."

She groaned. He was about to go on one of his Hallmark spiels.

"I know you think I come close-"

"I don't think that," she corrected bluntly, eyes dark.

He winced briefly and then a small chuckle escaped his throat. "Anyway," he went on. "That one secret is only a small part of what makes that person who they are. Why should you let one bad thing cancel out the good?"

She just shrugged. Maybe because, in the end, that's exactly what had happened.

Tamaki leaned in to her and she willed herself not to stare up into his stupid expression.

"I think in the end, the most important thing is the impression a person leaves on you." He pressed his own legs to his chest, chin resting against his ripped jeans. "How did she make you feel?"

Haruhi took a moment to ponder. But she didn't really need it. A flurry of memories immediately brushed across her mind, tender, warm, and beautiful. Tears burned at the back of her eyes.

"Amazing," she whispered, an involuntary smile creeping over her lips.

He nodded slowly, his own gaze lowering to the carpet, golden bangs shrouding his eyes. Heavy silence stilled the room and when the weight became too much for her, she finally began to stand, remnants of the smile still playing on her features.

"They're waiting for us," she sighed, reality zooming back into focus. The other five were probably a little more than annoyed by now. She wondered why they hadn't come looking for them... Hikaru, especially, never left her alone with the Host King for too long. Oh well. She braced herself for the twins inevitable teasing.

"Yeah..." Tamaki's expression poked out from under the bangs, an inexplicable blush on his cheeks.

"By the way," she started, her gaze hovering over an abandoned broom and dustpan lying in the center of the living room as she found her footing. "What did you do with that vacUUU-" her voice went from slightly vexed to shrill as she tripped over the appliance and stumbled head first toward the carpet.

"Haruhi!" he cried, catching her around the waist and pulling her close before she could touch the ground. She wrapped her arms around his neck to steady herself.

"Eh..." She lifted her face from where it was buried in his shoulder to stare him straight in the eye, their faces not an inch apart. "S-sorry," she stammered, her cheeks slightly rosy.

"H-H-H-" he struggled breathlessly, cheeks flaming.

"HARUHIIIIII!" another, higher voice added and both their heads snapped toward the doorway. A woman stood there in a deep purple sundress, the fabric accentuating her curves just right. Silver designer pumps graced her feet and an array of silver bling lavished her wrists, neck and ears. She held a brown Coach clutch to her waist, it's golden bands matching the little GUCCI inscriptions engraved into her sunglasses. "DADDY'S HOME!" she announced dramatically before sashaying into the apartment, limps wrists flailing. That is until she took one good look at the scene before her. Ripping the glasses from her face, she zeroed in on the couple, red lips pursed, hazel eyes serious as death.

"Oh, _HELL_ no."


	21. Revenge of the Tranny

Author's Note:

So I noticed that a few of you are unhappy with my decision to add a little **Kyouya/Kaoru** to the story. I appreciate your willingness to be open with me, but it is always in my right to decide if I want to act on a critique or not. After all, I am writing this story for myself too. This will not be one of those cases. I stand by my decision and the Kyouya/Kaoru will remain. If you don't like it, feel free to find a story lacking in Kyouya/Kaoru. There are tons of them out there. I daresay that's the majority of Ouran fics.

My story summary says "pairings galore" for a reason and sorry to break it to you, but Kyouya is kind of the whore here. Now, there will not be a sufficient amount of Kyouya/Kaoru in this story. I'm not a huge fan of the pairing so it is in no way primary. Just a tiny side story.

And to defend the pairing, the reason that a lot of fans put Kyouya and Kaoru together is because they actually do make sense as rebounds. Even the manga attests to that. When Tamaki and Hikaru are busy vying for Haruhi, who do Kyouya and Kaoru start hanging out with in the manga? Each other. There's even a bit of fanservice with them in the manga. So I understand where people are coming from with this pairing. Not a favorite pairing. Not a primary pairing. But yeah, it's staying.

If you decide to press on regardless of the Kyouya/Kaoru, I do hope you enjoy!

* * *

The next few moments blurred together for Tamaki. Haruhi's arms immediately unlinked from his neck, her warmth falling away. A small part of him regretted the move, but the other ninety percent was frozen under the severe scrutiny of the fuming woman glowering at him from the doorway.

"Daddy?" Tamaki choked, eyes widening, still planted back first on the carpet.

"It's not what it looks like!" Haruhi shook her head, palms waving at the apparent tranny. "I just-"

"Haruhi!" The transformation from murderous to loving as his eyes switched onto his daughter was instantaneous. He strolled across the room, hips moving from side to side. When he reached the blonde's frozen form on the floor, he paid him no mind, his four inch heels simply digging harshly into the boy's torso as he reached out with loving arms to embrace his daughter.

"GYAH!" Tamaki gave a sharp gasp and crumpled into a fetal position, arms clutching his stomach.

"Dad!" Haruhi cried from over her father's heavily perfumed shoulder. "I think you just st-"

"There, there, honey," The man indulged his daughter, letting the Coach bag fall from his shoulders to hit Tamaki square on the head. "Now what did I tell you about letting strangers in while I'm gone?" he frowned on the girl.

"He's not a stranger," Haruhi sighed as she reached down to remove the offending bag from Tamaki's throbbing head and placed it on the coatrack. "This is Tamaki-senpai. From the Host Club?"

"Oh," he chimed and turned to stare down at the trampled blonde, the skin beneath his eye twitching. "You mean the one that kidnapped you and almost ran me over last month?"

"... yeah, that one," Haruhi admitted reluctantly.

"F-F-Fujioka-san!" Tamaki had managed to scale the wall and climb to his feet despite his aching sides. "I'm so sorry!" He bowed repeatedly, palms pressed together. "I never meant to hurt you! I actually came to make peace with you!" Trembling violet found cool hazel. "Will you accept my apology?!"

The older man only stared at the boy, arms crossed, eyes narrowed, pupils trailing up and down his form like a hawk's. Tamaki fidgeted nervously under the inspection, finally wrapping his arms around himself to keep from squirming, his fingers clutching the soft, green cotton he'd taken scissors to just hours earlier. The man blinked, earning him a flinch, before stepping forward, eyes trained on the shirt.

"Is that..." he breathed. "Hugo Boss?" He grasped Tamaki's collar roughly and pulled the material forward. Tossing the expensive sunglasses onto the kitchen counter, he tugged it centimeters away from his eyes.

Tamaki gasped. How had he known?! Haruhi wouldn't know designer fabric from a dollar store brand. He should have expected her father to be more shrewd! He hung his head in shame. "I had hoped you wouldn't notice," he sighed. "But look, father!" He smiled and lifted a frayed sleeve. "It's been worn before!" He tugged at the waist where he'd snipped a few carefully positioned holes. "And I even adjusted it to fit your modest lifestyle!"

The blatant dislike in the man's eyes had given away to horror.

"You..." he lifted the tattered fabric, hands shaky. "Did this?"

"Yes," Tamaki- who was quite inept at sensing ensuing danger- nodded proudly, eyes gleaming. "I did!" He stuck out a pants leg to show off his ripped jeans. "These too!"

"True Religion?!" the tranny shrieked before tearing his eyes away from the thoroughly ravaged pants to face the blonde with a maddened gaze. "Boy."

He blinked. "Eh?"

HAVE YOU LOST YOUR GODDAMN MIND?!" He twisted the collar so tightly that the Host King gasped for breath.

"Dad..." Haruhi protested feebly, as if his ass kicking was a common occurrence.

"You think it's funny?!" he strangled, voice dipping into normal range, eyes murderous. "Chasing me down in your Rolls Royce, molesting my poor Haruhi and bringing ruined designer clothing into my home?!"

"P-please!" the Host King managed to choke out.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT SHIT COSTS?!" he roared before sending him flailing backwards across the apartment. Haruhi cringed as he crashed into the wall for a second time and immediately slunk down into corner mode, eyes watering. Her father always had a tendency of treating the few boys who had been unlucky enough to make her acquaintance badly, but this definitely took the cake.

"Hey Haruhi," a familiar voice came and she turned to see Hikaru stepping back into the doorway, Kaoru not far behind.

"Was that your auntie or something?" the younger twin added.

"MILF," they both winked and she groaned. This could get weird. But at least her father wouldn't put up with their presence for much longer. She turned to him, but to her surprise his expression was beaming. About facing from the fallen Host King, he pranced toward the two, flipping his auburn bangs from his eyes.

"Well, aren't you sweet," he grinned before leaning into them. "But I'm actually Haruhi's father."

They blinked at the man for a few moments before finally speaking.

"So you have a dick?" they both asked, eyes wide.

Haruhi waited for the explosion, but nothing came. Instead, he simply nodded matter of factly. "_Do_ I."

"Whoa, Haruhi," Hikaru glanced over his shoulder, grin wicked.

"You didn't tell us your dad was a tranny," Kaoru teased.

"Hey!" Tamaki blared from his corner. "Stop being so rude to-"

"Do you boys hear that?" the man rubbed at his ears. "Must be some vermin in the kitchen. Haruhi did you lay those traps out?"

She just heaved a sigh in response while the Hitachiins fell into a fit of laughter.

"Good one!" Kaoru slapped at his knees.

"It's about time someone put that pervert in his place," Hikaru agreed and her father tensed.

"Pervert?" he grunted, eye twitching again.

"Oh yeah, " Hikaru went on. "Haruhi didn't tell you about the S&-"

"SHUT UP!" Haruhi and Tamaki demanded in unison.

"Hm..." the man averted his gaze back to the blonde whom immediately shrank away. "Anyway!" he pressed on, eyes cheery again as he turned back on the twins. "You boys can call me Ranka!" His eyes flitted momentarily toward the corner of woe. "Just you."

"Nice to meet you, Ranka!" they greeted together, hands stretched out for a shake.

"Oh, come here!" He pulled them both into an embrace. "I feel like we know each other already!"

There was another wince from the corner of woe.

"And you're dressed so well!" he exclaimed, taking in their matching black on white ensemble in awe. "Is that Armani?!"

"It is," they nodded eagerly, sadistic eyes gleefully taking in the blonde's mortified expression.

"You're not dressed half bad yourself, Ranka-san," Kaoru complimented, eyes roving over the purple fabric.

"It's about four seasons behind," Hikaru frowned as he circled him. "But isn't that a Prada original?"

Haruhi groaned. If he went out and splurged at another designer outlet, they were never going to be able to make last month's rent. "Dad, I told you about-"

Ranka gave an excited squeal. "So you noticed!" He smirked. "I love boys who know their fashion." He linked arms with both twins. "Aren't they the cutest, Haruhiiii?"

Haruhi just rolled her eyes. She had a sneaking feeling that this was going to be a very long day...

As if to confirm her suspicions, the rest of the gang reentered the small chamber, stomachs rumbling, expressions agitated.

"Haru-chaaan!" the hobbit whined as he raced toward her. "I thought we were going to eat!"

"Mm," Mori nodded before patting his cousin gently on the head.

"Well,_ hello _there," Ranka unlinked arms with the twins and strutted toward the older boys, eyes trained on Mori. "I'm Ranka," the man took his hand without so much as an offer.

"Mm," Mori let out before realizing that he had to finish. "Morinozuka Takashi."

Ranka growled. "Haruhi!" he turned to his daughter, hands still clutching the boy's arm. "You didn't tell you had such hot friends!"

"Dad, stop hitting on Mori- senpai!" Haruhi scolded, red-faced from lecturing. Well, it's not as if it would do him any good. It was pretty safe to say that the senior wasn't into older men.

"Oh, I'm sure he doesn't mind," Ranka pouted into his daughter's chiding scowl.

"I mind!" Hunny rang just a bit too loudly and far too sweetly as he swiped his cousin's arm from the tranny. Haruhi could almost taste the poison dripping from the sing-song tone.

"Oh!" Ranka bent down, hands resting on his knees, to face the shorter boy. "Aren't you cute?!"

"I am!" Hunny agreed, smile insufferably adorable, poison still playing just below the surface. "Takashi LOVES cute things!" he clutched Mori's arm closer and gazed up at him expectantly. "Right Takashi?"

The giant gulped. "Right, Mitsukuni."

Ranka blinked at the two for a few seconds, lost in the confusion that they often emitted when another boy walked up to join them.

"Ranka-san," he addressed the man, the practiced smile curving over his lips, spectacles glazing. Ranka's eyes instantly lit up.

"Kyouya-kun!" he dove at the boy, embracing him, before pulling away and clamping his hands over both the Shadow King's cheeks. "I recognized your voice from over the phone, but I didn't expect you to be so handsome!"

"Wh-" A flame flickered in Haruhi's eyes and the nausea returned. She opened her mouth to articulate her deep, deep confusion. "What the fuck, Dad?!"

"Haruhi!" Ranka gasped, a hand clamped over his mouth. "What did I tell you about that kind of language?!"

"You use it all the time!" she roared. "And anyway-"

"Kyouya!" the Host King had taken a leave of absence from the corner of woe. "What's going-"

"Ah, ah, ah." Ranka wagged a finger in his face before he could affront the shorter boy.

"Er..." Tamaki stared at the finger. "Ranka-san?"

"Did I tell you you could use my name?" the man demanded darkly.

"N-n-" the blonde faced downward, thumbs twiddling.

"Did I tell you to come over here?"

"W-Well, no-"

"Then get your ass back to that corner."

"O-" he choked through sobs as he slumped across the carpet. "Okay..."

Ignoring the blonde's distraught state, Ranka turned back to glow at the Shadow King. "How have you been, Kyouya-kun?!" she led him over to the sofa. "I haven't talked to you since yesterday!"

The twins and Hunny stared in curiosity. Haruhi's jaw dropped.

"I'm fine, Ranka-san," Kyouya responded, taking a seat on the couch and patting the spot beside him in invitation. "How are you feeling? Do you still have that cough?"

"Oh, no!" Ranka waved him off as he sat down, legs crossed, hands folded. "I got over that weeks ago! But you're so sweet to remember!"

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" Haruhi boomed before rounding on Kyouya, fists clenched. "Why were you talking to my dad?"

Kyouya just grinned mechanically into the scowling face hovering over him. "It's my job to keep up with the well-being of every host. That includes your home life."

"Oh, Kyouya-kun!" Ranka leaned into him. "You're so professional! You should be club president!"

Kyouya gave his best modest vice president shrug. "I'm not sure if it's for me."

"Nonsense!" Ranka exclaimed. "You're probably smarter, hotter, better dressed and a billion times more equipped for the job anyway!"

The twins chuckled from the spots they'd taken next to the sofa as Tamaki winced again from his corner. He began to fidget for something in the pocket of his jeans. Haruhi groaned when she made out the little red lighter.

"No smoking weed in the apartment, senpai!" she chided, snatching the tiny bag before he could attempt to roll a blunt.

"B-B-"

"Disgusting." Ranka wrinkled his nose, eyes trained on the bag. "Haruhi, put that on my night stand."

"Dad!"

"Haruhiiii!" he whined and cursing in defeat, she stomped into a narrow hallway right of the dining area and disappeared. Tamaki's head slowly turned and teary violet eyes peered out from over his shoulder at the man.

"Y-You like it too, Fujioka-san?" he asked, eyes hopeful at the thought that he might have something in common with Father 1.

"I use it for medical reasons," Ranka spoke coldly from his place on the sofa, not even glancing his way. "You, on the other hand, are a despicable human being."

The blonde whimpered, arms squeezing his knees into his torso as if willing himself to disappear.

"It's in your room" a blatantly irritated Haruhi grumbled, returning from the hallway.

"Yay!" Ranka bounced and gave a few giddy claps before turning back to Kyouya. "So Kyou-kuuun!" he cooed. "Did you get those pictures I texted you?"

Haruhi's eyes narrowed. "Pictures?"

Kyouya nodded, enigmatic smile still in place. "They were adorable as usual, Ranka-san."

Haruhi's stomach dropped. No. No. God, no. He wouldn't. He couldn't! Even the Shadow King wouldn't stoop this low!

"I hope you didn't mind the nudity!" Ranka nudged at his shoulder and gave him a wink.

Now, her father, she wasn't so sure about.

"No," Kyouya waved his apologies off. "Not at all!"

"Y-You..." she trembled, eyes shadowed by her bangs, as she stood over her father. "You sent naked pics to Kyouya-senpai?"

"Hm?" Ranka blinked innocently up at his daughter. "Yes."

Haruhi's breath caught in her throat, a coolness settling over her head. How was she going to manage it? How was she going to manage to get her fingers around the Shadow King's throat before she completely lost consciousness? If she could only move her legs...

"Naked pictures of you, of course!" Ranka teased and stuck his tongue out.

She stared blankly at him. "Wh-what?"

"Haruhi was so cuuuute when she was a baby!" he announced to the twins and the two seniors gathered around him on the carpet, their eyes sparkling with more glee than baby pictures should inspire.

"You sent Kyouya-senpai Haruhi's baby pictures?!" Kaoru cried in disbelief.

"No fair!" Hikaru raged. "Foward them to me and Kaoru!"

"What's your number, Ranka-san?" they all but demanded, phones at the ready.

"Was she cuter than me?!" the hobbit pouted worriedly, his hands clamping tightly over Mori's arm so as to keep him from leaning over the screen of Kyouya's IPhone where a small child stared blankly up at them from a bathtub.

The Host King, whose expression had been transfixed in horror for much of the past minute, finally found his voice. "Kyouya!" he called, the false cheeriness in his tone doing little to mask the fury. "Can I talk to you for a minute?!"

"No," Ranka responded swiftly for the megane, his features frosting over again.

Tamaki recoiled as if he'd been slapped. "W-Well, can I at least see the baby pic-"

"A pervert like you?" he scoffed as he waved Kyouya's IPhone in the twins' curious faces. "I don't think so."

"B-But if Mori-senpai can-"

"DAD!" Haruhi zoomed toward her father, nearly tripping over her skirt, and swiped the phone from his hands. "That's private!" She skimmed through photo after photo under 'Received Messages', eyes widening in terror. "You sent my middle school pictures too?!"

"But Haruhiiii!" he cooed, tears brimming. "You were so cute! I just had to show someone!"

"Why Kyouya-senpai?!" she spat, her index finger lashing out to point at the boy. "Of all people?!"

Ranka frowned worriedly. "What's wrong with Kyou-kun?" He squeezed lightly at the boy's shoulder. "He seems like a perfect gentleman!"

Haruhi just turned to stare at her senior, normally soft brown eyes hard and furious. He returned the stare, arms crossed, eyes masked. Who knew what was brewing underneath? She had a good mind to reach over and snatch those glasses away when his eyebrow raised ever so slightly. She tensed. Was that a challenge? Her mind traveled to their conversation that night at Nekozawa's mansion. Telling her father was as good as relaying what happened to the headmaster. He wasn't exactly the most discreet person she knew. And it would all go downhill from there if what the Shadow King said was true. Best to go about this in the diplomatic way.

"Go to hell, senpai," she grumbled before tossing the phone to the carpet, stalking toward the door and grabbing her messenger bag. "I'm going for a walk."

"But Haruhiiii!" Ranka whined in protest. The girl just wheeled around and eyed their guests in warning.

"And don't any of you dare fucking follow me." Then in a blur of brown, green and denim, she disappeared outside, the door slamming roughly behind her. They sat in a confused silence when Ranka finally broke it with a sigh.

"Poor thing," he sighed, fingers massaging at his temples. "She's probably just stressed out lately from exams.

"Probably," The Shadow King's gaze still hovered over the doorway, his features considerably more tired than before. He had to stop digging these holes for himself...

"Kyouya!" A whispery voice came. "Spsssss! Kyouya!"

The entire room turned toward the far right wall where Tamaki was creeping along on all fours. He immediately froze upon divulgence, the gigantic 'Shit!' written all over his face.

Ranka peered at him, eyes narrowed. "The fuck are you doing?"

"I... I was just..." He suddenly seemed very occupied with the carpet. "... making sure that there were no rodents..."

"You mean besides you?" Ranka heaved a sigh and before the virgin could respond with his usual tragic sorrow, he rose to his feet. "Let's go to the dining room, boys." He winked. "I'll shut the door so he can't follow us."

"Okay!" the twins bounced up excitedly and linked arms with the tranny once again, sadistic eyes locked on Tamaki the entire time. He just whimpered. With friends like them, who needed the Zuka Club? Mori and the hobbit shot him sympathetic glances before heading toward the room themselves and Kyouya, per usual, trailed behind. The Host King sniffed to himself. All was lost. But then... he eyed the wall adjacent to the dining room and a slow grin spread over his lips.

"Want to sit by me, Mori-kun?!" Ranka offered with a wink as they made their way across the living area.

Hunny gave the senior a warning glare, his death grip tightening.

"Mitsukuni," the giant stared down at his cousin. "My circulation."

"Quiet, Takashi."

Kyouya gave a sigh as he followed his clubmates into the room. He should have never gone along with this. He'd only been taken off guard after Tamaki's discovery that morning. Now he'd gone and gotten himself into even deeper shit with the commoner and Ranka was far more charming from a distance... Something suddenly caught his eye. Something odd. He stopped to study it. He'd noticed the broom closet before, but it had been shut tightly. Now the door stood slightly ajar. Their party had never approached it. So who could have opened it besides... His eyes widened as realization dawned on him and he started quickly for the dining room, but it was too late. Two lengthy arms reached out and dragged him scratching and biting into the enclosed space, the door shutting behind him. Now in complete darkness, the Shadow King massaged at his head in preparation for the coming headache, the putrid scent of moth balls filling his nostrils. There was a small clicking sound and a dim light spread through out the narrow, but lengthy closet area. Shelves of dusty old boxes and long forgotten trinkets lined the walls. Just in front of him stood a rather furious blonde, cheeks stained with tears, one hand gripping a string that hung from the ceiling. Kyouya blinked once. Nope. He turned to reach for the door handle, but Tamaki was quick. Wrenching the boy by the collar of his vest, he swung him toward the back of the closet, switching their positions. Kyouya staggered backwards, his hands gripping the rearmost shelves to avoid spinal damage. He glanced up, eyes now equally frustrated.

"Godammit, Tamaki..."

"Shut up!" the blonde hissed as he closed in on him. "How long have you been talking to Haruhi's dad behind my back?!"

"You mean how long have I been doing your job?!" the brunette snarled. "You can't blackmail someone into joining a host club and masquerading as the opposite sex in front of the entire school without checking in with their family first." Or at least lulling them into a false sense of security. "You'd have to be stupid not to know that, Tamaki."

"B-But.. How... Wh-wh-" Tamaki struggled to use his words, face reddening. He could only take so much criticism in one day! "Why do you have her baby pictures?!"

"Weren't you listening?" Kyouya scowled, his palm meeting with his forehead. "Ranka sent them-"

"Why do you still have them?!" The blonde raised the Shadow King's own phone to his face and the boy's eyes widened.

"How did you get that?!" he reached for the phone, but Tamaki just pulled away. Cursing, he scratched roughly at his bangs. He'd been so occupied with Haruhi's outburst that he hadn't thought to retrieve the damned thing. Perhaps he really was slipping...

"They're all in here!" the Host King blubbered, his eyes glued to the glass as he sped through photo after photo. "Even from last month!" he squeaked, pupils moving rapidly. "THEY'RE SO CUTE! KYOUYA, WHY?!"

"Why what?!" Kyouya snapped, launching out and finally snatching the phone from the blonde's grasp before burying it deep inside of his jeans pocket.

"Why didn't you send them to me?!" Tamaki raged, tears building again. "But more importantly," his eyes hardened. "Why didn't you delete them?"

The Shadow King continued to gaze at him, the almost bored expression never wavering, but inside he began to tense. Tamaki knew- perhaps better than anyone else- that picture messages sent the Ootori's way tended to see the digital trash can sooner than most. In fact, he often trashed the majority of Tamaki's stupid forwards, random pictures of Kuma-chan or his dog Antionette, shots of commoner's goods and other nonsense in less than a minute. So then why had he kept the commoner's pictures for so long? Surely he couldn't explain to Tamaki that his curiosity had gotten the best of him and he'd been... studying them. Studying the source of the powerful curse she'd seemingly placed over the majority of his fellow club members. Studying the cause for her nonchalance and blatant disregard toward their amorous affections. Studying the reason why he had none. Or at least not enough to rival Tamaki and the twins. Besides, it was only natural for him to be curious about the person who saw through his I'm-A-Heterosexual-Rapist facade in less than ten minutes. Hoarding their pictures was a completely reasonable thing to do.

"I don't always delete my pictures," he lied.

"Then why do you always-?!"

"Because you send me stupid shit," he growled, losing a bit of his cool.

Tamaki barely flinched before the former darkness returned to his features. His violet eyes held the same seriousness they had that night in Kyouya's bedroom. The words seemed to squirm about between his lips for a while before he finally let them slip. "Do you like her?" he breathed softly.

Kyouya groaned in exasperation before glancing up to meet his eyes. The anxious yet vulnerable intensity there could killed him. "No, Tamaki."

He wasn't quite certain why, but the resulting sigh of relief made him want to slap the blonde.

"Then..." Tamaki folded his arms, brow furrowed. "You aren't..." He lifted an arm to scratch at his bangs, teeth biting into his bottom lip. "You and her father-"

"God, no, Tamaki!" he spat- his pride wounded. First Haruhi. Then the Host King. The club's opinion of him seemed to sink lower and lower with each passing day. "He's almost as agitating as you are! And besides," he hissed. "I'm not gay."

Tamaki raised an eyebrow, his head tilting to the side. Kyouya's eyes went full on demonic glare. He stepped forward, fists clenching.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"Well," Tamaki smiled bitterly as he leaned against a shelf, arms folded, attempting to focus on any of the Shadow King's features besides his eyes. "It just sounds kind of weird coming from the guy who hooked up with Kaoru this morning."

Steam might have flared out of the Shadow King's nose. His eyes glazed over instantly and he reached up to press his glasses harshly into place. "We didn't do anything," he grumbled. "Honestly, he needed to talk to someone," the lie unraveled easily from his lips. "He was upset because he feels like Hikaru isn't paying as much attention to him," he finished and waited for Tamaki's reaction. It was the perfect disguise. Kaoru was, after all, upset over his brother's sudden interest in Haruhi and Tamaki was just gullible enough to buy it. The blonde blinked at him, his expression indiscernible as he studied the Shadow King's impenetrable expression. He finally grinned.

"Nice try," he applauded with rare sarcasm. "But I know you better than that."

Kyouya groaned. Tamaki always chose to be perceptive at the worst times. But then... "So what if we had?" he eyed the blonde vigilantly. "Why do you care?"

"Hm?" Tamaki's eyes widened. It was his turn to be scrutinized. "Er... I... DON'T," he stammered, nearly tripping against the shelves. "Not really! I just wanted you to admit it is all!"

Something swelled in Kyouya's chest. Something ecstatic. Euphoric even. "Why?"

"Because," Tamaki huffed, cheeks reddening. "You shouldn't... It's bad to lie, Kyouya!"

Kyouya just smirked. As terrible as he'd been about covering that morning's incident up, he did deception considerably better than the Host King ever could. "I lie a lot, Tamaki. It's never bothered you this much before." He moved in closer to the flustered Host King and the blonde swallowed hard. "Are you..."

Tamaki omitted a low sound.

"J-"

"NO!" the Host King boomed. "I'm not JEALOUS! WHY WOULD I BE JEALOUS?! WHAT WOULD I HAVE TO BE JEALOUS OF?!"

The Shadow King started to respond when he caught something out of the corner of his eye- a face peering at them out of the dimness. Tamaki let out a high pitched yelp of surprise.

"RANKA-SAN!"

"Why hello, boys!" Ranka exclaimed from the doorway, the skin beneath his eye twitching. "What are you doing here in my closet?!"

"Ranka-san," Kyouya addressed the man immediately with a practiced smile. "I was going to join you in the dining room when I noticed Tamaki rummaging through your belongings." His veiled eyes scanned the shelves. "With all of the old photos in here, I think he thought he could find one of Haruhi. I was trying to convince him that what he was doing was an invasion of privacy, but he wouldn't listen."

Tamaki gasped.

Ranka's fingers curled into fists, his lips sneering. "Of course," he muttered, voice trembling. "I should have known..."

"R-R-Ranka-san!" the blonde blubbered, approaching him on bended knees. "Please-"

"Get. Out," Ranka glared down on him, arms crossed.

"B-But-"

"I never want to see you in my house again," he scowled, leaning down into the blonde's fearful features. "I never want to see you in this neighborhood again!"

The blonde shook his head dramatically as he crawled backwards toward the front door. "But I didn't-!"

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!" he bellowed, his voice dropping a few octaves.

Sobbing, the Host King dashed for the door and swung it open.

"Oh, and Tamaki," Kyouya called, the earlier smirk returning to his lips.

"Y-Yes?" the blonde forced through sobs as he turned back to face his best friend.

"I was going to say 'Joking'."

The color drained from the blonde's features, his eyes widening as Ranka finally slammed the door in his face.

"That was kind of harsh," the twins frowned.

"Ah, he'll get over it." Ranka grumbled with zero sympathy.

"Probably." They went back to nonchalance.

Ignoring the sound of steadily drifting sobs, Ranka turned back to his audience of rich boys, hands on his hips. "So now," he winked, eyes growing sultry. "Why don't we do something fun?" he purred.

They all stared at him for a moment.

"Ranka-san, not that you aren't beautiful," Kaoru started.

" But ew," the twins finished together.

"We're not really into trannies," Hikaru explained.

"Or dads," Kaoru put in.

"Don't be little perverts," a slightly offended Ranka scowled at the twins. "I didn't mean that kind of fun." He glanced over his shoulder at the giant. "Unless Mori-senpai is on board."

Hunny bared his teeth and growled.

"I meant something else entirely." The man took his Coach bag from the rack and placed the sunglasses back over his eyes. "We're going to visit an old friend of mine."

They all exchanged suspicious glances. Well, it wasn't as if they had anything better to do. And who knows? Maybe they'd get some more dirt on Haruhi...

* * *

Haruhi took another deep breath as she leaned against the side of her apartment building. She'd been crouched there for the past thirty minutes playing a solo game of tic tac toe on her Cultural Studies notes. She'd tried actually studying the subject, but she couldn't bring herself to pay attention. Images of the Host Club ransacking her apartment and her father being all buddy buddy with the Shadow King continuously invaded her inner vision and in the end she'd been reduced to silly, time wasting games that didn't require half as much concentration. Sighing, she lifted her eyes to the steadily darkening sky. Were they gone yet? As if responding to her inquiry, a deep sob followed immediately. A heaviness settled in the pit of her stomach. She would know that sob anywhere. It came again and she bit down on her lip. No. She would not follow it. To do so would be exposing herself to the inevitable childish antics that followed and she just couldn't stomach it right now.

"Maman..."

Her eyes widened, the structure of her stupid, commoner heart breaking. He'd hit her right where it hurt. The bastard. Not even bothering to argue with her moving feet, she shoved the notebook into her messenger bag and started around the corner to the back of the apartment building- a small, lonely parking lot. Tamaki sat on a parking curb, arms draped around his knees, face buried. She approached him slowly, as anyone does a wild and unpredictable animal, eyes questioning.

"Hey," she greeted blankly when she was close enough.

One eye peered out from the mess of blonde. "Hey."

"My French might be a little messy, but," She folded her arms. "Were you calling your mom?"

"Hm?" he blinked up at her, fingers wiping away at the tears. "Oh," he nodded. "Sometimes I talk to her when no one else is around." He laughed softly. "Sorry, I didn't know you were there. You must think I'm weird."

She nodded. "I do think you're weird."

He whimpered, head returning to his knees.

"But not because of that," she smiled warmly. "I do that sometimes too."

He'd thought he'd heard her talking to herself when she first opened the door to Host Club. And he'd just assumed she was a little crazy... "Really?" he blinked, head popping up again.

"Yeah," she nodded, taking a seat beside him on the curb.

They sat in silence for a while and it occurred to him that this was the second time today that he'd wheeled their conversation toward her dead mother. Best to change direction.

"I think your dad hates me..." he mumbled, more tears glazing his eyes.

"He's just being hard on you because I fell on you earlier," she sighed before giving him an apologetic look. "Sorry by the way."

"H-He told me n-never to come back again," he sobbed.

"Uninvited?" she asked hopefully.

"PERIOD!" he sobbed, snot running from his nose.

"He doesn't mean it." She handed him a Kleenex from her bag before reaching a hand out to take his. "Come on. I'm going to the Farmer's Market to get groceries for dinner." She glanced back toward the front of the building. "They're probably not leaving anytime soon."

He blew into the tissue, curiosity taking the place of deep sorrow. "Farmer's market?"

"It's an outside shopping mart. You'd like it," she pressed, though she was beginning to second guess herself. "You'd like it too much actually."

But it was too late. He was on his feet, Kleenex tossed into the nearest bin, eyes glowing brighter already. "L-Like a commoner's shopping mart?"

She bit her lip. "Yes..."

"Are we going to walk there?" he asked, excitement playing just below his tone as she guided him along. "Like real commoners?"

"No," she responded coldly. "We're taking a bus."

"A BUS?!" he exclaimed loudly enough for passing neighbors to stare at the two curiously.

She groaned. Why had she thought this was a good idea again?

Meanwhile...

"Here we are!" Ranka announced. He had stopped in front of a quaint little box shaped brick house sandwiched between two other homes. Laundry hung out in the alleyways. The front garden blossomed with yellow and red flowers. That is until Ranka brought four inch heels down upon them, stomping relentlessly and then kicking the dismembered petals and stems onto the curb.

"Ranka-san," Kyouya massaged at his temples. "Why did you ask us to drive you here?"

"And why are you stomping on their flowers?" the twins frowned.

"Oh, the flowers are just the beginning," Ranka explained, breathing labored from all that stomping as he made his way across the asphalt and toward the street. "THIS," he pointed to a blue car. ", is Ishizu-san's prized 2012 Mustang GT."

They blinked at it, unimpressed.

"THIS," The man lifted the skirts of his purple dress slightly and pulled a long, black stick from his leggings. ", is a crow bar."

"Uh oh," Mori responded appropriately.

Kyouya took the twins by the shoulders. "Get back in the car!"

"What did the crow bar say to the Mustang?!"

"Ranka-san!" Hunny cried, covering his eyes.

"Holy shit!" The Hitachiins resisted the Shadow King's demands, their eyes wide with glee as the metal slammed down on the windshield, glass shattering immediately.

"BAD ASS!" they cheered and applauded.

"You think that was good?" Ranka smirked, breathing heavy. "Watch this," He brought the crow bar down, harder this time, denting the hood. The twins cheered again and he began to sing his own rendition of "Bust the Windows Out Your Car".

"Ranka-san!" Kyouya pleaded, the diplomatic disguise dropped. "You've done enough. We have to get the hell ou-"

"RANKA!" a deep voice boomed and they all turned to face the front door of the house where a tall, 40 something stared out at the Mustang, eyes bulging. "RANKA, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

The rear window shattered to pieces. "Oh, now you want to talk to me?!" he roared, flipping his auburn bangs out of teary eyes. "After weeks of avoiding me! I tried calling you! I tried dropping by!"

"RANKA!" the man stormed out towards the car, but Ranka waved the crow bar wildly, stopping him in his tracks.

"You just pretended you weren't home!" he continued. "But I knew you were in there with THAT SNEAKY BITCH!"

"That bitch is my wife!" the man roared in retaliation, sweat clinging to his forehead and dripping down to soak his moustache. "What we had..." He lowered his tone. "It was just a fling-"

"OH NOW IT'S JUST A FLING?!" Ranka roared, knocking out both the back and the front driver's window at once. "YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME! I LET YOU INTO MY HOME! YOU MET MY DAUGHTER!"

"I'm her dentist!" the man roared.

"NO MORE FUCKING EXCUSES!" He climbed atop the car and went at it from the roof.

"NO! STOP!" he cried, but everytime he approached, the tranny turned the crow bar on him. When he was finally satisfied with the level of destruction or too tired to complete the task, Ranka slid down from the thouroughly destroyed Mustang, the crow bar still in hand. Whipping his hair out of his eyes, he passed the stunned boys and faced the trembling man.

"I just came here to tell you," he wheezed. ", that I'm so over you." Flipping his hair back again, he strutted toward Mori and wrapped an arm around his neck. Hunny gritted his teeth so harshly, he nearly popped a blood vessel. Mori gloomed in uncertainty. Should he listen to the bipolar karate maniac or the psycho with the crow bar? Decisions. Decisions.

"I've got a new guy now," He flourished all around him. "Five actually." He stopped to eye the seething Hunny with distaste. "Well, four." He smirked into the man's horrified face. "They go to Ouran University!" he lied. "And they're all younger, hotter and more accomplished than you'll ever be!"

Ishizu just continued to gaze at his disgraced vehicle. Ranka fumed.

"WILL YOU STOP STARING AT THAT GODDAMN CAR AND LISTEN TO ME FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND?!" he demanded, tears building.

"Sweetie!" They turned to the doorway once again to see a woman who couldn't be more than 30, her chestnut brown ponytail bouncing from side to side as she rushed toward her husband. "Sweetie, are you okay?!"

"Oh..." Ranka's eyes narrowed as he cracked his knuckles. "This bitch..."

* * *

"Tamaki-senpai!" Haruhi scolded, embarrassed eyes darting about the bus as several onlookers peered at the couple. "Sit down!"

"Haruhi!" he squealed, his forehead and palms pressed to the glass, eyes wide with excitement. "Those kids are drawing boxes on the ground with chalk!" He pointed incessantly and she groaned.

"It's called hopscotch, senpai. And sit down!" she yanked at his shirt. "Those windows are dirty and you're going to get us kicked off!" He had already pulled the 'Stop' string five times to the dismay of the driver, a short, burly, and- perhaps most distinctly- tired man. She was ignored as usual.

"Can we do hopscotch in front of your apartment, Haruhi?" he turned to her for a short moment.

"No," she sighed. "It's not our property."

"LOOK HARUHI!" his face was pressed against the smudgy windows again. "A REAL ICE CREAM TRUCK!"

The little white van with popsicles and fudgebars painted on its sides sped forward and he began to crawl across the top seat in front of him. "CAN WE GET OFF FOR A MINUTE, HARUHI?!"

The entire bus eyed her hopefully.

"Y-Young man!" A silver haired man with a walking cane eyed the boy fearfully as he hovered over his seat, hands reaching for the string.

"SIT DOWN!" Haruhi wrenched him backwards by his hair and he fell into the seat beside her back first.

"Ow!" he massaged at the back of his head before laughing uncontrollably into her blatantly unimpressed expression.

"Sorry," he apologized, wiping a mirthful tear away. "I've just never ridden a bus before."

"I hadn't noticed," she grumbled, trying her damndest to ignore the pack of eyes on them.

"They're such a cute couple!" An elderly lady in a bonnet toward the front of the bus cooed to her friends and they all giggled, agreeing affably. Tamaki's cheeks reddened considerably and he began fidgeting with his fingers. She just lowered her head toward her lap. Stupid old people...

They sat in silence for a few blessed moments when Tamaki suddenly became very interested in the back of the bus. She raised an eyebrow at him and turned to see what had captivated the blonde so. There appeared to be two men in the very back near the emergency door. One of them was dressed in an oversized black coat, large cheap sunglasses veiling the majority of his unshaven face. He passed something small and green to the the younger man who couldn't have been more than twenty-one. The latter's reddish eyes squinted in gratitude as he passed the man a couple of yen notes.

"Senpai," Haruhi whispered, her voice lined with warning. "Stop staring. I think he's selling-" She stopped mid-sentence, blinking at the empty seat beside her. She turned back to the scene and an uncontrollable gasp escaped her throat. Tamaki had taken the place of Red Eyes.

"I'll take a dozen!" Tamaki announced loudly as he strolled down the aisle. "No! Three dozen of those!" Their fellow riders turned curiously toward the back of the bus.

Haruhi didn't need the man to take his glasses off to know his eyes had widened in fear.

"Hey!" he hissed. "Keep it down, kid! You wanna get me in trouble?!"

"Oh!" Tamaki gasped as he reached him, hands flying over his lips. "You're right," he bowed, his voice a whisper. "I'm sorry. I'd be embarrassed too if I was reduced to selling illegal drugs for a living."

The man's teeth clamped together, forehead wrinkling. "You think you're funny, huh, kid?"

"Hm?" Tamaki blinked. "I don't know what you mean. It's not funny at all."

The man's fists clenched.

"But I understand," He placed a hand to his chest. "And that's why I want to buy your entire stock," he told him, sympathetic eyes glistening. "You won't go hungry for months!"

Before the man could sock him one, Haruhi had gripped him tightly by the wrist and dragged him in the opposite direction.

"HARUHI!" he cried, limbs flailing. "WAIT! I NEED TO SAVE THAT MAN! HE NEEDS MY BUSINESS!"

"Senpai!" she growled, struggling to keep her voice low. "He doesn't want it!" She pointed to the man who was currently pummeling his palm with his fist and scowling at the two. "You insulted him."

"Oh," Tamaki frowned. Of course, commoners have their pride too! He struggled to manuever around her. "Then I have to apologize-"

"No!" She pushed against him until they were back at their seat. "You tried to apologize to my dad! Remember how well that worked out?!"

Memories from not even an hour ago flooded back to him and he fell into emo mode again, eyes hiding behind his hair. He let the girl direct him in front of her and further toward the seat.

"Now sit down, senpai," she directed, pointing at the seat. He did, resting his head against the window.

"Sit up," she wagged her finger at him. "It's dirty."

He did, arms crossed, and she sighed, gazing out of the window. And he had the nerve to think he was the "father" here. Speaking of her father, that auburn haired woman chasing after that girl with the ponytail sure looked a lot like him. She even dressed like him. And the man shielding the younger woman reminded her a lot of her dentist. Speaking of which, wasn't that Hikaru and Kaoru rooting the attacker on with their fists? And Kyouya-senpai dragging the hobbit and Mori toward that limo that looked just like the one they'd attempted a kidnapping in earlier? She blanched as sick realization hit her.

"Oh my God," Tamaki had emerged from his short depression, eyes squinting. "Is that..."

Haruhi's hand had already grasped the string hanging above them. "STOP THE BUS!"

Ignoring Tamaki's complaints about how she'd promised she would let him pull the string come time, she marched toward the entrance, nearly tripping over her skirt as she exited the bus, and made her way toward the chaos in a huff.

"DAD!" she roared. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO ISHIZU-SAN?!"

The entire group turned to stare at her. The twins fists fell to their sides. Her father's eyes widened, the crow bar falling from his grasp.

"H-Haruhi!" he nearly shrieked, hands flying to his lips. "Honey, what are you doing here?!"

"What are_ you_ doing here?!" she retorted before eying the completely trashed Mustang and groaning. "Aw, dad! Not again!"

Tamaki glowered at the Hitachiins. "What did you two assholes do?!"

They raised two eyebrows. "Why is it always our fault?"

"Haruhi-kun!" Ishizu turned toward her, eyes desperate, arms clutching his wife. He eyed the blonde. "Eh..."

"Another one of my boyfriends," Ranka explained, expression smug.

"WHAT?" Tamaki and Haruhi both cried.

"Ishizu-san please!" Haruhi rushed to her more than likely ex-dentist, palms pressed together. "You know how he gets! He was drinking a lot last night and-"

"My baby!" The man sobbed as he rushed toward the Mustang. "My poor baby!"

"What about me?!" his wife roared from across the street where it was safe.

"Eh..." Haruhi gulped. "Ishizu-san-"

"Haruhi," the man addressed her, teary eyes serious. "This car was five million yen," He eyed Ranka warily. "I could sue your father for ten times as much!"

Haruhi's mouth went try. "W-We don't have that much," she squeaked.

"Then I could sue him for as much as he has," the man responded, avoiding the girl's pleading eyes.

"That's not fair!" Tamaki snapped, stepping forward, eyes watering. "Where's your humanity?! Only Kyouya would do something like that!"

The Shadow King's eyes narrowed.

"He destroyed my car!" the man bellowed, arms motioning wildly to the mess of a vehicle.

"Fine, you make a good point," the blonde nodded, eyes solemn. "If you leave Haruhi and his father alone," he paused and Haruhi stared at him hopefully.

"I'll give you my Hot Wheels collection."

They all groaned.

"Everyone get in the limo," Kyouya waved everyone toward the vehicle. "I'll handle this."

"I've been collecting Hot Wheels and other commoner's toys for years!" Tamaki explained as Haruhi dragged him to the limo. "I have over a thousand models!"

Likewise, Mori, the twins and the hobbit were attempting to force the ever fiery tranny into the car.

"WAIT!" Ranka clawed at the outside with inch long red nails. "I never got a chance to kick that bitch's ass!"

Mrs. Ishizu yelped and took off further down the road.

"Ranka-san!" Kaoru argued. "Kyouya-senpai is trying to save you from being even more poor than you already are."

"I DON'T CARE!" Ranka wailed. "JUST ONE GOOD SLAP-" They finally managed to slam the door on him and Mori immediately rushed around to make sure the opposite door was locked. Once they were all inside, they sat in an awkward silence and took turns shooting nervous glances at Ranka. They were usually ignored with the exception of Tamaki's which earned him a, "Fuck you lookin at?"

"Got any booze in here?" Ranka grumbled. Haruhi started to protest when the main door slid open and Kyouya climbed inside, expression just as kept as ever.

"What happened?" Haruhi voiced the question that hung from all of their tongues.

"He agreed not to sue," Kyouya sighed. "Or tell anyone what happened."

"Alright!" They all exchanged high fives.

"As long as we pay a certain amount back within a year."

Haruhi bit her lip. "How much?"

"2.5 million yen," Kyouya leaned back next to her, arms crossed."He was going to ask full price for the car."

"Why didn't he?" Hikaru raised an eyebrow.

Kyouya's features tensed before responding reluctantly. "... he wants Tamaki's Hot Wheels collection."

"I KNEW IT!" the blonde gushed before reaching to embrace the commoner and being whacked upside the head in return with an all too familiar designer bag. But he supposed it was better than the crow bar...

* * *

When they'd finally reached their long adjourned destination at the Farmer's Market, it was only an hour til close. Haruhi speedily shopped among the wooden carts, her fingers flying over an assortment of meats, grains and spices. Hunny yelled over the bakers' shoulders at the Bakery stand that they "weren't doing it right" as Mori struggled to calm his lover. The twins found joy in tossing random pieces at fruit from the produce stand at innocent bystanders when they weren't looking and then pretending to face the opposite direction. Kyouya studied the Meds cart intently. Tamaki, however, found no interest in their wares. At least not for the moment. He stared intently after a little girl who was throwing a fit at a dessert cart.

"I WANT THAT!" She pointed to a box of chocolate eclairs. "AND THAT!" Chocolate chip cookies. "AND THIS!" A pack of giant Pocky. The little girl huffed and puffed until she was red and swollen like a balloon.

"Honey, please!" a woman with exhausted eyes pleaded. "Not until after dinner-"

"I WANT DONUTS NOOOOOW!" she wailed.

"Little shit." Tamaki jumped at the familiar tone and turned to see Ranka at his side, her expression stern, arms crossed. "My Haruhi never behaved that way as a child."

"Hm." Tamaki blinked before smiling. "No, I can't imagine."

"Why are you staring at her anyway?" Ranka snarled. "You some type of pedophile or something?"

"N-N-No!" the blonde waved his hands. "I was just watching her and her mother..." he trailed off, unsure of how to phrase it without being offensive. "I couldn't begin to think of-"

"Haruhi took it surprisingly well," Ranka cut in, for once saving him the embarrassment. "Better than me probably." He sighed and leaned against a fabrics cart, daring the Shopkeeper to say something with his eyes. "I used to follow her around just to make sure she was alright." He stared off into space and the Farmer's Market under the yellow evening glow rippled out of focus to make way for a flashback.

A younger Ranka with considerably less weave crouched along the side of several dark wooden barrels, clutching the collar of his lime green trench coat tightly. He could just make out his darling Haruhi's head bobbing above the fish section. She was obsessing over fatty tuna again. How cute! His shoulders tensed as a group of boys approached her.

"Hey Haruhi!" the tallest child squeaked, eyes menacing. Why're you here alone?"

"Yeah!" a shorter boy with large coke bottle glasses and early acne agreed. "Where's your transexual dad?!"

The little girl blinked, slightly annoyed as she pulled away from the tuna, brushing her long, dark brown tresses over her shoulders. "He's not a transexual," she explained calmly. "He's a transvestite. He doesn't actually want to be a woman."

The boy's eyes narrowed in confusion, their little brains going into overdrive. Finally the tallest of them scoffed.

"Whatever." The boy stuck his tongue out. "Either way, he does it with other dudes!"

The boys broke out into a chorus of "Ew"s and "Faggot"s as they sped away from the girl, sticking their tongues out and laughing all the while. The tiny commoner simply stared after them for a split second before shrugging nonchalantly and happily returning to her tuna.

Ranka, on the other hand, was furious. As the little dipshits passed him, he yanked them behind the barrel one by one, whacking away at them with his black and white Louis Vuitton.

"DIDN'T!" WHACK! "YOUR!" WHACK! "PARENTS!" WHACK! "TEACH YOU ANY!" WHACK! "MANNERS?!" he demanded as he wailed away, mascara stained eyes wild.

"Dad?"

He turned around, expression magically morphing from murderous to innocent.

"Haruhiiiii!" he cooed as he danced toward his daughter. "Imagine seeing you here!"

"Dad," she started, her eyes traveling downward to the stunned, motionless pile of boys on the ground. "How come whenever I run into you, there's always knocked out kids lying around?"

"Er... um..." He scratched nervously at his cheek. "I d-don't know where they come from."

The girl gave a deep sigh. "Were you following me again, dad?"

His breath caught. "Er... NO!" He fidgeted wildly with the purse. "I was just... shopping for..." He paused to think of something he typically shopped for. Something he bought often. "Condoms!" he exclaimed, his hand immediately slapping over his lips in response. "I MEAN-"

"Condoms?" Haruhi frowned, recalling the little wrappers she often found scattered about the house when cleaning after her father's lovers had enjoyed a particularly long stay. "I thought you said you weren't dating anyone for a month."

"Er..." The man poked his fingers together. "I'M NOT! I was just... kidding..."

Haruhi scrutinized him for a bit longer before finally letting a tiny smile grace her lips. "You're so gross."

"Eh, Ranka-san?" Another, thoroughly unwelcome voice invaded his flashback and the memory subsided to allow a stupid blonde head into the picture.

"What?" he snarled and the blonde backed away.

"N-Nothing," Tamaki gulped, reaching back to scratch at his head. "It's just... you were staring into space for no reason. I thought you had had a stroke or some-"

"ARE YOU CALLING ME OLD?!" Ranka raged.

"N-No-"

"So Tamaki," he started and the Host King glowed, eyes sparkling with tears.

"You called me by my name!"

"Don't get used to it," the man growled and folded his arms before going on. "Who do you think would make a better boyfriend for Haruhi?"

Tamaki's stomach sank as the tranny began to survey his peers.

"Mori-kun is tall and strong," Ranka gushed, hands clamped together against his cheeks.

"Eh, I don't think Mori-senpai goes for-"

"The twins are adorable..."

"Ranka-san!" Tamaki hissed, moving in to whisper to the man. "You must cut contact with them at once! You have no concept of their trickery-!"

"And Kyouya-kun!" Ranka gave a dreamy sigh and Tamaki gulped. "He's so handsome and smart and mature!"

"Yeah, yeah," Tamaki grumbled as he leaned against a street post, the depression returning.

The man sighed and turned to face him, expression tense. "Too bad he's gay."

Tamaki froze, not daring to glance up from his emo pose. "Wh-what?" he finally croaked, head reluctantly rising, the fear plain in his eyes. "Kyouya's not-!"

"Oh please!" the man rounded on him, nostrils flaring. "Don't insult me. Do you know how many years I spent picking out the fruit loops from my supposedly 'straight' cute friends? My gaydar is on point!" He jabbed the blonde in the chest with his index finger. "I knew from our first phone conversation!"

Stammering incoherently, the boy stumbled backwards as the man loomed over him.

"Do you know what I hate even more than closeted gay men, Tamaki-kun?" Ranka pouted.

"Wh-what?" the blonde squeaked, nearly tripping over his own feet.

"I hate closeted gay men who trick other gay men into thinking they're on board before riding off in their fucking Mustangs with their cute fucking wives!" he seethed into the blonde's face.

Tamaki's breath hitched as his feet finally made contact with a diary cart and he pressed both hands against the sides before he could stumble back-first into it. No where to run now... "I don't under-"

"I can't pretend to know what you've done to that poor boy," Ranka placed a hand to his chest on Kyouya's behalf. "But I do know one thing." He leaned into the blonde, forcing him against several jugs of milk, margarine and other less comfortable products.

"If you hurt my daughter," he whispered, eyes dead serious. "I will look for you,"

Tamaki swallowed hard.

"I will find you."

The whites of his eyes ballooned.

"And I will cut your fucking dick off."

The blonde let out a high pitched croaking sound as Ranka finally stood and strutted away with his usual sultry grin as if he hadn't just threatened to castrate an underaged boy. A waterfall of cheese, sour cream and butter products cascaded to the ground as Tamaki staggered from his place upon the cart. A stubby man in a white chef's cap cursed after him as he crawled away to safety, expression permanently frozen in terror.

"Senpai?" A familiar voice spoke and his head shot up to see Haruhi browsing through several expensive tunas, her eyes brow raised. "What the hell?"

"Er..." he flushed as he trailed off. How did you tell someone that their father had just threatened to bleed you out by your private parts? Surely, there was no proper method. "I... er..."

The girl just sighed. "Was my dad being mean to you again?"

"Um..." He glanced across the way to see the man scowling at him mercilessly, arms folded. "...No..."

"Whatever he's saying, I'm sure he doesn't mean it."

He remembered the stony, psychopathic glare from just moments ago and fought the urge to beg to differ.

"If you're going to act like this, why don't you help me with the shopping?" she sighed before holding her hand out. He shyly reached to take it.. "What are you doing on the ground anyway?"

""Er... um" He fidgeted wildly with a block of cheese. "I was just... shopping for..." He paused to scan a cart nearby for something that was positioned below eye level. A row of blue boxes caught his eye. "Condoms!" he exclaimed, his hand immediately slapping over his lips in response. "I mean-"

"Condoms?" Haruhi frowned, eyebrow raising. "I thought you said you were a virgin."

"Er..." The boy poked his fingers together, hair falling over his eyes. "I AM! I was just... er... shopping for the twins!" He mushed the cheese into a fine cream while giggling uncontrollably. "Safe sex is important, you know!"

Haruhi scrutinized him for a bit longer before finally letting a tiny smile grace her lips and shaking her head. "You're so gross."

They continued to go on about dinner and what meats to get and how he would have to buy that cheese while Ranka simmered in silence. How dare he steal his flashback sthick?! He should have threatened to cut his balls off too! He considered terrorizing him again when someone else's vigilant gaze caught his eye. The Shadow King had also been eying the two from over the pages of a Business magazine, his glasses too glossy to decipher any glimpse of an expression. Ranka gave a sympathetic sigh before walking towards him and dropping one well manicured hand on the boy's shoulder. Kyouya turned his way, his lips curving downward slightly.

"Ranka-san?"

"It's alright," the man's eyes glistened as he gave his shoulder a squeeze. "I know what you're going through."

Kyouya stared at him for a few seconds, the glare not leaving the glass of his spectacles for a moment. Ranka thought his features might have tensed for a split second, but before he could be sure, the careful smile curved about the boy's lips.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. Now if you'll excuse me," He shrugged away from the man before he could protest and started off in the opposite direction. ", I'd better check on our driver."

Ranka simply frowned after him, refused hand still wavering. "I think I upset him," he muttered to himself.

"It's not hard to do," a girl's voice came, the derision apparent.

"Men." They both grumbled.

"So" Ranka looked down to see a girl with long light brown hair in a Farmer's Market apron, a pink glittery bow in her hair. "Who are you anyway?"

"Shhh! I don't want him to see me!" The spy winked. "I'm Kyouya's girlfriend."

"Oh," Ranka's expression fell. "You poor thing."

Renge's brow furrowed. "... whats that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," Ranka sighed, wrapping an arm around the girl's shoulder. "Men are complicated."

"Tell me about it," The girl groaned. "Sometimes I just want to go on a violent rampage and take a crow bar to all of their personal belongings." She turned to the man with an innocent pout. "Do you think they'd pay attention to us then?"

"Well, it can't hurt to try," Ranka beamed, fingers finding the hard metal at his thigh. "I know a few guys..." He removed a checklist from his Coach bag. "Want to go for a practice run?"

Renge's features lit up, a certain madness playing in her eyes. "Would I."

* * *

Sorry this took so long X_X Work has been truly kicking my ass. In SO many ways. GOD. Anyway, I hope you liked it.** Kirimi's chapter is next.** I've already started. I'll try to finish within the next month.


	22. Operation Brotherly Love

The sound of water splattering upon ceramic bounced off of the tiled walls, the strong, stringent scent of Clorox permeating the steamy chambers. The unusually silent shower room appeared empty save for one curtained stall. It was the perfect hideout for any sexually deviant individual whom didn't wish to be seen or heard. And these two certainly didn't want either.

"Nngh!" The older of the two groaned, just softly enough not to be heard over the streaming shower head, teeth gritted, fingers intertwined in the hair of the boy kneeling before him. "Hurry up!"

The second deviant looked up, hazel eyes blatantly asking 'Are you fucking serious?". Unfortunately, his mouth was too occupied to retort at the moment. So instead he complied, lips and tongue working the other boy faster and faster.

Another guttural moan from the first before his hips finally buckled against the warm crevice enveloping him. Panting he leaned back against the wall, the scent of fresh sweat mingling in with the steam. There was a short silence.

Coughing. "Goddammit, Kyouya-senpai." Kaoru pulled away and scurried toward the drain, fingers swabbing at the corners of his mouth. "You said you were gonna tell me when."

"You're in a shower," Kyouya responded in perfect bastard fashion without so much as a glance as Kaoru gagged into the drain. Grabbing a towel from the wall, he exited the cramped compartment and a steady flow of steam followed. It was good to be able to breathe again. After running the towel over his hair and torso a few times, he wrapped it about his waist and started for the row of mirrored sinks across the way, careful to avoid eye contact with himself. No gay slut shaming from his conscience today. No, sir.

"You can be a real dick, you know." Kaoru had finally emerged from the shower, hands desperately wringing away at his rusty locks. "It got in my hair. I might have to use vinegar." Cum was terrible for a dye job after all. Any self respecting high maintenance manwhore would know that.

"Just wash over it again," Kyouya shrugged, fingers rummaging about the counter for his glasses.

Kaoru groaned before snatching the spectacles up from the marble and waving them in his face. "You're lucky I think you're cute."

"Cute?" Kyouya grimaced without so much as a glance at him. Snatching the glasses, he walked off toward the locker area where his hosting attire for the evening awaited him: A navy blue police getup- complete with flashlight and handcuffs. Tamaki had been watching Cops again...

Kaoru just frowned, arms folded. He hadn't exactly expected the Shadow King to be cuddly after screwing around, but he could at least be cordial. Though he supposed after a few years of being desperately and pathetically praised before, during and after every sexual encounter, he and his brother had developed a bit of an ego. A twinge of guilt suddenly struck him through the chest. What would Hikaru think?

"Hey," He started toward the locker room, hands scratching awkwardly at the back of his head, towel abandoned on the floor. "Just uh…" he paused and squeezed at his arms before reiterating what he had asked since they'd began this sordid affair just a little less than a month ago. "Don't let anything on to Hikaru."

Kyouya raised an eyebrow at him from over his shoulder. "Why would I do something stupid like that?"

"I know, I know," Kaoru sighed as he fidgeted about his belongings, finally pulling a tiny white box from his black Louis Vutton man bag. The locker room was dry enough and the steam was slowly dying down. He popped one of the slim white sticks between his lips and drew a lighter from a separate compartment. "I just get nervous." A flame drew up from the murky liquid and the tail of the stick bristled and coiled. "I never hook up with anyone unless I'm with him." He drew from the cigarette. "Especially not guys."

"Besides Ukioji-san in your homeroom?" Kyouya asked, watching as the smoke ventured off to blend with the last remains of steam.

Kaoru started to choke and played it off as a scoff, eyes trailing downward toward the beige tiles. "That was just a rumor."

"And that guy who graduated last year?" Kyouya continued nonchalantly as he meticulously fit a black leather belt through each blue loop. "Saitou-san?"

The Hitachiin's cheeks began to redden. "Okay, but we were both blitzed out of our minds-"

"Don't forget that Abercrombie model on your trip to the states earlier this year."

"Fucking hell, Kyouya-senpai!" Kaoru gaped,the cigarette drooping from his lips. "How do you even know about that?"

"Because I was the one who covered it up," he scowled before pulling a matching hat with a silver brand over still drying tresses. "Just because you're overseas doesn't mean you can be sloppy about it." He reached over to yank the cigarette from between Kaoru's lips. "You need to get dressed."

"I don't so much care about what people think," Kaoru muttered, reluctantly pushing himself from the wall and toward the lengthy dark zip up bag containing his outfit. His parents weren't exactly heads of gigantic corporations always struggling to behave accordingly in society's eye. They were artists creating the latest and often taboo designs for Paris runways or inventing bold new software in the name of science. They could afford to be as eccentric as they wanted to be and so could their offspring. Society could fuck itself.

Hikaru on the other hand… "But Hikaru doesn't even like guys like that." He pulled a light blue jacket from the bag. "What if he found out I was dating them?"

Kyouya tensed at the last part. "That's not what this is," he said, tone dropping several levels in temperature.

"Oh right." Kaoru sobered, snapping the garments up from the bag much quicker now. "This is you pretending to actually give a shit when I complain about Hikaru so you can skull fuck me in the shower," he quipped with a snark his brother might have been proud of. He gave a deep sigh laced with irritation and just a hint of melancholy. "If I didn't know any better I'd say you were taking advantage of me."

"Then maybe you should stop complaining," Kyouya droned robotically. A brief silence gave over to the occasional shuffling and swishing of garment against garment. Something heavier than steam hung thickly in the air and it was beginning to make him uncomfortable. He cursed inwardly, unsure if he was more angry at Kaoru for having the audacity to bring human emotions into the picture or himself for actually experiencing feelings akin to empathy and self-reproach.

"Still rambling about Haruhi?" he forced out and the self-loathing began.

There was a short pause. "He spent all morning talking about how cute she looked in her outfit today," Kaoru's movements were still terse, but his brow had softened vaguely.

Kyouya just groaned. This was a topic he'd certainly tired of as Tamaki had spent their entire lunch period talking about the exact same thing. He didn't care how adorable: A cheap pink t-shirt, jeans and worn flip-flops were not worth an hour of discussion.

"But she did look really good in it…" A slow grin crossed Kaoru's lips.

Kyouya's spectacles glazed over, his own brow creasing. He hated casual Wednesdays.

Kaoru glanced up to stare at him, hazel eyes thoughtful.

"What?" The Shadow King nearly snapped.

"Nothing," Kaoru snickered in true Hitachiin fashion. "It's just," he paused, "You never have anything to say about Haruhi."

Kyouya's grip on the cigarette tightened and he popped it between his own lips to keep from crushing the stick.

"I mean you've had to think about it at least once," Kaoru shrugged, leaning back against the shower wall. "You'd have to be gay not to-"

"Kyouya-senpai!" a familiar voice echoed through out the showers. "Kaoru!"

Both boys hurried themselves, pulling the rest of their ensembles on and quickly zipping the bags up again. Kaoru snapped a black holster onto his belt before heading toward the exit.

"Over here, Haruhi!"

Haruhi had always had trouble navigating Ouran Academy's showers. She never used them because of her secret and they were pretty much structureless mazes. There was no telling where you'd find an exit or what side you'd come out on. Though she supposed they'd make a great hiding place when the Host King was having one of his episodes.

"Kaoru?!" she called out again, following the sound of his voice. "Where are-"

"Hey." The younger Hitachiin's head popped out from behind one of tiled walls, smile teasing. Nearly jumping, she gave a relieved sigh and scowled.

"You didn't have to scare me like that."

"Sorry, Haru-chan," he laughed, eyes roving over her pale blue dress shirt and the accompanying uniform tie. It was perhaps the most plain of the Host King's ostentatious ideas for apparel. "You look really cute," he concluded. "But it's boring. I'm surprised Tono didn't try to get you into some skimpy jailbird costume or something."

Her gaze darkened. "Oh, he tried." The picture of the winking miniskirt-clad female cop on the front of the costume bag reentered her mind and she shook her head in distaste. She didn't know why he wasted money on those things when she constantly refused to wear them. Rich, perverted bastard…

"HARUHIIIII!" a louder, more frantic voice rang. "Why'd you come in here alone?! What if guys are still changing in here?! Or worse! A predator!"

"I'm fine, senpai!" she called exasperatedly, hands cupping her mouth. "We're-!"

"Haruhi!" The blonde rounded the corner too swiftly, nearly slamming into her. The white blazer of his officer's uniform was ruffled, gold trim sticking up from the collar.

"…over here," Haruhi finished, her back pressed against the wall where she'd narrowly avoided becoming pancake.

"Oh!" he beamed. "You found Kaoru!" Crossing his arms, he gazed back toward the entrance, wherever that was. "Now if we could just find Kyouya…"

"I'm here." The Shadow King strolled toward them, hands in his pockets.

Tamaki blinked at Kyouya. Then at Kaoru. Then back at Kyouya. "You were showering?" his tone cascaded from bubbly to grave. "Both of you?"

"Yes, Tamaki," Kyouya sighed. "If you hadn't noticed, there's more than one shower."

The Host King wasn't done, his cheeks shading slightly. "What did you need to shower for?! We didn't have a gym period today!"

Haruhi's eyes narrowed. Was there a rule against showering before club hours or something?

"Since when did gym become the precursor to taking a shower?" Kyouya shot back just as cooly before walking past the flustered blonde.

"Don't give me that!" Tamaki roared after him. "I sat next to you all day! You smelled fine!"

"Whoa, whoa whoa, Tono!" Kaoru waved his palms in the air. "What's your problem? He was just-"

"Where's Hikaru?" Tamaki swiftly turned on the younger host with Kyouya heading for the door.

"Isn't he back yet?" Kaoru swallowed hard under Tamaki's very suffocating scrutiny. "He had a teacher's conference after school and they wouldn't let me sit in on it," he shrugged, jamming his hands in his pockets to ease the growing tremor. "It shouldn't have run more than thirty minutes-"

Tamaki just snorted derisively and leaned forward, violet eyes burrowing intensely into the shorter boy's. "That's convenient."

Kaoru thought he might implode from the shame when Haruhi swooped in and caught him pre-combustion.

"Senpai, what the hell is your problem?" Haruhi scolded, catching him by the shoulder. "Leave him alone! It's none of your business when they shower!"

His eyes immediately softened from soul-piercing to flustered. "H-H-Haruhi, no! I wasn't- I mean- It's just-" He twiddled his thumbs for a second before taking a long, deep breath and finally throwing his head back in a huff. "You're right," he nodded, following in Kyouya's steps. "Our number one concern is our customers and club activities start in an hour!"

Kaoru let out a deep sigh as Tamaki's back grew smaller and smaller in retreat. "Thanks, Haru."

No problem," she shrugged. She was used to his inane antics at this point, but she had to admit this was a bit strange even for him. "What do you think that was about?" She frowned after the blonde- whose brow was still twisted with some unknown concern, shoulders tense.

Kaoru just shrugged and stepped forward to fall into the widely gapped line. "Hell if I know," he muttered, staring down at his palms to find eight neatly carved crescents.

* * *

After escaping the maze- thanks to the GPS map on Tamaki's IPhone- they made their way down the hall to the music room where the remaining three club members waited for them. A sultry Hunny and Mori had apparently been whispering not-so-sweet nothings to one another the entire time and Hikaru didn't seem too happy at the fact.

"Thank God you're here," he groaned, stepping away from the amorous couple to throw an arm around his brother's shoulder. "If these ears could talk…"

"Mori-senpai, I thought you were in when I left," Kyouya raised an eyebrow. "What happened?"

"Erm…" Hunny volunteered, biting nervously at his bottom lip. "He wanted to take a quick shower…"

Haruhi's gaze immediately darted to Tamaki, ready to deter any hygiene related assault. Fortunately, he still seemed to be recovering from his last attack.

"No problem," Kyouya sighed before removing a set of keys from his back pocket and working at the door. Hunny and Mori continued to reminisce about their shower and Hikaru went on about how their homeroom teacher was a huge bitch for expecting him not to play Angry Birds during class. And a cockblock to boot. When the hinges finally creaked and the door parted, they started toward the entrance when something short and tiny peered up at them.

Hikaru groaned. "Okay, who keeps inviting all these fucking kids?"

"Was it you, Mori-senpai?" both twins turned to their senior and he shook his head. Not this time.

"Enough!" Tamaki pushed to the front of their crowd. "You can't talk like that in front of a little girl!"

The child's large aqua eyes fixated on him and he kneeled before her, taking one of her two flaxen ponytails in hand. She was the perfect picture of purity- save for the sanguine red nail polish and a fitted black tee where 'TEAM EDWARD' looked to be scribbled across the front in blood.

Regardless, his expression melted into the perfect mask of charm and sincerity.

"Hello down there," he leaned into the child, one slender finger sliding down her cheek. "What's an adorable little thing like you doing in a place like this?"

"Tama-chan…" Hunny squirmed uncomfortably.

"Personal space, senpai!" Haruhi scolded, her pedo senses tingling.

"At least wait until I close the door, Tamaki," Kyouya muttered.

"I thought he was doing alright," Mori put in.

"H-Hey!" Tamaki blared in defense. "That's not how I meant it! Perverts! All of y-!"

"HOMOS!" a sing-song voice announced and the room grew silent. They all turned to stare at the girl in disbelief.

"D-" Kaoru stammered. "Did she just call us gay?"

"No way!" The Host King shook his head. "What would an innocent little girl care about something like that?!" Besides, God wasn't so cruel as to allow a third person to question his sexuality this month. He turned his most genuine smile back on the girl. "She's probably just getting her words con-"

"SODOMY!" she cut in, her eyes shining with excitement. "There's sodomy here!"

The blonde's jaw gaped open just in time for her to jut her little finger in the twins' direction.

"Twinkcest!" she accused into their shocked expressions with the enthusiasm of the hobbit at a Cheesecake Factory. She swiftly moved toward the oldest of the group.

"Top!" Her finger rose up toward Mori. "Bottom!" It lowered to Hunny.

"Wrong!" the hobbit added just as cutely, but she had already moved on to her next victim.

"Closet Case!"

Kyouya's fingers tensed around his folded arms as he struggled to hide his fury beneath the glass. He started to demand that they call her parents or whatever unlucky bastard had the misfortune of governing her, but she had resumed her spot before Tamaki. He let out a startled cry and backed away as if she'd approached him with a machete. Her finger zoned in on him, doe eyes widening.

"Eh…" she uttered softly and they all blinked, leaning in with curious ears. "Eh…"

"What is it?" the twins demanded, hands at their hips, eyebrows raised.

"Ass muncher?" Hikaru offered.

"Anal Assassin?" Kaoru put in.

"EDWARD!" the girl cried, her mouth breaking into a wide grin as she sped toward the flabbergasted Host King. He wrapped numb arms around her as she nuzzled against his chest, her own grip steadfast around his neck. Standing to his feet, he turned to Haruhi for help.

"Edward?" he winced, his neck already bruising from the gridlock. "That's not bad, is it?"

"I don't know," Haruhi shrugged. Since when did she become the go-to expert on gay slang? "Hunny-senpai? Mori-senpai?" She turned to their resident gays.

"Never heard of it," Hunny shrugged, his lover following suit. They watched as the girl's head spun slowly in Haruhi's direction, the formerly adorable aqua darkened with disdain.

"Bella," the girl growled.

"Er," Haruhi gulped. "What?"

"EDWARD!" She was overjoyed again, her arms squeezing even tighter at the older boy's neck.

"H-H-Hey!" Tamaki chuckled nervously as he yanked as gingerly as possible at her waist. "I think you have me confused with someone else!"

"Of course I don't!" the little girl snapped, her eyes shooting up to gaze at him directly. "You're Edward Cullen! You're going to take me away and be my sparkly vampire lover!" she gushed, cheeks red.

"Er…" the blonde bit his bottom lip, his brain thoroughly throttled. "Wh-"

"Unless you want to be with Jacob!" the girl added as an afterthought. "I can understand that!"

"Um," he gulped, nervous grin still in place. "Look sweetheart," he started, bending down to plant her firmly on the ground. "I'm sorry but my name isn't Edward." He patted her head and gave her an apologetic look. "I don't know anyone by that name, but my friends and I can help you look for-"

"Y-You mean…" the girl breathed, mouth trembling, eyes watering. "Y-You're not my vampire lover?" her voice broke and twin rivulets gushed down her cheeks.

"N-No, I…" Tamaki stammered, his own cheeks reddening, eyes panicked. "I…"

Haruhi sighed as the girl began to wail, fingers massaging at her forehead. "Let her down easy, senpai."

"I…" he whimpered.

"But you sparkle" she sniffled, the backs of her hands scrubbing at the unending stream of tears.

"That's just my skin cream," he explained softly. "I tried Maybelline this time. A commoner's fav-"

"And you're really hot," she cooed, eyes blinking woefully up at him.

"Well…" His eyes widened, tears brimming at her flawless logic. "That is true…"

"Senpai…" Haruhi warned.

"OF COURSE I'LL BE YOUR VAMPIRE LOVER!" he announced, taking her by the waist and propelling her into the air.

"Hey!" Haruhi's mouth fell open as they spun about the music room floor together, tears of joy spilling from their eyes. "You can't just promise yourself to a kid, senpai!"

"No, it's fine!" Tamaki laughed as he tossed her up into the air. "It'll be completely innocent!" He caught her and they embraced. "We won't kiss or anything for like a decade and by then she probably won't even remember this anymore!"

"Oh, I will," the girl spoke in a surprisingly low tone, expression stony. She shot a scornful glare at Haruhi who raised an eyebrow in return. What was she so pissed about? And who the hell was Bella?

"Of course you will!" Tamaki gushed in insufferable baby speak before tapping her on the nose. "And what should I call you, angel?" He squeezed thoughtfully at his chin. "How about I name you after my mother?!"

"You're going to name your preschool lover after your mother?" Haruhi asked, eyes twitching. God, he was disturbing. "And you can't just rename her anyway!" She regrettably turned to the sole voice of reason in the room. "Kyouya-senpai, tell him he can't-"

"Closet case?" The boy muttered under his breath, fingers wringing tautly around the unfortunate remains of a diary page.

She swallowed hard.

Tamaki was still sifting through names. "Maybe I'll name you after Haruhi!"

"Kirimi!" a new voice bellowed from the music room doors and the Host King yelped accordingly.

"Nekozawa-senpai!" He pointed forward, eyes wild, as if making an accusation. The older boy just strolled further into the room, his jet black mop curtained over his eyes in horror movie style. He wore a black tee with white skulls and crossbones. Dark skinny jeans clung tightly to his legs and disappeared underneath clunky goth boots. The surgically attached fangs perched dangerously over his freshly pierced bottom lip. His "cursed book of death and destruction" was strangely absent.

"Nekozawa-senpai?" Hikaru frowned as he turned toward the boy.

"What are you doing here?" Kaoru asked.

"I thought you were still pissed at us for using you for your parents' beach house and not inviting you to the party," they finished together.

The boy just walked past them, gaze fixed on the girl who eyed him warily. When he'd come close enough, she shrieked and latched on to Tamaki, her tiny fingers clutching at his jacket. Summoning as much bravery as he could muster to avoid shitting himself on the spot, the blonde took a step backwards, cradling the child closer. "Do you know her?"

"Know her?" Nekozawa scowled and Tamaki nearly ejected through the roof. "She's my little sister!" The senior leaned forward, hands on his knees, and gave one of the most horrific smiles the Host King had ever seen, eyes black, fangs glistening. Both blondes let out concurrent shrieks.

"Little sister?" Haruhi's eyes widened before darting back and forth between the two attempting to find some trace of resemblance.

"You guys look nothing alike," the twins voiced her thoughts.

"Of course we do!" Nekozawa snapped before turning back to the trembling girl in Tamaki's arms. "Kirimi," he cooed in a very un-Lord of Darkness-like manner. "Did you finally decide to come shopping with me?"

"N-N-No," the girl stammered between sobs. "I don't like Hot Topic! I wanna go to The Gap!"

"The Gap sucks, Kirimi!" he gasped, appalled. "Only preps shop at The Gap!"

She blinked up at him before sobbing even harder. They all eyed him accusingly and he gulped.

"B-But hey," he attempted to soothe her. "We can buy you some really cool stuff at Hot Topic!" He tugged at the spirals of her pigtails and she yanked them away. "We can get some purple color for your hair! And look at plugs!" he begged her with wide eyes. "You won't need them now of course, but maybe in a few years, we can stretch those lobes out-"

"What the hell?" Hikaru raised an eyebrow and leaned into the taller boy. "You're trying to pierce her ears?"

"What is she?" Kaoru turned to Kirimi. "Like two?"

"You're more fucked up than we thought," they concluded together.

"Yeah," Haruhi nodded seriously. "And that means a lot coming from them."

Before the twins could take the time to feel offended, Nekozawa rounded on them.

"Hey, don't say 'fucked up' in front of my little sister!" he whispered fiercely.

"But you just said 'fucked up'," the twins droned in a bored tone.

"What?" he furrowed his brow.

"Just now you said 'fucked up'," they explained calmly.

"Stop saying 'fucked up'!" Tamaki and Nekozawa roared together.

"EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!" a tiny voice squeaked from the blonde's arms. They all turned to face the irate, aqua colored eyes.

"K-Kirimi?" Nekozawa squeaked.

"I'm not a baby anymore!" the girl whined. "I know what fuck means! When Kadomatsu-san and Kuretake-san take me to the gay bar-"

"WHAT?!" the entire room exploded. As if on cue, nervous laughter started up at the entrance where a young woman-maybe thirty- with long washed out Kirimi-esque brown pigtails and a deep purple pleather jacket waved at them. Next to her stood an eerily tall, bald man in secret service attire, his form stately and rigid.

"Kuretake-san!" Nekozawa loomed over the woman. "What's the meaning of this?!"

"Umehito!" Kuretake beamed. "We were looking for you! We came to pick you up but Kirimi got away from us!"

"I mean what's this about a gay bar?" he fumed, fists clenched.

"Oh, Umehito-kun!" she cooed through purple painted lips and patted his head lightly. "We've been raising you two since you both were kids! You know we would never hurt Kirimi-chan!" She glanced over her shoulder at the bald man. "But you know Kadomatsu does his drag shows on weekends and since your parents won't hire anymore babysitters," she explained, an edge of frustration in her tone. "We always take her along!"

"YYYYYMCA!" Kirimi cheered from Tamaki's grasp, fists pumping. "It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A-A!"

Haruhi bit at her bottom lip. It all made sense now… Secretly thanking the heavens that her father had never taken her along to the gay bar as a child, she turned to Kuretake. "But why not just leave her with Nekozawa-senpai?" she frowned. "He doesn't seem like he has much to do on weekends." Ignoring Nekozawa's deeply pained expression, she stared on expectantly.

"Well, isn't it obvious?" the tall man finally spoke, his tone deep and cultured.

"She hates him," both servants explained and Nekozawa slumped further into despair, knees on the ground, fists clenched. It was the perfect time to monologue.

"I know that Kirimi thinks I'm dark and weird and maladjusted," he began, voice quiet and intense. "And maybe I am."

"Oh, you are," the twins assured him.

"And I don't really care about the drag shows, or those stupid pigtails, or those violent gay porn novels you read to her when you think no one's listening…"

Haruhi and Tamaki blinked worriedly at him. "You don't…?"

"But what I do care about…" he swallowed hard. "What I care about is…" He raised his head up to stare at her, eyes blazing. She cringed and clung to Tamaki again.

"KIRIMI IS TURNING INTO A TWITARD!" he cried, his glare zoning in on Kuretake. "Why did you read her that stupid series?!"

"I didn't," the woman frowned. "She found it in your room."

Red showed through the multiple layers of pasty white concealer. "I wasn't…" He cleared his throat. "I would never…"

"Sounds like someone's in denial." Hikaru sneered.

If you weren't reading the book then what were you doing with it?" Kaoru asked.

I told you I was holding it for her!" He snapped, a maddened gaze in his eyes. "I would never read that crap!" He turned on his sitter. "But you brainwashed her with it and now she's poisoned against me!"

"Er…" Kuretake and Kadomatsu exchanged nervous glances before nodding in agreement with one another.

"Kuretake cleared her throat. "With all due respect, Umehito-san…" she trailed off, eying him worriedly.

"I don't believe Kirimi-chan ever liked you," Kadomatsu finished.

"Wh-what?" Nekozawa stuttered, tears rising over his eyeshadow. "B-But-"

"Nekozawa-san," Tamaki gulped, using all of his bleeding heart willpower not to shut the fuck up. "I'm sure Kirimi doesn't hate you!"

"But I do," Kirimi frowned up at him.

Nervous laughter. "But he's your brother, Kirimi-chan!"

"Then I don't want a brother!" she snarled, her voice sinking again.

"Eh…" Tamaki swallowed hard at the demon child clinging to him and her expression quickly transitioned back to adorable.

"Oh my God, Edward!" she sang excitedly. "This is our first lover's fight!"

Nekozawa tensed. "Kirimi took you as a lover?

"Hm?" Tamaki blinked before the panic set in. "N-No! It's not what you think! I just said it to make her stop crying!"

"What?!" Kirimi growled before yanking the black tie around his neck roughly.

"ACK!" he choked, gasping for air.

Ignoring his plight, Nekozawa nodded. "I see." His dark bangs fell over his eyes. "Kirimi would rather have you as a boyfriend than me."

Haruhi frowned in confusion. "Is that neccessarily a bad thing?"

"Sure, whatever." Nekozawa started toward the door, each step gathering more force than the last. "Kirimi, I hope you and Suou have a beautiful life together!"

"WE WILL!" Kirimi yelled back, still yanking at Tamaki's tie as he desperately tried to loosen her death grip.

Without another word, Nekozawa exited the room, the muffled sound of sobs coming not a moment later. There was a short, yet extremely judgmental silence.

"Is he crying?" Kaoru blinked.

"What a bitch." Hikaru concluded with a sigh.

"Well, she is his sister," Haruhi frowned. Family was important after all. If you could save a bond, it was always important to do so. Eyes concerned, she turned to the Host King.

He'd finally wrestled his tie away from the demon child and let out a deep sigh of relief. At least until he noticed Haruhi staring at him and quickly drew it back in causing another coughing fit.

"Eh…" she started toward him. "Are you okay, senpai?"

"He's fine!" Kirimi answered for him. "Back off, bitch!"

"Kirimi, be nice!" Tamaki wagged his finger at the girl before turning to Haruhi and making sure to breathe normally this time. "Wh-What's wrong?" It was rare that his daughter paid him any attention.

Haruhi blinked. Why exactly had she turned to him? It was almost instinctual. "Well, aren't you going to," she raised her hands up. "You know?"

He blinked at her.

"Butt in?" she frowned.

He bit his lip, concern wrinkling his brow. "I want to."

She shrugged. "So?"

The blonde bit his lip apprehensively. "He scares me."

"I know, senpai," she nodded into his frightened expression. "But that's never stopped you from butting in when it was none of your damn business before." Ignoring the hurt in his eyes, she thought about the other shit storms that had walked through their doors. Nekozawa- with all of his dark arts- didn't compare to Shiro and Kanako. But he'd been there for them nonetheless. She found a warm smile curving over her lips. "I know we can do it."

"We?" His eyes sparkled, cheeks glowing red. "Y-You mean you and me?"

A chorus of 'no's rang out, neither of them from the intended askee.

"Get your own boyfriend!" Kirimi roared into Haruhi's befuddled expression.

"She means everyone, Tono," Hikaru groaned with a little more disdain than usual.

"We'll help too!" Kuretake and Kadomatsu put in perhaps the only well-intentioned response.

"Oh…" Tamaki uttered in disappointment, but he recovered swiftly. "Then it's settled!" he announced. "Let's begin operation Brotherly Love!

"Hm?" Kirimi cried, eyes watering. "But I don't want a brother! I want to be with you!"

Sighing, Tamaki kneeled downward and placed the child upon the pink tile, his tie safely flung out of harm's way.

"I'm sorry, but I can't be your vampire lover, Kirimi-chan."

The crying game began again. "But why?"

His words suddenly caught in his throat. "Because… because er… um…"

"Because he's gay," the twins offered.

"WHAT?!"

"You're welcome," they both winked and shot up peace signs.

"K-Kirimi!" He waved his hands around. "That's not-! I-"

"You are?!" she beamed, aqua eyes surveying him with a new interest. "Well, that's okay then!"

"NO- er…" he trailed off, eyes wide. "It is…?"

"Of course!" she chirped. "I love Twilight slash fan fiction!"

"You read her fan fiction too?" Haruhi peered at Kuretake.

"Er…" Kuretake stammered, jamming the ends of her index fingers together. "We ran out of books! It doesn't matter anyway!" Quick to change the subject, she turned to Tamaki. "How are you going to get Kirimi-chan to like Umehito-san?"

"You won't!" Kirimi stuck out her tongue in disgust before wandering off toward the high ceiling windows, a small, white Kindle in hand.

"Well, she likes gay men…" Kaoru offered.

"I think you've already got a pretty good handle on that, Tono," Hikaru smirked.

"Assholes…" Tamaki grumbled.

"And she likes that Edward guy…" Hunny put in. "Anyone know anything about him?" He turned to the pigtailed woman. "Kuretake-san?"

"Well, I didn't actually read those things myself." She frowned. "Anyone else?"

There was a short silence before Kyouya let out a reluctant sigh. The entire room turned to him.

"Kyouya-senpai?" Haruhi pushed.

"I know someone." His thumbs scanned over the touchscreen of his phone.

"You think they'll pick up?" Tamaki frowned.

"Oh, they're probably waiting by the phone," he muttered in a tone that expressed anything but fondness for said person. With another sigh, the pad of his thumb finally rested on a single name.

* * *

Meanwhile, in a upscale spa not so far far away...

"Hell no!" a group of women in hair caps and nail dividers gasped in indignation, the cucumbers over their eyelids tilting.

"Hell yes!" the center of attention shot back with twice as much disdain. "And then he tells me we're taking a break! We just took a break Friday! Sometimes I think he just tells me we're back on when he wants some ass!"

"You deserve better than that, girl!" the salon's owner flailed a limp wrist in her direction.

"Yeah, kick his ass to the curb!" a 30-something at the massage table agreed.

"I know I should!" she continued. "I mean, he won't even make out with other guys for me!" she cried in frustration. "But he's sooo hot like oh my fucking God."

"It's always the hot ones," a college aged girl put in from a hair basin.

"MmmmmmHM." the owner put in. "You can't keep letting him mess you around, girl!"

"I know…" she whined. "In fact, you know what?" She darted up, snatching the cucumbers from determined eyes and letting her long brunette tresses drip on the floor to the chagrin of her spa attendant. "It's over!"

"YEAH!" the entire salon cheered her on.

"Who does he think he is?!" she demanded of no one, snatching the black smock from around her neck and tossing it across the room with. "He doesn't rule my life!"

"I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT!"

"I'm tired of taking his shit!" She took to the front counter and stood atop the desk. "And I don't need him anymore!"

"YOU TELL IT, GIRL!"

"I never needed him!" she shouted across the room at no one in particular. "I don't need any man!" Her fists pumped in the air. "I! AM! WOMAAAAN!"

The resulting cheering was cut short by the hook to Caramel Dansen. Caught off guard, she reached into the pocket of her denim capris and shrieked with glee when she caught a glimpse of the screen. Bouncing giddily, she lifted the Hello Kitty cased phone to her ear.

"OH MY GOD, KYOUYA!" she squealed. "… After school tomorrow? Oooh kinky!" she giggled. "… Should I bring protection because I haven't taken the pill for the past few…" she trailed off, her eyes widening. "It's not for that?! You mean you finally wanna cuddle?!" She leapt from the countertop, frantically tossing the nail divider and hair net from her person. "What FOR then?!… It's a surprise?! Are you finally going to make out with that cute guy in my homeroom for me?! HELL YEAH!"

Ignoring her audience's sudden looks of disgust, she sailed past the lobby, nearly crashing into the door. "Okay, babe! I'm headed out to buy something cute to wear for you tomorrow!" With not so much as a wave, she charged out of the spa. "I'll see you then Love you! Did you hear me?! I said I-"

Blinking, she stared at the now disconnected phone screen, common sense and delusion fighting an epic battle between her ears. Then finally, with a toss of her hair, a smug grin crossed her features. "He loves me."

With that, she continued to strut down the block toward her favorite lingerie store. She couldn't believe she had almost let those jaded, bitter hussies at the spa push her away from her man. After all, any life worth living required at least one man. Then maybe just one more for him to make out with. And a shouta for luck.

* * *

Author's Note:

Hey Ho! Sorry, I wanted to make this one chapter, but I ended up writing so much, I had to split it! I'm **almost done with the second part.** I really need to stop letting the characters talk so much. I know it gets tiresome, but it just spills out of my fingers. I'll work on it.

Anyway, **please review** and let me know if you have any comments, criticism or advice for near or upcoming chapters. Also, **do you hate that I use epithets?** I was reading an article recently saying how epithets are much abhorred in writing and I use them all the time! I feel so bad now! This story is full of them. And I can't seem to stop X_X

Anyway, **Hunny's chapter** is coming up. Should be fun! Excited!


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